June 2, 2009

A Word from Judgey McFailerson

I am full of EPIC FAIL over here. Also full of stitches. Also full of delicious Lortab. Remember that little THING IN MY MOUTH ? and the oral surgeon who scared me to death by LOOMING at me and telling me he wanted to give me some gas and hack it out but that I was probably going to end up with a speech impediment?

Three weeks ago I went to see a different oral surgeon, one who did not seem like he wanted to yank out half my mouth with a hacksaw, one who showed me a diagram of the tongue and explained why a 4th grader could remove the hemangy-whatnot and not hit a nerve, considering where the nerves are and where the hemagy-whatnot had decided to live. One who talked to me like a PERSON. One who said I clearly needed to be PUT TO SLEEP with an IV full of drugs.

I have needs-gas-to get-a-cleaning level dentophobia, so when I say I FORGOT I had scheduled that procedure for this week, you understand that “forgot” is a euphemism for “psychologically blocked from my conciousess due to extreme terror.” So yesterday I put up my blog post, went to grab some fresh cherries, and Scott said, “Babe, you can’t eat this morning. You are having anesthesia…”

FAIL ONE: I have so many stitches in my mouth it feels like a mean caterpillar with fuzz on top and razor-feet has moved onto tongue and is dancing in place there. It hurts to EAT things, so how can I START every meal with VEGGIES when I can’t eat anything? I am living on protein shakes, frozen juice pops, and cold corn bisque, two of which are fruity-veggish, so. Best I can do.

FAIL TWO: I am on RIGHTEOUS pain pills (so forgive the extra lortabbed typos I am sure to have in here), and cannot DRIVE to boot camp, and also I am SO sleepy and floppy from the Lortab that I think my exercising would consist of drifting about and giggling and trying to hop and falling over.

FAIL THREE: Scott is leaving town for close to two weeks day after tomorrow, so my reward pick was DUMB. He read my blog, saw the planned reward and gently reminded me that in my marriage vows I had SWORN to never to see Sam Raimi films without him. I think I picked that vow out in lieu of that thing about “obey.” SO I doped up on pain meds and went with him.

Anyway, the doc said I should be off the pain meds by Wednesday, so will THEN try to eat SOFT fruits and veggies first, and get to the remaining Boot Camps. I consider “had surgery” to be a valid excuse, and if I make my goals Wednesday– Sunday, I will reward myself with a small goody. I think a new shade of toe polish and a child free hour to read-a-good-book while soaking my feet and then giving myself a nice ready for sandals pedi.

SO – Drag Me To Hell was good, hazy fun, if you like that sort of thing and are on Lortab. Scott was nto onLortab and he liked it a lot, too. But now I have to borrow a phrase from MOM101 and be THE SANCTIMOMMY

Dear three separate parents in the theatre last night,

What possessed you to bring LITTLE LITTLE INNOCENT children to a movie called DRAG ME TO HELL? No one in a movie called DRAG ME TO HELL will learn a valuable lesson about sharing. No one will make a new friend, or learn to respect each other’s differences, or give a helpful shoe tying demonstration. You should assume, given the title, that it is more likely that demons will come and graphically pluck out people’s eyeballs. If kittens come on screen, they areMUCH more likely to be murdered than to sing songs that help you memorize the planets in our solar system.

Why yes, I AM judging you. That was INSANE. Please go take a class that focuses on the meaning of the words “age appropriate content.”

Judgmentally yours,

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats

Two of these kids looked like second graders, and one… if he was going into second grade, he will by the tallest kid in his class. He looked 6. Tops.

And I AM NOT PERFECT. And I am also not a SLAVE to ratings. I probably would have taken Sam at 7 or 8 to Star Trek, no problem. I saw 7 or 8 year olds in that film, and did not blink. But that was ONE end fo the PG-13 spectrum. There was some naughty banter, a good photon torpedoing or two, short skirts, bare green-skinned slinky midriffs, and yeah, okay, some genocide, but the distant “ALAS! You blew up my planet!” sort, not like Schindler’s List.

