January 22, 2010

Notes from Languishing on a Bed of Pain

Hi. Blog has been dark this week because I am ‘scrutiating ill. It is not interesting. I am tired of my bed. I am tired of staring blank-eyed at daytime TV. On Monday, I thought this was stomach flu, and as such it should have been over in 24 hours, but it is not stomach flu, it is severe and vicious anemia, and it is not over.

I went to the doctor who STUCK A NEEDLE into a rather personal part of my anatomy, and I have thirty boring pills to take for thirty boring days. I have such a short attention span I don’t even like to do a DELIGHTFUL thing over and over and over, so I am grieved to have the recurring pleasure of saying to the snoring, foot-twitch-dreaming dog, “Please stop scraping my arm with your paw,” as I lie in the bed to be funcitement highpoint of every endless hour.

My skin hurts. I am bored and boring. I have nothing to say to you except that apparently it is very important to have blood. If you have blood, I highly encourage you to continue having it, and if you do not, perhaps you should avail yourself of some. Blood makes you able to go up the stairs without getting woozy and having to sit and rest halfway up. This feels like a very gothic and old fashioned kind of illness; I need a white dress and a scented hanky and some interesting agoraphobia to complete the wan cheeked looked I am rocking.

Also I have to tell you this is not a result of my diet because I have learned that when I tell people that I have anemia, they connect it immediately to my fitness program they start assuming I have gone all Pro-Ana and spent the last three weeks sucking endlessly at a single dry lentil until all my blood got irked and ditched me.

This is not the case. My doctor has identified the cause, and it is being addressed and fixed. As for my diet, I am not doing anything radical. I quit drinking alcohol and gave up processed flour and desserts in favor of lean proteins, whole grains and pounds of fresh fruit and veggies. The only person who ever died of that diet died of BOREDOM. And I heard one girl died of a broken heart on this diet, so deeply did she pine for Toblerone. But they both died just CHOCK FULL of blood.

I wish it WAS my diet. I would pay good money to find a physician who would blink at me gravely and say, “If you will only go home and Hoover up an entire bag of Cheetos, preferably washed down by giant icy cosmopolitans and followed by half a box of chocolate covered cherries, you will be set right instantly!”

Posted by joshilyn at January 22, 2010 10:11 AM

Um, get better soon? And I will say, that all science aside, I have NEVER tried to diet, and I have plenty of blood. So. I shall avoid your plan for it greatly seems to up the risk...

Posted by: Jen at January 22, 2010 10:57 AM

I'm so sorry that you're miserable! I hope that your doctor does, indeed, fix your condition - but I have a sad fear that you'll have to stay off the cosmos for the 30 days, at least. I would think that the occasional piece of high quality fairly traded dark chocolate could only help, however - it's pretty high in iron!

I'm pretty sure that the wasteland of daytime TV is not part of the prescription - doesn't anyone in your family have a library card, so that they could bring you books/ audiobooks/ DVDs?

Best wishes for a rapid recovery!

Posted by: Diane (TT) at January 22, 2010 11:06 AM

I can't THINK enough to enjoy to read. It's AWFUL.

Posted by: Joshilyn at January 22, 2010 11:13 AM

Need blood? I'll donate for a copy of Backseat Saints. Hope the pills work. We do pink puffy heart love you.

Posted by: Linda J at January 22, 2010 12:16 PM

I'm sorry to hear this and wish you good health soon!

Posted by: JulieB at January 22, 2010 12:40 PM

Oh no... too sick to READ? That's how I know you're really sick. I hope you feel better very soon -- and does it help if I tell you that I'm sure you are PRETTY even with the wan-cheeked look?

Posted by: Aimee at January 22, 2010 12:45 PM

If you do find a doctor than recommends the Cheetos, cosmopolitans, and chocolate diet, please post her contact information IMMEDIATELY to save the rest of us.

Posted by: GrandeMocha at January 22, 2010 12:47 PM

That sounds downright Victorian. But not in a good way. Sorry the week-after-magical-vacation has sucked WAY more than it should have.

Posted by: Jen A at January 22, 2010 1:23 PM

I do NOT do 'scrutiatingly ill sans Benadryl (or its generic equivalent). If I am sick enough that I cannot enjoy lolling in bed, reading and watching TV as much as I want, then I need the sweet, sweet oblivion of unconsciousness. For me, Benadryl is the quickest, safest route to "oblivion." I have also been known to banish everyone, including the hirsute and quadrupedal, until I am "well enough to receive guests."

