November 20, 2008

For the Record

1) I LIKE rats. I like rats who are domesticated, reasonably sized, and personable. Pet rats have pointy noses that go whifflewhiffle and soft fur. I myself had a pet rat named Simon who was white and rode around the house on my shoulder, nesting about in my hair. I also like hamsters, gerbils, mice, and am UTTERLY charmed when I hear those clucky little noises made by guinea pigs.

2) I do not like WILD disease-filled clumpy-haired garbage dwelling filthy PLAGUE rats, slick and oily with hanta virus and rabies and bubonic death, who are the size of fetal Buicks, who POP OUT of garbage heaps and SLAVER menacingly before bounding off to further wreck the economy buy refusing to buy domestic. There is one JUST LIKE THIS in New York. I KNOW. I SAW him. Twice.

3) Patti LuPone should be declared a national treasure. If you live in or are going to be near the NYC area before March, you SHOULD go see GYPSY. It’s a near perfect show, and LuPone is a MIRACLE in it, and I do not understand why it is closing after only a year or so? We were in a full theatre, and on a Tuesday, so. Maybe LuPone has other things to do and they feel she cannot be replaced by someone from American Idol? If so? GOOD CALL, but still. It rates an ALAS.

4) I will NEVER understand how ANYONE ALIVE can think that someone who has 11.5 million dollars lying fallow in darkest Abidjan would want to thrust this money willy-nilly into the bank account of a stranger…especially when “investor” closes his letter with, “please, if you are interested, reply me urgently . I remain bless while expecting your prompt co-operation.”
People with 11.5 million lying around to invest also have multi-lingual secretaries to make sure they do not sound like the instructions that come with toys made in Japan or something Babble fish came up with after smoking a hookah fulla magicweed. HOW DOES THIS SCAM KEEP WORKING? And if it never works, WHY must I clear 30 offers of MILLIONS out of my box while emails from Karen go directly into my SPAM?

5) I enjoy reading books by Sara Gran.

6) Today my own book feels like that HALLWAY in every horror movie, the one the person goes RUNRUNRUN-ing down, and the person can SEE the end, but the hallway keeps STRETCHING and STRETCHING and they never get there, and then something terrible eats them.

7) The something terrible that eats them is probably that New York rat.

Posted by joshilyn at November 20, 2008 8:34 AM

Since I don't watch horror movies, the endless hallway I first think of is the one from The Flintstones cartoon, where he passes the same picture and the same table four times. Likely the same difference, though.

And I agree with you about rats. I told husband that I will not go to NYC because of them, after CSI:NY had one eat the fatal bullet so they had to find it in a huge nest full.

Posted by: Judy at November 20, 2008 9:10 AM


Posted by: rams at November 20, 2008 9:15 AM

My new addition of Atlanta Magazine showed up in the mail yesterday and what did I find but TGWSS as a must read for the year! Congrats! And not even a mention of a rat...

Posted by: Tequila Cookie Chris at November 20, 2008 10:06 AM

Sounds like Novelist's Event Horizon to me. How far are you, anyway, Joss?

I love this post. So orderly, and yet... so random.

Posted by: Jess at November 20, 2008 10:20 AM

We are outlining a horror movie, but we do not have an endless hallway in it. Does that mean we are doomed to failure? Should we add a creature that will eat one of our characters IN a hallway? Or does the lack of hallway make us so original that Hollywood will be beating down our door? I don't know. THANKS.

Posted by: Aimee at November 20, 2008 10:50 AM

There was a long story about that kind of SPAM on THis American Life not long ago - amazing and weird story. You can hear it online at NPR. The episode is called The Enforcers.

Posted by: kcole at November 20, 2008 10:54 AM

LOL. Why does Simon seem like such a perfect (pet) rat name? The fella you saw was probably named Duane. (or Dwayne)

As for Patty/Gypsy, "told ya so." (And what about Laura Benanti ?!?)

Posted by: Elizabeth J at November 20, 2008 11:52 AM

Ooh, you brought it full circle back to rats again. Very impressive.

Good luck in the hallway of doom. Maybe you should open a window and let in some fresh air? Terrible people-eating things hate fresh air. It's a fact.

Posted by: Holly at November 20, 2008 12:02 PM

Awww, I had a Simon rat too :) And now a dog named Simon.

Posted by: Laura L at November 20, 2008 12:21 PM

Simon is definitely a mouse name. We had a bookstore mouse named Simon.

As for Ms. Lupone and Gypsy, it never stays open for years. I don't think people like to go back to it over and over. I saw Bernadette Peters as Mama, and I have never been so affected. It was pure theatre.

Posted by: dynagirl at November 20, 2008 3:54 PM

Actually, guinea pigs bite a lot. I had one named Ginger when I was 8 or 9 and she bit my older sister all the time. (Oh, how I loved that guinea pig ... !)

Ginger would go "wreet wreet wreet" when she was upset (kind of like the chipmunk of an earlier post), and to calm her down you scratched her on the nose.

Ginger must have gotten upset a lot, because she eventually had a big bald spot right between her eyes.

Posted by: firefly at November 20, 2008 5:09 PM

New York rats are SCARY.

Posted by: Nik at November 21, 2008 12:35 AM

God I could suddenly see the menacing rats of Ben and Willard. I have so now dated myself.

Posted by: Cele at November 21, 2008 12:55 AM

I believe Mr. New York Rat looked a bit like the fellow on this web site:

Posted by: Brigitte at November 21, 2008 5:11 AM

There is a song about that hallway by Poe called Five and a Half Minute Hallway. Okay, it's actually about the hallway in House of Leaves, but these hallways, they are much the same, and share many disturbing qualities. Except rats. I do no recall any rats in the Danielewksi-or-however-it's-spelled hallways.

Posted by: Alix R at November 21, 2008 8:09 AM

I know that hallway.

I am in that hallway RIGHT NOW.

At this point, it would even be comforting to see a rat in the hallway.

Posted by: Lisa at November 21, 2008 9:40 AM

I *worship* your blog.
Price of subscription to your blog = $0 : The reference to the 11.5 million dollar spam = PRICELESS!

Posted by: Bowdawg at November 21, 2008 3:21 PM

Hope you haven't been eaten by that rat yet!
On the spam email front, I couldn't resist digging this out to send to you - a guy in the UK actually entered into correspondence with one of those linguistically challenged spammers, and recorded the whole exchange for posterity, you can read it here and it will make you smile every time one pops in your mailbox.

Posted by: Rompompom at November 22, 2008 2:20 AM

Ya, I never have understood why those scams work. I hate rats too...except the cute ones that are little chefs. :)

Posted by: FringeGirl at November 22, 2008 1:32 PM

Sorry.....I kept thinking about the "Rat Song" from a very old an strange movie....and I can't remember the title for the life of me. Oh wait...I looked it up.... Ben.

Ben, the two of us need look no more,
We've both found what we were looking for.

I have Michael Jackson's creepy voice stuck in my head now. Seems like Ben is doing NYC now.

Posted by: Shannon at November 22, 2008 10:25 PM