If Maisy was a different KIND of child, I would have taken her, but Maisy gets VERY involved. She was genuinely terrified in two scenes of UP. Not oh-gasp-dramatic-fake-scared, but like, trying to crawl into my body cavity and whimpering.
During one scene, I had to lean down and whisper comfort.

Me: The little boy does not get eaten by dogs at this time.
Me: It is a G rated movie. He will NEVER be eaten by dogs.
Me: *lying* I went and read spoilers online to be SURE! He will not be eaten by dogs, and then later the good guys win.

She relaxed. And guess what? The little boy did not get eaten by dogs and then the good guys won. SORRY TO RUIN UP FOR YOU.

Drag Me To Hell is different, in my SUPER RIGHTEOUS OPINION. Drag Me To Hell is CHOCK fulla GRAPHIC EYEBALL PLUCKING and bodily effluvia and vomiting maggots and… it’s NOT okay to take little kids to it. It kinda messed with my enjoyment of the film, to be honest, watching this genuinely gross-out graphic spoooooky stuff and thinking about it entering the innocent brains of kids more specced for Fairly Oddparents. What do you think? Should I have SAID something? Talked to a manager? Or sat silently in judgment as I did? What would you have done?

Posted by joshilyn at June 2, 2009 9:44 AM

SURGERY should totally excuse you from any goal hitting. Surgery should allow you to hole up in your bed except for those times when you must be the Mom.

I had a similar experience at "Watchmen" - horrified by the number of very small children in attendance with their parents. The movie was full of things disturbing to me, a cynical, jaded 43-year-old ADULT. Perhaps these parents should have been stopped by the ticket seller, or ticket taker? (Years ago when my sister and I went to see "Kill Bill," the ticket seller person, before selling us tickets, said, "are you SURE you want to see this movie? You do know what it's about, right?" and we were actual adults) I did not say anything to the parents at "Watchmen," but I did silently think: did you not read ANY of the reviews or see even one preview before selecting this movie? It's a tough call.

Posted by: JennyG at June 2, 2009 10:23 AM

I don't think the theater managers would care...it's all about the cha-ching, and they probably figure (rightfully so) it's the parents' job to shield their kids from eyeball-plucking horrors. I am continually horrified by the movies I see people take little kids to...

I also have to have nitrous even to get a cleaning at the dentist, and people make fun of me for this, so it's good to know I'm not alone (though I wouldn't wish it on anyone).

Bought "The Girl Who Stopped Swimming" at Costco yesterday. I was so glad they had it! I'm looking forward to reading it. :)

Posted by: SaltedWithShadows at June 2, 2009 10:41 AM

I appreciate The Princess Bride reference -- She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time. :)

I know Jurassic Park isn't Drag Me To Hell, but when my sister Laura and I went to see JP she was next to a LITTLE kid who was absolutely terrified. What she did, since she was right next to him, was just talk to him about how, yes, it was scary but the kids would be okay and it was only a movie. His father (next to him on the other side) did NOTHING and will surely be dragged to hell by a wonky-eyed gypsy. I hope.

Posted by: Aimee at June 2, 2009 10:44 AM

Oh! and surgery is definitely a valid excuse. I am happy to report that I lost 2 pounds last week. *preen*

Posted by: Aimee at June 2, 2009 10:45 AM

You're right about the cha-ching, SWS...and it is totally the parent's responsibility.

(and just to clarify the end of my earlier comment... the tough call is should you say anything to parents at a movie. The easy call is just don't take your children to disturbing movies!)

Posted by: JennyG at June 2, 2009 10:47 AM

I was just having an urge for smoothies the other day, and while looking through recipes I found some that suggested adding a bunch of fresh spinach leaves to your smoothie. They turn it green, but the smoothie should still taste nice and fruity and you get your healthy veg for the day.

I've also in the past made smoothies with Odwalla Superfood, which tastes fruity but has a bunch of scary green things in it like wheatgrass that I'd never eat on their own, but which I don't mind when they taste lovely and sweet.

