October 18, 2008

Udderly Delightful

OKAY, thank you for the sleep recs. I am going to start at the top with rescue remedy and work my way DOWN through everything non-prescription until I get to the suggestion to STOP DRINKING WINE, at which point I will go selectively BLIND and simply refuse to see that. You say wine, and my eyes will read “Toast” and I will think, AH! VERY WISE and eat my bread cold.

Since my children are selectively DEAF, I have a template for learning selective sensory stoppage. For example, I am now going to say to you with a straight face that I TRULY thought someone would tell me to stop horking down the Starbuckses and other caffeine laden things, but of course NO ONE DID. NOT ONE OF YOU. Do we understand each other? (Yes, in the same way that winter kitty is a VERB, a starbucks is a noun. It is ANY hella overpriced caloriffic beverage at Starbucks. So you say, “Want to go get a starbucks?” if you want a cocoa mojo double caramel sugar-death frozen delight, and “Want to go get a coffee?” of you want, you know, coffee. And yes, that is the correct plural form, as in, “Oh HECKS-YA, let’s go get Starbuckses!)

I have to say, the full moon went poof, and the sleeping HAS been better. Not perfect, but better. so all you Lunar-tics may be ON to something.

Last night I went to a VERRA VERRA posh library fundraiser at CALLENWALDE Center for fine arts. It was SO posh I got to de-bag my NEW YORK SHOES for occasion.

Ungortunately, the BALLET FLATS all summer have SPOILED me. I never got my feet all silky smooth for sandals…SO. I had to create an emergency callous assault to ready my feet for their enconsement in the One True Slingbacks.

EVERYONE, including my husband and Karen Abbott MOCKED ME RELENTLESSLY as I extolled the virtues of UDDER CREAM in a quick fix foot regimen. Yes, that IS exactly what it sounds like: a VILE medicinal smelling solvent put on cow teats to prevent chafing during milking. ANYWAY, I did the usual soak, sugar scrub routine, and the pumice and lotion thing, but my feet were beyond these helps. I had to move to OPERARTION FARM PRODUCT to salvage them.

AFTER sugar scrubbing, I SLATHERED my feet in this stuff, wrapped them in Saran Wrap, and then put on thick spa socks to hold the wrap in place and let them marinate ALL DAY. I then repeated the entire thing beforte bed and slept like that. Karen mocked me RELENTLESSLY, calling me “Boobie-feet,” and such, BUT OH I had SUCH princess-like hydrated callous free LUMINOUS toes, I can’t EVEN tell you. They WERE like boobie-feet, but in, erm, you know, the good way.

I preened my feet around at the event and was QUITE disgusting and full of my….well not self, exactly. But shoes. FULL OF MY SHOES. They are costume shoes in a way, not something I ever wear in my “real” life. They are strictly for when I dress up and pretend to be an author.

I have had a very NON DUAL life for a while as I have been holed up drafting, driving to Starbucks in fanstasy pants, and at home not bothering to get out of pajamas, but last night, sipping cosmos and teetering around on glamour-feet and yapping about the arts was definitely from the OTHER side of things. I realized how regular this has become, for me to go from one to the other without noticing when a rather posh lady asked me what I was doing this weekend.

Me: OH it’s the powder springs fest!
Her: Oh. Um, What…what do you do there?
Me: You go in Bouncy castles. And eat CORN DOGS.

AFter that I told EVERYONE about Powder Springs fest, and I think a lot of them were like me in that they had REALLY put on the dog that night, and we'd all get the giggles because for most of us, corn dogs are real life.

SO anyway I better go: jeans with ballet flats and MAYBE EVEN PONY RIDES await me and my children, who are longing to get liquored up on grease and sugar.

PS! now Karen wants to know where to buy UDDER CREAM so she can have boobie-feet too. Any farm supply store I told her, and she said, OH RIGHT! I BET THERE’S ONE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF CENTRAL PARK, in chilly tones.

And here she thought Manhattan had EVERYTHING.

Posted by joshilyn at October 18, 2008 12:36 PM

Leaving now for Tractor Supply. Yes, I called ahead and checked inventory for Udder Cream. Never thought I would make such a phone call. Excuse me, but do you have Udder Cream? Well, Heck yea. We are Tractor Supply...
Who Knew? Joshilyn!! Thank you

Posted by: jean at October 18, 2008 12:48 PM

Me, I like unrefined Shea Butter.

