December 9, 2009

Open Letters to Everybody

Dear Serial Killers and Opossums,

Scott is home. You heard me. The window for murdering me in my bed/creeping me out by climbing up my grill to LICK the forgotten meat fork with your disgusting possum-tongue (respectively) has firmly closed. My boyfriend is back and you are gonna be in trouble if you even poke one toe onto my back deck. He will end you. HE WILL.

Lady with Gun

Dear Physical Objects I Depend On,

Oh cars, oh computers, oh toilets and air conditioning units, all of you who have already broken, to you I say nothing. We have already had many ugly words pass between us, and all of you are broken and gone, replaced by The Good Cat Car and the toilets from space and etc. so we shall let this sad history BE history.

BUT TO EVERYTHING ELSE I own and need to function at top efficiency---For example, to YOU, dishwasher, YOU who are slowly, one by one, dropping your metal prongs that separate the dishes as if the prongs were loblolly pine needles and you were a tree feeling the chills of winter, and to YOU, clothes drier, who did not get replaced when we replaced the broken washer and who now makes thumpy-whumpy noises as if I had included a pair of Keds in every load. And you most especially ROOF, old gray sagging roof and your attendant saggy gutters. I say to ALL OF YOU, if you are going to break, the next three weeks are your final window.

2009 is the year of everything breaking. AND IT IS ENDING. I have declared a moratorium on HUGE EXPENSIVE REPLACEMENTS AND REPAIRS for 2010. If you limp along through December, prepare to keep on limping. You may break in 2011, if you ask nicely.

With a Steely Glare That Says I Know The Way to Major Appliance Hell and I am not Afraid to Take You There,
Vicious Taskmaster

Dear Alabama,

Thank you for the AWESOME display of gorgeousness. We had no snow boots or mittens, and thus we were not prepared for your glorious and Christmastastically appropriate white greeting, but we don’t care about that. We LIKED your pretty snow, and as for the boots-n-mittenas, we IMPROVISED:


Chilly and Grateful,
The Jacksons

Dear Best of all Possible Beloveds,

My mental illness number, which had reached such a STRATOSPHERIC and DIZZYING pinnacle that my friends were telling me they had heard electroshock doesn’t hurt THAT much and can be an inexpensive alternative to a spiral perm, has reset down to regular. For the first time in weeks, under the vat if mucus currently swamping my lungs, I feel a strange, submerged burbling that I strongly suspect might be happiness.

This has caused me to open my file. The book is moving again. Not forward, oh no NEVER THAT. But definitely sideways, which, considering how stalled I was, I will take sideways. I will kill the fatted calf and throw a FEAST for sideways. I was about half way through, but now I have gone in with a Happy Machete and killed TWENTY-TWO thousand words. HEH. Oh well. Needed to be done. I told my agent about The Great Word Whack and he said, “Oh dear,” and I said, “Well, do you want a book, or do you want a good book?”

He wants a good book. Me too. I want a good book, and to feel inside like this Happy Pointy Snow Fellow with a Crazy Celery Nose looks like he feels outside:


Today? I kinda do.


Posted by joshilyn at December 9, 2009 8:21 AM

cool snowman!!! never seen one like it before!
at least the angel maker was able to enjoy the white stuff!!

Posted by: Judy at December 9, 2009 10:33 AM

Maisy is a fantabulous snow angel and your snowman is darling. Is that a red pepper ring grinning underneath his celery nose? What a healthy snowman!

Posted by: Kim at December 9, 2009 11:16 AM

The hat just makes the snowman!

Posted by: Jenn at December 9, 2009 11:23 AM

YAY for Mr. Husband's return! YAY for snow angels! YAY for regular mental illness numbers! The veggie snowman is awesome. So is his hat.

Posted by: JenniferG at December 9, 2009 12:21 PM

Oh. . .there you are. . .with a wonderful blog post that makes me so glad I keep on clicking over here and PHOTOS to boot. You made my day. Again. Love the dead-daylily-stem arms. I, too, thought the bell pepper mouth was exceedingly clever AND ALSO LOVE that Little Girly of the Perfect Snow Angel covered her hands and feet in plastic but laid her cotton clothing RIGHT ON THE SNOW. And that truly IS a a perfect snow angel in the 1/2 inch of accumulation you had there. We in Houston had NO accumulation, but it was pretty.

Posted by: Roxanne at December 9, 2009 12:26 PM

Possum's can not be trusted. You're lucky Scott is home.

Posted by: pam at December 9, 2009 1:37 PM

Hello, Yay! My name today is Drat! It's nice to meet you.

I'm glad you've got your Scott back.

Posted by: Aimee at December 9, 2009 2:19 PM

Seeing sweet Maisy in her Kroger bag boots brings back childhood memories. We moved to East TN when I was 6, and my mother, the Florida native, never once invested in boots or gloves for us for the winter -- it's not like snow was going to be a surprise and she was caught unawares. I think it was her passive-aggressive stance against Tennessee. By golly she'd never had to wear boots and gloves for winter, and her children weren't either. I wore socks on my hands, two pairs of jeans, and plastic bags over tennies to go play in three foot drifts of snow. Good times!

Posted by: Lori B. at December 9, 2009 5:41 PM

I enjoy Maisy's improv snow attire, and i adore the snowman's jaunty pith-helmet chapeau. De rigeur!

Posted by: Rachel at December 9, 2009 8:00 PM

I am glad you are once more protected from serial killers and opossums :P And Maisy does indeed make a very adorable snow angel :)

Posted by: Heather at December 9, 2009 8:20 PM

I love the hands and feet in plastic! We in Michigan (who should be oh so prepared) had a little boy with one red mitten and one blue mitten this morning. They were warm and dry and that was all I cared about. At Oh My God I'm Going To Late AGAIN O'clock, that's all I ever care about.

Posted by: GrandeMocha at December 10, 2009 3:45 PM