Btw, when I saw Drag Me To Hell this weekend, there was a lady in our theater who was one of those types who has to include everyone in her ongoing commentary. Whenever things started going badly (which was constantly) she'd pipe up with, "Oh, she shouldn't be doin that" or something. Fortunately, it all seemed to be too much for her and she left halfway through.

Posted by: Jessica at June 2, 2009 10:56 AM

People are unbelieveably stupid. My 8-year-old has a classmate who told me his favorite movie was "Saw." A couple of carefully worded questions confirmed that he had, in fact, seen the movie. I considered calling DFACS, but settled for NEVER allowing my child near his home...since his parents are clearly MORONS.

Enjoy the drugs, Tulip.

Posted by: Amy-Go at June 2, 2009 11:36 AM

I think sitting in silent, righteous disapproval is about right. I, too, am blown away by the stuff people will take their kids to see.

Posted by: TrudyJ at June 2, 2009 12:10 PM

It amazes and horrifies me what some parents will let their children listen to/watch. Just ridiculous!

Posted by: Heather at June 2, 2009 12:13 PM

Oh man, we heard you had surgery but didn't know it was to the magnitude of wisdom teeth like. I hope you feel better soon and I hope Scott magically doesn't go anywhere for 2 wks....accidentally got locked in the closet for a few days maybe? *hugs and well wishes your way* Hope to see you online.

Posted by: Lia at June 2, 2009 12:29 PM

For my last birthday, I bought myself a mouthful of braces (stupidest present ever. Better be worth it...) and just got them installed about 6 weeks ago. Sharp metal bits everywhere shred my tongue and cheeks even as I sleep. So I totally sympathize with you having stitches, dear. BUT, I am losing weight because I can only eat soft food or minced food, and have to brush, brush, brush, floss, and brush every fricking time I eat something -- it really makes one think 7, 8, 9 times before indulging in any food at all. Just too much work.

Did they give you that nuclear-powered antibacterial mouthwash? It's scary how fast your mouth will heal when it's sterile in there...but in my experience, it doesn't cure potty mouth. Dammit.

Oh, and I just dragged myself to that Hell trailer and will now have nightmares for the next 6 years. Taking a child to see that MUST be cause for CPS to step in. I kept waiting for you to say that the parents had to deal with hysterical children and remove them from the theatre. Conflict-phobe that I am, though, I'd not say anything (except in my head, and later to my friends).
But my new motto is "Don't mess with a wonky-eyed witch!"

Posted by: Lulu at June 2, 2009 12:38 PM

On the bright side, not being able to eat solid food for a week will really give you a head start on your goal of TMICWAND-7.

Just sayin' ;-)

Posted by: Cathy at June 2, 2009 12:56 PM

those parents should be dragged to hell.....

Posted by: dramamama at June 2, 2009 1:14 PM

Speaking as one whose kids worked in a movie theater and whose friend's kid became a manager, there is not one thing the poor manager can do. (And what ka-ching? Are we under the impression the beleagered manager gets a percentage?) Parents would come and pay to send their children into horrible shows which required parental permission. If the parents are actually sitting there, the manager's hands are tied, poor soul.

Posted by: rams at June 2, 2009 1:31 PM

Didn't you mean "The small mailman does not get eaten by dogs at this time."?
I loved "Up". Hope you're feeling much better soon.

Posted by: Melinda at June 2, 2009 1:36 PM

Those parents sound selfish. Probably couldn't find a babysitter. On the other hand, maybe they just don't have a clue or don't care. Theatre management only cares about the almighty dollar (or ten!). So sorry about the sore mouth! But as others said, you'll just be reaching different goals, like less poundage. Glad it's done and over with anyway.

Posted by: Kathy at June 2, 2009 1:44 PM

Oh, Poor You! I hope that you feel better VERY soon. I think going to Boot Camp would probably be non-healing, in this case, but am interested in the "add spinach to your smoothie" possibility. I'm glad that you're modifying your goal to suit your real circumstances - that sounds as if it's in the spirit of the program.

Interesting that you think of giving yourself a pedicure as a reward. To me, that's work. Having someone else give me a pedicure is a treat!

