January 16, 2009

In Which I Let my Attic Squirrels Go Ambling Past. On Crack.

1) Yesterday I decided to do the ab clinic at BOOT CAMP, I changed out of pajamas and into sweatpants---not a big change, granted, but definitely a move in the right direction, considering I had been in PJs for more than 72 hours and was beginning to creep along the baseboards muttering about wallpaper. Today, in spite of flabby evidence to the contrary, it appears I do actually possess some ABDOMINAL MUSCLES.

They cannot be seen, hidden as they are beneath a rounded lady belly, but they are THERE. Truthfully, I liked it better when my abdominal muscles were purely theoretical because the way they have chosen to prove their existence is via soreness. “I Ache, Therefore I am,” say my abs, and I say back, SHUT UP AND HAVE SOME MOTRIN OR I’LL DO MORE CRUNCHES.

2) Today, in an even more radical move, I put on ACTUAL PANTS. With a ZIPPER. And left the house before I became squirrelly enough to bake the cat. I am currently at Starbuck’s bitterly resenting my fellow Christians because they have asked Will to turn off the music so they can have a completely audible discussion about corporate policy vis-à-vis Jesus and I am HEARING EVERY FREAKING WORD.

I love Jesus, but I am SO not interested in corporate policy and although I can use it in a sentence I would be hard put to actually DEFINE what VIS-À-VIS means and I do not want to know. Not in any context. I generally love to work in coffee shops because the music and the talking and the WHHHHRRRRRR of the espresso maker all blend into a patina of general hubbub that busies my top brain and lets the underbrain work on books. BUT take out the music and fill the place with a single large group having a single conversation rife with frenchified phraseology, splashing things like VIS-À-VIS all over the tables, and I can’t NOT listen.

3) On the radio on the way over I heard that a new study shows drinking three or more cups of coffee (or it’s equivalent in caffeinated products) ups ones chances of experiencing hallucinations to a significant degree.

4) In completely unrelated news, I want to have a fourth shot in the dark (A cup of coffee with a shot of espresso dumped in for extra bitter black deliciousness), and I plan to order one, just as soon as I can wade through bloated corpses of the thousand multicolored rhinoceroses that have suddenly decided to bloom out of the floor.

5) I am approaching the end of this book in hurky fits and starts of word spewings, and I keep SIDETRACKING myself. I JUST spent 15 minutes on a meandering riff, trying to get the wording right on this image so that it is clear that this COMPLETELY NON ESSENTIAL librarian character DID NOT actually just make some sweaty sweaty lovin’ with a biker in the stacks. It’s just her hair looks like she might have done so. At some point.

5) So Jill called me --- now in my head every time I say the name Jill I think IDKMYBFFJILL? because I watch too much TV, or another way of saying that would be, I do not sleep enough---and she said HOW COME YOU NEVER COME OUT AS A GAMER ON YOUR BLOG AND ARE ALL SECRETIVE LIKE YOU ARE TOO COOL FOR MMORPGS WHEN REALLY ALL YOU DO THESE DAYS IS WRITE THAT BOOK AND THEN ESCAPE INTO LOERDERON AND DO YOU AT LEAST HAVE PANTS ON? And I said, Dood I have many times mentioned that I game on my blog. And she said BUT YOU NEVER GET ALL RAINBOW OUT ABOUT IT AND SAY I PLAY AN UNDEAD HOLY PRIEST ON WOW GO HORDE I HEAL ORCS I AM PROUD AND LOUD AND HAVE ROTTED OUT KNEE BONES IN THE GRAPHICS. And I said, because….that would be sososo weird? But then, look, I just told you. Also, Mr. T. Plays. SO. How weird can it be?

END QUERY: If the objective in coming to starbucks was not JUST to put on pants for the first time in close to 4 days, but RATHER was to go into PUBLIC as a way to TAMP DOWN THE BIG CRAZY, how do you think that is working, hmmmm?

Posted by joshilyn at January 16, 2009 9:39 AM

My husband says IDKMYBFFJILL to me all the time. It never ceases to amuse him.

Great post. The Big Crazy might be less than fun for you, but it makes for highly amusing reading.

Posted by: Jill W. at January 16, 2009 9:52 AM

My son looked up the study on the caffeine and hallucinations. They used 200 students for study participants. Really?? College students?? Bwahahahah.

Also turns out they define hallucinations to include things like thinking you heard someone call your name on the street.


Posted by: KarinNH at January 16, 2009 10:01 AM

Dabney Coleman in Modern Problems...the greatest use of vis-a-vis ever! Except it gets stuck in your head.

Posted by: AlabamaAmy at January 16, 2009 10:03 AM


Posted by: Aimee at January 16, 2009 10:25 AM

When they reported that coffee story on the NY nightly news the other night it was fun to watch the anchors try not to make fun of it (and eventually fail to do so). Also the last comment in the story was that the research didn't take into account confounding variable, like stress...gee, you think stress might have something to do with the seeig/hearing of non-existant things?

