December 12, 2008

In Which Various Members of my Family Share Their Wisdom

From Beautiful Maisy, who is barely six, this sage advice on cooking and nutrition.

Maisy: The best food is food that comes on a stick. Everything good comes on a stick. Like pudding pops. And corn dogs.

Scott: Do things that are not naturally on sticks taste better if you put them on sticks?

Maisy: *unequivocally* Yes.

Scott: What about Rat on a Stick?

Maisy: *stern* Daddy, NO. No one wants to eat rat. Even on a stick. Then the second best foods are fried. Everything tastes good fried. Mommy told me.

Scott: And what are the third best foods?

Maisy: Butter.

Scott: So if we could put butter on a stick and somehow FRY it?

Maisy: That would be…AWESOME.


From beautiful Scott, who is barely old, comes this advice on to be Smothering or to NOT be Smothering, that is the question

This morning, Scott came to wake me up because I FOOLISHLY stated within the range of his creepy-good hearing that I wanted to get up early. He climbed in bed beside me and began bothering me and talking and encouraging me to open my eyes. I quite naturally and rightly then attempted to smother him with a pillow. After he had cleverly escaped my murderous intentions (by lying there breathing enragingly and saying "You need to exert more pressure, Sugarbritches. Good try though, there, this sure is a cute little attempt at a smother!" til I moved the pillow) we had the following exchange.

Him: You should not go around smothering people.

Me: Sometimes people NEED smothering.

Him: There is a downside, babe.

Me: No, sometimes smothering is wholly justified and great.

Him: No. There is always a downside.

Me: Okay Mr. Smarty, what’s the downside to smothering the Marquis de Sade?

Him: AH – You would absolutely have to buy a new pillow.

Me: Touché, Smart Cat, Touché.

From Various Preteen and Teenaged Males in the house

ALAS, I have no wisdom from Sam, as he is away on a 3 day field trip to a local swamp. The only words I have from Sam are, “We saw two snakes! I am going to dissect a fish!” SO that seems to be going well. Unless you are the fish.

But Boggart, my teenager cat, was reunited with his beloved PIECE OF PLASTIC STRING when I pitched it angrily out of the underpants drawer this morning. HE LEARNED A THING. From Boggart, this nugget of helpful truth:

If you are lucky enough to have returned to you that which you thought was lost, TAKE IT TO THE BASEMENT. AND HIDE IT.

An excellent plan.

Posted by joshilyn at December 12, 2008 11:18 AM

Since you are spreading wisdom, I feel the need to share this gem so that noone has to get the "you are a total freak" look I got after saying it:

Friend: Well, since you need to move where are you thinking of going?

Me: Well I've been thinking about places where I know at least one person, because if you are going to move to a totally new place, it's good to know that someone will come identify your body if you get hit by a bus.

Posted by: Dani at December 12, 2008 12:25 PM

Oh, but that Maisy is wise beyond her years...

Very funny post.

Posted by: Jill W. at December 12, 2008 12:26 PM

Sugarbritches. Must remember that one.

Posted by: Caryn Caldwell at December 12, 2008 12:40 PM

So I guess you and Maisy are going to be making Paula Deen's Fried Butter Balls for the holidays? And putting them on sticks?

Posted by: liz at December 12, 2008 1:38 PM

As we all know by now, Maisy is simply a genius. In addition to be being multi-talented and beautiful as well(good genes, clearly).

While my husband sometimes calls me SugarBritches as well (a +), he has a tendency (5 days/7) to harshly awaken me by turning on the light and TALKING to me even tho I am deeply engaged w/my subconscience at the time (i.e., asleep and dreaming)

I wish I could loan Elby to Boggart for some lessons in sleeping w/the grown ups, but I feel confident it'll come in time (do you feed him at night? this might help a little too)

I toast you w/a stick of fried butter held high!

Posted by: Elizabeth J at December 12, 2008 1:42 PM

Robert Heinlein said "Waking someone unnecessarily should not be a capital offense. The first time."

Posted by: rams at December 12, 2008 5:12 PM

Mmmm... corn dogs. Had one today. I called it therapy.

Posted by: Sandi at December 12, 2008 9:35 PM

Fried cheese. I have such a weakness for fried cheese. And you can get that on a stick, so that should please Miss Maisy.

Smothering is perfectly acceptable, to the best of my knowledge, except that it takes so much energy! In my experience it's easier to get up, go to the bathroom and then sneak back into bed while the other person's virtuously doing something else.

Posted by: Fran at December 12, 2008 11:01 PM

Now this is wisdom!


Posted by: FringeGirl at December 13, 2008 9:01 AM

Maisy's advice is my favorite. I hartily agree.

Posted by: nik at December 14, 2008 7:45 AM

I think Maisy has learned one of life's lessons early. . .butter is a good thing--especially fried and on a stick.

Posted by: Roxanne at December 15, 2008 9:00 AM

Does Maisy watch Paula Deen???

Posted by: Lia at December 15, 2008 1:25 PM

I can't remember where I heard this, but there are restaurants serving fried ice cream. Which you can definitely put on a stick.

Seriously, try the squirt gun thing on Boggart. He needs to know some behaviors are inappropriate, like pouncing on your butt when you're sleeping.

We are training a 9-month-old kitten at the moment (with the help of five other no-nonsense adult cats) and rarely have a problem with her attacking us under the covers. Not because she wouldn't love to do it, but because she's beginning to understand what CUT THAT OUT!! means.

We're sure her favorite expression is "go to hell," but fortunately she doesn't speak English.


Posted by: firefly at December 15, 2008 4:01 PM