Day 2: I exercised again this morning, so I am not sure (although I suspect, from the muscle groups involved) which day's efforts are responsible for my pain. Weird, because I have done all of these exercises in the past, and never had this kind of response from starting up: I suspect that it is due to living in a virtually topography-free region of SW Ohio. It seems unlikely that the difference between an office on 3rd Floor and 4th Floor is enough to make my quads that much frailer.

Crazy people, taking small children to scary movies...

Posted by: Diane (TT) at June 2, 2009 1:47 PM

Yikes Joss, feel better soon!

As to the Drag Me to Hell problem, here in Ireland it's illegal to let anyone underage into a movie, even if they're accompanied by an adult, if it has a sold age-restricted rating (We have things like 15/15A, the latter being where parents can bring their kids in to it). A complaint to the manager kinda works here, especially if you threaten to shop them for it. I have seen parents arguing with sales staff and being told that the cinema doesn't make the rules. Mind you, I type this as a person who grew up in rural Ireland where I went to the local cinema every weekend (it only opened on weekends), and they happily let me in to see Aliens when I was 13, not the 18 it was rated here. It was my "good customer" bonus ; ) And I loved the movie.

On age-appropriateness, a friend of mine rang in a panic as the boys she minds (6 and 8) were playing Bioshock and the parents didn't seem to think it was an issue. Urrrr : ( Silly parents.

Posted by: Rompompom at June 2, 2009 1:50 PM

The main part -- the REWARD part, is soaking my feet for an hour and reading. I LOVE that part. :) The pumicing and painting is work---- But then I will have a new color of polish and that makes me happy.

Posted by: Joshilyn at June 2, 2009 1:50 PM

There are parents, and then there are child-handlers. Obviously you encountered the latter.

As for the manager business? They CAN'T do anything. As long as there is a "parent or legal guardian" with the child, it's hands off. Too bad people don't have other people to take care of children when they go out to a movie like that.

And yes, I am officially finished with the archives and commenting on the present-day entries now. You may be impressed at will. :)

Posted by: Chris at June 2, 2009 2:02 PM

And please do feel better soon!

Posted by: Chris at June 2, 2009 2:04 PM

green shake!


blend it with a bananna and skim milk and it will change the quality of your life.

i was in a video store once many, many years ago and listened as a 6 or 7 year old explained how I Spit On Your Grave was her favorite movie ever. then her mother chimed in with the fact that they'd seen it at least 20 times. and yes, they were grubby white trash gals but i remember thinking that if that little girl got to be 12 and dimemboweled her mother because she thought it would be fun (just like in the movies) being encouraged to be that desensitized to rape and gore should serve as grounds for dismissal of the charges. decades of therapy yes. jail . . . only for her mama if she survived.

then again i become less slightly misanthropic the older i get.

Posted by: debra at June 2, 2009 2:06 PM

I don't know how I did it, but I posted today's comment on yesterday's blog. Just another hidden talent. What I said was Smoothie (yoghurt, fresh fruit, ice, blender, Yummmmm). And lots of sympathy.

Posted by: Sandra Leigh at June 2, 2009 3:59 PM

Silently judge them. If they were redneck enough to bring them into the theater, they were redneck enough to smack you in the mouth for getting them into trouble...and THEN where would you be? Besides on Vicodin....

Posted by: CityGirl at June 2, 2009 4:14 PM

Silent judgment accompanied by fantasies of the verbal wrath you would like to dump on them. It's all you can do.

I was in a video store and a boy - maybe 10 years old - was begging his mom to rent an Andrew Dice Clay video. Not a movie - the actual stand up routine. I sidled over to her and quietly explained what the guy was all about. I figured she probably didn't want her 10 year old son to grow up to be a misogynistic, foul mouthed slob. She thanked me profusely... then rented the video.

Now, language and sex don't bother me as much as violence when it comes to what kids are allowed to see. Ideas and beliefs are a different story.

Posted by: Sandi at June 2, 2009 7:41 PM

Your little kitteh up there looks she had a Lortab or three.

It would be justice if those kid were scared enough to sleep with their parents for a month, stealing the covers, and kicking daddy in the ribs after that but the truth is that they probably watch that kind of thing at home too.

