October 23, 2008

Making the Woo Woo

Right now, outside my office window, there is a little chipmunk standing on top of the low brick wall that borders my small flower bed. All four of his legs are stiff, his feet are VERY firmly planted, and his spine is rigid. He is PUFFFFFFFFFING out his cheeks and making a high SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK! noise.

Inside my office, I am NOT writing a book. I am supposed to be, mind you, but I am not. I wonder why…

SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK!

INSTEAD of writing, I am RIGHTEOUSLY FIGHTING the almost overpowering urge to take Scott’s dad’s old pistol out of the gun safe and shoot me a chipmunk. We borrowed the gun as I have been learning how to shoot for this book. (I am shockingly great at it, although I have never tried to shoot an alive/moving target, and before this chipmunk, I never WANTED to. I was content to blow the EVERLIVING CRAP out of Pepsi 2 litres.) I am learning to shoot because my heroine, she likes, er, guns. *cough* And while sometimes, Dr. Freud, a cigar IS just a cigar, a gun is NEVER just gun. Rose knows her way around a pistol, is all I am saying.

Guns and love, in the South, they are as linked as salty peanuts and a coke. Even for me, today, indirectly, guns and love are linked; I am about to shoot a chipmunk for sitting outside my window and attempting, for HOURS ON END, to make a booty call. SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK! The noise and posture are meant to attract a lady-friend. SQUICK! is the chipmunk’s go to move, the rodential equivalent of “Come live with me and be my love.”

He has COMPLETELY failed to notice that it is AUTUMN.

No girl chipmunk is going to answer, because no girl to wants to interrupt a perfectly good hibernation with LABOR PAINS. He can stand out there and SQUICK! for all eternity, shading the squick to sound less like, “Let’s get this party started,” and more like, “Baby, it’s cold outside, we could just SNUGGLE…” No girl is going to buy it. We have ALL heard THAT line before. Sometimes a cigar IS just a cigar, but when a guy says, “Wanna snuggle,” you can take it to the bank that he is perpetrating a euphemism.

UPDATE: Fat Ginger, a cat who belongs to Next Door, heard the love song. She hauled her mighty girth up onto her pointy feet and started across the yard. She seemed perfectly willing to kill the chipmunk and eat him, as long as she didn’t have to, you know, RUN or BEND DOWN or SNEAK or anything tiring like THAT.

Ginger is getting old, and this must be what she does these days instead of good and proper stalking. This was more like an amble with murderous intent. The chipmunk saw her coming MILES off and stopped SQUICK!ing and went down his hole at a leisurely pace.

Ginger is now asleep on my porch, and I may actually get some work done, as long as she stays to put a damper on the chirrup-y wooing. Alas, when the kids Next Door get home, one of their chores is feeding Ginger. Any minute she will hear the sound of kibble hitting the bowl in their garage. She will heave herself up again and accelerate home at her top speed (a quasi-urgent joggling saunter). I best write while the writings good…

SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK! SQUICK!

Posted by joshilyn at October 23, 2008 3:25 PM
Comments

I love the amble with murderous intent...

Posted by: RuthWells at October 23, 2008 4:07 PM

Ruth stole my comment. . .so I'll say DITTO.

Posted by: Roxanne at October 23, 2008 5:46 PM

"but when a guy says, “Wanna snuggle,” you can take it to the bank that he is perpetrating a euphemism."

funniest sentence I've read all day. :)

Posted by: carrien (she laughs at the days) at October 23, 2008 9:53 PM

I love tis whole blog. I think I am Ginger. *sigh*
I also, really like to shoot guns. I was the second fastest person in college to assemble my .45 pistol. That I lost to a pimply career-intent male that had already been to OCS by a mere second didn't bother me. Had I opted to enlist, I think I could'a taken him the next year.

Posted by: JulieB at October 23, 2008 11:10 PM

Mad props for the Valley of the Dolls ref, Joss! Just recently bought a DVD of that movie, which came out when I was, er, a teenager. It was so deliciously cheesy and sexy. But I digress. Chipmunk sex. Now THAT would be distracting. Perpetrating a euphemism. Brills.

Posted by: Gail at October 23, 2008 11:34 PM

"UPDATE: Fat Ginger, a cat who belongs to Next Door, heard the love song. She hauled her mighty girth up onto her pointy feet and started across the yard. She seemed perfectly willing to kill the chipmunk and eat him, as long as she didn’t have to, you know, RUN or BEND DOWN or SNEAK or anything tiring like THAT.

