April 29, 2009

Potty Talk (or, Three Coversations about Toilets)


Toilet Man: Well, the problem here is you have old, bad toilets. You need all new ones. That will fix a lot of the issues you are having right there.

Me: We have to put the low-flows in, huh?

Toilet Man: Yes. A house this old, you have the big old 3.5 gallon flushers. But it isn’t like these big flushers are doing you much good.

Me: Not much good at all. But I hate low flow toilets. I like an AMOCO toilet, you know, the kind of toilet you used to find at gas stations. You could seriously flush a dead possum down an Amoco toilet from 1987.

Toilet Man: Why would you want to…flush…a…

Me: It doesn’t HAVE to be a possum. You could flush any old dead body. Even a person. Well. If they were in six pieces.

Toilet Man: ….

Me; Anyway, I’m just saying I don’t really care for low flow toilets.

Toilet Man: Get the American Standard ones. You can get a 50 buck rebate per toilet on them now from county because if the drought. And they are great toilets….you can flush a bucket full of golfballs down them.

Me: Flush a bucket full of…? Um. Okay. Why is that less weird than flushing a dead possum? I mean, the GOLF BALLS are USEFUL. My husband would KEEP a bucket of golfballs. NO ONE wants to keep a dead possum. If they could flush it away, they WOULD.*

Toilet Man: Um. OKAY! So, anyway, The low flows will do much better than these you have, and lower your water bill, and in this drought, it’s a good thing to do. Also, you know they aren’t like the old kind that you had to flush five times, these ones have a new system of *insert REALLY A LOT OF toilet jargon about joists and gravels and S tubes and gizzards and other toilet pieces I know nothing about. I tune most of this out because I do not understand it.*

Me: SO what you are saying is, the American Standard toilet is kinda like a PORTHOLE? And when it FLUSHES it’s like when Sigourney Weaver opened that hatch and blew the alien out into space?

Toilet Man: Yes! Yes! Just. Like. That.

Me: Sold.**

*Toilet man is correct and I am clearly in the wrong here. Apparently people DO want to flush golf balls. Go to YOU TUBE and type in “Toilet flushing golf balls,” and you will get a metric…toilet load of videos.
Topical results for “toilet flushing dead possum”?


Me: When does Toilet Man come?

Scott: You mean the plumber?

Me: Yes. When is Toilet Man coming to put in the new toilets?

Scott: He has a name you know. It is Kevin.

Me: Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to.

Scott; *in a resigned voice* Toilet Man comes Monday.


*Maisy crawls into my bed to cuddle this morning. Scott brings coffee. Because he is a saint.*

Me: So, Maisy Jane, how do you like the new toilets.

Maisy: They are SUPER!

Me: *darkly to Scott* Not twelve hundred dollars super. *louder* They ARE pretty cool Maisy. Did you know they are from SPACE?

Maisy: Mom. They are not. They are from MEXICO.

Me: Mexico?

Maisy: Mexico.

Me: Our AMERICAN Standard toilets were made in Mexico?

Maisy: It says so, Mom right on the toilet.

Me: AMERICAN Standard. Made in Mexico. Not Space.

Scott: Space, Mexico. To-may-to, To-MAH-to.

** THIS IS THE KIND WE GOT. The miso disturbs my wah more than the golf balls.

Posted by joshilyn at April 29, 2009 10:52 AM

You're right, Joshilyn. The miso is just a little too graphic. btw, I've never heard of water wigglers before. Do you put them on the ends of your fingers and then wiggle them around in the water? If not, what are they for?

What happened to Conversation III? Was it too racy for prime time?

Posted by: Sandra Leigh at April 29, 2009 11:08 AM

Oh, that's weird. Now there is a Conversation III. I must have been having one of my double vision episodes.

Posted by: Sandra Leigh at April 29, 2009 11:09 AM

I'm sorry. ButMexicoisinAmerica. So sorry. I feel so much better now.

Posted by: hollygee at April 29, 2009 12:18 PM

I'm not sure, but I think now I know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.

And just think what a modern-day illegal Canadian toilet could do, if these wimpy lo-flow jobs can do all that. /notsosubtlehint

Posted by: Ray at April 29, 2009 12:38 PM

My husband used to be a plumber. His name is Kevin. His new name is Toilet Man, until he threatens to flush me anyway.

Posted by: Michelle at April 29, 2009 1:19 PM

What's with the Musak? Is it supposed to make the miso more palatable? And why are there flushing championships? I think my world has been broadened in ways I never fathomed . . .

