August 9, 2009

Double Irish

Scott says my Miff and my Irk have gone missing. He says that for the last few weeks, I have been going straight from “cheerful-perky” to “Slaughterously Enraged.” Zero to Warp Five temper in less than a second.

This is a fair assessment.

I NEED my Miff. I NEED my Irk. If I can’t refind them, I am going to end up in prison. This is assuming killing really really really irritating people is a crime. WHICH IT SHOULD NOT BE. There are people around who seem like they need some killing, OKAY?

But without Miff and Irk, I am not even letting folks GET to the point of justifiable slauterizing. Each day it seems more likely that I might PRE-enrage and kill someone who I suspected was JUST ABOUT to become irritating. It isn’t nice to murder folks as they waffle between being helpful and deserving to be killed and cooked and eaten. My rational mind believes they should be allowed to choose, first, but these days my double helping of heaping Irish temper is trumpeting, “KILL EM ALL AND LET GOD SORT THEM OUT.”

For example, yesterday morning my son woke up with the start of a brand new ear infection. LAST time he got an ear infection, it was ALSO a Saturday, and the on-call the nurse refused to even ask the doctor to phone in a prescription, though I asked nicely, and pointed out it was Saturday, and I was on vacation in another state, and my only options were a phoned in script or the emergency room.

She asked me how I knew it was an ear infection. I said he was 12, and this was his 24th one, and at this point, I could spot them coming from SPACE. I SAID IT NICELY! With a little laugh, like, being funny and cheery. I was not snarky at all, because it never occurred to me she would not do this simple thing.

She got very superior and snippety with me, saying that Sam needed to be SEEN in as we were at the beach so it was likely just SWIMMER’S EAR, and the 100.7 fever might be something UNRELATED and HOW WOULD WE KNOW IF A DOC DID NOT SEE HIM and we should bring him to see Dr. Carter on MONDAY.

I said, still reasonable and cheery, that Sam was prone to these infections and assured her that if she would just phone Doctor Carter, (who has been Sam’s pediatrician since he was a baby) he would call in a script for that pink Cat Medicine antibiotic and Sam’s usual drops. I told her that he could nto wait until Monday, explaining that without that pink cat medicine, his ear canal would begin to look twisted shut and crusty, his eyes would grow hourly more puffy and haunted, and within 12 to 24 more hours he would be in agony with a dangerously high fever.

“That’s unlikely. It is probably swimmer’s ear. Put alcohol drops in it and tomorrow if he is worse, take him to emergency,” Nurse Butthole said.

Within 12 hours, he was in his usual, predicted, non-swimmer’s ear agony, fever of 103.8, and so I had to pay a 250 buck emergency room fee and Sam and I had to Marinate for five hours in a waiting room full of contagious people oozing their fungal disease spores all through the flaccid air, all so a harried Doctor could find 90 seconds between fending off rabid addicts seeking pain meds and clumsy folks who decided to do home repair with chainsaws and who were now spurting arterial blood to peek into Sam’s twisted shut, crusty ear canal and say, Hm. It is an ear infection,” (Oh. You don’t say.) and write a script for Pink Cat Medicine antibiotics and those drops.

SO now yesterday I saw another ear infection coming to land on Sam from space, and as I got dressed and fed the cats and took the dog out and hunted the phone to dial the on-call nurse I realized I was ALREADY grinding my teeth and making up long impassioned, abusive speeches that I planned to scream directly INTO the nurse the second she said “HELLO.” My LIPS were already moving, forming angry, knifelike words into gut ripping sentences. AND I HAD NOT EVEN DIALED YET.

Then I remembered what Scott said about my missing MIFF, my awol IRK, and I tamped it down and phoned and within 30 seconds Nurse Not-A-Butthole (not her real name) said she would call Doctor Carter, and Lo and Behold, he phoned in cat meds and drops and now Sam is feeling fine and ready to start school. I could have KILLED that woman, and she was perfectly professional and nice.

What is WRONG with me? I am growing a deep double line between my eyes that looks like ANGRY HORNS. I really need my MIFF back.

Posted by joshilyn at August 9, 2009 1:22 PM

If you find your MIFF and IRK they are probably with mine. Kindly send them home.

Posted by: pam at August 9, 2009 2:38 PM

You want extreme moods? Just 15 minutes ago I was reading my new blog discovery, Cake Wrecks, and laughing so hard I thought I'd pee my pants. I laughed so hard that tears came to my eyes and I turned ever so slightly in my chair and began sobbing as if my best friend just died. Then I stopped, wiped my face, and moved on to another blog.

Best of luck with the ear infection. I just had a similar experience with the vet (the real vet, not the people vet). My cat gets bladder infections. She's 19 and had been on a maintenance dose of antibiotics, but they took her off a couple of months ago. She started the "squat and dot" (a sure sign of a bladder infection) and the vet refused to put her back on antibiotics without the $150 visit. "It might not be a bladder infection and the antibiotics could be harmful," the tech explained smarmily. So we take her in, they can't get a urine sample because - duh! - she's been trying to empty her bladder every 15 seconds for the past three hours, they put her on antibiotics anyway, and they tell us in two weeks we should put her in a room alone with a clean, empty litter box and HOPE that she'll pee in it so they can get a urine sample to see IF THE BLADDER INFECTION IS GONE. Yeah, the bladder infection that it might not have been, and still has yet to be proven.

