December 2, 2008

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

OH best beloveds…yesterday I ate a modest scoop of Kashi Vive for breakfast, then went on an hour long vigorous hike straight up the side of a mountain with Julie. I came home, had a Fettucine Alfredo Lean Cuisine for lunch with a full of cup of steamed fresh broccoli stirred in, then ate fruit salad and a lean hamburger patty for dinner.

Reading the above, perhaps you are worried that I am no longer QUITE FAT ENOUGH to destroy the earth by stomping down upon it with such a mass of authoritative weight behind each step that the very crust cracks and WHOLE VILLAGES go plummeting down into the magma (or, if you believe Jules Verne and Brendan Frasier, into the dinosaur infested cave-jungles). Well, please, relax.

At 8 pm, I LOST MY MIND, popped an ENORMOUS bag of full fat movie theatre butter flavor Orville’s popcorn, dusted it liberally with white cheddar powder for EXTRA fat and salt, and then poured an enormous tumbler of Shiraz and settled in to watch CHUCK with my eldest kid. After Sam went to bed, I remembered a DARK CHOCOLATE AND MARZIPAN Ritt bar had snuck into my fresh veggie laden cart at the Publix, and I went and gobbled half of THAT down as well. *burp* I then went directly to sleep for eight hours and metabolized all that crap, turning it directly into MORE BUTT.

This morning, I saw ONCE MORE the horrifying and EXACT number that made me join Weight Watchers in the first splace, and lose that seven pounds, when I needed to lose 12. EXACT AND HORRIFYING NUMBER.

AND CHRISTMAS IS COMING. With Christmas comes my traditional family Eggs Benedict brunch and TONS of ham and fat potato fat fat and my great aunt Gladys’ Pecan Pie and my mother’s fudge and walnut crecsents and ting-a-lings and hot cider and pans and pans and pans of the delicious parker house rolls made by Sister Schubert, who is neither my sister nor any relation to my cat, Schubert…but the woman can make some FANTASTICAL CARBOHYDRATES, let me tell you.

Bargle.

Posted by joshilyn at December 2, 2008 9:29 AM
Comments

There, there tulip. You are pretty and have great shoes, no matter what the scales say.

Posted by: Mit at December 2, 2008 9:59 AM

I understand exactly how you feel. I myself have just joined weight watchers. Now that Thanksgiving is over - my favorite holiday, as it is all about food, I have to do something. I can also be so totally good during the day. But those bags of popcorn and goodies call out to me at night.

Posted by: Cathi at December 2, 2008 10:15 AM

Obviously, it is the scale that is broken. Solution: buy new scale.

Posted by: Melissa D at December 2, 2008 10:20 AM

Somehow, I doubt that you are actually weighty enough to crack open the earth and expose the rapaciously hungry dinosaurs within. I've seen your pictures -- an extra seven (or even TWELVE) pounds would not make you large enough to break a planet. Sit back and leave that to the global warming deniers. ;)

Posted by: Aimee at December 2, 2008 10:34 AM

It's Christmas. Calories don't count.

Posted by: Ralee at December 2, 2008 10:36 AM

I've done WW a few times. Always manage to GAIN weight - b/c you're thinking about food CONSTANTLY. So I don't do WW anymore.

Be kind to yourself. Recognize the biological imperative to store up fat for the winter and shed it come spring.

And there was recently yet another report in the news about how GOOD red wine is for a body. So there.

Lastly, whatever are "ting-a-lings"?? I'm so intruiged!

Posted by: Elizabeth J at December 2, 2008 10:56 AM

No, no, no, please don't buy another scale. Yours may indeed be broken, but you also run the risk that on the new scale you actually weigh MORE! Ask me how I know this. (sobs)

Posted by: Deborah P at December 2, 2008 11:20 AM

As everyone else says, in the first place, you are not fat and in the second, it is certainly not the most important thing about you - however, we all have our body image issues, and I feel your pain. Another important thing to remember is that it's probably at least partially water weight, so if you drink a lot, you'll wash out the ions that have you retaining water.

So, will you have events EVERY day, or can you limit food-compulsory events to once or twice a week and PLAN for them?

I wrote out a long testimonial for the Flat Belly Diet, then repented, because it was long and detailed. The point is, if you choose the rest of your food for nutrition and enjoyment (do NOT eat a boring cookie that you could eat any time! SPECIAL is the only thing worth the calories), you should be able to get past the holidays without gaining more.

Moderate enjoyment is prophylaxis against over-indulgence.

So - that's me being verbose. I am not thin, as you are, but I maintain my not-too-overweightness by trying new diets (if they seem sensible), and I've lost 9 lbs in 5 weeks, including not gaining over T-day.

Posted by: Diane (TT) at December 2, 2008 12:23 PM

OK, I didn't intend to make my prolixity look more concise by doing two, but I did cut out the bit that may be key: planning for the tendency to snack.

I get 1600 cal/ day in 4 meals of 400 cal each. I save my last one for dessert, because I can eat insanely in the evening, and if I know I get dessert later, I usually can wait the 4 hours from dinner (early dinner, late dessert!). For others, mid-afternoon may be the trigger time, so have the 4th meal then, and a later dinner.

Sorry. I can't resist an opportunity to give advice - but if all you want is sympathy, I assure you, I have it! One can be SO GOOD and to have a few minutes of pleasure BLOW it is really frustrating.

Posted by: Diane (TT) at December 2, 2008 12:27 PM

Are you my twin? I, too, have such control during the day; then the evil evening hours arrive. I am back within two pounds of the weight that drove me to WW a few years ago, and like you, enjoyed a number of Sister Shuberts over Thanksgiving (they are wonderful sliced, slathered with butter and toasted the next morning).

