December 28, 2008

The BAD Cat

Sorry about the poor photo quality – I caught Boggart in the act with my cell phone.


If you are thinking to yourself, “Surely that little poohead is not EATING artificial pine needles off that PLASTIC TREE?” allow me to assure you that, actually, yes, that is EXACTLY what said poohead is doing. He is saving them up in his fourth stomach, so he can make spectacular green flecked Christmas cat yack to herald Epiphany.

The circled objects are the corpses of ornaments that offended him in some way. They were plucked off the tree and summarily executed. As a veteran of more than one Kitten Christmas, I knew to put the dollar store candy canes and unharmable silver coins down LOW, and simply prayed that the concept of CLIMBING did not wander into the pea-sized dollop of brain matter at the front of this little mutant. So far, so good.

Yes, that IS Rock Band in the background. Santa brought it for Wii, and THANKS SANTA, because without it, I doubt my 6 year old would be charging around the house singing the end of Suffragette City, like this:

She is currently in an outfit so red and pink and orange and spangled and DOWNRIGHT GLAM that Ziggy Stardust himself would forgive her the gratuitous G on the end of the BAM, I think. But I am not sure her first grade teacher will appreciate it if we can’t stop her spontaneous dirty-lines-from-Bowie eruptions before school starts up again.

Yesterday they FINALLY dragged me down to make me play Rock Band WITH them – and by them I mean the kids and SCOTT, who has logged more time on the drums than both kids combined. I rocked the mike, and I picked that same Bowie tune because Maisy had put it in my head. It was one of the hardest songs currently open, and right out of the gate I got a 99%. No mean feat, considering I have all the innate musical talent of a clam. Word to the wise? The lyrics to Suffragette City make NO sense. I think Bowie may have been on DRUGS. Shocking, I know, a 70’s glam rocker on hallucinogens, but I see no other explanation for naming one’s groupie Suffragette City and saying, she’s “a total blam-blam,”

After we were done, Scott said, Isn’t that SO FUN AND NEAT?
I said, It’s fine. I guess.
He said, Okay. Right. I forgot you were you for a sec. Let me rephrase…can you imagine how fun and neat it would be for a person who, say, LIKES SONGS?
You know what? I kinda can.

Posted by joshilyn at December 28, 2008 12:30 PM

Better yet, imagine if they had a Mary Poppins version and you could sing "Sister Suffragette" instead. Not as cool not most people, sure but I'd join that band.

Posted by: Em at December 28, 2008 1:14 PM

Pfft, I much prefer Dance Dance Revolution, which has the same sort of premise (do what I do, says the screen) but you actually sweat. I've only played it in an arcade though... while holding a baby on my hip.

Posted by: Heather Cook at December 28, 2008 4:56 PM

"innate musical talent of a clam" - now there's a phrase I need to remember

Posted by: parrotzmom at December 28, 2008 7:00 PM

I have been going into Rock Band withdrawl since my husband and I moved 2 MONTHS ago...blah blah blah apparently the PS3 is at the bottom of the list of things to unpack and set up. Foolish husband. He's going to wake up one morning and find me standing over him on the bed, hollering out the lyrics to Dani California.
*Nods emphatically*

Posted by: ellbee at December 29, 2008 9:06 AM

Oh dear. My cat Katie and Boggart are apparently cut from the same cloth. She CANNOT RESIST the plastic pine needles. She lurves 'em. The other day (after we had just finished watching Michael Clayton) my husband decided to reenact that scene in the alley with himself as George Clooney and Katie as Tom Wilkinson. She started chewing on the tree, and he said, "How do I talk to you, Katie? So you hear me? Like a kitten? Like a nut?" At which point I fell off the couch laughing and she ran away.

Hey, at least she didn't give him the evil eye and say, "The last place you want to see me is in court."

Posted by: Aimee at December 29, 2008 11:05 AM

Yanno, first thing I thought of when I saw the pic was "Ohh, Rock Band! Nice!" and then you mentioned it and I snorted with laughter for the rest of the post.

I love my Rock Band and Guitar Hero games, but ah, I am of that generation. I rock the bass and the vocals on expert, but guitar and drums I'm only a medium.

And to bring it home, my friend's band on Rock Band is "Massacred by Kittens", which appears to refer to your TREE.

Posted by: Jess at December 29, 2008 11:22 AM

I have 2 cats and thought that if I just didn't hang anything on the lower branches the cats wouldn't bother it. HA! boy was I wrong!

Posted by: Julie at December 29, 2008 3:00 PM

I always laugh at people who say they love kittens. Because of things like, this morning I found the dish sponge from the sink on the kitchen floor, torn to shreds, with bits all over the place. Yesterday it was a dust filter (also a spongy material) from a space heater. All thanks to the 8-month old teenager hellspawn, Miss Moxie, who also never misses a trick when there's an envelope strip from a Netflix movie.

Grown-up cats have their hangups, but at least they sleep most of the time.

Posted by: firefly at December 29, 2008 6:14 PM

Our 14 year old son also received Rock Band for Christmas... Our 6 year old is in LOVE with it. I also have wondered what the 1st grade teacher will think when Lindsay is singing about her "Dirty Litle Secret" next week.

Posted by: Rene at December 30, 2008 1:50 AM

I bet the ornaments were mouthy. At our house, the paper towel roll trash talks the cats, and wooOOOooo do they give those mouthy paper towels the What Fer.

Posted by: Dory at December 30, 2008 10:15 AM

Awww, kitties and Christmas trees... we had one that would curl up around the center post about halfway up the tree to sleep. I think this is the first year none of our 3 felines have bothered much with the tree.

I have to laugh at Maisy singing Bowie lyrics. I have Guitar Hero to thank for my 9 & 11 yr old boys singing Poison's Talk Dirty To Me.

Posted by: Laura at December 30, 2008 1:54 PM

I have a cat that developed a fetish for all throw rugs (bathroom, kitchen, and hallway) while still a kitten. In 4 years, she has never once touched the furniture, couldn't care less about the Xmas trees or ornaments, cannot be bothered to touch food or drink left out, ... but throw rugs, those must be destroyed immediately. If I leave the bathroom door open even a crack while showering, by the time I get out, the rug will have been dragged from the bathroom down the hall to the livingroom where she will have begun her shredding.

Posted by: traci at December 30, 2008 9:58 PM

I have a cat I call Pincy, from PNC, for Poory-named cat. My wife didn't like the cat's name when we adopted it from a colleague.

Pincy a glass-fiend. She will approach any unwatched glass and dip of of her paws in it. The previous owner says she is looking for milk, but I think it is a compulsion that can either be overlooked or treated with years of therapy and heavy medication--for me, not the cat.

She also likes to have us watch her eat. I am not sure what that is about, either.

The main reason I am responding, Joshelyn, is that I found your postings by accident as I was looking up the lyrics to Ziggy Stardust. David Bowie brought me to your site.

I will be back.

Posted by: Pedro at January 6, 2009 4:12 PM