June 20, 2009

The Bad Bad Chicken

I can’t post winners yet because I am on my laptop, and I can’t cut and paste the comments on it because it is horrible. SO. The contest is CLOSED, and I will roll for winners as soon as I am HOME to do it on a computer that doesn’t make me want to hurl it at a wall. I COULD do it from the laptop, but it would take 20 minutes instead of 3 minutes, and I would cry. OH YES I WOULD.

I’ve had a week. I am so physically TIRED that I am a weepy weepy sack of weep. Instead of simply biting off more than I could chew, I unhinged my whole jaw like a natural born python and swallowed a WHOLE elephant. If you have ever been on Weight Watcher’s, you will understand how OVER I have done it when I tell you that I have earned---COUTING CONSERVATIVELY MIND YOU---at least 22 activity points on WW in 5 days. Ten points of it on Wednesday.

I taught 5 PE classes a day in VBS, had a good friend in from out of town, and have done four bootcamps, two hikes, waterskiing, a swim across a lake and then a swim back, the last half pulling an exhausted third grader who hung like a sack of rocks in his life coat. I. AM. TIRED. My whole body hurts.

I say all this not only to whine and have you kindly pet my hair (although, to be brutally honest, that’s a factor *grin*) but to put the following event in a CONTEXT of I AM SO FREAKIN TIRED.

On the LAST day of VBS, I got up, ate half an apple and some Kashi Vive, and headed to church. ALL WEEK, I virtuously SHUNNED the teacher snack table, which was laden with hydrogenated oil muffins and grocery store fakey-cakey donuts. I am NOT wasting calories on stuff with no nutritional value that doesn’t even taste good. One day, someone brought it HOMEMADE MONKEY BREAD with toasted pecans. Oh hellsya, I had a small piece, but I tracked it and did not feel even a tick bad. I am trying as part of BETTER U to not eat stuff just because it is THERE, but instead choose to indulge in a reasonable portion of my very most favorites, so a treat feels like a real treat.

BUT FRIDAY---I was SO tired, and someone brought in sacks and sacks of fried chicken biscuits. I don’t care about them that much. Almost all fast food leaves me cold. AND YET! My tired eyes, already glazed, positively frosted over, and a chicken-eating brain worm that had been living here-to-fore undiscovered in my spine shot control tendrils up into my brain and I sat there EATING FRIED CHICKEN IN A BISCUIT, trying to stop after every bite and not stopping.

Finally I made myself get up and walk away. I felt stuffed and logey and unhappy. I called Scott, almost in tears and blubbered out my BRAIN WORM fried chicken story, wail wail, and then went RIGHT to abusing myself for my lack of self control and etc. I would probably STILL be sitting there fussing and blessing myself out if he had not interrupted me.

Me: And I just SAT there, like a big DUMMY and I ATE IT, I ATE the fried CHICKEN, WHY WOULD I EAT THAT?

Scott: Honey. Stop. Stop. You ate a piece of fried chicken. You didn’t eat a BABY.

THAT made me laugh and I got over myself a little. I asked him about the plan for this weekend (He is GOLFING with my dad while I do a library date in Gadsden) and he was going over the schedule, and he ended it on some kind of QUESTION and I didn’t hear because I was trying to calculate fat grams.

Scott: Joss? Are you listening?

Me: Oops. No.

Scott: Were you back obsessing about that stupid biscuit?

Me: Yes. I was just thinking about the fat grams, and in retrospect, it might have been a better choice to go ahead and eat the baby.

Scott. …Well. You’ll know next time.

Posted by joshilyn at June 20, 2009 1:09 PM

I think "funny" is highly underrated on the list of what it takes to make a successful marriage.

In assessing the failures of those I was sure would make it and the baffling success of those I thought were doomed to fail within the year, it is the one factor that keeps coming up.

I swear, my DH's ability to make me laugh during the absolute worst of times is my favorite thing about him, and makes me love Scott just a little bit despite never having met him. You are one lucky girl.

Posted by: Jen G. at June 20, 2009 2:23 PM

Isn't it yukky when we give in to the Brain Worms? And those people who have someone wonderful to talk them down off the ceiling are especially lucky.

