February 26, 2010

Letters from Bed

FTK has been dark all week, and I am beginning to get messages from Facebook friends plaintively asking if I am dead. Which, thank you for that. It’s good to be checked on. My answer is a tentative, "Not yet." I have this ongoing and scutiating boring medical drama, and on top of that, two of my favorite boys in the whole world, Scott and Sam, last week took it upon themselves to become giant hives of feverish virus-soaked mucus, and I sat between them like the fingers of some poor little Madge-victim, soaking in it.THEY bounced back in 48 hours each. My boring ongoing medical drama has borked my immune system, and I am not doing any bouncing.

I've been sick all week. Today I actually got out of bed, my fever is gone, and I have one working nostril, so I am declaring myself WELL ENOUGH. I have been SO FREAKIN' BORED that I have been reduced to watching HARPER'S ISLAND on my Netflix Instant Q, which, Beloveds, that is very very desperate. Harper’s Island is a miniseries starring Engaging Girl With A Cute Nose, and it is about a bunch of incredibly stupid people at a destination wedding who drink A LOT and who do not notice that every time someone trots off for a pee or a swim they get horridly murdered and never come back.

The island is small enough that your wedding party can do a walking scavenger hunt that takes them to all four corners of the island in a single, booze-fueled afternoon, but large enough that you can build a pit trap and barbecue a VERY LOUD bridesmaid alive without anyone hearing. Also a crazy woodman with half a face can live in the bracken, raising attack dogs and setting up attack logs (this is not a typo. He makes LOG TRAPS and a HUGE log comes down and throws the bride and her dad down a cliff. THEN Half-a-face sics a leopard level stealthy German Shepherd on them and after they KILL THE DOG with a broken bottle and stagger back to the wedding, scratched up and filthy and covered in dog blood, they say to the groom, "Oh, we had a little accident." No mention of crazy Half-face, or attack dogs or being nearly killed by a log. And the groom says, OKAY, WELL HELP ME CHOOSE NAPKIN RINGS FOR THE RECEPTION! while everyone else has another round.

I think we are 9 murders in and NO ONE NOTICED ANYONE MISSING until five minutes ago when a cop discovered chunks of the priest floating in a bog. Also, a surprise axe trap went off during the rehearsal slicing someone into 2 tidy pieces in front of the WHOLE wedding party, which may cause a couple of them to notice that Something Bad is Happening. Maybe. Who knows. They have already ALL been drinking. OH TO BE THEM, but without the axe traps and priest chunks.

I am am going to declare myself WELL, or at least well enough, and go out to dinner with my kid tonight for his birthday. He likes the hibachi table thing, and although I have hibachi'd enough to know how to refuse trying to catch a rice ball with my mouth with such a gimlet eye that even the wackiest of fillet-knife armed hibachi chefs moves it right on along and I never, never, jump when the red string comes out of the ketchup bottle....my kids love the onion volcano and the leaping flames of death. And I like the salmon. So.

I haven't blogged both because I have been too brain dead to string words together ---even nearly nonsensical ones (SEE ABOVE), and on top of that, nothing has happened. My blog entries would have had to take place from my bed, where possible fascinating topics included, and were, yes, pretty much limited to:

1) What happened on Harper’s Island. (SEE ABOVE)

2) Brown animal wars. In direct opposition to proper Biblical imagery, my brown animals (Schubert the obese one-eyed pirate cat) and Bagel (my charming dog who, in lieu of a brain, keeps a single-celled organism floating in prune juice in his skull cavity) have been a war to see who can lay pressed up against my left side. No animal wants to lay by my RIGHT side. Left is BETTER, you understand. (I hope. I myself do not understand.) But while I lay sweating it out with a fever of 102 my answer to the endless queries of, WHICH BOILING HOT MAMMAL GETS TO PRESS SWEATILY AGAINST YOUR LEFT SIDE was "Please go away, I am busy trying to die peacefully." No one liked that answer. It led to the festival of shoving (me), and hiss noises (Shubert), and puzzled, wounded looks (Guess).

tjstissuebox.jpg

3) The fascinating, 'what tissue is better' debate. I bought Trader Joe's tissue, a little bit because it is all recycled and good for the EARTH, but, let's be honest, mostly for the box. Look, every side has little letters to you from your tissue. Very charming and the illustrations are very turn of the former century. I have that in the guest bathroom, Puffs in my bathroom, and Kleenex with Lotion by the bed from when Scott had this vile disease and lay there infecting me. Kleenex with Lotion kinda creeps me out. It feels ever so slighly....pre-sneezed in. And as for Tader Joe's? My letter back would read something like this:

Dear Tissue,
While I am glad you are made of entirely recycled materials, I wish that those materials did not include sandpaper and bone splinters.
Love, MY NOSE IS SORE

Verdict: A nose in need deserves Puffs indeed.

