April 21, 2009

I am Sad

If I were a book of the Bible, I would be Lamentations.

If I were a movie, I’d be Terms of Endearment.

If I were a flower, I would be a sun-blistered Daisy, pre-picked and pre-wilted.

This morning, I came down and plopped into my office chair and ground around trying to get comfy and write this, and I began to feel dampish and oddly SLITHE-y, and I looked down and saw the chair had been just CHOCK FULL of cat puke to begin with, and I was pretty much LOLLING and rolling about, festooning myself with it. It is an indicator of how my life is going in general to tell you that I didn’t even get UPSET. I just gagged and looked plaintively at Scott and said. “I am sitting in puke. This is not a metaphor.”

If I were your breakfast I’d be the kind of shredded wheat with no icing, and you’d be out of milk.

If I were a color I would be that grey-sludge-green that you see in the foam that collects around the edges of creeks near chemical dumps.

If I were a fictional character, I would be Eyeore.

My pastor’s last day was Sunday, and while the pastor is NOT the church, and I dearly LOVE my church and I have not lost my church…I miss him. We are relatively new to this church, but it has quickly become the center of our day to day lives, and I HATE change, and this pastor had a clear and beautiful vision, an articulate and inspiring way of expressing it, and an enormous heart. He was also slowly becoming my friend, and I don’t MAKE friends easily.

If I were a tree, I might not be a WEEPING Willow, but I’d at least be a sniffling one.

If I were a book, I’d be by Nicholas Sparks

If I were a dessert, I’d be the kind of Tapioca Pudding cup that doesn’t need to be refrigerated and whose three main ingredients are petroleum by-products, troll snot, and lumps.

In the last five months, here is a partial list of things that died:

Scott’s computer.

My van.

Scott’s SUV.

MY computer (this very weekend, the hard drive melted into slag)

That Cross Dressing Poet Tennyson, the second to last of my dear little old mice ladies.

Alice, the very last of the mice ladies.

I always budget plan for one major disastrous appliance/household fixture melt down per year. So we had no worries replacing Scott’s computer. Then, we’d planned to replace the van next year ANYWAY, and we got a good deal, so it was a little early and made things a little tight, but nt stressful. But after that, the only things from that list we could easily afford to replace would be Tennyson and Alice. Tennyson is irreplaceable and Alice was a BITER. So.

Still ---we have to have computers as we both work about half the time from home, and we have to have to be able to leave our HOUSE to work the other half of the time and get the kids to school, so Scott I have redone our budget extensively to make room for this SLEW of necessary purchases. Like most of America, we had ALREADY scaled back on, gee, everything, so now we are re-scaling some MORE back. In other words, we have made slightly optimistic plans to go out to eat again in February of 2012, but as of this morning, something seems to be VERY VERY wrong with our plumbing, so that highly anticipated restaurant meal may have to rescheduled.

This is good news for the country, however, because what with the cars and the comps and the possible PIPES now, I am stimulating the LIVING HAIRY HELL out of the economy. In fact, if I was an illegal substance, I would be cocaine, and the economy would be snorting me. HECK, if my plumbing is half as borked as it seems, the recession could well be over by this afternoon.

Dear America,

You are welcome.



If I were art, I’d be one of those impossibly big eyed kittens with a tear on its cheek that people painted relentlessly onto black velvet in the 70’s.

If I were a note, I’d B flat.

Please. Remit. Candy.

Posted by joshilyn at April 21, 2009 8:26 AM

Sounds like you're having a doozy of a day!! I hope it improves soon.

Posted by: Heather at April 21, 2009 8:56 AM

let me find some chocolate for you.
I thought I had it bad when last week my tv and laptop died on the same day - which happened to be my birthday. I'm doing all I can with my own stimulus plan. the economy should be doing really well very soon.

Posted by: elizabeth at April 21, 2009 9:12 AM

Yep, we're pitching in with you in many of the areas; a Saturn for the hubby (lucky duck), a new laptop for me last year, and insurance deductibles that have now been multiplied by 10 -- per person. 5 persons to be exact. But, we still have insurance, so whatever.
I decided NOT to replace the microwave out of sutbborness. I don't believe having to replace an appliance every two years is really in my call to duty. So I now have a hood.
Hang in there. I just bought an overdue tube of laxitone this weekend, and judging from the amount of catfood consumed over the last two days, I should be sharing in your hairball glory. But thanks to you, I'll check before I sit down. You've done a good deed today. :)

Posted by: JuliB at April 21, 2009 9:20 AM

I'm sorry you're going through all that but love the way you write about it!

May your new pastor be at least as cool as the one leaving and your plumbing not terribly expensive to fix.

