January 21, 2009

To and From and Fro and Re:

This is the funniest thing I have read in a year. It is about this dog, who belongs to Lydia’s sister:


SPEAKING OF DOGS, I have no way to make like ET and phone home here --- no cell signal, and the phone in the house is purely for local and 911 calls. SO Scott has been keeping me up to date on kids and pets via email. It’s been so cold our poor dog has been stuck in the house for 98% of the day, and he tends to get squirrelly and whine for the yard and eat shoes when he has to be inside all the time. I asked Scott how he was handling it, and got an update email.

Scott: Bagel has been inside and well behaved these past few days, if you discount the time he laid his head in my lap and threw up foam.

HEE. I DO discount it. Good dog!

Here one of the cats gets SO excited over wet foot he gobbles and throws up a little foam as well. This morning, stepping barefoot into his modest puff of hork, I thought, “This like a weird form of bonding, Scott in Georgia, me in NC, and both of us with carbonated pet vomit on our lower extremities.”

Then I thought, “WOW I am looking for a mystical marital link in the frothy upchucks of interspecies animals. I REALLY miss my husband. It is TIME TO GO HOME.”

I am going to finish this chapter and then get in MY motorized The Good Cat and hit road, snow or no snow.

SPEAKING OF EMAILS (you see how I am working these transitions? MASTERFUL! SO SEAMLESS! It’s like these stories actually GO together in some sort of thematic and relevant way. Except not. It only LOOKS like they go because the first one has a dog and the second has a dog and an email and the third has an e-mail.) yesterday I was exchanging emails (SEE?!) with a fellow novelist who is busy NAMING her characters. This is a delicate and endless process that requires cocktails and multiple conversations. At one point she said, “What if I name the narrator CECILY?”

I wrote back and said, “It’s a good name. I only have known one--- a VERY rowdy Cecily, back in my hometown. She was my mortal enemy in ninth grade and she was so rowdy her mother sent her to Catholic school. Then, senior year, all the local high schools arranged a trip to Europe for college credit and we both went and we ended up friends.

There was a terrifying nun named Sister Catherine who went along as a chaperone. TERRIFYING. She could shoot holy laser beams of righteous destruction from her eyeballs and insta-burn teenage girls into whimpering cinders of apology and woe.

Pensacola legend holds that Cecily did not get to walk at Graduation because about three weeks before the ceremony, she got veryveryveryrowdy indeed and had her boyfriend dangle her by the ankles over the old train trestle and she took red spray paint and wrote, “SISTER CATHERINE IS A SLUT” in foot high letters.

And SIGNED it.”

Then this morning I had a note from someone I think may be that same Cecily---I have not heard from her nor seen her in 18 years, but I have known no other Cecilys I can recall --- on Facebook.
The world is very small and getting smaller.
The world is also very weird, and it seems to be maintaining its weirdness at defcon 11.
(Most weirdnesses only go to ten, but this world? Is an 11.
That’s one louder.)

Posted by joshilyn at January 21, 2009 2:04 PM

I know that train trestle! My kids all have at one time or another felt it necessary to tag the trestle. It's a right of passage here. And my name is Catherine! However, I am not nor have I ever been a nun. Still - way to go Cecily!

Posted by: Catherine at January 21, 2009 3:08 PM

Oh the drama of animal horkitude! We feed our cat kibbles that match the carpeting. Not on purpose.
Now my son never goes barefoot in the dark anymore, after finding Barfycat's leavings on the stairway late one night. He used words I didn't think he knew and should have had his mouth washed out for. When my heart stopped pounding enough for me to figure out what he was screaming about, I laughed -- into my pillow, because, dude, the kid was really mad and my laughing would not have helped the situation. at. all.
After all these years, the thought of it still makes me laugh. But not in front of the kid. And yes, Barfycat still lives up to his name. I can't wait to get rid of that carpet.

Posted by: Lulu at January 21, 2009 7:53 PM

No, actual defcon 11 weirdness would be if a little person came dancing by holding a very small model of Stonehenge WHILE you were approaching defcon 11. Actually, I think carbonated animal spew is defcon 11.

Posted by: Roxanne at January 21, 2009 7:58 PM

I love that list, I simply do!

Be safe on your drive home, and do NOT use the force, Luke, it doesn't work in the mountains. I've tried.

Posted by: Fran at January 21, 2009 10:42 PM

That list is HILARIOUS! Thanks for sharing!

Posted by: Lindsey at January 21, 2009 11:06 PM

Gee, I at first assumed Bagel's foam-barf was the foam stuffing of some prized piece of furniture! Glad I was mistaken.

We used to have a big black cat, weird in many ways, who dripped foam from the mouth when he was over-excited or frightened. Ah, good ol' Foamy, I still miss him sometimes.

Posted by: Brigitte at January 22, 2009 5:24 AM

Yay for Spinal Tap references!!

Posted by: Jess at January 22, 2009 10:03 AM

I'm really tired, and I just spent ten minutes staring at your fifth paragraph, trying to figure out WHY a cat would be excited by a wet foot. Was this some sort of strange cat fetish, heretofore unknown to me? My cats will sometimes get rub up against my foot, and even bite it, but it's relative wetness doesn't seem to make a difference, one way or t'other. And why would the wet foot make the cat hork?

Then I realized you meant food. All in all, a very entertaining typo.

As for T-Bone, I am going to adopt #83 on that list for my cats. When they are driving me crazy, I will remember that HEY! at least their heads are on forwards and not backwards. And then I will feel better.

Posted by: Aimee at January 22, 2009 10:32 AM

I did say I was tired, right? My cats will sometimes rub up against my food, not GET rub up. And ITS relative wetness, not it's. GAH.

Posted by: Aimee at January 22, 2009 10:33 AM

I can't get past - You can actually go barefoot in your house?" With TOO MANY pets (lovely pets, yes, but evil) I dare not.

And segues - wow. Those are, uhm, doozies!!!!

And speaking of Cheerios, I think I'm gonna go clean the kitchen counter off and then call it a night.

Posted by: Laume at January 23, 2009 4:21 AM

Thanks for being hilarious as always & for a link to the other blog. I love finding additional ways to amuse myself.
Oh, & stepping off the bottom stair right into runny dog-doo on Christmas morning & hopping across to the kitchen sink was THE highlight of my holiday season. Never going barefoot in the dark again. I'll take the foam any day...well I say that, but don't want to jinx it & have it everyday. That would be my luck.
Can't wait for the next book! Have safe travels!

Posted by: Amanda at January 23, 2009 11:06 AM

I loved Lydia's list. And I loved the picture of T-Bone even more. I have saved it and will use it as computer wallpaper next December.
--Leslie, in Hiawatha

Posted by: Leslie Noon at January 24, 2009 9:42 AM

After two months of being unemployed, and then one month of being emplyed, only to find out late yesterday that the company that employed me had gone belly-up, I read the last couple of entries, and LAUGHED!!!!!!!
You are nothing short of amazing!!!
And I love your books, too.

Posted by: Judy at January 24, 2009 11:32 AM

Where can I get these weapons?

"She could shoot holy laser beams of righteous destruction from her eyeballs and insta-burn teenage girls into whimpering cinders of apology and woe.

Posted by: Cele at January 25, 2009 12:52 AM

I, too, am from Pensacola...it's a wonder that poor trestle hasn't collapsed from the weight of the spray paint over the years. Although I don't remember that particular incident...and I went to that high school.

Posted by: Mrs. Who at January 25, 2009 1:58 PM