Posted by: Debra at June 2, 2009 7:48 PM

Feel better soon, Peach! Dental work!!! *massive shudder* But good drugs, yay!

I took my son, when he was 7 or 8, to see "The Lost Boys", but -- and this is a strenuous "BUT" here -- he'd grown up in theatre (made his stage debut at 2), and we talked about the difference between stories and real life, with an emphasis on special effects. And if it got to be too much, all he had to do was tug my arm twice, and we'd were outta there.

Afterward, his one question was how they made those funky feet that clung to the top of the cave.

But "The Lost Boys" is nowhere near the grue of "Drag Me To Hell"! And you did all that you could do; if the parents are there, nothing can be done.

Posted by: Fran at June 2, 2009 10:23 PM

Oh, Joss, you do what you can do and don't worry about the rest. Your fail is ever so much more justifiable than mine was yesterday. And on we march. Or shuffle or crawl, if we must.

On a related note, I really like your suggestion of a reset for a BRAND SPANKING NEW seven days so I can get my CD if I make it through next Monday without another big fail like yesterday. Like it very much, indeed. My husband came up with a suggestion that included very detailed tiers of rewards of varying degrees of desirability, but that's too much work for me. Yours is better. :)

Posted by: thisgirlremembers at June 2, 2009 10:44 PM

My daughter cried HUGE TEARS tonight after her "end of 5th grade party" because they played rap music the WHOLE ENTIRE STINKIN' TIME and I, not even remotely considering that fact that a luau themed party for 10-11 yr. olds would have a real, live DJ much less Dr. Dre, did not even think to go and check on her as I was across the football field at my own school entering grades in my gradebook while the custodian vacuumed. What the heck happened to the Beach Boys and "Wipeout?"
Obviously if my child is crying because she's not supposed to listen to rap music (which we've NEVER told her. . .we just don't listen to rap music in front of her. . .or NOT in front of her) then I am in the holier-than-thou camp.

Of course, I'm a public school teacher, so your report on small children sitting through a very dark, dark, DARK movie saddens but does not shock me. It's kind of like when my daughter's 5th grade friend said her favorite series was "Twilight."

*Blink* I have a problem with LOTS of things.

You being on drugs, however, is not one of them. :)

Posted by: Roxanne at June 2, 2009 11:29 PM

I am solidly in the Silent Judging Camp if for no other reason than for your own personal safety. People are just bat crap crazy these days and you can't ever tell what's going to push a nutjob into violence. I feel sorry for the little urchins but if their parents are ridiculously dumb enough to take their children to DRAG ME TO HELL the poor little things probably have worse to deal with than inappropriate movie selection. Poor kidlets.

My sympathies for the mouth ouchies. I too am TERRIFIED of the dentist, so much so that the oral surgeon usually just knocks me out as soon as my butt settles into the chair. Trust me, that way is far less stressful for EVERYONE involved.

Feel better soon!

Posted by: wickedmess at June 2, 2009 11:41 PM

Eeek! I am not old enough for Drag Me To Hell (in my opinion...especially if it involves zombies or anything remotely resembling zombies). I could never justify taking my small children to something I'm too terrified to see! Unfortunately, I've seen similar things too often, like the 6 year old boy in front of us when we say Watchmen.

My sympathies on your oral surgery. The world is a better place when everyone leaves my mouth alone.

And, so far, 30 minutes on the eliptical each day this week! I posted some goals last night, but I was fairly weary, and trying to do other stuff at the same time, so I may have to get back in gear and post my goals (long term, short term, real and for actual awake goals) on my blog here in the next day or so.

Posted by: Jessica at June 3, 2009 12:42 AM

Fruit smoothie: 1/2 cup frozen blueberries, 1/2 cup pomegranate juice, 3/4 cup vanilla yogurt, 1/2 naval orange, peeled and sectioned.
Blend in blender on high for one minute.

Can also be done with orange juice instead of pom, strawberries instead of blueberries, and a banana instead of the orange. I use organic yogurt that's had Omega-3s added, so it's heart healthy. Don't know if Kroger has that.

