June 4, 2009

On and Off The Big Drugs

I have broken up with Lortab. Things were not working out between us. The pills were making my jaw clench and my shoulders feel tight and weird. I also seemed to be MOODIER than usual, which WHO NEEDS THAT? On a good day, my moodiness meter goes all the way to eleven. (That’s ONE MOODIER, for all you smarty-pantses who got my Princess Bride reference yesterday and are on the alert for more cult film salutes.) Most importantly, I was doing things I did not necessarily REMEMBER doing, and I am odd enough when conscious and fully in control of my actions..

Tuesday I was SO LOOPY from the drugs I ought not to have been allowed to operate even the lightest machinery. Toenail clippers and spring-operated toilet paper dispensers should have been put firmly out of my reach. And yet I apparently did quite a LOT of emailing. Today, 24 hours Lortab Free, I am wondering who all I said what to, and why on earth my husband gave me my laptop when (I have no memory of this) I hollered imperiously from the bed that I needed it DESPRITLIKE.

I have gotten quite a few confused notes from people responding to plaintive, opiate-driven missives I sent. My favorite is a VERY KIND if somewhat bewildered note from a publicist (Named Miriam), who is responding to a monstrously whiny rant I CLEARLY MEANT to send to my friend Mir, just dripping with lunacy and writerly angst. A regular e-mail to send to a close friend, but a HUGE overshare to dump on a distant colleague.

Also, I keep finding things in my kitchen that Scott says I bought. According to Scott, right after the surgery I said I was fine and that I should be taken to Target to pick out cream based soups to eat. DOCTOR'S ORDERS! I was VERY convincing. And insistent. Now I have mason jars full of weird, sea foam green, generic brand asparagus soup stacked in the pantry. While wandering the aisles, drooling and bleeding, I found a shelf full of discontinued wines and stacked the cart full of ‘em. Now I have several murky bottles of plonk from bizarrely named vineyards, haling from countries and regions not really known for wine making. Utah? Really?

Target has a Starbucks in it, and according to reliable witnesses, I swung by, ordered and drank a caramel lite frappucino, no whip. I have NO memory of this, either, which is a SHAME because I LOVE them. I wish I at least remembered the frappucino.

I would make an appallingly bad junky. I do not like drugs, they do not like me back, and I go off of them at the very first given opportunity. I am now eating a respectable amount of Motrin and self medicating with iced caffeine. Last night, my mouth was really bugging me and I could not sleep, so I got into the Irish painkillers. I put chunks of fresh pineapple, strawberries from my co-op box, half a ‘nanner, some Mott’s Tot’s 40% less sugar fruit juice, TONS of ice and 2 oz Stoli citron into the blender and called that dinner.

Slept like a lambkin.

Posted by joshilyn at June 4, 2009 7:00 AM

What do you call that concoction?

Joss Juice? Sorry.

Glad you are feeling better and not stoned any more. If it makes you feel any better, your emails to me on Tuesday were perfectly coherent with only a normal amount of typos for the average person.

Posted by: Jen at June 4, 2009 7:55 AM

Urgh, i HATE the dental pain but i hate the drugs they give you for it more. I recently had a r**t c***l and they gave me some type of medication for it that brought me new understanding of a phrase my father uses on occasion, "hopped up on goofballs." I, too, stopped taking that stuff fast.

Here's hoping you have a speedy (er, not like "meth-fueled," but like "swift") recovery!

Posted by: Rachel at June 4, 2009 7:56 AM

Wait, wait... I'm gonna stop laughing in a second.

Oh. I lied. Still laughing!

I emailed you, and it's no doubt in your spam box. Have a look. ;)

Posted by: Mir at June 4, 2009 9:20 AM

Sorry Joss - that is a Spinal Tap reference. Don't know if it is also in Princess Bride. Must be the drugs still. :)

Posted by: Erin at June 4, 2009 10:07 AM

Yes -- the princess bride reference was YESTERDAY (The boy does nto get eaten by dogs at this time), and some clever boots in the comments recognized it, so I put a new reference in today. Today's was, indeedm Spinal Tap. 10 points you.

Posted by: Joshilyn at June 4, 2009 10:09 AM

Well. Perhaps I can't get the 10 points for being the first to recognize Spinal Tap today, although I did recognize The Princess Bride yesterday. SO that means I'm a smarty pants. And in honor of using the Spinal Tap reference, you get to take over from Saint Hubbins as today's patron saint of quality footwear. :)

It's just as well you broke up with Lortab. I don't think you two were right for each other, although I would KILL to read some of those e-mails.

Posted by: Aimee at June 4, 2009 10:40 AM

As a random bright spot in your Lortab-deprived day, my Speech Team student's performance from "Between, Georgia" got all the way to the quarter-finals (top 24 in the nation) at the NCFL Grand National Speech & Debate Tournament. Whee!!!

Posted by: JMyersbook at June 4, 2009 11:36 AM

Heeheeeheeeheee, haahaaahaaahaa. Last time I had pain drugs, I had my now-husband on an epic quest for a non-existent diner on staten island! I was giving him directions and commenting on the usual length of each stoplight. He finally wised up, turned into the WRONG diner and i ordered a double of mashed potatoes. I promptly fell asleep. There may have been mashed potatoes on my face. He assures me he will never return to that diner; i, however, may do as I like.

Posted by: elizabeth at June 4, 2009 11:41 AM

Okay, "Utah? Really?" just made me snort Diet Coke ALL over my keyboard.


Posted by: CityGirl at June 4, 2009 11:53 AM

The Lortab does not get eaten at this time.
I'm just telling you because you looked a little nervous.

I hear you on the meds - loopiness is not good. But butterscotch pudding is very good if you need more soft foods.

Posted by: Genevieve at June 4, 2009 12:38 PM

Genevieve, she wasn't nervous! She might've been a little CONCERNED, but that's not the same thing.

Posted by: Aimee at June 4, 2009 12:46 PM

Well, I got both references, but I was giggling too much from the previous blog (and nodding my head sancimomiously) to remember to wish you well. It's probably better, because now you might appreciate it.
Feel better soon. And thanks for the recipie. I love smoothies and it looks like this one is A Winner!

Posted by: JulieB at June 4, 2009 4:13 PM

add a little curry and crabmeat to the cream of asparagus soup....it's yummy. hope you're feeling better soonest.

Posted by: dramamama at June 4, 2009 7:25 PM

I think Erin should ACTUALLY get ELEVEN points. . .'cause it's one more than 10. And I commend you for getting all of your fruits even while incapable of eating solid foods. Too creative.

Posted by: Roxanne at June 4, 2009 8:28 PM

If I may, could I point you to a recipe for a shake that Kelley Eskridge tells us about. It involves all the good things -- roasted pineapple, rum, ice cream. I think it might help your dental issues vanish nicely.


Much nicer than Lortab!

Posted by: Fran at June 4, 2009 10:34 PM

Send the Lortab to me. I will dispose of them promptly.


Posted by: Scottsdale Girl at June 5, 2009 6:16 PM

(sorry had to comment here. the other one wasnt working.)

Papa told me I was mentioned in the blog.
It is so cool to be flattered by you. I'm just giddily-icious with sunshine.
That makes no sense but it kind of describes how flattered I am.
(I'm not on drugs either)

I hope you got my facebook message about running.
You probably couldn't understand anything because my friend was typing and she was rushing me ("Erin let me check mine! I have to see what Bryan had to say about my reply to HIS reply!)

I can't wait till beach week.
You Rock.

-erin fishelby

Posted by: erinfishelby at June 7, 2009 3:43 PM