The jar label says: African Gold Shea Butter then underneath in small letters: Martha's vineyard & Costa Rica


But it works well and is only a little funky smelling.

Posted by: hollygee at October 18, 2008 1:28 PM

They actually have Udder Cream at Walmart. Do they have Walmart in Manhattan?

Posted by: Laura F at October 18, 2008 2:08 PM

Shoes = to.die.for.

Posted by: pam at October 18, 2008 3:09 PM

The Farm Store. I am SO there. I need boobie feet too.

Posted by: Katrina Stonoff at October 18, 2008 4:22 PM

Udder Cream can be purchased at Target, too! I love that it's non-greasy, which is something that many lotions SAY but they do not truly mean it. I've used it for my hands for years now, and it's the bestest thing ever. (And you can get it in the lotion section, because now they make it for human-people as well as cows.)

I think the full moon got to me as well, as I had about three nights of sleeplessness (pretty much completely), which led to three days of stressfulness. Grrr.

Posted by: jess at October 18, 2008 4:44 PM

Is it actually called Udder Cream at Target and Walmart? I totally need that! Thanks for the tip, Joshilyn!! I wish you would have taken a picture of your fancy feet!

Posted by: Louisianablues at October 18, 2008 7:36 PM

And to think there's something even more defiantly agrarian than Bag Balm.

Posted by: rams at October 18, 2008 7:59 PM

*Snicker* Boobie feet.

So funny. And yet... I too want boobie feet. Thanks for the tip.

Posted by: nik at October 19, 2008 3:44 AM

I've never tried my Bag Balm on my feet, I only have used it to make burns leave no scar. Oh sure, it says NOT TO on the container, but it works! I now have a hard time finding the mark from when I managed to burn half of the back of my hand on the oven element (yes, I am Mensan, why do you ask?).

Posted by: Brigitte at October 19, 2008 7:33 AM

They do actually make a lotion to remove calluses, but udder cream is amazing. Now that you are callous free, you might go find a salon that does parafin dips and get your feet, elbows, and hands done. Divine.

Posted by: Cele at October 19, 2008 12:41 PM

i use bag balm -- same sort of thing as udder cream - it goes on ouchie teats and ouchie feets. you can get 29 gabillion gallons of it at costco for $.03. If you get the wee bitty can of it at a sewing shop, it costs $7.99 for the wee bitty can.

Posted by: kristen at October 19, 2008 2:19 PM

You can order Udder Cream from Amazon. I ordered several for Christmas presents!

Posted by: Mary Craig Puntney at October 20, 2008 10:42 AM

Yes you can buy Udder cream at Wal-mart or Target or many other similar establishments. I'm not sure where hubby buys his. He is a serious cyclist and uses it as a chamois cream. It comes in a round cow print container.

I've never thought to use it on my feet but will try that. My OB recommends it to help prevent stretch marks so I have been rubbing it on my ever growing belly (just 10 weeks to go). Don't know if it actually works but doesn't hurt to try.

Posted by: Patti D. at October 20, 2008 1:28 PM

Oh, totally forgot: NO COFFEE AFTER 2 PM!!!!!! Another thing I use sometimes is calms forte http://www.calmsforte.com/ Works like camomile tea without all the have to get up to pee 20 min after you have FINALLY dropped off.

Another wonderful product for restoring skin ailments like tuff callousy footsies is Egyptian Magic http://www.egyptianmagic.com/ I even use it as hair gel sometimes, it's the only thing that doesn't make my scalp breakout.

Posted by: Melissa at October 20, 2008 1:34 PM

Oh, well, since I put the do not drink toast (only a few days a month, mind you) comment in, I will also add that I do drink toast more since I also started drinking soy milk. I added that (usually a few days before I needed to stop drinking the toast) and I also switched to taking baby asperine (because it is orange-flavored and was my first drug of choice).
The reason? I was getting a massive head-ache once a month. This NIPPED IT IN THE BUD. I Swear. I continued this for about four months and actually noticed that things tended to start balancing out. This month, I totally forgot, and didn't get a headache. *shrug* Just a suggestion.

Posted by: JulieB at October 20, 2008 2:19 PM

My MIL swears by bag balm for diaper rash. Insisted I use it when my kids were babies. Instantly made the rash a million times worse (and irritated my skin). Luckily diapers are a distant memory. Perhaps my delicate skin can handle udder cream :)

Posted by: Laura L at October 24, 2008 12:11 PM