November 30, 2009

In Which the True Scope of My Horrid Selfish Nature is Revealed

May I just say, with Scott out of town for 9 more days, the LUXURIOUS SMACKY-SMOO mouth noises of all my animals as they ENDLESSLY lave at their nether portions are starting to make me INSANE. I have gone to three different rooms to perform chores in the last hour and EACH ROOM has been grossly over-full of an entirely different animal totally engaged in committing LOUD, MOIST, and OVERLY PERSONAL acts of grooming.

Also, on Failsgiving, I left a stick of butter unattended and the dog ate it. He even ate 90% of the paper. It makes his CEASELESS grooming sound to my fevered imagination to be especially greasy-mouthed and foul.

Also, on Failsgiving I was Cloverfield, the monster. I eated everything. I am up three pounds and have not yet worked out today because I am also EPIC FAILING at sleep without Scott here. My sad body is so tired that it just wants to be fed French triple cream cheeses and be put to bed. Instead I am putting it to laundry. And drafting. And critiquing manuscripts for a workshop. And whining.

I really have my nose to that WHINE grindstone, peeps.

I planned to get through my chores and then go SIT in a dark theatre with a GIRL FILM, the more cheery and mindless the better, but alas. It is 12;37 and I am only 1/3rd of the way through all the crap that MUST be finished before 3 PM when I have to go get the kids. I am so SLEEPY that am wading through my house as if the air was thick as half-set cherry Jell-O. And many of the things I have to do cannot be put off as they are prep for my kids’ piano recital, which is tonight.

May I say, secretly here, SHHH SHHH, just between us...and here it gets tragicly selfish and I deserve to be torn up by Elijah-bears, I truly do, acknowledged, but in the interests of oversharing out of pure exhaustion I will tell you: I really do not like piano recitals.

I go, and I smile and clap like a loon and make a great fuss because...My kids LOVE them. They are performance oriented. What chance did they have of NOT being performance oriented, with parents who met doing Summer Stock theatre. But my kids are also BOTH musically inclined. THIS they get WHOLLY from Scott.

At home, I admit, I DO like watching my kids play piano. But this is because I like my CHILDREN, not because I particularly like piano. Or music. Or songs. Other people's children are simply not enthralling geniuses like MY kids. Only MINE are TRULY riveting to watch as they hunt and peck their way through Angels We Have Heard on High. Oh and I also do not mind watching my friend Julie's children play. They are my kids’ close friends and I have known them since once was a fetus, one was a babe-in-arms, and one was a three year old karate chopping his way across the mats with my boy. So I’ll watch them with mild pleasure and genuine interest.

Most other people are dear and kindly and quite LIKE piano recitals because the kids are so cute and innocent, and all the dressing up, the kids foam around so excited to show their hard work...but except for multiple bar outings to see the Indigo Girls (and that was a lYRICS thing--I quite like and am often deeply moved by lyrics), I have never, in my life, gone to a place specifically to listen to music. I do not LIKE to listen to music. I don’t mind music being ON, as long as it knows its place and is properly backgrounded. I am partially deaf and totally tone deaf, and I have zero emotional response to notes.

I used to love to go the symphony, but truthfully? This is because I am a terrible insomniac and classical music helps me sleep. I would go to the symphony with my morally and artistically superior husband, and he would sit for 3 enthralled hours while I snuggled up onto his shoulder and passed into blissful, dreamless unconsciousness. This is how I know I do not snore ---because he has continued to take me to the symphony knowing I am only going to catch up on sleep. I am so tired I wish I could go to the freakin’ SYMPHONY right NOW, actually.

I would be bored sitting down to listen to YO-YO MA play cello, so you can imagine how I feel about watching a five year old who is wholly unrelated to me plinking through Rudolph, especially on 2.5 hours of sleep.

While all the children playing this evening are, I am SURE, VERY FINE CHILDREN INDEED, and while my children’s piano teacher is about the sweetest dearest lady on the PLANET, and my musically inclined children ADORE her and have worked their butts off practicing hoping to make her proud, and while they are QUITE excited to play for me this evening, and I am going to go, and I WILL enjoy watching them I will I will, and whileI began this sentence with WHILE I have no idea how to end it. SO I will just say, BLERG. And also, admit I am a bad human who just on her own blog publicly failed Mother.

The bitter irony here is that Scott, WHO IS BITTERLY IN IRONIC TEXAS, lives for these piano recitals. I told you he was morally and artistically superior, and also nicer than me and a better parent, and ALSO when he lies down to go to sleep he just GOES there, like flipping a switch, and STAYS like that, completely unconscious unless roused by wolves or burglars or the alarm clock or his foaming pacing incapable-of-sleep morally decayed Grinchlike recital-hating DEVILWIFE.

