August 18, 2009

Better tUesday: Push and RePush Are Eating a Boat

(Psst, a whispered aside to you, only you: The above title makes convoluted sense in my head. Just go with it.)

Have you ever seen that movie, Cloverfield? Scott and I are HUGE fans of any movie featuring rubber puppets attacking from space or brain worms or swamp monsters, so we were ALL OVER Cloverfield. It was the best, most original bit of horror I had seen in YEARS and to this day, we have a standardized, canned, TROPE of a reaction to any mention of the film.

When someone references Cloverfield or we see the box at Blockbuster, our eyes widen, and we get very blinky. By this I mean, we blink too much for a human of average intelligence. We blink like FAWNS do, or Care Bears. And then we say to each other, in hushed, awed whispers, “This is the story of Cloverfield, the monster. He eated EVERYBODY.”

(Psst. PSST over HERE...this whispered aside is to only, only you: I am going to get emails from earnest horror film loving anal retentives who will not be able to stop themselves from painstakingly explaining to me that the monster is NOT named Cloverfield. I think I will reply by saying, “Wow, did I blow THAT one, and guess what? I ALSO just heard from another source that there is no such word as “eated!”)

As you can probably already tell from my tone and the dearth of new blog entries, last week was a VERY bad week.
I was Cloverfield.
The Monster.
I. Eated. Everybody.

I popped the heads off my children and ate them for tiny infractions. I yelled at people who thwarted my desires in traffic. I wept copious lava-hot tears as I downed baggies full of Ghirardelli. I made chocolate martinis ALONE IN MY HOUSE and drank them ALL BY MYSELF until I SAW Pete and Repete sitting in a boat, and Pete fell out, and then I ate Repete and the boat. Pete drowned and I ate his body.

It was a VERY hard week, what with school starting and the 6 foot 4 inch 200+ pound bag of sanity I had the good sense to marry going out of town for 8 days. I made EASY goals to avoid ABJECT failure and subsequent loss of hope. They were:

1) WORK OUT EXTRA to relieve stress.
2) Don’t eat junk food, but do eat a bunch of fruit.
3) Don’t shoot anyone or become a raging alcoholic.

I am pleased to say that in spite of all the horror, I met SEVERAL of these goals. I worked out extra, anyway. I ate a bunch of fruit. Pay no attention to the mounds of freshly turned earth in the back garden, and ignore the clinky-clack of the wine-bottle laden trash bags I am furtively zooming out to the curb.

And on a physical level, it WAS a push. I did not gain any weight. I did not lose any weight. Not an OUNCE either way. I ate five servings of fruit and vegetables every day, neatly balanced by five servings of candy and liquor. I worked out assiduously and very hard. I did not start smoking again or get arrested for any murders or acts of cannibalism I may or may not have committed.

This is, in a way, my third week of PUSH. I have stayed the EXACT same weight for 3 weeks now. One of those weeks was average in terms of eating and exercising, one week I was a GODDESS of virtue and nailed it, and then last week I was the devil. No reaction from the body. I am taking this to mean that my body has a new SET POINT, and I am calling this victory. THAT SAID, I would like within the next 2 weeks – the last weeks of Better U before I fly to Dallas to be re-blood worked and reweighed and measured and re-fitness tested---to see some progress.

And this week is already BETTER. I rocked out yesterday, refinding patience with my loin-spawns, not yelling and turning purple so much, eating beautiful nutritious foods and going to a VICIOUS Boot Camp that has left my muscles all trembley and apologetic. I feel like I am ready to have actual goals again. And since I already quit smoking years ago, as we have discussed these goals are going to be CARRY-OVERS from week ten, which I all but skipped due to being a total MONSTER, which is about role modeling healthy habits for your family.

This week, I made a deal with Scott--- he is NOT going to eat fast food at lunch ANY MORE, and in return, I am not going to Eated Everybody. If he forgets to pack his lunch, he will go to Subway for a sammich that does not feature any form of Salami or Bacon, or to Chick-Fil-A for a multi-grain bun grilled chicken with fruit for a side. Also, he and I are really stepping up the cooking and eating together as family. Last night he made Lime-butter Tilapia and green beans. It rocked. Tonight I am making Salsa Chicken with a Crazy Farm Box watermelon for dessert. And I am encouraging him to get the bike back out and hit the Silver Comet with our son.

Two weeks to go before I am OFFICIALLY BETTER. How Better? We’ll soon see.

Posted by joshilyn at August 18, 2009 9:18 AM

Glad to have you back amongst the relatively sane. The most excellent thing is you are doing SO well in making a BetterU that even a bad week did not set you back! You are awesome.

