September 8, 2009

Just Call Me Mrs. Calvin’s Dad

Do you remember that cartoon strip, Calvin and Hobbes? It is one of my favorites. Well it used to be one of my favorites. Right up until I realized I was married to the dad.

Remember how he would deal with Calvin whenever Calvin asked a question and he did not know the answer?


That’s my husband, y’all. Right there.

Last night Maisy came creeping up the hall from her room, clutching her dearest stuffy (Susie the Puppy ), eyes wide, lips pursed into a nervous kiss. She was evincing all the signs of a child who was bored and did not want to go to sleep, and who had opted instead to be dramatically and visibly het-up in the hopes that it would garner her some parental company or an invite to snuggle in the big bed for a few minutes.

Digression: Fat. Chance.

Me: What are you doing up?

Maisy: I can’t sleep. Every time I put my head on the pillow, it’s like I can hear a HEART BEATING. Like a heartbeat! In my PILLOW!

Me: How interesting. Go to bed.

Maisy: But why do I hear a HEARTBEAT in my pillow?

Scott: That’s because your pillow is full of princess hearts. One must still be working.

Maisy: Full of what?

Scott: Princess hearts. We used them to stuff your pillow so it would extra soft and kind.

Maisy: *genuinely alarmed eyebrows* How did you GET the princess hearts?

Scott: Oh that was easy, we just---

Me: MAISY. JANE. Listen to Mommy. Sometimes in bed when a person is trying not to sleep, they hear their own heartbeat. That’s just your OWN heart, rabbit. Go to bed.

Thus soothed, she padded back away up the hall and disappeared into her pink-topian room where she no doubt dreamed of unicorns and fairies, all with their hearts firmly and properly planted in their chest cavities.

Scott: That was probably a good interrupt.


But I knew it was time to intervene. He's been rolling like Calvin’s dad for YEARS now. Remember the elephants?

Back when Beautiful Maisy was Barely Two, she was scared of the thunder. And she came and asked her daddy what that awful sound was. He told her not to worry, it was just the elephants tooting. For months after, whenever it stormed at night, I would hear her peeping voice calling from the crib after every roll of thunder, “Scuse you, Elephants! Scuse you, Elephants!”

I live in mortal terror of the day when she comes to ask Scott why it’s so dark under the bed, or what that scrabbley noise was in her closet.

Posted by joshilyn at September 8, 2009 6:57 AM

Calvin's dad doesn't sound so bad. It took me years to realize that I was married to HANK HILL. Or maybe it just took him years to morph into Hank Hill. At any rate, I was pretty sure I married a guitar playing rocker with a mullet. Now, I'm married to a guy who drinks MGD at the fence with his neighbors.

Posted by: Teri Brown at September 8, 2009 7:23 AM

Oh, that's awesome! "How did you get the princess hearts?" When Logic and Sleepy Calvin Dads collide. Good save, J!

Posted by: Stephanie at September 8, 2009 8:22 AM

Nice save on the princess hearts! Calvin's dad is great.

When my nephew was in preschool, they went on a tour of the grocery store. At the meat counter, one of the little darlings asked "how do they get the meat out of the cow?" Fortunately the butcher deferred to the teacher and trauma was averted.

Posted by: JenniferG at September 8, 2009 8:42 AM

JenniferG - thank goodness the teacher wasn't Calvin's Dad - or Mr. Husband. I'm sure the princess heat story would have reappeared.

Posted by: Mit at September 8, 2009 8:55 AM

The pillow IS actually filled with princess hearts though? Right?

Posted by: the brother at September 8, 2009 9:02 AM

I miss Calvin & Hobbes. Sniff. It was a great save -- both for Maisy's sake and for ours. This little tidbit gave me a great laugh to start the day. :)

Posted by: Linda Sherwood at September 8, 2009 9:16 AM

We are all C&H fans here too. I think the only thing worse than being married to Calvin's dad is knowing you are Calvin's mom. And fearing for his life on a daily basis.