4) I have weird, backwards drug reactions. DAYquil makes me pass out and NYquil makes me hyper. Does this mean I have ADD? Discuss.

Posted by joshilyn at February 26, 2010 7:42 AM
Comments

I too have backwards drug reactions and it is a pain in the bottom. If you figure out why this happens let me know because I'm tired of 'ABSOLUTELY NON DROWSY, NO WAY ARE YOU EVER GOING TO SLEEP AGAIN, EVER, SERIOUSLY' medication making me pass out for 12 hours.

Posted by: jerajenn at February 26, 2010 8:35 AM

I have a similar problem, except that both DAYquil AND NYquil cause me to pass out for hours on end. In fact, there is no cold medicine in the world (that I'VE found, anyway) that doesn't send me into a dead-to-the-world sleep. Basically, if I have anything at all to do that requires me to be awake during the day (which is pretty much always-- I'm a stay at home mom), I have to wait until bedtime for relief.

Posted by: Erika at February 26, 2010 9:03 AM

oh, i feel for you. it, too, is my young thang's birthday, and we will be somehow patching ourselves together for the festival feast. in the last two weeks we've driven from kentucky to atlanta to see my daddy in the ICU, made a return trip for the wake and funeral in snellville and then into the piney backwoods of alabama for his graveside services. i couldn't help but think of your writing as we dipped deep into choctaw county to get to his final resting place. now we're back in kentucky, and i've got one down with the ear infection and another with the stomach bug. Festival feast indeed. Did you, by chance, take the last bed in the northside hospital birthing warehouse 11 years ago? they herded me off to a closet, because everyone else got there first. Oh, and, to make a long story short, we're voting for Puffs Plus.

Posted by: dramamama at February 26, 2010 9:46 AM

Oh, you poor thing! I have nice organic cotton flannel handkerchiefs, because while recycled tissues are good enough for the occasional sniffle, NOTHING is good enough for a bad cold.

And I am opposed to the cutting down of old-growth forest for all disposable tissue purposes. Sort of the ultimate unsustainable consumption.

But I don't know why more people don't know about Mentholatum. I'm not saying that it will make you all better, but it's petroleum jelly with menthol (to help clear sinuses) and analgesic (for pain) and when you put it on the tip of your nose, it REALLY helps prevent the I've-blown-my-nose-so-often-it's sore syndrome. I just looked on Wikipedia and it's been around for over 100 years.

There may be a more organic alternative out there (a pot lasts me DECADES), but it would be the thing I would send someone out to get for me if I were to develop a cold while away from home.

I hope that you feel better soon!

Posted by: Diane (TT) at February 26, 2010 10:08 AM

Happy Early Birthday Joshilyn! Hope you feel better soon. I have to comment on Harper's Island.....luffed it!!! Crazy but a great whodunit (that I figured out about Episode 2) It helps to be a 20 year veteran of cops, courts, and mystery/thriller reader. But I have to admit, you got me with The Girl Who Stopped Swimming...Great job! Macon's Crossroads Writers Conference is this weekend...wish you were here with us again but it will be a FANTABULOUS event anyway. Hope your birthday weekend is wondermus!

Posted by: jenxy21 at February 26, 2010 10:26 AM

You described exactly why we are a two tissue brand family. My husband loves the lotion stuff and I hate the slightly damp gooeyness of them unless I've got a horrible cold and then I carry the box around with me like a teddy bear.

Even when you're on death's door you make me laugh. I've missed you and truthfully blamed it on bloglines which seems to be rather lacadaisical in collecting blog posts lately. Hope you feel better soon.

Posted by: Jenn at February 26, 2010 10:55 AM

Poor little tulip, I hope you feel better soon.

Posted by: Carrie (in MN) at February 26, 2010 11:11 AM

I have to buy generic tissues because all those puffs and lotiony puffs and whatever? make me sneeze. Every time I blow my nose with one of them, I have to blow again because the lotion or puffiness or whatever gets in my nose and I MUST SNEEZE. So, nice, safe generic tissues for me.

Posted by: Jess at February 26, 2010 11:30 AM

I'm sorry you're so sick, but that description of Bagel's brain was completely awesome ;)

Posted by: catherino at February 26, 2010 12:04 PM

Ugh... pre-sneezed-in tissue. NOT awesome.

I think the makers of Nyquil want me to be an alcoholic. I take it. It knocks me out. For about 10 minutes I am dead to the world. Then I wake back up again, somehow MORE stuffed up and miserable than I was before I took it. So I can either take more (not a good idea) or take something else. And all non-drowsy medication makes me sleepy. In short, colds suck and so do cold medicines.

Hope you feel better soon!

Posted by: Aimee at February 26, 2010 12:20 PM

Ugh... pre-sneezed-in tissue. NOT awesome.