By the way, that video reminds me a bit of the "Will It Blend?" Youtube series. Those are fun. My favorite, I think, is the Rubik's cube. But he has golf balls, too.

Posted by: Mel at April 29, 2009 3:11 PM

This entire post is disturbing. But I'm glad you've got functioning toilets. That's a good thing.

Posted by: Jen at April 29, 2009 4:03 PM

What I find most disturbing is that the water in the toilet seems to jump up a bit when it is first flushed, as if there is a tiny backflow at the beginning to start the massive sucking action that can pull down all that ... miso.

Posted by: Diane at April 29, 2009 5:25 PM

Wow. Some people are very committed to flushing things down toilets, no? I do see your point about the possum though. Golf balls? Not so much.

We have a new low-flow toilet too, and I have to say it is quite a bit better than the old toilet, which was also low-flow but utterly useless. I don't know if it's from Mexico, but it seems likely as we are only about 20 miles from the border here.

Posted by: Aimee at April 29, 2009 6:03 PM

Holly got there first, but I am reiterating: Mexico is part of America. (And for the record, so are Belize, Cuba, Honduras, and the rest of those warm countries that are north of the Panama Canal. And Canada--not so warm, but still a big hunk of the continent.) Also, it wouldn't be so bad to have American Standard toilets made in England, because they are good with porcelain, or a china bowl made in China.

Posted by: JenK at April 29, 2009 6:50 PM

AKSHULLY, Mexico is part of North America. "America" alone is a common moniker for the U.S.A. Not to be a pedant, or anything.

Posted by: Jill at April 29, 2009 7:10 PM

What Jill said.
Also "Mexico is in The Americas" is correct.


Posted by: Joshilyn at April 29, 2009 7:21 PM

Is all that stuff supposed to be simulating poops? That is disturbing.

It just occured to me that Simulating Poops might be a good name for a band.

Posted by: Melisa at April 29, 2009 10:08 PM

Impressive video... the water wigglers were the best!

Posted by: Mary Jo at April 29, 2009 10:29 PM

I am very disturbed by the Miso.... I also wonder how many times Toilet Man will be comming back to YOUR house.

Posted by: Lia at April 30, 2009 2:46 AM

Better than all the American flags that are now "Made in China".

Maybe all the posessors of dead possums are saving them for the "roast opossum" recipe that I actually have in one of my cookbooks (NO, I have not tried it!). Bleh!

Posted by: Brigitte at April 30, 2009 5:29 AM

The miso was very disturbing. (Why don't they just come right out and say "Go ahead, eat whatever you want, this toilet can handle a doody!")

Posted by: jenn at April 30, 2009 8:06 AM

Miso: disturbing.
"Will it Blend?": Check out the iPhone.
Musak: Catchy, but the "Will it Blend?" theme song is better. :)

Posted by: JuliB at April 30, 2009 10:18 AM

There is some wierd stuff floating around somewhere!

Posted by: Jane at April 30, 2009 12:31 PM

That is a disturbing video. I'm glad my children are beyond the age of flushing things now!

Posted by: Tonya at April 30, 2009 2:37 PM

I am officially disturbed, and a teeny bit morose, having clicked thru the vid links and found one flushing plushies. Those poor, innocent stuffed animals did NOTHING to deserve such a horrible fate! Their eyes! OMG, their EYES!!!

Posted by: tuney at April 30, 2009 6:43 PM

I just tried to read this to my husband. It took fifteen minutes because I was laughing so hard.

Tears. TEARS! Running down my face.

Oh. Oh.

Must go find tissues. My sides hurt.

Aliens! Hatch!


Posted by: paige at April 30, 2009 8:39 PM

i feel for ya. we had to get a new potty when beach blanket barbie got an accidental flusheroo....

Posted by: dramamama at April 30, 2009 9:49 PM

Since when does 40 FEET of potty paper look like that????? Thanks to little hands one roll fills my bowl!!!!

Posted by: Linda J at May 2, 2009 11:54 AM

You are hilarious! I came by way of " A Bookworms World" and yes, I will say I was trying to win a copy of your book from over there (no shame, can you tell).

Either way, I haven't been so entertained by an episode with the Toilet Man since my home improvement disasters this past summer. Getting to see this side of you makes me want to read you that much more. (Hugs)Indigo

Posted by: Indigo at May 5, 2009 4:25 PM