December 18, 2009

Math Doesn’t Lie. Even if You Ask Nicely.

Problem 1. Solve for Vet, where Vet is X, and Y is a variable that = the number of times you refrained from punching anyone in the face while your poor old skeezixy kitty lost 3 pounds and cried and picked out all his butt hair and lay around acting nothing like himself and licking and weeping with all his skin coming off.


Age of Schubert the Cat: 14

Number of years Schubert the Cat has had a flea allergy that causes disgusting misery if ONE FLEA bites him and he is not treated immediately with Steroids: 14

Number of times my vet told me this was not the same thing, but rather a staff infection, needing wildly expensive intravenous antibiotics: 2


Number of times I was listened to: 0

Number of dollars spent on two courses of wildy expensive intravenous antibiotics, two vet exams, and then a third exam by a second vet who said, “Oh. Look. A flea allergy,” and pumped him full of steroids and sent him home acting IMMEDIATELY more like his pushy tough chuffy fat self: $520.00

Number of times you said, “EXCUSE ME, DID YOU SAY $520.00?? As in AMERICAN DOLLARS???”and I said, “YES! 520 AMERICAN DOLLARS,” and you said, “It is AMAZING you did not punch anyone in the face!” and I said, “I KNOW! RIGHT???”: At least twice.

Solution: Here X, the vet, is equal to EX-Vet.
Coincidentally, ExVet is also = Mir’s EX-Pediatrician.

Problem two: Solve for Butt Muscles, where Butt muscles previous value was, “I thought I had two, called the glutinous maxi-mooses,” but where Butt Muscles are now quantified as “The Pained Legion.”


Number of Pilates Classes I have taken: 1

Number of pieces of me that hurt: All the pieces. ALL THE PIECES.

Number of pieces I did not know I had until Pilates hurt them: 7

Number of times I have Mocked Yoga for being floppy and full of chimes and foot smells led by men with goatees and toe bells who secretly only learned it because they were hoping to get over on some young, impressionable, and highly flexible chicks by pretending the gym is an Ashram and quoting Sting: Infinity

Number of songs/minutes where my heart rate stayed over 135 and I was flooded with The Beautiful Endorphins and having a SUPER fun time: 11/52

Number of songs/minutes where I sat and listened to chimes and was told to breathe and feel all one-ful w/ the universe and wanted to crawl out of the room hope everyone else was too transcendentaled out to notice but was too wrung out to move and lay on my mat as limp as a kindergartener after lunch: 1/4

Solution: Butt Muscles = I <3 Pilates. But not chimes.

Posted by joshilyn at December 18, 2009 7:48 AM

I support the original diagnosis.

It absolutely sounds like a staff infection.

And my recommendation is for that vet to be removed from that veterinarian's staff, stat.

Posted by: Ray at December 18, 2009 9:17 AM

I've never taken a Pilates class that had chimes. Weird! And laying on the mat too wrung out to move is a fine thing. You don't have to do the meditation to just enjoy laying there like a lump!

Posted by: Beth R at December 18, 2009 9:18 AM

Our Chyna cat must have Depo-Medrol every two months or she goes into quick, steep decline. Vet doesn't even question--a call saying it's time and we run in with her in the cat carrier, he gives her poke in the butt without ever taking her out and within two days she is back to normal. We call it the magic medicine.

Posted by: Vicki at December 18, 2009 9:24 AM

You would like living in Africa. You would just go to the pharmacy and tell the pharmacist what you need, be handed it, pay for it (100 antibiotics cost $12), and give it to the cat yourself. It's fun for the whole family!

Posted by: edj at December 18, 2009 9:33 AM

Yeah, I took a Pilates 101 class a few weeks ago - my gym requires that you take the 101 class 4-5 times before you take the real class. 101 involves an hour of a lady teaching you how you're supposed to move into the exercises or poses or whatever, so it's a lot of sitting still and watching her intently, and then 5 or 10 times of doing it with her watching you intently and correcting your form. Not too intense. AND YET. I had the same problem with the hurting in places I didn't know existed the next day, and I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I'D ACTUALLY DONE ANY EXERCISE the day before. So. I definitely want to do it some more, but unfortunately have not been able to make it back to the single 101 class I can actually attend when I'm not working yet. Planning to do it the week after Christmas and the first 2 weeks of January, and then I can graduate to real grown-up actual pilates classes.

Coincidentally, one of my mom's friends lost an insane amount of weight and is all slender and svelte and taut now, just a year later, and when my mom asked her what she'd been doing, she said the ONE AND ONLY thing she'd been doing was - you guessed it - pilates. I want that.

Posted by: Jen A at December 18, 2009 9:56 AM

I LOVE my pets. There have been times, no doubt, my little furrens have been saved by the wise, caring hands of their doctors. But don't you absolutely hate feeling you've been taken advantage of by a veterinarian? I think it's probably happened at least once to all of us who adore our pets. That said, here's wishing Schubert a Very, Merry Christmas--glad he's back to his usual self. >^..^<

Posted by: Kim at December 18, 2009 10:57 AM

You're not saying the vet IS the pediatrician, right? Cause that would be scary!

Posted by: Jenn at December 18, 2009 11:25 AM

Yoga: I grew up the Gun Toting, Churhc Attending, Patriarchal Traditional Deep South where neither yoga NOR yoGURT are consumed in great quantities. But I decided after my 2nd baby came that I needed an activity that would not hurt my knees, so I picked yoga. Upon hearing this, my best friend's (from childhood) husband said, "Does her Daddy know?"

Posted by: Roxanne at December 18, 2009 12:05 PM

Yeah, Pilates will kick your ass AND reshape it, all at once. I hear you on the chimes, though.

I'm so glad to hear that Schubert is feeling like his old self. That vet sucks. End of story.

Posted by: Aimee at December 18, 2009 1:13 PM

Yoga ain't Pilates. Just sayin'.

Posted by: rams at December 18, 2009 1:43 PM

I love both pilates and yoga, and hate the pediatrician and vet. I hope both (or the one,) have been summarily fired.
@ rams, pilates is different from yoga, but there are actually many forms of yoga, and some of those can be quite demanding. I've never been in a class with bells. Although I've had a meditation period in both pilates and yoga classes.

Posted by: JulieB at December 18, 2009 3:11 PM

You know, I don't recall you including your menagerie in the "Open Letters to Everyone." Maybe Schubert and the dryer cut a deal?

Posted by: Roxanne at December 18, 2009 5:36 PM

all those maths made my head hurt.

Posted by: Lulu at December 18, 2009 8:34 PM

Arlo (my basset) has all sorts of allergies. After mega runs of antibiotics and steriods they discovered he has not food allergies, but allergies to all things green (I live in Oregon) go figure. Now we are trying expensive runs of Cylosporin (it seems to be working)

Your butt on pilates makes me relish being fat.

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