January 18, 2010

My Blogger Went To Disney, and All I got Was This Dern Puking/Satanic Goat Story

We are back! I tweeted despairing tweets about vomit-y Maisies, but by day two she was perky and good to go. She even rode Space Mountain and screamed her head off and pronounced it to be, “awesome.”

The worst part was, I HOLLERED at the child while she was feeling all lowly. The first night we were there, Maisy got up, walked a foggy state of semi-consciousness into the bathroom, sleep-puked stealthily into the tub (which we did nto discover until the next morning....), and then started wandering loudly around the hotel room.

I bolted up, blinky-blind and flailing at the covers, and made out her tiny form backlit against the window. She was making snivel noises and borping back and forth between the table and the edge of the bed like a wind-up toy after a three martini lunch.

“What on earth are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m hungry,” the child said.

Not “I just puked the earth in the bathtub,” or even “I don’t feel so good.”
No, she said, “I’m hungry,” and ponged off the the table again and said, “Ow,” and then, “Mama, can you make me a snack?”

I might have responded with...low enthusiasm. But she upped the snivel to actual tears and claimed she was too starving to sleep. I got up and stomped around finding Kashi Cereal bars and juice pouches and grumping at her. She ate about four bites before giving the snack riiiiight back again, with interest, at which point I realized that at seven, she did not recognize the feeling of being nauseous.

Then I felt like poopoo. Mean, un-insightful, hollery, grumpy poopoo.

It was a Total Momfail moment, and no doubt the reason why I was visited by Satan this morning while I was using the dentist’s restroom. I thought at first it was Actual Satan, and I barked out a short OHNOIAMTHETOILETANDISEESATAN scream. But then I realized it was only Satan’s goat. Himself’s Goat was perfectly at home, since all dentists' offices are metaphysical next door neighbors with the sulpherous pits of deepest hell.

Here he is, peering judgmentally out of the wooden door of the restroom which was directly across from the toilet:

It was quite disconcerting.

Speaking of Satan, I have heard from many of you that he is random, and he generates numbers over at random.org. Apparently, commenter # 1 and commenter #68 have rigged a shady deal with him--here they are:

OOH! That looks like a good one -- and I'll have to check out her other books. Have a marvelous time at WDW. Posted by Kim at January 13, 2010 9:50 AM

I'd love to read it! Posted by Kristin at January 14, 2010 11:59 PM

K and K win the two free copies of A Field Guide to Burying Your Parents. I might have traded MY immortal soul for something a little more lasting, like “nevernevernever losing at Scrabble.” But hey, we all have our price.

So, Kim and Kristen, send me a snail addy and I will get your prizes out to you, and if you really ARE hooked in with the fella in the deep downstairs? Tell him to come get his pervy goat out of the ladies’ room, love-a-pete.

Posted by joshilyn at January 18, 2010 2:48 PM

That is not Satan. That is a happy tree, raising its limbs in joy.
I'm not surprised to hear he might be hanging out at the dentist's though. That's a logical place for someone who enjoys human suffering.

Posted by: edj at January 18, 2010 6:27 PM

I'm with you on the door, that is totally creepy.

And don't worry on the momfail. Mine are all in their 20's now, and they do so many crappy things during their teenage years, they more than make up for any momfails on your part now.

Posted by: Pam at January 18, 2010 7:40 PM

That is a satanic goat, with leaping flames rising behind it. LOOK AT THE EYES!!!!

Posted by: Joshilyn at January 18, 2010 7:40 PM

OMGosh! I laughed til I cried about the goat in the potty! I would have screamed a wee too....

Posted by: Nicole in WI at January 18, 2010 7:58 PM

That looks like a laminate door to me, and as laminate is the devil's contribution to bad decorating, it all makes sense to me....

Posted by: raine at January 18, 2010 8:06 PM

creepy! I think I'm gonna have nightmares now.
goat or satan himself, either way, he watching you.
yup, nightmares.

Posted by: elizabeth at January 18, 2010 9:33 PM

That might be the creepiest thing I've seen in a dentist's office since...

Never mind. Creepiest thing I've seen in a dentist's office.

Posted by: erinanne at January 18, 2010 10:50 PM

Heh, it's usually dragons I see in the laminate doors. Yours definitely looks more like Satan's goat, however. I sincerely doubt that he'll be getting the pilgrimages that the Jesus-potato-chips and water-stain-Marys get. ;-)

Posted by: Brigitte at January 19, 2010 9:09 AM

I guess the good thing is, you were on the toilet. So if the goat scared you so badly that you peed, at least you didn't pee your PANTS. Small mercies. ;)

Posted by: Aimee at January 19, 2010 11:46 AM

I see Jesus in the wood of my china cabinet, so I think that miiiight cancel out your Satan goat in the dentist bathroom door. Maybe.

Glad you guys had a good time at Disney.

Posted by: Erin at January 19, 2010 2:52 PM

Better Satan's goat at the dentist than a giant explicit wood grain va-jay-jay on your office door that you see five days a week.
Seriously. It's haunting.

Posted by: kris at January 19, 2010 9:17 PM

Ok, that door is creepy. I might have had to request a new room. Or at least thrown a towel over it.

Posted by: Amy at January 21, 2010 1:32 AM