April 7, 2010

Mouthical Mystery

There were five toothbrushes on the floor of my office this morning.

Two were mine---one from my bathroom and one from my travel bag. One is Scott's, also from the bathroom. One is a free toothbrush that was given to me at the hospital along with a travel tube of something called "Sparklebrite.” One is a mystery toothbrush; like our beloved and much fought over Lawn Fork, it has appeared among us unexplained. Unlike our beloved and much fought over Lawn Fork I have no intention of running it through the dishwasher a couple of times and using it. Both are pointy utensils that go in one of the main face holes, but somehow a fork from the lawn can be cleaned and anthropomorphized and used, and a toothbrush absolutely cannot. Maybe because people commonly share forks---even with strangers when you consider restaurant cutlery---but very seldom share toothbrushes.

Here my husband interrupts: You say that, but every time I look at you, you have my toothbrush poking out of your face.

Me: I know! I am sorry...I forget which one is mine.

Him: *Darkly* The. Hot. Pink. One.

He HATES it when I use his toothbrush. He sees me use it and he brings home two fresh ones and makes me pick which color I LIKE BEST so I won't use his and then I forget. Last time he got me a color that he thought would help me remember. Hot Pink is not a very MANLY color, ergo the pink one must be mine. It failed. It is not so much that I think the hot pink one is HIS. It is just that I forget the dark green one is NOT MINE. You see the distinction?

Because he does not.

ANYWAY, this morning, when I went to brush, BOTH our toothbrushes were gone, so I assumed Scott had pitched them because I had POACHED again and he would bring home fresh ones. I dug the two out of my hospital bag and brushed, and LO, an hour later, I found them along with our original brushes on the floor of the office. Also the mystery FIFTH brush. Only the children's toothbrushes had been spared.

I called Scott: Honey? Why are there all these toothbrushes on my office floor?

Him: No clue. But Schubert was sitting on one of them.

Me: Lying down on, you mean? Or sitting up on? With his butt?

Him: Sitting up on, with his butt.


Him: It was mine. Don't you wish now you knew which one of the five actually WAS mine? So you could maybe...NOT USE THAT ONE?

Except there was static on the line so I did not really hear that last part.

I gathered up the toothbrushes and hurled them all out on the theory that a cat butt had touched ONE at a MINIMUM and I would sooner use a toothbrush from the lawn than from a litterbox.

Luckily I had a new two pack from a recent trip where I forgot a toothbrush altogether and had to buy some, and I went and managed to find those and gave my teeth a nice post lunch brush. Not half an hour later, who do I meet in the den?


Yeah. That’s my latest toothbrush, clutched in the maw of the Boggart-Cat, aka The Seed of All Evil. I suppose the residual mint helps him mask the sulfurous stench of Hell on his breath? Or perhaps it is revenge because I mention Bagel and Schubert by name in the latest version of my bio, but chose to pretend that he does not exist?

I have to admit, watching him GNAW at my personal bristles with the slaver-fangs he keeps in his fetid gob hole... I can FINALLY empathize with Scott.

I want my OWN toothbrush, thanks.

Posted by joshilyn at April 7, 2010 12:07 PM

Oh, you had me at "fetid gob hole". I love your cat posts more than anything else you do. I'm sorry, but I am the slave to three spawn from evil, and I just relate SOO much. Please, keep writing them. Often, with feeling.

Posted by: Jen at April 7, 2010 12:18 PM

My daughter has a cat who absolutely LOVES the smell of minty things. If you aren't careful, she'll try to crawl inside your mouth after you brush. I think that would be a bit hairy. Eew.

Posted by: Kathy at April 7, 2010 1:23 PM

I'm sorry, but I love the thought of Schubert sitting on the toothbrush. It's so...Schubert. It's like a perfect summation of what he thinks about everything.

Posted by: Leandra at April 7, 2010 1:32 PM

You are clearly on the road to recovery!

Posted by: Jen at April 7, 2010 1:35 PM

Hee! I have the exact same problem! Except in my case it's not a cat, it's my three year old daughter. And at least she doesn't SIT on the brushes, just uses them herself and leaves them all over the house. I don't so much mind, but my husband has, um, similar feelings to Scott about other people using his toothbrush.

Posted by: Anna Elliott at April 7, 2010 2:27 PM

OK - now my face hurts from laughing so hard and I have mascara on my shirt collar from wiping my eyes.

In our house, toothbrushes multiply when left unattended. I have a special Dental Stuff drawer in my bathroom, exclusively for the all the toothbrushes, mouthwash samples, and floss samples brought home from school, the dentist and trick or treating. Anyone who is not sure which brush is theirs (hint: usually people who are small, with very dirty bare feet) is free to get another one out. Which would work very well if I could only convince them to throw away the old toothbrushes...

Posted by: Jennifer at April 7, 2010 2:34 PM

Time to stop using that catnip toothpaste I guess. Or lock up those toothbrushes somewhere Boggart can't get to...
My husband does the same thing you do with toothbrushes, drives me crazy! Get yer own danged toothbrush already!

