July 12, 2009

What I did on my Summer Vacation:

Not. Much.

Ate pounds of grilled gulf shrimps and blackened grouper and haricots verts. Ate Sun Chips instead of Cheetos and pretended this was a wise and virtuous choice. Walked on the beach, usually twice a day, sometimes three, for forty-five minutes to an ninety minutes a shot, usually knee high in balmy waves, with my ipod strapped to my arm. I walked for more than 14 hours worth of audio book. (Lee Child, Michael Connelly, Neil Gaiman)

I spent even more more audiobook hours lying poolside watching my children not drown in the pool. (Stieg Larsson) I had wine with lunch. I had naps. I had protein shakes. (I may or may not have added Kahlua to them. *cough*) I had REALLY a lot of rum cake and more than a little “better” cake. I read some very, very good books (Little Bee, The Likeness, Twilight of Avalon, and a couple of ARCs) I began two other crappy books and threw them in the laundry room less than 20 pages in. Vacation is too short to read bad books.)

I ordered virtuous things in restaurants and then ate fried things off other people’s plates. I played WoW with my niece. I organized and participated in 6 boot camps over the ten days. I swam every day. I stuck to a great diet for 4 days, slipped on the fifth, outright stumbled on the sixth, plummeted on the seventh through the tenth , ending with a pizza-Bacchanalia and something I invented called a “Liquor Float” which featured ice cream, dark chocolate chips, and several kinds of liquor. (I am a GENIUS. If only I would use my powers for good...)

What I did NOT do on my summer vacation:

Work. I wrote less than 2K of my new novel. I did not answer e-mails or return phone calls. LA LA LA. It was an excellent vacation.

I am horrified to step on the one true scale tomorrow.

Favorite Beach Story:

My nephew, who used to be an 8 pound potato who slept on my chest, smelling of sweet milk and talcum, is now a high school graduate. He is tall with a gorgeous, confident smile and a tousled mop of bright blonde hair. He’s a supertlative athlete with the requisite broad shoulders and trim waist. By sheer coincidence, one of his close friends who was on the football and soccer teams with him was at the SAME beach place.

The two of them wandered down to the shore where cute little girls in bikinis taught them how to surf and giggled and peeked sideways at the twelve pack worth of abs the boys were sporting. One day, it was grey and rainy, and the waves were scarce and the bikini girls were scarcer, so Daniel and his friend decided to go fishing.

My dad had all the equipment down in his truck, so the three of them set of for the elevator, talking about the best spots and what weights and hooks to use. The elevator paused a couple of floors down and an older lady got on, maybe in her mid-fifties. She was wearing resort casual clothing, and had coifed hair and a clutch purse and sensible but attractive shoes. She had on lipstick. The boys were in swim trunks, barefoot and bare chested, sandy and tousled, and my dad was in his jogging shorts and an old T-shirt.

As they neared the ground floor, my dad said, “Oh, did you guys remember to get the shrimp out of the fridge?”

Daniel said, “Doh, we forgot the bait!”

The elevator landed and the lady stepped to the open door and then paused. She looked Daniel and his friend up and down and then said, “You boys are the bait.”

She stepped through and swayed away, leaving all three of the fellas still standing in the elevator with their jaws unhinged as the doors closed behind her.

Posted by joshilyn at July 12, 2009 7:05 PM

Bless her heart.

Hear reason. Do NOT step on the One True Scale tomorrow. Send it to work with Scott for one full week while you do laundry and drink water and do boot camp and write. THIS is the week which doesn't count. Next week the weight will be up, no doubt -- but why court Crazy? (This should be a tee-shirt.)

Posted by: rams at July 12, 2009 7:36 PM

I love a lady who thinks on her toes. Bet it will be a long while before those boys' heads deflate.

Posted by: lynn at July 12, 2009 7:41 PM

that. is. awesome.

Posted by: Laura at July 12, 2009 8:43 PM


Posted by: stevetokyo at July 12, 2009 8:49 PM

This sounds like one great vacation! If you wouldn't mind alluding to it, what is the general subject of your novel?

Posted by: Coast Rat at July 12, 2009 9:05 PM

Listen to Rams. That is a very, very, wise person.

Posted by: Mit at July 12, 2009 9:32 PM

My brain was still on "Fogged" when I started reading and I thought I was reading a different blog, one by a person who had emailed for suggestions as to good audiobooks for her vacation. As I read what you had listened to, I thought, "No need to answer that email. She is already listening to the authors I would have told her about. Whoa, even Stieg Larssen (one of "The Girl Who..." series?)! I didn't think anybody else knew about him!" Then my brain cleared and I realized who I was reading. Yeah, dumb story but I knew you wanted to know.

Love the elevator story!

Posted by: kmkat at July 12, 2009 9:56 PM

The suggestion from rams rocks. I will try to remember that when I get back from my upcoming vacation to Wyoming (to see my Bad Influence Sister) and Manitoba. Last week doesn't count.

Oh, and - Ahem! "an older lady got on, maybe in her mid-fifties" 'Scuse me. That lady is just nudging middle age. (I know lots of 110 year-olds).

Posted by: Sandra Leigh at July 12, 2009 10:28 PM

HA! Love the story.

I was pretty happy when I stepped on the scale, only to realize I'd actually been almost a pound less before the 4th. And, this is the week of water weight. But. I will step on, record, and Move on on Tuesday. Probably. :)

Posted by: JulieB at July 12, 2009 11:01 PM

The elevator story is a thing of true beauty.