Posted by: Dani at January 16, 2009 10:57 AM

I am extremely fond of the squirrels in your attic. At least, from this vantage point, through the screen. Their antics are entertaining.

I might feel differently if I had to sit next to you at Starbucks though. :)

Posted by: carrien (she laughs at the days) at January 16, 2009 11:28 AM

I think that Will should turn UP the music so you can have another shot in the dark and get some work done; also, pants with zippers are highly overrated.

As for the caffeine study, I think the people who hear voices most are mothers who wake up in the night thinking they hear someone calling "Mommy!" just when they've started a particularly lovely dream or finally achieved REM sleep for the first time in days. But maybe I'm projecting.

Posted by: Jen at January 16, 2009 12:39 PM

Oh I'm a little bit jealous because I can never quite figure out those games and I want to... my husband does and can live inside his computer for hours (while I do laundry and mind the kids, but this is another topic...) but I am not sure my computer would be able to handle a game loaded up on it!

I think you should post your avatar or graphic or online persona or whatever so we can see the rotted out knee bones...

Posted by: Heather Cook at January 16, 2009 12:42 PM

I loved the fact they'd used students for the experiment. It brought back that whole stale-instant-coffee-and-dirty-laundry smell of a thousand student rooms...

and on point 5); shame...

Anon Librarian

Posted by: Liz at January 16, 2009 1:53 PM

I don't do caffiene, as you know. But I DO melt Warcraft into a spoon and needle it into my veins. See nerd-out below:

Hellscream/Horde 80 Blood Elf Mage


Posted by: Jill at January 16, 2009 2:02 PM

My husband tells me I should get into WOW since I am so addicted to Mafia Wars on facebook (supposedly it's the same "kind" of game). But seriously? If its better than that, my kids might forget what I look like.

Posted by: Em at January 16, 2009 2:21 PM

When exactly is that deadline? >.>

Posted by: Jess at January 16, 2009 2:36 PM

Just. So. Totally. Hilarious.

Posted by: Roxanne at January 16, 2009 8:09 PM

I wonder what it does to my mental health number that I thought at first you were talking about REAL squirrels in your attic wandering by. But only because we DO have a squirrel infestation in our house. But not normal squirrels, oh no, nothing so pedestrian for me. We have FLYING squirrels wintering-over in our attic. And they winter in packs of up to 50. And they run the squirrel olympics over my head at 3 AM EVERY MORNING. And then we had the attic sealed so they couldn't get in/out and put little trapses all over and the little squirrrelses laughed at me and decided to start coming down into my house since I wouldn't let them out. So little squirrelses wandering by--not really such a strange thing after all!

Posted by: Jen at January 17, 2009 7:03 AM

A bottle of glucosomine/chiondrin and your avar's knees will be right as rain.

Posted by: rams at January 17, 2009 8:46 AM

Um... fellow WoW convert here.... Although I have 2 Alliance toons, I want to make a Tauren cause I think they are so cute :)

I just had a quest in Telaar given to me by Moi'bff Jill! Oh, those wacky Blizzard game developers. Oh, and my warlock's void walker recently told me "I am void where prohibited". I about laughed myself out of the chair.

Posted by: Laura at January 17, 2009 9:42 AM

I love how your brain works. Will fight the temptation to keep my addictive genes away from WOW.

Posted by: Cele at January 17, 2009 12:31 PM

Taz dingo!

Jill has good ideas. <3 Jill. And um....I know a shirt you should have maybe....


Posted by: Lia at January 17, 2009 2:33 PM

This might be a stretch, but were you by chance referencing Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper" in the first paragraph? Either way, it was awesome :) By the way, I've shared your "Piece of Plastic String" story with a bunch of my friends, because I thought it was so good. My sister's dog was that way with a piece of rope, so we can relate.

Posted by: Minerva at January 17, 2009 7:36 PM

Well, as long as you don't start trying actually to cast shadow word:pain and then mind-flay the people discussing anything vis-á-vis anything else in your "office" there aren't too many squirrels running amok in your attic. As you are an undead priest, I would also feel fine about your mental-illness number unless and until you start cannibalizing people talking loudly in pretentiously appropriated gallic phrases.
On the other hand, I have been known to mentally cast DoTs (yeah, I'm an afflock) on unruly bookstore customers, but haven't quite escalated to shadow bolt-y hand gestures...
Note the "quite" ...
Screenie would be nice, you've made us all curious now.

Posted by: Rompompom at January 17, 2009 7:39 PM

"BUT take out the music and fill the place with a single large group having a single conversation rife with frenchified phraseology, splashing things like VIS-À-VIS all over the tables, and I can’t NOT listen."

I love it when you are finishing a book for more than one reason.

Posted by: Roxanne at January 18, 2009 10:17 AM

my mom is a nurse, and her hospital did a study that said if women drink two to three cups of coffee a day, they decrease their chances of breast cancer and alzheimer's. i like that study better (says the girl who drinks 4+ cups a day)

Posted by: allisok at January 25, 2009 2:23 AM