Posted by: Sandi at August 9, 2009 2:47 PM

I think any woman with hormones has misplaced their miff and irk. I love how you tell us about it.

Posted by: Nikki at August 9, 2009 3:43 PM

I apologize. I feel certain that you put them down in my driveway for just a second and Super ran off with them.

In their place, I can offer you a rawhide or a squeaky piece of rubber pizza. Will that... OW! SORRY!

Posted by: Mir at August 9, 2009 4:25 PM

Killing! I wish I thought of that last week! I had an zero to Warp Five moment last week that ended in my throwing a case of bottled water down the cellar stairs (which I normally have a tricky time lifting at all) and then going revenge shopping. I can't remember what my husband did to deserve all of that, quite possibly nothing at all. In the end, I bet he would have preferred the quiet of being dead instead. Isn't nature beautiful?

Posted by: Em at August 9, 2009 4:40 PM

I seem to be doing that giant jump between joyous and desolate, lately. We're awesome ;)

Posted by: Heather at August 9, 2009 5:47 PM

I'll bet YOUR Miff and Irk are down playing in the creek and getting all muddy with MINE.

It must be something in the air, water, or husbands, because I feel all stabby too.

Posted by: Rikki at August 9, 2009 6:15 PM

Sorry, no advice for finding your Miff and Irk, but some advice for saturday infections. Do you have CVS pharmacies near you? The one here has what they call a "minute clinic" which is like Urgent Care Lite. They are open 7 days a week, staffed with a nurse practitioner, and can handle routine things like strep throat, ear infections and UTI's, which in my family ALWAYS start on a saturday. It costs about $40 and then, when they write your script, you are already in the pharmacy. Honestly, even if you have to drive an hour to get to one of these, it is FAR better than five hours in the ER and a $250 copay.

Posted by: Laura F at August 9, 2009 6:27 PM

If you find them let me know, but otherwise I think you are just being a Normal Southern Woman.

Posted by: Anna Marie at August 9, 2009 8:24 PM

My MIFF and IRK went missing with my 40th birthday about a week ago. In their place, I was left with a "badly sprained" ankle that is not healing and could be hair-line fractured. Being a teacher, I would take jail after murdering someone over having a cast at the beginning of school. . .at least then I'd get some rest and not be on my feet all day long.

Posted by: Roxanne at August 9, 2009 11:15 PM

I don't know about you, but last week my Miff and Irk got so darn busy with all the things to be miffed and irked about that they went on strike, leaving my poor husband undefended from the giant, horrifying, hormonally fueled supernova of upset, accompanied by some serious ugly crying and the occasional thrown object.

Then one or the other of them crossed the picket line, dragging the other one back by its pointy ear, and just like that, the supernova vanished as though it had never been.

Maybe they're like the little sheep from the nursery rhyme, whom, if you leave alone with come home, wagging their tails behind them?

Posted by: Jessica at August 9, 2009 11:52 PM

My Miff and Irk have joined all the rest of yours and they seem to be having a great time on a cruise in the Carribean.

My near-or-soon-to-be explosion is medical too.

I've hurt my knee, I'm in physical therapy for it, and on Friday (after PT), I couldn't walk. At all. Missed work.

So I called my doc to see if there's something else besides Tylenol (which is all I'm allowed because she's got me on a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory) like say morphine.

I called at 8:00. I called at noon. I called at 3.

After 4, the nurse tech called back and asked if I was taking Motrin or Aleve. I explained about the non-steroidal anti-inflammatory and Tylenol.

She said, "Oh. I bet she forgot she prescribed that. I'll get back to you."

It's now Sunday.

And I think my doc has Monday off.

I'm better, but that's not the point, not the point at all.

Miff? Irk? Long, long, LONG gone.

Posted by: Fran at August 10, 2009 12:11 AM

I find that eating a healthy, not-too-calorie-laden diet usually really pisses me off, personally.

I do those pre-conversation rehearsals of ripping people all up-and-down too, it DOES really throw you off when your rehearsal is completely wasted by their being NICE.

Posted by: Brigitte at August 10, 2009 6:55 AM

I think our Miffs ran off together. I could gladly kill EVERYONE whether they deserve it or not. Just on general principal.

It must be the heat.

Posted by: Leandra at August 10, 2009 9:18 AM

My Miff & Irk disappeared, along with Peeved and Irritated Sigh. They were replaced by Angry Shouting and Door Slam.
My people vet made me get my hormones checked...
I'd rather just take the pink cat medicine.

Posted by: Traci in GA at August 10, 2009 10:41 AM

Aren't you in mid-new-book-blocking? Your mental illness numbers usually start rising right about now... maybe this time they're just finding a new way to display?

But at the same time, I hear you. It's been a sort of "must KILL" time for me, too.

