April 26, 2009

Millionth Verse Same As The Other Verses (and all verses apparently come with butter)

Tomorrow I am going to Dallas to do SECRET THINGS (!!!) but I will tell you as soon as ever I am allowed to tell. I plan to tell you ENDLESSLY, in fact, and to be rabidly obsessed, and I hope that some of you will get all rabidly obsessed with me and do the secret things too. It is part of my ongoing and eternal plan to become a better person.

The plan is like an onion. Or a parfait. Or an OGRE. That is to say, it has LAYERS. I want to be better spiritually and mentally and physically. I do. I am trying VERY VERY HARD to make sure “be a better person” is not merely MENTALLY ILL CODE for "being thinner,” but, you know, some days, it is. Part of my plan to be better mentally and spiritually is to lessen those days and have more days wehn BEING KINDER or BEING HEALTHIER or BEING MORE WELL READ or BEING MORE FORGIVING AND LESS OF A BUTTHEAD is the most important part. I will need shoring up and co-better-personizers to whine with and who will remind me there are more important things-reasons-motivations for change than smallening one’s jean size, things like, oh world peace and not dying of a heart attack before one gets to meet one’s grandchildren.

I would be MORE excited, if only they were not going to weigh me in Dallas. ON A SCALE. Horrors. I do not even let my DOCTOR weigh me…I go in and tell the nurse what the One True Scale told me in lieu of getting on his scale. His scale is a known liar and felon and probably likes to sex up beetles. Yes. It is a beetle pervert, and I won’t deign to put my feet on it.

In general, I prefer to stand only on The One True Scale. The One True Scale lives in my bathroom and was quite costly and fancy and all the paperwork SWEARS it is blindingly, heartrendingly accurate and I stand on it every morning first thing, naked, and it says the One True Number. NOW in order to be a better person,. I am going to have to fly to Dallas (and everyone knows flying makes you retain water, beloveds!) and then stand FULLY CLOTHED and AFTER A LUNCHEON on a HERETIC scale who is probably just as profligate and deviant as the one at my Doctor’s office.

This is VERY wrong. But I am going to do it, because, between you and me, oh Best Beloveds, I have been EPIC FAILING at taking off the ten pounds I gained on book tour, and um, hello, THAT TOUR WAS WELL OVER A YEAR AGO. *gulp* Worse news, recently the numbers One True Scale have been edging upwards, WRONGFULLY, in spite of my fanatical exercise schedule. I blame the Peeps Cake, and I had a very serious talk with the rest of the peeps cake, and put some of it down my children and some of it down the trash, BUT EVEN SO, The numbers have, in fact, been high enough to have me considering liposuction.

I think I should have the liposuction on my BRAIN. The human brain weighs three pounds, so THAT;s a week and a half worth of dieting right THERE, AND with my pesky THINKING PARTS gone, I can continue to eat bacon and not NOTICE that my ‘fat jeans’ have become my REAL ACTUAL JEANS. Yes. My EMERGENCY FAT JEANS have retained emergency fat jeans job title and salary, even though they have CLEARLY been doing the job of my main real actual jeans for more than a year. I can tell because they are WEARING OUT. Worse news – they are beginning to feel juuuuuust a little tight…

SO, I am PLEASED about the secret doings in Dallas, except my flight leaves at 6 am. TO say I am not a morning person is…deadly accurate. VERY deadly and very very accurate. Getting up at 3 AM to head the the airport makes me want to perpetrate cannibalism. I wonder if people can be counted as a lean protein? Perhaps I should only eat marathon runners…

Posted by joshilyn at April 26, 2009 3:42 PM

While you're there, lose a few pounds for me, too!

Just finished Btw, GA - loved it!

Posted by: 5elementknitr at April 26, 2009 5:49 PM

"...probably likes to sex up beetles"?! "Beetle pervert"?!?!!

I would very much like to see inside your brain sometimes, but it sort of scares me other times.

I'm there with you on the "being a better person" being mixed up with "losing weight." I'm trying to figure out how much they really actually ARE tied together. Keeping my head together = being productive + exercising = not piggling* = weight loss.

