June 23, 2009

Picture Pages Part Whatever: A Blog in Images

First off, I have to give a shout out to my peeps at Barnes and Noble West, in Madison, Wisconsin. Led by Fearless Jeanne, these SEXY BEASTS have chosen THE GIRL WHO STOPPED SWIMMING as their hand sell title for July, and can I just say, WISCONSIN? REALLY?

Thank you SO MUCH for dipping the landlocked toes of Wisconsinites into my ghost infested murderous Southern waters. Or well, not landlocked. You guys have some LAKES up there I heard? *grin* I kid, I kid – I lived in the Midwest for seven years, and loved it, but eventually the snows drove me home... I am having a bit of a Sally Field obnoxious THE MIDWEST LIKES ME me moment, but do not worry, Jeanne and co, I am going to TRY to refrain from driving straight north to kiss every blessed hand-selling one of you on the lips.

NOW ONTO THE PICTURES. The first one is titled: That Irony, It Is So Ironic...

Just after I lost my entire AHA international spokesmodel crap-bucket over eating a FRIED fast food breakfast item, and just after my husband comforted me by saying, “Honey, stop. You didn’t eat a BABY,” I go to Kira’s blog, and learn that Mir DID. She totally ate a baby. And yet she still wears size four pants. I KNEW I should have chosen to eat a baby over that wretched chicken biscuit.

This next pic is titled: Fan Girl HOLLAHHHHH!

It is MY book sitting next to a TANA FRENCH book in a Texas Airport. My book is sidling over to Tana French’s book, clutching a note that says, “I like you! Do you like me? Please check one ____yes ___no ___Maybe I have not read you yet.” My book wants to hold hands.


May we discuss BOGGART for a moment. My SCUMBAG auxiliary cat. As you may recall, this is The Year of EVERYTHING BREAKING AT THE SAME *&#(*@#)&# TIME. Our material possessions have decided to band together to try to get us---the original DEBT-O-PHOBIC Dave Ramsey FREAKS---- to accumulate WHOLE HERDS of crippling loans, and they intend to continue to suicide and explode and melt and die in spectacular unfixable ways until that goal is met. THANKS MATERIAL POSSESSIONS!

We already had to replace, in the last 6 months, 2 cars whose repairs would be more than double their value, 2 unfixable melted-hard drive computers, and THREE “we are going to stop flushing to protest the war” toilets. NOW the AC has died---right at the FRONT of a Georgia July, when the afternoons are about 98 degrees ---- and died in such way that the REPAIR would cost more than HALF what the replacement would cost. And all the guys we have out to look are saying the system is 17 years old, and the repair could last a couple of years...or a couple of weeks. NO way to know. SUPER.

How does this relate to the Buttheaded Cat Demon I FEED and allow to poop in a box in my house? Well, you know, my issue with him is that he won’t let me PET him. He ignores me, and hurts my feelings, and rejects me. We have had 4 different Air Conditioner guys come by to give ESTIMATES, and BOGGART has cooed and purred and made Bbbbrrrrrtttting noises and pressed against the legs of EVERY ONE OF THEM. I offered to pack him up in a sack, paper or plastic, their choice, to take along, but all declined. Curses.

To add insult to injury, Scott lay down to read in the baking oppression of our un-air-conditioned sweltering living room...and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED:


He’s never done that before, and Scott was so flummoxed he whipped out his phone and documented the moment, lest when he told the story, I decided to have him drug tested for hallucinogens. Bog has NEVER snoogled with a concious me, NEVER, though I am the girl who drove 2 hours to the Alabama state line to SAVE HIM when a small shelter posted a Craig’s List add saying they would have to put down 42 kittens the next day if someone didn’t come get them. Scott says Bog only did it because it’s SO HOT that the LAST thing anyone wants is a heat-emitting furry object coating ones legs like an alive electric blanket with a gas problem. Also, Boggart pointed the tooting end at Scott’s face. So. Seen in this light, it is a bit more in keeping with his general behavior.

Last pic is called: And Now I Have Arrived.

This KILLED me. I had a library date in Gadsden. A few weeks before I went, the library sprung a BUNCHA roof leaks, and they packed up and temporarily moved to THE GADSDEN MALL. They call the branch “The Mallibrary.” It was cool – I spoke in a big open hallway in front of a department store. We had a good turn-out, and several people who had not come on purpose got caught up in passing and sat done and listened and then went down to the way-cool Gadsden Books-A-Million (they were so nice to me there) to give one of my books a try. YAY.

On the way out of the parking lot, I saw that for the first---and probably last---time in my life, I was on A MALL MARQUEE. Like, in between the Sear’s sale announcement and the TIME AND TEMP. The last line of the message was still UNFOLDING when I took the shot (you know how they animate those messages) but it is readable. HEE! I AM A FEATURED MALL ATTRACTION. Like Dip-N-Dots.

Posted by joshilyn at June 23, 2009 5:20 PM

Oh my LAWD this made me cackle. Thank you Joshilyn for the laughs today of all extra cruddy days. I'm trying to pick a favorite line but I just love the whole thing. Well, maybe "like an alive electric blanket with a gas problem." Teeheee!