He's either going to jump off a building or get pummeled to death by a teacher who just can't take it for one more minute!

Posted by: Jen at September 8, 2009 9:23 AM

And I thought I had the only Calvin's dad for a husband. Maybe Scott and Robert should start a Calvin's Dad Club. Btw, I always enjoy Maisyisms; she's a star!

Posted by: Kim at September 8, 2009 9:43 AM

Laughing my ass off at "Scuse you, elephants!"

Posted by: RuthWells at September 8, 2009 9:59 AM!... Elephant toots!

Mr. Husband is HILARIOUS. No wonder you two get along so well.

That said, thank heavens you were there to avert disaster. Would he truly have finished that thought, do you think??

Remind him that... (cue eerie music) THE SHADOW KNOWS! (Perhaps that will help keep the evil at bay.)


Posted by: JMixx at September 8, 2009 11:29 AM

This is one of the cutest things I've read in a while :o)

Posted by: Emily at September 8, 2009 12:50 PM

I LOVED C&H. My favorite one was when C found some cigarettes and asked his mom if he could smoke them. She said sure go ahead. He decided she was the coolest mom on the planet. Then he lit up and was grossed out! TEACHABLE MOMENT!!!

Posted by: GrandeMocha at September 8, 2009 4:22 PM

Love C&H but "Scuse you, elephants?" is golden.

Posted by: edj at September 8, 2009 5:17 PM

I love "Scuse you, Elephants!" Tooo cute.

My dad told me the angels were bowling. I'm not sure I would have believed elephant toots, even if he'd been clever enough to come up with it.

Posted by: Aimee at September 8, 2009 5:36 PM

"Scuse you, elephants!" That's my daughter now, at age 7. She's working on her own manners, and everyone elses too. I'm constantly telling her she only needs to worry about her own behavior.

I laughed so hard I cried. Thanks!

Posted by: Jenn at September 8, 2009 5:44 PM

LOL. That ain't right. You should consider writing a "Please Don't Eat the Daisies" book!

PS - When it thundered my mother told us the angels were bowling.

Posted by: CityGirl at September 8, 2009 6:24 PM

My seven-year-old daughter just discovered Calvin and Hobbes. She was outraged to discover they once ran in the newspaper and were new EVERY DAY. She's decided that Calvin is based on her younger brother. I found the strips amusing before I had children, grimly hysterical now that I do.

Posted by: liz at September 8, 2009 8:05 PM

Hee hee! Good stuff.

Posted by: SaltedWithShadows at September 8, 2009 9:54 PM

Great story, especially the tooting elephants. I loved C&H - have you read Non Sequitur? Danae is Calvin's smarter, darker sister. Loved the bit about stupid people:

Danae's Dad: How's your campaign to rid the world of stupid people going, Danae?

Danae: ...sigh... Not so good, Daddy.

Trouble finding support?

No, just the opposite! I have way too many of the wrong element who want to sign up.

Danae: The problem with stupid people is that they don't think they're one of them.

Well, not everyone can be like us, dear...

There, see what I mean?

Posted by: Sandi at September 9, 2009 9:07 AM

I still weep that I didn't/don't have enough money for that COMPLETE C&H set that came out a few years back.
Calvin's dad, huh? At least he thinks fast!

Posted by: Brigitte at September 9, 2009 1:40 PM

And actually? When you're considering being scared, that kind of explanation can be hugely reassuring -- it can't be that bad if Daddy is giving one of his Calvin-dad explanations. But am I the only one imagining any number of where babies come from/HOW THEY GET THERE questions Dad might riff on? O my.

Posted by: rams at September 10, 2009 4:53 AM

LOL! He is SOOOO Calvin's dad. The hubs and I are huge Calvin fans. Thanks for making me snort!

Posted by: Tammy at September 11, 2009 10:55 AM