RIP Tennyson and Alice

Posted by: Paige at April 21, 2009 9:21 AM

I hope your day gets better. Here, have a Snickers Bar. (you aren't allergic to peanuts, are you?)

Posted by: Anna Marie at April 21, 2009 9:32 AM

Does it help to hear that yet one more person is reading 'gods in Alabama' and loving it?

Posted by: Sandra Leigh at April 21, 2009 9:43 AM

Speaking of things to cheer you up, I finally read Between, Georgia last week. LOVED IT!!

Here's hoping that a semi truck carrying Skittles overturns on your street today.

Posted by: Tammy at April 21, 2009 9:50 AM

The sniffling willow and That Crossdressing Poet Tennyson cracked me up! Here's hoping you open your door to Willard Scott with a whomping big check today. Or something. Hang in there.

Posted by: kmkat at April 21, 2009 10:00 AM

Can't send candy. Too busy laughing at the music joke.

Posted by: Marla at April 21, 2009 10:17 AM

I was also sad, until I read your post! You slay me.

P.S. Did you sing God Be With You til We Meet Again at the Sunday service? Kills me (figuratively) everytime one of our pastors leaves--even the dull ones.

P.P.S. When you have to make a new friend, I am BEGGING you to tie it in with the time you used the Ariel gesture to court the cool theater students. Laughing just remembering that story!

Posted by: Lesley at April 21, 2009 10:31 AM

You sound like the weather we're having ... decidedly un-spring-like. Cold, freezing rain, maybe some snow but it won't be pretty.

This calls for chocolate wine. For breakfast.

Posted by: Patti at April 21, 2009 10:35 AM

Ah, sounds sooo familiar. Perhaps you "accidently" deleted one of those chain "send it on or 40 years bad luck" emails as I did. I truly-uly don't believe all that schmuck, but...now I begin to wonder. Heh. I just thank God that I am alive and kicking each wonderful day He gives us. Things WILL get better.

Posted by: Kathy at April 21, 2009 10:48 AM

Holy shit, lady, we're having the same year. I AM SORRY. I won't depress myself or you by typing my litany of woe here, but I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

The saddest sentence in this entire post is "If I were a book, I'd be by Nicholas Sparks." Good lord. Although I guess that's better than being a Danielle Steele.

Posted by: Aimee at April 21, 2009 10:49 AM

Oh, and here:


have some of this. it might help.

Posted by: Aimee at April 21, 2009 10:52 AM

Sorry to hear you've been feeling so sad. :( Didn't realize how much was going on or going wrong. Things will pick up. Someday you're going to find a winning lotto ticket or a long thought lost treasure. *hugs and <3s*

Posted by: Lia at April 21, 2009 11:34 AM

Bless your heart, which I hope doesn't sound insulting as I truly mean it!

I hope someone gets you some dark chocolate and shiraz, stat.

Posted by: Keetha at April 21, 2009 11:40 AM

I am buying a copy of your book for my mom for Mother's Day. Hope the royalty check hits in time!

Posted by: Jo at April 21, 2009 1:02 PM

Aww. Sorry to hear your woes, Joss. I am planning on buying my sister all three of your books in trade PB once Girl is released if it's any consolation, and I'm already looking forward to Backseat Saints.

Posted by: Jess at April 21, 2009 1:14 PM

Oh -- yes of course it does.

You are beautiful people with blazing golden souls.

I can see them glowing from HERE.

Posted by: Joshilyn at April 21, 2009 1:19 PM

I think there's something in the air this week. On the cusp of spring and everyone is sad, so sad. I have a crankypants teething baby on my hands today, and I am also sad.

Posted by: Lindsey at April 21, 2009 1:20 PM

Oh. My. I'm in pain from trying to hold back tears of laughter, I mean SYMPATHY, I do, I mean sympathy. I wore fancy black pants to work today and fully expect to drop something like a bagel with cream cheese face down in my lap. But that would not be so horrible as your seat.
Condolences on all of it, honey. Really. I mean it.

Posted by: Lulu at April 21, 2009 1:33 PM

I think it's a government conspiracy to stimulate the economy.

In February we lost our coffeepot, my laptop, and my sewing machine (see my blog name for why this is a CRISIS!) PLUS we all got sick and required multiple office visits and very expensive prescription medications. Not nearly as expensive as your stuff, but still highly suspect. Don't you agree?

I'm looking for the black helicopters.

P.S. (((So sorry about the meece.)))

Posted by: Jen at April 21, 2009 2:07 PM

Bless your heart! And I can relate!! Can I borrow all your "if I were's"? They fit this week! :) Glad I decided to try to go read through blogs or I might have missed this post!

Hope life turns~ and thanks for the boost to the economy!!