Be well, and cut yourself some slack. As we age, it gets harder and harder to hold onto our goals, and more important to enjoy the little victories. Yay! Got icky mouth thing out, you know?

Posted by: Eleanor at June 3, 2009 7:41 AM

Sorry you are hurting but so glad you got that thing out of your mouth. Have they figured out what it is yet? Feel better soon.

You totally get a pass on your goals for the week. Your Drag Me to Hell experience reminds me of when we went to see Titanic and some moron had their very young child there - young enough to be carried out when all the people were (SPOILER ALERT!) in the water drowning and trapped in the boat drowning and all of them freezing to death, but NOT quite young enough for it to go over her head. Thus, being carried out, sobbing, by Daddy during the last 15 minutes of the movie.


But, as my darling husband and previous posters pointed out, since it is only PG-13 and not R (and why not?) the movie theater staff can do nothing about it. Nothing to do with money, just legal stuff and, of course, the ongoing deterioration of what we think is perfectly acceptable for 13 year olds to view. ICK. You couldn't pay me to see that movie - I don't do horror.

Hope you are on the mend soon.

Posted by: Jen at June 3, 2009 9:21 AM

LOL, you are the one blogger I have NEVER seen make typos, must be good drugs!

I have never in my life wanted to see a movie so badly that I would take my kids to see something not age appropriate. (read: didn't seen anything beyond PG for a loooong time) They can't wait six months for the DVD? Makes you wonder what other selfish choices some of these parents are making - and I do NOT consider myself to be a perfect parent by any means, but geez....

Posted by: Susanvl at June 3, 2009 2:13 PM

Some parents just don't realize how much violence and gore affect small children. As long as people pay to see horror movies that don't restrict young children from watching, the movie makers will continue to churn them out.

The cha-ching doesn't start with the theater manager or workers. It begins in Hollywood.

Posted by: Sonya at June 3, 2009 4:21 PM

Judgey McFailerson. Classic. Reminds me of Angus McSniffey, the nickname my husband gave our Basset Hound for his stubborn need to smell every bush in the neighborhood on his morning walks.

We saw Up last night on your recommendation - a theater full of age appropriate kids made it even more fun for us empty nesters. Probably will skip the Drag Me to Hell extravaganza...

Feel better

Posted by: Sharon Severns at June 3, 2009 4:40 PM

This is a total pet peeve of mine. Worst I ever saw were a couple of 4-5 year olds in the premier of Star Wars episode III--you know, the one where Anakin gets various limbs cut off while he burns in agony on the lava planet? Very wholesome, family-friendly material, I'm sure. Drag Me to Hell sounds even less appropriate. A shame the parents couldn't make a better choice, but I don't think there's anything you can do other than grind your teeth a bit and make loud tut-tut sounds as you walk past them leaving the theater!
P.S. My wife and I just finished several very nice evenings listening to the audiobook for Between, Georgia--what a terrific job on the reading, and loved the story/characters. Thanks, we're on to the next one!

Posted by: Mike at June 4, 2009 6:33 AM

Years ago, I made the mistake of going to see "From Dusk Til Dawn". It was a Tarentino (sp?) movie, which slid right by me, as I am a freak for vampire flicks. The violence was sickening. At one point an inelegant, and therefore completely bogus, vampire played a guitar fashioned from a female leg shoved into a female (I assume the same one-they looked sort of matchy) torso. The language was abhorant.
There were several tiny kids in the theater with no parents. One ran out in terror, and when I followed, he went into another movie and found his mommy.
I called the theater when I got home. The manager asked me not to tell anyone that the kids were let into the movie.
I called the theater chain's home office and spilled the beans. This is a company which prides itself on its family-friendly atmosphere and Christian ethics. They were sorry, but if a parent buys a ticket for a toddler, what can they do? A rating is a suggestion.
I called the ratings board. They were very understanding, in the beginning. Towards the end of my rant, they were more, "Look, lady, we can't be responsible for what folks let their children see."
I so understand why kids are they way they are.

Posted by: Pepper Ellis Hagebak at June 7, 2009 11:37 AM