Posted by: JulieZS at April 7, 2010 4:19 PM

My hubby doesn't like to share toothbrushes for some odd reason either. He doesn't seem to mind kissing on the mouth or eating from the same fork but God Forbid the Toothbrush

Posted by: Julie O at April 7, 2010 4:48 PM

This is really apropos of nothing, except the thought of your cat sitting on your toothbrush made me laugh, but it also reminded me of how when my son goes away for a sleepover (he's 14 and should know better) he often takes my toothbrush, by mistake. But he doesn't use it. Yeah. Which is worse, the fact that he takes it or the fact that he's not brushing? Your pick! I can't choose.

Posted by: edj at April 7, 2010 5:13 PM

So if Shubert's using your toothbrushes, does that mean you don't have to fork over the $100+ to the vet to clean his teeth every year or so?
If that works, I'm giving toothbrushes to both of our cats. I'll tell them the $$ saved WILL go for more cat treats. Honest.

pea ess, I can't share a toothbrush either. I also don't like to share scrubbies or bathtowels. That is a level of cootie-sharing intimacy that makes me itch.

Posted by: Lulu at April 7, 2010 5:53 PM

I'd be willing to bet, though, that if you TRIED to brush Boggart's teeth he would unsheath his devil claws and scratch you a new one. I try to brush my cats' teeth, and they each do their own version of Linda Blair in The Exorcist, replete with lashing tongues, flying saliva and demon noises. It's awesome.

Posted by: Aimee at April 7, 2010 6:04 PM

I'm with Leandra. Anyone thinking Schubert's
using that brush on his teeth doesn't know Schubert. I myself have an image of him from behind, fluffy tail curved out of the way, toothbrush handle pointing toward the viewer. Some slight shimmying is involved ...

Posted by: rams at April 7, 2010 8:16 PM

I also had trouble remember which toothbrush is mine (and I'm the on who gets the heebie jeebies at the thought of using someone else's brush). Finally we decided that all warm colored brushes are mine, and all cool colored brushes belong to my mom. Of course, if the whole warm/cool color spectrum thing doesn't really float your boat, that won't help. As for the cat butt issue, did you ever hear the story about the little boy named Eli and his mother's chapstick?

Posted by: Sandi at April 7, 2010 8:20 PM

I'm sooo glad you're feeling better and welcome back! My beloved cockatoo used to chew on my toothbrush whenever he could. He'd fly into the bathroom when I wasn't paying attention, land on the toothbrush holder and go to town and he didn't even have teeth! It was worse if I left the toothpaste out, he'd bite into the tube and get his fix. He had a toothpaste monkey on his back, a total addict, LOL. I kept an unused stash of toothbrushes in the drawer.

Posted by: LaurieB at April 7, 2010 10:27 PM

Oh that is funnneeee!

Posted by: Heather Cook at April 7, 2010 11:31 PM

This post makes me want a cat even more.

Posted by: Nikki at April 8, 2010 1:16 AM

Aww. I think the Spawn of All Evil may have missed you. Whattheheck do you feed him anyway?

Posted by: JulieB at April 8, 2010 9:02 AM

My husband also hates when I accidentally use his toothbrush. I remember which color is mine, because we buy the same colors everytime and I have learned through repetition.

But sometimes I am not ready to face light yet, and I don't turn on the light and I don't look. I never know I've done it until I see the Ricky Ricardo look on my husband's face.


Posted by: megs at April 8, 2010 9:23 AM

Ha. IT IS GENETIC. Your brother uses my toothbrush even if it is pink and also refuses to use his MENnen speed stick and prefers my secret! UGH. I have a secret Secret in my cabinet and a decoy husband secret in my drawer. At least I don't have cat butt on my stuff. We must pray, pray, pray that there are other blissful dupes out there who will marry our children.

Posted by: S-I-L Julie at April 8, 2010 11:22 AM

P.S. I'm so, so happy that you're feeling better and recovering well! Thoughts and prayers that the recovery process keeps zipping along!

Posted by: Anna Elliott at April 8, 2010 4:30 PM

The. HOT. PINK. One. *ROFL*

My hubs won't even share tooth PASTE with me.

Posted by: Jess at April 8, 2010 6:05 PM

I think Scott put him up to it so that you would finally stop using his toothbrush. (and now I'm thinking too bad I don't have a cat-like creature to make the same impression upon my dearest, who I do like to kiss but pleeeeze no sharing toothbrushes!)

Posted by: PattiH at April 8, 2010 8:36 PM

I am so glad that you are back, healthy and feeling better, to tell us about the mouthical mystery at play in your office!

Posted by: Lindsey at April 8, 2010 8:57 PM

How would it make you feel to know that your mouth has more germs in it than the cats? LOL Not by much, but still, it's more.

Posted by: Carolyn at April 11, 2010 1:26 AM