Posted by: lailani at April 21, 2009 2:32 PM

I am sending the darkest of dark chocolates, and stroking your hair as I type.

Posted by: Roxanne at April 21, 2009 4:30 PM

You need a piece of the chocolate cake I made last night that only has butter, sugar, chocolate, eggs, and one tablespoon of flour in it...so sorry, they ate all of it at work today or I'd send you a piece.

You're over your limit of three bad things happening so things should get brighter for you soon. I didn't mean to laugh while I read but you ARE funny!

If you're feeling really sorry for yourself just go here and look at some of the wishes and you'll feel better: http://www.wishuponahero.com/

Posted by: Jill Cooper at April 21, 2009 5:19 PM

I'm right there with you, Jos. I have a stomach bug and it will. not. go. away. Urgh.

Posted by: Andrea at April 21, 2009 5:35 PM

Oh Sister. I hope you feel better soon...

Know that even in your sadness, you still make us laugh and that's gotta count for something.

Posted by: 5elementknitr at April 21, 2009 5:42 PM

If it helps to make you feel any better, I once sat in cat urine when I didn't realize that my cat had peed on my new futon until it was too late. Sorry.

Posted by: Trace at April 21, 2009 6:59 PM

o thank you!and i say that very heart felt.i needed your day to make me get over myself.i am sooo happy my son asked what the name of the fish that cleaned hippos bums were-thats how i found faster than kudzu.but i never did get the name of that fish?

Posted by: traci at April 21, 2009 10:33 PM

Oh babe, I'm so sorry! Hugs and Handiwipes to ya!

Posted by: inkgrrl at April 21, 2009 10:54 PM

Coming off some moments just like this I must say, melancholy is a great writing tool. And the financial challenges are just that. Challenges.

I love your words here, Joss... like a children's book for depressed toddlers.

If I was a balloon, I'd be the fake mylar kind you get at the dollar store that slowly deflate on the drive home emitting a plastic-y smell with a hint of curry.

Posted by: linda sands at April 22, 2009 5:46 AM

In my mind, I am also sending you the best chocolate, candy and wine. But since it's in my mind, I can make it magically the no-calorie kind.

Also new pants and a new chair! :-P

Posted by: Brigitte at April 22, 2009 7:05 AM

Appliances are inanimate objects, yet I am beginning to suspect some sort of suicide pact worked into their systems. They NEVER die alone.

Posted by: Michelle at April 22, 2009 8:29 AM

We have some quite fine and fancy (and also some very weird) chocolate here in Germany, and I would be happy to send you some if I knew where to send it. But I'm not sure if you give your mailing address out to strange Germans. If it helps, I'm only German by marriage. And I'm only strange because I've lived in Germany for so long.

Posted by: alala at April 22, 2009 9:34 AM

Saying a prayer that your tears will be 'rainbows for your soul' and you will be fresh as a daisy today.

Posted by: Judy Black at April 22, 2009 9:59 AM

Even sitting in cat puke -- J.J. is my all-time favorite writer/blogger. I should feel bad from so much laughter and smiling at your worst days. On behalf of America, thanks for doing your part to curb the recession. And thanks for all of your lovely, lovely words. Books. Blog. All of them. You are a delight to read.

Posted by: Tracy at April 22, 2009 12:32 PM

Yikes! sorry.

Posted by: pam at April 22, 2009 1:20 PM

I feel your pain. In a week, my fibromyalgia had an outbreak, my thesis advisor hated my presentation, my computer decided to become borderline suicidal, and I am starting to question my entire life. Am currently pouting and missing my cat, who I'm sure would have loved my graduate seminar presentation. I am thinking of becoming one of those drunken grad students I know so many of. And taking up smoking - I am already in the minority as far as non-smoking humanities students goes.

Anyway, your entry cheered me up, even if it was about sadness. I found the sitting in cat puke part hilarious. I've stepped in it often enough, but haven't ever sat in it. I'm sure it was an unpleasant experience.

Posted by: Haley at April 22, 2009 1:28 PM

ugh -- sorry kitten. but it can only go up from the suckage and here's a suggestion for you -- a 3Q for this book:


it's a fun fun read and honestly, how could you resist interviewing Tara Maclay?


Posted by: debra at April 22, 2009 5:31 PM

Even in your pain, you're unique-Lordy, Nicholas Sparks. Time to give the mice a wake and let the kids plan the service...

Posted by: Bridget at April 22, 2009 7:03 PM

Just curious as to why you didn't title this entry "I haz a sad."

Posted by: Trace at April 22, 2009 10:31 PM

I am sorry that you are having a rough time, but I must tell you that this is an excellent post. You really made me feel your pain.

Posted by: Dani in NC at April 24, 2009 10:48 PM