Posted by: Brigitte at July 13, 2009 6:35 AM

Awesome. I love that woman.

Posted by: Marla at July 13, 2009 7:11 AM

Yesyesyes, *nodnodnod* Rams is WISE in her ways.

I hope I am that lady when I am in my mid-fifties, with my coiffed hair, clutch purse and sensible shoes... and a razor-sharp wit.

Posted by: Damsel at July 13, 2009 7:24 AM

Thanks for the laugh :-) It goes so well with morning coffee. And I'd step on the scale just to get the bad news out of the way and then know how much work I have to do to get it off. On the other hand, with all the exercise, you might have lost weight! I am such an optimist!

Posted by: Melody at July 13, 2009 8:24 AM

I am that lady in my 50s, but I prefer strappy sandals with my red hair! Love her. Love you. Keep writing, and wait a week, it will make a load of difference.

Posted by: kudzuhomecomingqueen at July 13, 2009 8:46 AM

Love the story about the boys. When they got
their jaws up off the floor did their heads
fit through the elevator door?

Posted by: Michelle at July 13, 2009 9:12 AM

ROFL! What a great story.

And yes, listen to your peeps. Wait a week for the One True Scale.

Posted by: edj at July 13, 2009 9:22 AM

The elevator lady is my hero. I want to be her in 25 years *cough* or 20.

Posted by: Lori at July 13, 2009 10:03 AM

The scale might not be as bad as you think. I remember one vacation in London when I thought for SURE I would have gained weight, after eating fish and chips twice, and divine Indian food, and high tea, etc. I got home and I lost five pounds.

Posted by: Aimee at July 13, 2009 10:38 AM

Best vacation story ever! Thanks for sharing! And it's glad to have you back...we missed you!

Posted by: Avallia at July 13, 2009 11:45 AM

Cracking up over your story. Too funny.

Ah, I'm sure your rest was over due and well deserved! Your fans are fully behind you :-)

Posted by: Lisa at July 13, 2009 12:25 PM

I'm NOT an older lady, although I am in my mid-fifties, and man, I wish I had that lady's wit! Well done!

I think Rams is right. Besides, all that time in the water probably converted unwanteds into muscle, and we all know muscle weighs more, so if the numbers are up, you'll be heartbroken to no good reason.

Send the One True Scale on vacation! It deserves time away too! It's not easy work being the One True Scale after all!

Posted by: Fran at July 13, 2009 3:23 PM

Oh, bless her! LOL

Lord, Sister, you make me laugh: "I am a GENIUS. If only I could use my powers for good...

Posted by: CityGirl at July 13, 2009 3:27 PM

Older is RELATIVE! Goodness! I meant "older than me." To my 28 year old friend Jennifer, *I* am an older lady. Because I am older than her. And most definateky a lady.

Well. Most days.

Posted by: Joshilyn at July 13, 2009 4:19 PM

Oh, so sorry. Even the One True Scale is not powerful enough to tell you whether all that exercise had powerful, muscle-producing results, or whether it was the Sun Chips that had results. If you must Must MUST measure something, get a tape measure. Do NOT listen to the One True Scale murmuring seductively, "Hey, baby, don'tcha wanta stand on my face?"

LOVE the elevator/fishing story. Bait indeed. (On "Icanhascheezburger," it's the "Sign of Aging, #62" in my lolz.)

My close call this week was when I stepped upon an unfamiliar scale which may well be more accurate than my One True Scale at home, and it said that I still weighed TMICWAND plus 40 lbs. I almost had a neurotic attack, but then stopped myself and said, "Well, if I had gotten on THIS scale back in May, it would have showed TMICWAND plus 53, because I Have In Fact lost 13 pounds. The six inches my tape measure says I have lost proves it." (And I did in fact say it out loud. Imagine what the actual neurotic attack would have sounded like!) To the other person present I said, "I don't care what the number is, only that a consistent scale shows it decreasing." And I shrugged nonchalantly. The best part is that I believed me. Well, mostly.


Posted by: JMixx at July 13, 2009 4:42 PM

I bet that woman is telling her Best Elevator Story over on her blog ... just have to find it ...

And I stepped on The Official Scale after 6 days of beach walking, and gained 3 lbs of muscle, cause my shorts were hanging low and totally needing a belt. SO. Do not be afraid, just have the belt ready. ;)

Posted by: PattiH at July 13, 2009 8:08 PM

"When I am an old woman..." Or a just slightly older than middle-aged woman ... or even at the age I am now, I wish I had the presence of mind and quick wit to come up with something like that lady on the elevator. And then actually say it out loud. Isn't that someone you'd like to get to know better?! Wonderful!

Posted by: Kitty at July 13, 2009 8:15 PM

what i SHOULD have done...PACK CUZ I'M MOVIN!
what i did...GOT YOUR BOOK TGWSS!!!!!!FINALLY(not for lack of trying on MY part)read it ;LOVED IT!!!!and leant it to my bff who was goin on vacation .(she wouldn't take it with her in case she ruined it poolside)how good is that!

Posted by: TRACI at July 14, 2009 11:57 PM

oops...i didnt even read this post b4 i posted mine!well....loved it!

Posted by: TRACI at July 15, 2009 12:00 AM