January 29, 2009

An Open Letter to…

Dear Dynagirl Knits,

Holy cows! You found the song that stumped Scott, and in about three seconds! Evil Horse/evil dog, Tomato/Tomahto. Whatever, this IS the song I liked that one time I liked a song:

OOOH SO thumpy!

Please email me your snail addy and say what prize you want and I will mail it as soon as ever I get out of pajamas. So…March?

Love,
Joshilyn at Joshilyn Jackson dotcom

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Dear Weight Watcher’s,

Let’s try again.

I am sorry I called you a “meticulous, tick-mark-obsessed rubricon for anal retentives with too much spare time.” I don’t even know what rubricon MEANS. I suspect it isn’t a word, and I just said it because it SOUNDS pejorative and I was angry. We BOTH said things we did not mean.

I am sure you, for example, didn’t mean to give me that judgmental flat line mouth icon TWO WEEKS IN A ROW because I had lost less than a pound. Just so our start is TRULY fresh and all past uglinesses are firmly behind us, I DO feel I should tell you that the loss of half a pound should be worth a full on smiley, if not the yellow victory trophy icon. That flat mouth guy just makes me feel judged, and also like punching you in the face. Let’s not see him anymore this time, okay?

But that is all in the past! I like your new orange anthropomorphized version of HUNGRY. VERY fetching. I am fetched! I like the new system where you make activity points weekly, so that I don’t feel obligated to go downstairs and gobble up four points of popcorn at 10 pm just so I won’t lose that day’s work out points. I can save them all up and have Like It Cake Batter Cold Stone Creamery Ice cream (10.5 points) with Cookie Dough (4 points) with you on Saturday, instead. GREAT IDEA!

In short, Weight Watcher’s, I like the cut of your new jib.

And do not even try to play coy! I know you want me back. You think QUITE fondly of me, especially considering the fact that I have continued to pay your monthly fee for six months even though were technically not speaking to each other and I told everyone that you sucked and I hated you and I wished you were deaddeaddead. I think we both know I did not mean that. Much. Maybe at the time. ANYWAY! I kept paying the fee as a way to, you know, keep in touch. I think we both knew we were destined to come back to each other, just as soon as my fat jeans got tight.

Come home, beloved, all is forgiven,
Joshilyn

PS There is NO FREAKIN’ WAY those two TINY chicken fajitas I had at church at last night cost ten points. If things are going to have a FAINT PRAYER of working out between us, you can’t be such a butthole.

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Dear South Beach Diet,

Hey! I ran into Amy at Boot Camp and she says you guys are back together and she seems so happy. Heh. How nice for her! And you! AND STUFF. It sure made me remember that beautiful summertime romance you and I had. With the nuts? And the way you were never once unreasonable about cheese? Good times.

You may have heard I am seeing WW again. Yeah. You know, WW and I, we have a history, and when it was good for us that one time, it was REALLY good.

You and me? Oh yes, we were good together too, but, you know, I AM seeing WW now. Although, not to be all GOSSIPY or talk behind WW’s back or anything, but WW did get just a little shirty about the cheese on my fajitas last night. Couple of tablespoons, tops, and WW acted like I had killed the fatted calf and eaten just the fatted parts. With mayo. What’s THAT about? But WW is really trying and um, yeah we are back together.

You and I should keep in touch, though. Definitely. Just, as FRIENDS, though, you know? No need to tell WW that you and I are back talking because WW can be silly about things like that and might totally get the wrong idea. You and I know it is harmless and doesn’t mean a THING. Not really. Okay well, text me back!

TTFN,
J

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Dear Double Chocolate Caramel Chip and Toffee Homemade Cookies,

I made you for the KID’S LUNCHES. How was I to know that this whole week was early release for student conferences and that there would BE no lunches packed. And now you sit in my pantry, seven points a serving, unattainable and beautiful and clearly mocking me. Get out! Get out of my LIFE! Get out of my PANTRY! Take the batch of extra dough that is sitting in the freezer right now WITH YOU.

But maybe I will come and, you know, give you a tiny tiny tiny lick goodbye. On your way out the door. A lick is probably zero points, and anyway we do not have to make a big thing and TELL WW, right? What’s a teeny little lick between friends…

J.

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Dear Weight Watcher’s Activity Tracker,

You do not have Boot Camp (Intense, Moderate, Light) listed in your database, and I cannot figure out how many points to award myself for Tuesday’s 60 minute session of alternating floor exercises with galloping around the church building and whining. For the record, you also do not have Calisthenics (Intense, Moderate, Light) listed, or Cross training (Intense, Moderate, Light) listed, nor any other synonym for Boot Camp.