Posted by: Melinda at June 23, 2009 5:43 PM

And, if you say "THE GIRL WHO STOPPE SOWIMMING" out loud, it comes out with a funny accent automatically!

Posted by: Laura at June 23, 2009 6:01 PM

You are far superior to Dippin' Dots, girlfriend.

I'm just sayin'.

My sympathy on the AC. BTDT.

Posted by: Jen G. at June 23, 2009 6:59 PM


But yes, clearly, you too can be a size 4 via baby-chomping. Just send $19.95 for my exciting DVD that explains how. (Step 1: Have pretty good genes. Step 2: Eat baby. Step 3: Sell DVDs.)

Posted by: Mir at June 23, 2009 9:07 PM

Ooh having read both you and Tana French I have to admit that I like you both so much...Can we all be friends?

Posted by: Anna Marie at June 23, 2009 9:23 PM

Yay! Congrats for you!

And kick Boggart in the nads.

Posted by: Nikki at June 24, 2009 1:28 AM

But...we had those taken out...

HEY! Perhaps this explains his subsequent aloofness????

Posted by: Joshilyn at June 24, 2009 6:06 AM

You took him to the vet for that, didn't you? He equates you with the loss of his dudehood and thus snooglies with dudes to be close to that which he has lost? Hm, and interesting theory. Or he could just be a poopy-headed tom. I'd happily send you my orange boggert, but only because HE WILL NOT leave me alone. We got him too young and I am mother and comfort item to him. I would like to be left alone. Especially as it's hot and cats normal body temp is 102. You do NOT want to snoogle with him. Trust me...

Posted by: Jen at June 24, 2009 8:42 AM

YES I DO! that was the kind of tom I was looking for. Most Orange fellas are snooglers. Shall we meet at midnight at a truck stop and trade?

Posted by: Joshilyn at June 24, 2009 8:46 AM

Bless your hot heart. Our southern forefathers knew how to build a house for heat--shotgun houses, lots of windows, attic fans, long,deep porches. I grew up in a house with no a/c. . .in north-eastern Louisiana. Well--we had ONE window unit in the living room. We'd "shut off" the rest of the house by closing the hall door but only when Daddy got hot enough to say we could, and he spent most of his time in a boat in the blazing sun, so he didn't get that hot that often. I am sorry you don't have an attic fan. And I think Boggart landed on Scott then melted, 'cause he seems WAY longer and more smooshed than a cat should be.

Posted by: Roxanne at June 24, 2009 10:33 AM

My first thought before I saw the pic of Boggart and Scott was that Boggart did it BECAUSE it was hot, and because he was warm and furry and would feel unpleasant in Georgia heat. He's a persnickety little sucker, isn't he?

Can't wait to read The Girl Who Stoppes Dwimming. That's a new one, right? ;)

Posted by: Aimee at June 24, 2009 10:48 AM

From one Dave Ramsey follower to another, I am so sorry that Murphy has moved in with you this year! We are just waiting on our downstairs unit to kick it, so my husband has found a place that sells units to the public.

You can get a package unit for around $2,300 (depending on your specs) that you can install yourself. Of course being an engineer and an all-around handy guy, he can do those sorts of things. Do you have any handy man types who could help? It's worth looking into. The place is Ingrams Water and Air. Just add a dot com to the name and you'll find their site. We have a friend who bought one for his house and two for his business. I'm going on his recommendation and promise I am not connected to the company in any way. Good luck!

Posted by: Lori at June 24, 2009 12:53 PM

Thanks for the giggles Joshilyn! I needed that today. And thanks for the info Lori! We were told two years ago that our upstairs AC unit MIGHT last two to three more years. Now that we are well and truly broke, I know it's just a matter of time - isn't it always?

Posted by: susanvl at June 24, 2009 1:18 PM

I was going to say something snotty about Wisconsin having more coastline than Alabama. Then I remembered that you live in Georgia. Oh well. I suppose it's good for my character to be denied the opportunity for random snottiness.

(I've lived in Wisconsin and Alabama, but I'm really California, thus born with a superiority complex.)

Posted by: Gwen at June 24, 2009 4:30 PM

And also, the book is set on the panhandle of FLorida -- which is just a big strip of coast.

BY THE WAY a good third (in fact my favoritre third) of my next book (BACKSEAT SAINTS) is set in your home-birth-state, in the SF Bay area.

Posted by: Joshilyn at June 24, 2009 4:41 PM

YOU got your name in lights girl!

Posted by: Desi at June 24, 2009 5:46 PM

We saw The Girl Who Stopped Swimming in a book store in Japan. I did not have my phone with me to take a pic and the Gary had the digital, so no pics. It was TOO COOL and congrats on the bestseller post. I told all my FB friends to check out all your books, and a lot have. See how smart people from Alabama are?

Posted by: Kim at June 26, 2009 1:38 PM

Go Wisconsin! Woohoo! Madison's just up the road, and right now, winter is just a vaguely pleasant memory. This week we've had 95 degree weather, with humidity making it feel like 100+. It's not fair! We haven't lost our insulating layer of winter fat yet.

Posted by: Sandi at June 26, 2009 7:31 PM