Ginger is getting old, and this must be what she does these days instead of good and proper stalking. This was more like an amble with murderous intent."

I swear, you are going to make my husband kill me. I just woke him up ~ again! ~ while reading your blog in bed and simultaneously trying to stifle my guffaws next to The Sleeping King.

I should know better than to attempt reading your entries. He just raised one eyebrow at me, gurgled something unintelligable, and rolled away. I am going to pay for this tomorrow. I just know it.

*snort* *giggle* *snort*

Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll just want to snuggle with me.

Posted by: Kim at October 24, 2008 1:19 AM

"UPDATE: Fat Ginger, a cat who belongs to Next Door, heard the love song. She hauled her mighty girth up onto her pointy feet and started across the yard. She seemed perfectly willing to kill the chipmunk and eat him, as long as she didn’t have to, you know, RUN or BEND DOWN or SNEAK or anything tiring like THAT.

Ginger is getting old, and this must be what she does these days instead of good and proper stalking. This was more like an amble with murderous intent."

I swear, you are going to make my husband kill me. I just woke him up ~ again! ~ while reading your blog in bed and simultaneously trying to stifle my guffaws next to The Sleeping King.

I should know better than to attempt reading your entries while he sleeps. He just raised one eyebrow at me, gurgled something unintelligible, and rolled away. I am going to pay for this tomorrow. I just know it.

*snort* *giggle* *snort*

Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll just want to snuggle with me.

Posted by: Kim at October 24, 2008 1:21 AM

Squick? http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=squick

:P

Posted by: Lia at October 24, 2008 1:35 AM

Hmmm. If you plug up his chipmunk hideaway with walnuts, he'd have to EAT his way out, then he might be too fat and tired to SQUICK (I was going to say his "chipmunk hole", but that conjured up a different image).

Posted by: Brigitte at October 24, 2008 5:17 AM

Good luck with the writing!

Posted by: Nik at October 24, 2008 6:23 AM

Maybe the Chipmunk is a messenger from on high. Is Jesus trying to tell you something? Maybe the Chipmunk is trying to find his way into your book. Or maybe the Chipmunk has Seasonal Affective Disorder or a Brain Tumor that has confused his Biological Clock so that he ticks (squicks) when he should tock..

Posted by: parrotzmom at October 24, 2008 6:23 AM

LOL - as I read this and the gun/love connection with the south, I chuckled thinking of a time on maternity leave when the neighbors dog came into our yard, every morning - early - barking -at nothing. I was so aggrivated one morning, after very little sleep. I got up, grabbed a pistol, proceeded to the porch to scare off the flea infested mongrol. I shot the gun(just to scare hime). The sound under the porch ruined more hearing for the morning. Which was great, because the dog just looked at me and started barking again- and I couldn't really hear him!

Love the chipmunk tale!

Posted by: lailani at October 24, 2008 11:01 AM

ROFL Squick. TOTALLY adding that to my vocabulary.

Posted by: Tina-cious.com at October 24, 2008 11:35 AM

I'm hoping I'm wrong, but maybe he was squicking at you in that guys speak way that says, "Hey, Baby, wanna snuggle?"

Posted by: Cele at October 25, 2008 2:03 AM

Your entry, as well as the chipmunk that lives outside my bedroom window and begins SQUICKING at full volume before the sun rises (and that squicks until late afternoon) got me curious. I wondered what she wanted, and I found this on National Geographic's webside:

"Their shrill, repeated, birdlike chirp is usually made upon sensing a threat but is also thought to be used as a mating call by females"

Either there are a lot of unseen threats, or your squicker is a girl. Nothing I've read, though, indicates they should be mating right now (Aug. is the last of the mating season); they are probably defending territory and housing for winter (maybe?).

Just thought I'd share.

Posted by: Kate at October 25, 2008 2:17 PM

You're the only person I know that can make a chipmonk in heat sound like an interesting first chapter to a book!

Posted by: desi at October 25, 2008 5:17 PM

Ok, I know I'm waaaay behind the times, but I just wanted to say that I just finished TGWSS and it was HAWSUM. Thank you, Joss. You rock, woman.

Posted by: Dory at October 25, 2008 9:58 PM