While we are on the topic, I happened to notice you currently do not have a listing for sex (Intense, Moderate, Light). If you truly believe sex is not worth at LEAST one activity point, I respectfully submit to you that you are doing it wrong.

Love,
Joshilyn

Posted by joshilyn at January 29, 2009 8:51 AM
Comments

Why doesn't "laughing so hard after reading Jossy's blog that my stomach hurts" count for at least half an activity point?

I'm as sore as if I did a sit up or two.

P.S. I am super impressed about the song. Even after listening to it I don't think I would have figured it out. Nice detective work!

Posted by: Jen at January 29, 2009 9:17 AM

I seem to remember having the EXACT same reaction ("you're doing it wrong") upon reading that sex typically burns the same amount of calories as are in a medium-sized apple. Seriously, there's something very wrong, there.

Posted by: Mir at January 29, 2009 9:17 AM

Yes, yes, Yes. I ditto it all!

Posted by: JulieB at January 29, 2009 9:33 AM

*snorts water out nose* Oh, Joss.

Posted by: Jess at January 29, 2009 9:41 AM

"...tiny, tiny lick goodbye." You make me laugh. You always make me laugh.

Posted by: Tam at January 29, 2009 10:06 AM

OMG! I love reading you blog. I do it whenever I am having a tough day of threatening/teaching my middle school students. SO FUNNY! I laughed so hard I almost peed (sp) my pants... that wouldn't have gone over well 4th hour.

Posted by: Les at January 29, 2009 1:17 PM

Aha - so you're the one that WW has been cheating on me with. Honestly WW and I have not been seeing eye to eye since Thanksgiving. I wish you both luck. Hopefully your relationship will be so much better than mine ever was. Meanwhile I am looking for a new relationship. Maybe one that encourages potato chips. Is there such a thing as a high carb diet?

Posted by: Catherine at January 29, 2009 2:04 PM

Amazing about the song...but let me say wait! on the ipod purchase. I bought a Shuffle and fell in love...I loved it so much I started looking at the other products apple has to offer, and became seduced by the wonderful, *wonderful* audio book handling of the nano. Don't get me wrong, the suffle is great and cute as a button, but it is easy to lose your place in a book due to user error. The nano is worth every penny of those $150, and that's coming from someone who never spends that kind of money on a fun-sy "unneeded" item. Everyone deserves a nano.

Posted by: Cathy at January 29, 2009 2:25 PM

Hahahaha! I can't even tell you what was the funniest parts of the post because then I just want to quote it all back to you. Thanks for the laugh!

Posted by: Alison at January 29, 2009 2:44 PM

Too funny. Cool song!

Posted by: Holly at January 29, 2009 3:09 PM

I LOVE this. LOVE it so much. I just got back together with WW and it is on probation to see if it works for us. I go back to it every six months or so and it never works long term, but it's GOOD for a fling. Not as good as freezer cookie dough though.

I have never posted before, have shamelessly lurked, but this blog is one of the better parts of my day!

Posted by: Beth at January 29, 2009 3:47 PM

Once again, thanks for sharing your life. You make mine much easier to take (after a good laugh...)

Posted by: Jen at January 29, 2009 4:09 PM

Yay!

I used to work in a record store, so I got to use that very-neglected muscle again!

Posted by: dynagirl (knits) at January 29, 2009 5:10 PM

LOL! Oh so funny. Especially sex points.

Posted by: Heather at January 29, 2009 5:24 PM

Please let us know how it goes with WW. I'm flirting with it, but not sure if I want to commit.

Posted by: Nik at January 30, 2009 2:29 AM

*snaps out of Homer-Simpson-like drool fest*
What? I'm just obsessing on the cookies and wondering about the recipe now!

Posted by: Brigitte at January 30, 2009 5:40 AM

What about cleaning? Chasing kids around to get them ready for school on time? Typing? Surely those should count for something, too.

Posted by: Caryn Caldwell at January 30, 2009 2:02 PM

I have never posted here before but absolutely MUST now. You have to get an iPod TOUCH for the following reasons:
1) It plays audio books, with chapters in sequential order
2) It plays songs
3) It plays TV shows, movies, video podcasts, and sleepy baby
animal clips
4) It lets you check blogs, email, wesites compulsively from the
PALM OF YOUR HAND
5) It has nifty apps
6) One such nifty app is called Lose It! which tracks nutrition,
calories, goals, and activity
7) And yes, the seventh perfect reason is, Lose It! allows you to do both CALISTHENICS and SEX

Posted by: Sunny at January 31, 2009 6:10 PM

I needed this post, this day. Thank you.

Posted by: Lisa Milton at January 31, 2009 7:05 PM