And, let me say, I agree with Aimee that the wan-cheeked look is very becoming on you. And that pillow-puff of hair on one side of your head? Most people couldn't pull that off, but on you, it's fabulous.

(I am, of course, hypothesizing the pillow-puff. I get it whenever I am sick. On me, it is a fashion statement; it says, "I cannot be bothered.")

Feel better soon!!

Posted by: JMixx at January 22, 2010 1:32 PM

Poor Joss! Attacked by mutant mosquitos at DisneyWorld! Hang in there. I agree with Diane - have someone bring you DVDs. Then you can stare glazed-eyed at something that cost a lot of money to produce, at least.

And isn't steak good for your blood? Plus, um, milkshakes? And hot chocolate?

Posted by: Holly at January 22, 2010 1:50 PM

I'm sure it is unseemly of me and I hope you won't take offense, but I'm picturing this white dress you need to complement your pale, wan countenance. It is high-necked, but sheer. It has pastel embroidery, done by nuns. Am I right?

Feel better,

Posted by: Carrie (in MN) at January 22, 2010 1:55 PM

Too sick to read is a very sad state indeed. Feel better soonest!

Posted by: Michelle at January 22, 2010 2:03 PM

Oh NOES! Joss, that's terrible, especially being so sick you can't read. Pernicious anemia is serious. Please take care of yourself. Ray and I love your work, and at the risk of sounding gushy and fangirlish, we love you!

Posted by: Eleanor at January 22, 2010 2:48 PM

I'm really sorry to hear this. It is random. And appalling. (too sick to read?! gah) you poor poor thing you. I bet this makes Maisy puking in the bathtub look downright cheerful. godspeed on your recovery.

Posted by: Jess at January 22, 2010 3:05 PM

This is what tv shows on DVD are made for. Just lay in bed and watch hour after hour of The Office or something.

Posted by: Haley at January 22, 2010 4:44 PM

Sounds awful. I can't stand being too sick to read. Please take care of yourself and get better soon. I can't believe you managed to blog! And I'm pretty sure dark chocolate is good for anything, except puking.

Posted by: edj at January 22, 2010 5:58 PM

Well I'm glad things are being addressed and mended. Get well soon!
Also, I pine very deeply for Toblerone.

Posted by: Heather at January 22, 2010 6:52 PM

Bless. Your. Heart.

Posted by: Roxanne at January 22, 2010 9:19 PM

I'm so sorry. That sounds awful.

Posted by: elizabeth at January 22, 2010 10:37 PM

Well, this sucks.

Do you like beef liver? How about cooked beets? If you're feeling 'old school' have Scott run down some good 'ol backstrap molasses and pour it on waffles.


Also: cease the coffee and tea for a while. I can't tell you why - just trust me.

Lastly, remember when you're sick, all rules of go out the window and you get to do anything (ANYTHING!!) you want to feel better. It is a federal law... I think. Be a good citizen, get well soon.

Posted by: Brian at January 23, 2010 2:31 AM

Ugh, poor thing. I know lean proteins are good for your blood, so I knew it wasn't your diet. At least it had the decency to wait until you were back home.
Could it be . . . female issues that Mir would write about, but that you are too much of a delicate flower to discuss? If so, lots of us have had that issue too!

Posted by: Brigitte at January 23, 2010 7:24 AM

Fervently hoping those pills work! How you manage to be all wordy and stuff when you're too sick to read ... I'm just amazed.

But I think the chocolate covered cherries might just do the trick.

Posted by: PattiH at January 23, 2010 4:54 PM

This took me about an hour to write. It's INSANE how brain-clogged and logey I was. I am feelingmuch better today, thanks. Less like a bit of wind blown lint. Almost human.

Posted by: Joshilyn at January 23, 2010 5:29 PM

Ugh. I am sorry.
Perhaps when you have regained some blood, you could move onto other Victorian ailments such as la grippe, or hysteria. It could make for an interesting memoir, yes?

Posted by: babelbabe at January 24, 2010 9:28 AM

So sorry you're ill; feel better soon!

Posted by: Kim at January 24, 2010 8:12 PM

Sorry you're sick. I hope you're feeling great soon.


Posted by: the domestic fringe at January 25, 2010 8:32 PM