Hugs to Mr. Husband for a well-timed reality smack!!!

Posted by: Beth R at June 20, 2009 2:44 PM

If the fried chicken biscuits of which you speak come from a "chicken only" place that is currently selling peach milkshakes, then I commend you for eating only one, 'cause those things make me want to eat until I explode.

I'm thinking you're doing awesome and with all of that activity the poor chicken biscuit never stood a chance. It vaporized under the assault of your incredibly voracious metabolism after swimming across a lake. Twice.

*Pet, pet.*

Posted by: Roxanne at June 20, 2009 3:18 PM

See, WHY your brain released the worm was the the guys in the control room monitoring your metabolism saw that you were about to go into that starvation-mode thingy where your body refuses to lose because it thinks you're starving and ONLY the swift deployment of some PROTEIN chicken sandwich would give you enough so the body understood and was calm enough to continue its steep slide down the weight/inches slope.

The baby wouldn't have had enough calories.

Posted by: rams at June 20, 2009 4:43 PM

I've come late to this party, and I want to weep. Why, oh why!, did I not come looking for you sooner. I devoured "Between" and "gods" on a beach trip two years ago to Gulf Shores, where I paid full retail price *you're welcome* for both and then spent the next two days holed up in the bedroom while my precious angel husband wrangled 3 children back and forth from the beach to the pool just so I could read your magical voice. Then I snatched up "Girl" in hardback as soon as I knew it was out and stayed up half the night reading like a 12-year-old girl.

And just this week it occurs to me to look for your website. What is wrong with me!?! That is when I stumbled upon your blog and the all-out neglect of my children began. I have missed two years of almost daily morsels from you that I could have been reading. (I know you've been blogging for four, but I didn't know about you before that, so I really can't blame myself. Well I could, but I will choose not to.) My point is this is much more traumatizing than the eating of one chicken biscuit in a week when its fat and calories were burned into oblivion by all your VBS wrangling, skiing, swimming, boot camping, etc., etc., etc.

Thank you for being "my brand of crazy" and for writing wonderful books and a down-to-earth blog, and not being bean pole skinny and super model gorgeous and perfect in every way, because then I would have to hate you and throw you down the elevator shaft in my mind where I put women who are perfect in every way, and I would hate that because I love your voice and I would miss it.

Feel better now? Good. I need to get back to my children now since I've neglected them for days on end reading your blog. We all have our weaknesses; there are worse things than chicken bicuits.

Posted by: Lori at June 20, 2009 5:54 PM

Wonderfully funny and encouraging post, Joshilyn - I feel better about feeling tired (and I am feeling very tired. I haven't been as active as you, but then, I'm twice your age!). I also feel better about those Breyers 100-calorie ice cream sundaes I've been eating every night. They're within my calorie allowance, and maybe if I weren't eating them, I'd have fallen into a cheesecake by now.

Posted by: Sandra Leigh at June 20, 2009 6:06 PM

Spouses like that are why marriages last!

Posted by: donna lee at June 20, 2009 9:55 PM

The bad chicken is why I will never be victorious at a program like BetterU...I would have been at this point by day 2! By reading your blog I can tell you're doing a great job and I admire your perseverance.

Posted by: Avallia at June 20, 2009 10:16 PM

*pets hair*

*pet, pet, pet*

Posted by: Kim at June 21, 2009 1:06 AM

Too funny! He knows just what to say.

Now I have those dumb ol' "baby back ribs" commercials stuck in my head. Was I the only one that thought of actual baby's ribs whenever I heard those?

Posted by: Brigitte at June 21, 2009 6:48 AM

I fully understand the brain worm. I have a fully developed one living in my head, and far too often it takes over and forces me to eat (and eat and eat and eat) things that I don't even really like.

Keep in mind this very important fact: You need to consume 3500 calories in order to gain one pound. That means you would need to eat 8 chicken biscuits PLUS all of the food that you normally do in a day, at your normal exercise level, to gain just one pound.