Lemon out!

Posted by joshilyn at November 30, 2009 1:04 PM

Poor poor Joshilyn!!! I love you!! Thanks for making me feel slightly less crazy :-) Your blog often makes my week!

Melody in Virginia

Posted by: Melody at November 30, 2009 1:52 PM

Loved this! It made my otherwise miserable, rainy day the eensiest, weensiest better. Thanks.

Posted by: Cynthia at November 30, 2009 2:03 PM

I hate piano recitals too! And children's movies (few exceptions). And other child-centered activities. The worst? When your child is no longer in dance but you have to go anyway because all of your child's best and only friends are, and it's such a small community. AUGH!
So you have my deepest heart felt sympathy. And I personally don't think you qualify as a bad person for this. Maybe for other things, sure. I don't know.

Posted by: edj at November 30, 2009 2:13 PM

I used to get scolded by my daughter for chatting at the soccer games instead of watching her be goalie. By the way, her team was too good for the ball to ever get near her. So she really just wanted me to watch her watch the game. I failed all that Mother stuff, but my girl still turned out pretty good.

Posted by: Gina at November 30, 2009 3:38 PM

I find piano recitals incredibly boring, as well. Also, sporting events, the opera, symphonies, etc.

My dog once ate an entire stick of butter (not the paper, though). It didn't affect her at all. She had a stomach of iron. She also ate an entire box of Samoas, and was none worse for the wear. I sympathize with you on the butt-grooming noises, though. One of our cats chew the fur off her butt all the way to halfway up her back, so whenever she groom that area, we have to forcibly stop her. She finally has a little fuzz on that end, but she still looks ridiculous.

Posted by: Haley at November 30, 2009 3:41 PM

I remember when my children got growed I thought no more recitals. Yippee! Then grandchildren started happening. Will the cycle never end?

Posted by: pam at November 30, 2009 4:05 PM

Hugs! You didn't fail Mother 101. I think only the saints and music teachers (quite often interchangeable people) can truly enjoy [fill in the art-form/instrument] recitals. The rest of us have to be there.

Posted by: Beth R at November 30, 2009 4:20 PM

For sleep, try taking Melatonin. But not until AFTER the piano recital.

Posted by: laura F at November 30, 2009 4:41 PM

OMIGOSH, you just made my LIFE! I didn't know there was ANYONE in the WORLD aside from ME who has "zero emotional response to notes."

My iPod? Full of audiobooks and podcasts of This American Life, and NO MUSIC. Because...why would I want to listen to music when I can listen to WORDS?

Seriously, you have no idea how happy this made me. I'm not weird! Or, at least, I have company!

Posted by: TC at November 30, 2009 4:56 PM

Also not fond of recitals. I do love notes, and will happily go to the symphony (if someone else pays) or other concert-like events, and only rarely fall asleep.

However, my iPod is also full of books and podcasts, because a) I'm too lazy to find new music and b) I sing to all the old music and it's not cool to sing while walking down the street.

Posted by: Diane (TT) at November 30, 2009 5:50 PM

I dare you to come with me to our next bassoon recital. Or middle school anything.

Posted by: Mel at November 30, 2009 6:22 PM

Well you still manage to bring the funny on an extreme sleep shortage. I hope you get some good sleep soon!

Posted by: Heather at November 30, 2009 10:41 PM

Heh. This made me flash back to when my sister Stephanie was a DANCE MAVEN. She did everything -- gymnastics, tap, jazz. And her gymastics/dance school would always have their recital in June, and they would pre-order the HOTTEST, most HUMID weather possible and then have the recital in an un-airconditioned high school auditorium. The thing lasted eight hours (that is NOT an exaggeration) and every kid was in at least three numbers. And at the end, the bow sequence would always be set to something like "Before the Parade Passes By" or "Everything is Beautiful," which all the children would sing in shouty, cacophonous unison AD INFINITUM. Oh, how I dreaded them. I always loved watching my sister, but the OTHERS? Pffft.

Posted by: Aimee at December 1, 2009 11:45 AM

And see, this is how I solved my insomnia. iphone + boring classical music = sleep. I have the softest earphones in the world. Sure, there is an iphone in the bed (and I've switched over to waterfall sounds because that's more consistent and I don't wake up with cymbals crashing in my ear), but I'll exchange the tiny inconvenience of the phone being nearby vs. the crazy, crabby, inconsolably cranky grumpiness that takes over my body and tries to eat everyone in sight when I haven't slept well. I'm eyeballing a couple of wireless headphones, but they seem too bulky. (I would try a noise machine, but my husband hates them.) So, put on a symphony while Scott's away. ;)

Posted by: toni at December 1, 2009 1:46 PM