Posted by: Beth R at August 10, 2009 11:48 AM

Oh, I think Beth R. hit the nail on the head. Miff and Irk don't stand a chance when high Mental Illness number comes to town. Your creative process may make things dangerous for stupid people who cross your path, but your readers wouldn't change a thing!

Posted by: Carrie (in MN) at August 10, 2009 12:33 PM

(I wanted to email this to you, but couldn't find how to do it on your site.) All kidding aside, if your son is getting ear infections all the time, there's something wrong. No one is just "prone" to them. Shame on his doctor for never looking for a cause!

Often, a misaligned neck vertebra is the culprit. (The nerves from the upper neck supply the ears and the eustachian tube) VERY easy to correct. I'm a pediatric chiropractor, so I assure you this is as common as it gets. I think you have my email from this comment, so you can ask me for more info.

And BTW, I just love your blog.

Posted by: Sangye at August 10, 2009 12:59 PM

OK I'm going to be the one to say it.. Please remember that you are loved and that the valuable box you are reading this from has done nothing wrong. I Linda J did it. YOU NEED CHOCOLATE NOW!!!

A few years ago I completely upended my food type and intake and the mighty sword eliminated all non natural processed food. 3 weeks later a coworker laid a chocolate bar in front of me at break and whispered in my ear "Honey you really need this or you may end up losing your job for your attitude" I cried as I ate it but I could seriously feel miff and irk oozing back into place.

Honey you need this for the better good of your family.

Posted by: Linda J at August 10, 2009 3:09 PM

Oh Linda J., can you come to my house and give me chocolate (just a small piece) and pet my hair and say it's going to be okay? You sound lovely.

Thanks to my sainted in-laws keeping my children for 4 days, I have found my MIFF and IRK after a summer's long absence. I am hoping they decide to stay around at least until school starts, and I make it through all the open houses, and requests for money from the PTO, and back-to-school paperwork, and oh no, I see them over there in the corner planning their escape again.

Posted by: Lori B. at August 10, 2009 7:50 PM

Might Beatrice be able to find all of the missing Miffs and Irks?

Posted by: Roxanne at August 10, 2009 10:09 PM

I agree, it must be the heat. And lack of chocolate. And new book syndrome.

Miff and Irk left my house a few months back, for good I think. I noticed it right after the death of a loved one. It started with them sneaking out once or twice a day. Where did they go? The corner bar? Without ME? How rude. Then it escalated. They'd run off together for an overnight interlude, someplace far away, and leave me screeching like a banshee at some unsuspecting soul (usually The Man). The overnighters turned into long weekends, the little bastards. I'm pretty sure they took a two week cruise sometime in the late spring. Then one day they walked out the door, presumably to go to the liquor store for a bottle of something or other, and they just never returned.
I put up signs around the neighborhood, I left a voicemail for them, my family has even offered a HUGE reward. But no luck.
Do you think there may be a gigantic MIFF convention going on right now? They might be dancing together, doing the bump and grind. It might be in Vegas, they are big for conventions in Vegas.
Good luck finding yours. I'm learning to live without mine just fine. :)

Posted by: dee at August 11, 2009 7:51 AM

It must be going around. I believe that my Outrage and High Dudgeon mercilessly murdered my Miff and Irk back in, oh, February. I have taken to literally biting my tongue, HARD, to keep the other two at bay. It works. Sometimes.

Posted by: Aimee at August 11, 2009 10:43 AM

ummm...MIFF? IRK? i thought i was a fairly devoted reader, and yet i admit i don't recall what those are. (i mean, i get the gist, but didja write a post about 'em sometime?) and i would like to be able to use 'em in a sentence.

please, someone, enlighten me. or, g'head and kill me 'cuz i'm being irritating. either way, i'll have a more interesting day. :-)

Posted by: rb at August 11, 2009 11:42 AM

Killing someone ... way better than eating a baby. Or better than, say, combing through the trail mix you brought to work because it's healthier than a two pound bag of m&m's and just picking all the m&m's out of the trail mix (and throwing away the remaining raisins and nuts). So, in short, my Miff and Irk have gone out with the raisins and nuts - all I'm left with are m&m's. Yummy, but not helping me on my way to a "Better U."

Posted by: Kitty at August 11, 2009 9:18 PM

Miffed is mildly ticked off.
Irked is MEDIUM ticked off.
They are baby steps to enrage.
I am SKIPPING THEM and just enraging :)

Posted by: Joshilyn at August 11, 2009 9:52 PM

Last summer my MIFF and IRK left at the first sign of the neighborhood posse. This year I tied them to my ankles before they could get away ... and I take them swimming as often as possible. ;)

And I think you can lure them back with chocolate, but it's gotta be gooooood chocolate.

Posted by: PattiH at August 13, 2009 2:23 PM

You prob need more carbs. They might be bad for the ol' cholesterol and waist line and all, but they really help me keep my temper.

Chocolate is also good for tempers.

And this is something I love about living in Africa--you can get antibiotics w/o a prescription, thereby avoiding that whole stupid on-call nurse step altogether! This stresses out some people when I tell them, but I rather like it. My husband started his own NGO (Drs without Formal Education) and as long as he feels I need them, I have no problem buying them.

Posted by: edj at August 16, 2009 4:58 PM