*Piggle - a word coined by my cousin that means to indulge gratuitously in food that is generally not recognized as an acceptable food in and of itself. For example, sweetened condensed milk. On a spoon.

Posted by: Sandi at April 26, 2009 6:14 PM

I have it on good authority that eating marathon runners is analogous to eating a ship's hawser. That is to say, ropy and stringy and generally not yummy. Having equated being a "better person" with a ONE TRUE NUMBER for most of my life, I'd be glad to whine with you. I must tell you that I have been a very BAD person for at least 8 years now-meaning, of course, that the ONE TRUE NUMBER has eluded me at least that long. That I'm admitting to.

Posted by: Chrissie at April 26, 2009 7:55 PM

The ONE-TRUE-NUMBER appeared on our family scale when I was .... I dunno, 12 probably.

And I'm sure it was the correct ONE-TRUE-NUMBER for my future 18 y/o self.

Once - in college (of all places) I came within 10 pounds of the ONE-TRUE-NUMBER. But I scared it off. That is why I haven't developed a plan for world peace. *nodsnodsnods*

So I will whine with you too. And eat Peeps-cakes and all that other bad stuff for you. So you can be virtuous and godly. And I can be lazy.

My gift to you. No charge! :)

Posted by: Mit at April 26, 2009 9:09 PM

My scale is not exactly accurate,but in its defense, I must say that it is open to negotiation. I have gotten four different results by stepping on the scale four times in two minutes. I generally go with the (mean) average, but on bad days I've been known to accept the lowest score. Even that doesn't come close to the One True Number. Of course, I've long since forgotten what the One True Number is.

Posted by: Sandra Leigh at April 26, 2009 10:53 PM

I feel for you. Of course, as a means of self-torture, I still have my college jeans from over 20 years ago, and I now can't even get them past my calves. It is too late for me, but perhaps you can stem your fat-tide before it becomes too late for you!

If you want to perpetrate cannibalism on the way to the airport, you can combine it with becoming a better person by consuming the ones who make you angry. Surely removing them from the gene pool will make the world a better place!

Posted by: Brigitte at April 27, 2009 6:12 AM

Ooh, and Sandi, I thought I was the only one with the freaky fondness for sweetened condensed milk! ;-)

Posted by: Brigitte at April 27, 2009 6:12 AM

Being 10 lbs overweight does not make you a bad person. If overweight were to equal depth of badness I would be doing time in a jail with a cellmate named Miss Sadie. I believe you are a fun person, a fabulous mom, an insightful and engaging writer, and an asset to the human race regardless of what dimensions your physical being occupies.

Posted by: parrotzmom at April 27, 2009 8:22 AM

I have decided that all scales lie. So I don't care what they say. The waistband of my jeans, however, is a fanatical truth-telling goody-two-shoes who takes great pleasure in making me cry. So to avoid it I'm thinking of wearing nothing but MuMuu's all summer...

WHAT? It makes perfect sense to me.

Posted by: Amy-Go at April 27, 2009 9:55 AM

Is there thin to be had in Dallas? Because if so, get me on a plane, y'all!

Posted by: Em at April 27, 2009 2:00 PM

Also, I have a scary, ugly feeling that your fat jeans have the same number in the back of them as my goal jeans do.

Posted by: Em at April 27, 2009 2:03 PM

I can't wait to find out what you are doing in Dallas, because here I am in Fort Worth and I wouldn't have to fly there to lose wei--I mean, be a better person.

Posted by: Alison at April 27, 2009 3:03 PM

I am getting to be a better person via braces on my teeth. (I waited 50 years for this??) Living on soup is making me less of a bigbutt by 1.5 pounds so far in less than a week. I'm hoping this continues. Then again, I'm already sick of soup...

And don't bother with the marathon runners. I've heard they're tough. And give you the runs. (er, sorry.)

Posted by: Lulu at April 27, 2009 3:39 PM

Lulu - the runs....hilarious.

I guess you'd have to catch the runner in order to eat him/her. Eek. That's like, like...

Posted by: Teri at April 29, 2009 3:04 PM