I think the makers of Nyquil want me to be an alcoholic. I take it. It knocks me out. For about 10 minutes I am dead to the world. Then I wake back up again, somehow MORE stuffed up and miserable than I was before I took it. So I can either take more (not a good idea) or take something else. And all non-drowsy medication makes me sleepy. In short, colds suck and so do cold medicines.

Hope you feel better soon!

Posted by: Aimee at February 26, 2010 12:21 PM

I like the lotion tissues okay when my nose is sore but I don't keep them around much but I keep forgetting they have lotion and I wipe my glasses with them - LOL!

Feel better soon!!

Posted by: Pamela L at February 26, 2010 12:38 PM

I have that same backwards reaction to the Quils... and agree with the pre-sneezed in reaction to Kleenex with lotion.

Hope you are feeling better soon. Harpers Island is good for laughing at. It only gets funnier as it goes on. It was not good for watching while up all night with insomnia though.

Posted by: Mandi at February 26, 2010 1:12 PM

I always told myself I had a good excuse for watching Harper's Island because it came on near the end of my pregnancy when I was to big to go anywhere and I'd used up all the good tv at the beginning when I was too sick to go anywhere. I wanted to go off on it online but that would admit actually watching it, which I was always too ashamed to do. The last episode or two was decent, but the stuff before that was off. And I think once you do find out who's killing people it's best not to think about it too closely or else the entire thing makes no sense whatsoever.

Did you ever see that episode of South Park where they showed how the whole show Family Guy gets its jokes from some manatees who randomly put balls into a chute? I feel like Harper's Island uses the same manatees but the balls now have every horror cliche they could think of.

Posted by: Jessica at February 26, 2010 2:24 PM

Well, even your bone-splintered, un-uniformly-heated mangy self is funnier on a sick day than many of us when we're well.

Hope you feel better soon.

PS: I would have succumbed to those tissue boxes too.

Posted by: hope101 at February 26, 2010 2:30 PM

Thank you for posting!
And I hope you feel entirely healthy soon.

Posted by: Jen at February 26, 2010 3:59 PM

Thank you for posting!
And I hope you feel entirely healthy soon.

Posted by: Jen at February 26, 2010 4:05 PM

I too find that things marked non-drowsy often make me super drowsy. I am one of the few people happy that Sudafed had to change their formula since the new stuff doesn't affect my energy. I confess it had not occurred to me that should make you drowsy might have the opposite effect on me, might have to try that.

Posted by: RandomRanter at February 26, 2010 4:53 PM

The NY Times had an interesting article back in January about colds and the sniffles and the most cost-effective method of treating same. Most of the OTC remedies were poo-pooed besides the basic acetaminophen/ibuprofen for fever and aches. So indulge in those Puffs Plus, some vaseline for your nose and watch Cranford-slow and British should put you to sleep even though Judi Dench is one of the leads.

Posted by: Bridget at February 26, 2010 5:54 PM

Some people just seem to have paradoxical reactions to medications. Everything that should sedate them makes them hyper. Very young kids can be like that, too. I once gave my oldest child (14 months at the time) Benadryl so she would sleep on a plane trip. She not only didn't sleep, but she DID NOT STOP MOVING for about 8 hours straight.

Hope you're feeling better very, very soon!

Posted by: Sarah Y. at February 26, 2010 8:03 PM

So nice to know I am not the only one who has backward reactions to cold medicine! I also fall asleep when I have caffeine. I think it is all my mother's fault - she has to bundle up in sweaters in the middle of summer, because the more active she is, the colder she gets.

Posted by: Jen at February 26, 2010 8:45 PM

I have never seen those Trader Joe's boxes before, and they are adorable. Love!

Posted by: Heather at February 26, 2010 9:19 PM

I have a super secret box of Kleenex with Lotion hidden away for when I have a cold. ALL MINE. Because nobody takes care of me when I'm sick. My husband says, "Hope you feel better." as he runs out of the house & leaves ne with a kid & everything. When he's sick, lays on the couch and wants to waited on.

I'm a big fan of Benedryl Sinus. It has anthistimine/decongestant/pai reliever. Knocks me out for the night.

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Posted by: account money at February 27, 2010 2:06 AM

Being all contrary and a negative-nellie, I would become very angry with those Trader Joe's tissue boxes when I'm sick . . because they are being patronizing and cannot truly ever understand my agonizing pain. ;-)

(gently drapes refrigerated rice bag across your forehead), there, there sweetie. All will be better soon.

Posted by: Brigitte at February 27, 2010 7:18 AM

But I DO love that box! Could you refill with soft Kleenex? ;) No?
Hope you're all the way well soon.

Posted by: edj at February 27, 2010 8:55 AM

You make sick funny! and I like that. Went last nite with friends for a birthday celebration for their 11 yo. Hibachi table, volcano, choo choo train, screaming 3 yo (who is already terrified of volcanoes) lots of adult beverages for me. More fun than a barrel of monkeys!
Happy happy day to you!

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