Mental health (admittedly in 'some' cases this is a relative term!) is just as important as your food and exercise. If you let yourself obsess about one indulgence, it becomes easier to slide back into bad habits. Don't fall into the "I ate a french fry and ruined my diet so I might as well give up and eat seventeen Big Mac's" way of thinking. Instead, think about whether you really enjoyed it. If you did, then let it go. You indulged. You're over it. If you did NOT enjoy it, tuck that in the back of your head for the next time the brain worm comes out. Remember that the indulgence wasn't worth it, bash the brain worm over the head and send it running.

Posted by: Sandi at June 21, 2009 10:50 AM

I think rams is right and your body knew it needed, absolutely NEEDED that chicken biscuit (which Lillian says are beyond yummy and she has no idea how you stopped at one).

And you know, Peach, that a little naughtiness makes your hair even more soft and petable and glossy. *pet pet pet*

Posted by: Fran at June 21, 2009 11:41 AM

Lots of excellent responses. I, too, hate it when I eat something that I don't even like that much.

No reward for me this week - I have NOT been good at writing down food or activity. The food and activity have not been particularly bad (indeed, I started a new diet yesterday and walked an extra mile), but I was supposed to write it down and was BAD. I may need a form and not just a pad - but I HAVE pads and don't want to waste paper printing out a form (and I think the online thing didn't like me, for some reason).

Anyway - it's not a failure, it's another opportunity to understand why things go wrong sometimes, right?

Posted by: Diane (TT) at June 21, 2009 11:54 AM

HA! Scott is the awesome. That was the perfect response.

I hardly think that one chicken biscuit is going to ruin everything, not with all the running and swimming and hiking and bootcamping. I agree with what Roxanne said -- your Mighty Metabolism vaporized that biscuit in two seconds flat. *Petpetpet*

Posted by: Aimee at June 21, 2009 12:18 PM

You know, you do need to eat extra points when you burn extra points. You can't go into negative numbers. Don't sweat the buiscuit. Move on. Drink a glass of water. (Like how I can be so Zen today? My scale finallly moved a fraction of a pound in the right direction....)

Posted by: JulieB at June 21, 2009 4:59 PM

Today is Father's Day and for those of us who have lost their dads, well, it's not the happiest day, but that whole eating a baby thing has totally made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

Posted by: kim williamson at June 21, 2009 10:13 PM

Your body NEEDED a chicken biscuit! It was exhausted and when your body is wrung out it craves whatever it needs to 1) keep going and 2) fight off illness. Which reminds me...

You put yourself in the presence of a pack of rug rats, while dieting, and then you ran your backside off? Are you TRYING to get sick with the summer crud? Swine FLU, even?

That chicken biscuit may have saved your life! Embrace the consumption of the chicken biscuit! Say, "Thank you" to the chicken biscuit!

Posted by: CityGirl at June 22, 2009 10:51 AM

Blame eating those bisquits on Salt. Those bisquits are fairly salty and with all your VBS wrangling activity were you maybe a tad dehydrated? It can make you crave salt even though what you really need is liquid. Just a thought.

Posted by: JeanEva at June 22, 2009 11:46 AM

I could use a Scott equivalent at work these days - "at least it wasn't a baby" is priceless

Posted by: Chris at June 22, 2009 12:30 PM

Ahem... the brain worm is not unknown. The October 15, 2008 blog lives in Infamy! At least you didn't have to sleep this one off. Scott's right. Once in a while, chicken can save a life.

Posted by: Lori at June 22, 2009 2:01 PM

Are we all having that kind of week??? I went on 4 hours of sleep and by 7pm I was just way too tired. I ended up having 2 NO-NO's just to get through the rest of my shift and THEN the scale finally moved in the right direction for a change.

Babies beware!!!

*pet pet pet* (I didn't realized there was so much petting here)

Posted by: Linda J at June 22, 2009 4:19 PM


"Don't sweat the biscuit" may become my new catch phrase when people overreact.


Posted by: Jen G. at June 23, 2009 1:56 PM


"Don't sweat the biscuit" may become my new catch phrase when people overreact.


Posted by: Jen G. at June 23, 2009 2:09 PM

sctvp3 comment1 ,

Posted by: Zlhijoau at June 23, 2009 7:14 PM

Note to self: Never ask Joss to baby-sit unless she is completely and totally well-fed beforehand.

Posted by: kmkat at June 26, 2009 5:22 PM