Posted by: pendy at December 2, 2008 1:45 PM

*nods sagely* See, THIS is exactly why I lost 6lbs in Oct/Nov. So I can GAIN THEM ALL BACK in December.

Posted by: Jess at December 2, 2008 1:57 PM

So, when I was pregnant, I did great on weight--probably because every afternoon I was faced with the choice of playing tennis or falling into a deep, miserable nap. The month I stopped playing tennis (and didn't stop eating my world-famous PBJ omelets), I went to the doctor's office and had gained 11 pounds!! This was, yes, December. (Side note, when they took my blood pressure AFTER weighing--who's idea was THAT?, it was so high they took it again, after I'd done some calm breathing, and it dropped 30 points!). AND, yes, I was heading to my sister-in-law's house for Xmas, where I knew there would be 8-10 LARGE tupperwares of cookies, including the delish toffee-coffee bars.

My doctor: Don't try to lose weight. Just watch it. That's the best advice I can give you for the next few weeks. January will loom with its need for weight loss whether we go crazy with deprivation in December or not. :)

Posted by: Becky Levine at December 2, 2008 3:34 PM

....but .........
you only ate HALF of the ritt bar,
so you DO have will-power.
Just hold on to that thought

Posted by: gillian at December 2, 2008 4:39 PM

Shiraz is made from grapes, which are obviously healthy, so thus it balances out the popcorn and the chocolate. Also popcorn's made from corn... see where I'm going with this? :)

Posted by: Becky at December 2, 2008 5:32 PM

Becky -- you're a genius! And now that I think of it, chocolate is made from BEANS. What's healthier than beans???

Posted by: Aimee at December 2, 2008 5:55 PM

Oh, I love Dark Chocolate and Marzipan Ritter Sport. And Shiraz. What better way to welcome December month? :) And I seem to have exactly 12 pounds extra too...

I feel a certain bond with you right now.

Posted by: stephanie at December 2, 2008 7:59 PM

Hey, stop that - did you really just list hot cider among the holiday vices? Cider is fruit and therefore has no calories. Same goes for wine, popcorn, walnuts, almond paste, pecans and eggs. All FRUIT. Honest.

And Gillian is right - you only ate HALF the Ritt bar. If I'd had a Ritt bar I would have gobbled up the whole thing. Stopping halfway through? Serious will power. And you hiked up a mountain - isn't it negative ten WW points per meter or something?

Cracking open the earth could be a useful skill, though. Did you see "The Core"? There are diamonds under there!

Posted by: Holly at December 2, 2008 9:21 PM

LOL! I'm cracking up...so glad you wrote this post. I've sooooo good all day long and was even better yesterday, but a 1/2 hour ago I broke and ate chips. It gets worse. I washed them down with gum drops. I'm trying my darndest (obviously you can tell) to loose 10 pounds. It will probably take me the next year. Ughhhhh...If only I had a metabolism that felt like working.

Posted by: FringeGirl at December 2, 2008 9:25 PM

That Sister, she is sly enough to be a blood relative, with all her different varieties of butt-producing goodness. My grandmother made yeast rolls like that (only with more butter) and every single one that I eat only reminds me of my grandmother's incredible cooking. So of course I have to get up and search for more carbs and fat to go with the yeast roll, usually something like half a pan of dressing (NOT stuffing), maybe a congealed salad or three, and a couple of different kinds of pie.

Posted by: Cindy Ericsson at December 2, 2008 9:57 PM

Do not MENTION the Sister Schubert rolls. . .either the ones in the pan OR the ones that come in a very large plastic bag at Sam's. It should be renamed Satan's Bread. I swanee.

And I too am very interested in what exactly a Ting-a-ling is. . .but if it involves lots of sugar and butter and cinnamon on anything that resembles something Sister Schubert might have baked, then do not tell me.

Posted by: Roxanne at December 2, 2008 10:02 PM

Ting-a-lings? Now I really need to know. Please?

For the rest, you're a wonder and you're beautiful and your hair is to DIE for, so I wouldn't worry about the rest of it. Honest!

Posted by: Fran at December 2, 2008 11:58 PM

I'm having the SAME problem. I'm fatter now than ever and I'm going back to the States for Christmas which means WENDY'S and DOUGHNUTS and HIGH FRUICTOSE CORN SYRUP.

Bargle indeed.

Posted by: nik at December 3, 2008 1:37 AM

Oh mi gawd, I'm so glad you clarified the cat thing.

Oh, side not....Becki is very wise.

Posted by: Cele at December 3, 2008 1:58 AM

Very wise woman on NPR years ago (whose name, alas, has fallen through the cerebral slats) said "It's not what you eat from November to January -- it's what you eat from January to November."

Posted by: rams at December 3, 2008 7:27 AM

I feel your pain...I'm currently 15 pounds over the most I can weigh and not die. FIFTEEN. Which means, technically, that I'm dead. So. Clearly I'm not even typing this because I am too fat to live.

Posted by: Amy-Go at December 3, 2008 8:02 PM

See, this is my mantra:

"People who are 15 or 20 pounds overweight LIVE LONGER."

Statistically true. Created a minor tidal wave when the results were unveiled. Too skinny? Die sooner. Too fat? Die sooner. Just a leetle overweight? Laughing until you're 96.

The CDC analyzed data and came up with the conclusion.
http://www.alternet.org/healthwellness/67692/now_doctors_say_it%27s_good_to_be_overweight/

So please don't sweat the popcorn. It's not how fat you are, it's how fit you are that really counts.

Posted by: firefly at December 8, 2008 4:34 PM