(I hearted Cloverfield too, the ending stayed with me for a long time)

Posted by: JenniferG at August 18, 2009 9:40 AM

Heh. There must be something in the air as I have been eating people up and spitting them out for what feels like weeks now. I have started reciting in my head every morning "I will be calm and rational all day today" and I consider it a success if I make it longer each day before turning into the ugly monster. Permanent PMS? Pre-menopause? Stress? I have been looking for something to blame it on but now I am going to refer to it as Cloverfield thanks to you!

I hearted Cloverfield too and I am not even a big horror movie fan. Want to think that the people that love me would go to those lengths for me ...

Posted by: Amy S. at August 18, 2009 10:28 AM

So glad I started reading your blog. Makes me feel a little better about those raging, red-faced, 360-degree head spinning days. There are way fewer of them when I get to the gym regularly. And TOTAL EMPATHY for the lack of scale movement. Apparently, three grueling bike classes a week plus one or two weight classes is only good for MAINTENANCE these days (at 46). Sigh.

Posted by: susanvl at August 18, 2009 10:29 AM

Sorry for the bad week, but yeah for not gaining any weight. I had to post because I'd never heard of Cloverfield, but this is the second time I've seen it referenced today! Too weird.

Posted by: kim at August 18, 2009 12:19 PM

So I take it you ate the baby??

Posted by: Linda J at August 18, 2009 4:59 PM

I like your "easy" goals. (I have found them not to be so easy during weeks such as the one you had.) I may have to copy them down somewhere for when I need them. :)

Posted by: SaltedWithShadows at August 18, 2009 9:22 PM

Awww. I am patting you on the arm, passing you a totally fat-free brownie, and then high-fiving you for not gaining during a totally crap week.

You. Rock. Even if you do snap off kids' heads and eat them with strawberry jam for breakfast.

Posted by: CityGirl at August 18, 2009 11:13 PM

Awww. I am patting you on the arm, passing you a totally fat-free brownie, and then high-fiving you for not gaining during a totally crap week.

You. Rock. Even if you do snap off kids' heads and eat them with sugar-free strawberry jam for breakfast.

Everyone has bad weeks. Look forward, not back!

Posted by: CityGirl at August 18, 2009 11:17 PM

Ooh, chocolate martinis. Excellent choice of beverage when it's time to Eated Everybody. And YAY YOU for keeping your weight stable and meeting your goals... even some is better than none which is a heck of a lot better than ending up in the back of your freezer wrapped around the last Fudgesicle while fire shoots out your eyes and chars the doodes in white coats who your screaming loin spawn have summoned by means of running up onto the front porch of a crazy neighbor lady who has perhaps too many cats.

Posted by: inkgrrl at August 18, 2009 11:38 PM

Great job! Stressful weeks can be tough, but you did well - go easier on yourself.

On a totally selfish note - are you going to be doing an appearance in Dallas? Please, please, oh pretty please???

Posted by: Crazed Mama at August 19, 2009 10:17 AM

I was laughing too hard yesterday to type a comment. I think you're doing BRILLIANTLY, even if you did eated everybody.

I thought (but was wrong) that one of my friends was trying to DISS Cloverfield when we were seeing District 9 on Friday (speaking of original pieces of filmmaking!) but it turns out she can't handle the wobbly camera work because it makes her queasy.

Posted by: Aimee at August 19, 2009 10:24 AM

Honey, you are an inspiration. Truly and nobly.
"...five servings of fruit and vegetables every day, neatly balanced by five servings of candy and liquor." And I love your food maths.

Posted by: Lulu at August 19, 2009 2:44 PM

Wait, don't you recycle your glass? There's nothing like standing at the glass container and trying to pretend the multitude of wine bottles you're throwing in are not all yours.

Posted by: Saskia at August 20, 2009 2:23 PM

May I have your recipes for the Lime-butter Tilapia and the Salsa Chicken...I live in Colorado these folks don't know anything about southern food. I too am having a "Sybil" week as it is just plain tough to stick to lifestyle changes. Best of luck to you all. I just found your site today and I love it! Cheers!

Posted by: Sherry Tuggle at August 27, 2009 3:04 PM

We must have been in parallel universes because my kiddies were in mortal danger from my vicious head-biting attacks all week too. It's been a stressful week for me with my FIRST BORN CHILD GOING TO COLLEGE????? Who said I was old enough to have a COLLEGE KID??? Argghhh.... and even though I can't say it in front of them, she is a little more favored than the two hell-a-cious brothers she left behind. I understood her -- we spoke the same language.

Week 5 of my BetterU program -- my goal (which fit in nicely this week) is to develop some strategies for overcoming emotional eating. Anybody know something healthy that tastes EXACTLY like a Hershey Bar?

Posted by: Ginger at August 27, 2009 3:23 PM