August 28, 2009

In Which No Winners Are Eaten

OH best beloveds, I am devastated to report that you did not all win the single copy of THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE that I have in my possession.

ALAS. Perhaps I should be like the hideously dishonest, vicious, and pathologically jealous lady who came with her roommate before King Solomon. They each had a son, and one child had died in the night. Solomon offered to cut the baby in half for them. The real mother declined, natch, but the vicious one said, “Sure, cut up the baby. But I want the top half.”

Perhaps I SHOULD hack the book into 106 equal pieces and mail you each a chunk. But then the ones who got cover bits and no sex scenes would say I played favorites. SO. I will roll the bones instead.

Only one of you won the book, and one got the pin and tats, and two got tats and magnets. As for the rest of you, I AM SORRY! SO SORRY! To see you so bereft hurts me in my teeny pink internal puffy rabbit. (Yes. I have one. He has taken up residence in the soul-spot where most people keep their love of beautiful mountain vistas and the ability to be emotionally effected/moved by music. The rabbit is a squatter. He sidled in because the space was mostly empty; I had only a wizened, bored raisin taking rattling about in there. I think he ate it.)

ANYWAY, it HURTS me in my rabbit to have only one winner, but the GOOD news is the first book is paperback. Mass market. Not at all spendy!

Due to rabbit pain and in the interests of fairness, I cannot PICK a winner. I have known many of you for a long long long time. I leave the cruel business of winner-picking up to the gods of Random They are vicious, number-y mathy sorts with long supercilious noses and cold stares, not really our kind, but what else can I do? If you did not win, I feel for you---those exacting bastages hate me too.
I never win anything.

I think I never win anything because of the Candy Bucket Incident that happened when I was in first grade. My scumbag brother, a fifth grader, was asked by his school to sell ten raffle tickets. The winner of the raffle would get a pumpkin ---a BIG pumpkin, mind you---hollowed out and carved and chock full of candy. My brother, who did not wish to go door to door and who was told by his teacher in NO uncertain terms that he must unload TEN of these handmade tickets at a BARE MINIMUM, finagled me into ravaging my piggybank, denuding it of all its monies, and leaving me with the tickets.

My mom and dad tried to UNDO his dastardly deal, but I was adamant. I believed my tickets would win. I believed with all my rabbit. I believed so hard and so truly with my WHOLE pink rabbit that my LIFETIME STORE OF LUCKINESS stepped in and squandered itself on a punkin fulla Bit-O-Honeys and mini Milky Ways.

Add that to the trick-or-treat loot I garnered, and for WEEKS I was able to eat candy til I was sick-sick-sick, beginning a lifelong tradition of gluttony that has ended with me needing to do the American Heart Associations BETTER U Program. HEH. And now the Lotto is over 300 mil, and that candy is long gone, and I need to go get on the elliptical and continue candy penance and not plan to buy an ISLAND any time soon.

My point is only this: you didn’t want those grapes anyway, I am sure they were sour and HAD you won , you have tripped on the book, greatly harming your toe. You might even have fallen into a door and concussed yourself and lay for hours in a near coma before finally dying, at which point your cats would have eaten you.

It is better this way.

Unless of course you are Anne Marie, in which case, the number gods like you, I am SURE you will not be eaten by cats, and in any case, you won.

The gods of random have done spaken:

Comment 71 wins the book (posted by Anna Marie at August 26, 2009 1:37 PM)

Comment 11 wins the pin and Tats (Posted by cheryl at August 21, 2009 9:39 AM)

Comment 48 wins tats and a magnet. Heather of target="_blank">Based on a True Story (Posted by Heather at August 26, 2009 10:56 AM)

100 wins tats and a magnet. Ginger, who is BETTER Uing. Huzzah!
Posted by Ginger at August 27, 2009 3:17 PM

If any of these people are you, email your snail addy to Joshilyn at Joshilyn Jackson dot com, and Lo! Your lootage shall be mailed to you.

Posted by joshilyn at August 28, 2009 9:16 AM

Haha Joss, I love the way you made the announcement oh so fun! It almost makes up for not winning ;)
(I kid, I kid - I got it last time so I shan't be greedy!)

Posted by: Heather at August 28, 2009 10:47 AM

If I have to suffer the pain of not winning the book - and it appears that I do - I'm grateful to have the belly laugh that your post inspired in me. Meanwhile, the first book is waiting for me at the library. Congratulations to the winners!

Posted by: Sandra Leigh at August 28, 2009 10:51 AM

I am assuming that I am saving up my Lifetime Store of Luckiness for something really super, because so far said luckiness is conspicuous only by its absence.

Congrats to the winners -- I guess I'll have to go ahead and buy the Kindle version! Unfortunately, it doesn't come with Kindle tattoos. Oh well.

Posted by: Aimee at August 28, 2009 11:41 AM

Hurray! I did not get eated.

Please pet the teeny pink internal puffy rabbit and reassure it that no one is actually injured by NOT winning a prize. And don't let it watch "Survivor." Or "Wheel of Fortune."

Or, even better, tell it that everyone else won NOT GETTING EATED.

By the way, I think I need to rent "Cloverfield." I enjoyed your description too much not to.


P.S. I had forgotten the part of the story where the mean lady said she wanted the top half of the baby. I always thought that the splitting would go the other direction, hence giving us the original meaning of "left-brained" and "right-brained."

Posted by: JMixx at August 28, 2009 1:05 PM

I can cope with not winning the book but now I really WANT WANT WANT a giant pumpkin hollowed out and stuffed with candy.

Posted by: Diane at August 28, 2009 5:48 PM

I don't know, a giant pumpkin filled with Bit O Honeys sounds pretty darn good to me. By the way, if anyone ever questions your skill as a writer, you can tell them that you are able to make people read ten full paragraphs without skipping ahead to the prize announcement. You're just that entertaining.

Posted by: Sandi at August 28, 2009 10:23 PM

alas, I did not win. but that is okay. because I have NEVER won any kind of raffle type thing MY WHOLE LIFE, thereby leaving my luck bunny intact in order to win that $300 million. at which point I will just go BUY myself the book. and an island

Posted by: kate at August 28, 2009 10:58 PM

Gee, I ALREADY fell into a door a few days ago, too. Only bruised the side of my rearend, though. Too bad for the cats!

Guess I must have used up my luck on totally forgettable prizes at childhood Halloween costume contests, phooey. Congrats to the winners!

Posted by: Brigitte at August 29, 2009 6:52 AM

Alas, I don't think I've won anything since the sixth grade cake walk - but I cleaned house that night, winning TWO cakes. My family was actually upset that one of the cakes I brought home was my Momma's. What? I'd eaten her delicious desserts before and KNEW they were yummy!

You are so, so HIlarious! Thanks for cracking me up despite not winning the book.

Posted by: Lablues at August 30, 2009 9:51 AM