October 1, 2008

A Short Series of Epic Fails

1) We’ve been significantly short on gas for about a week and a half. THANKS MR. HURRICANE! As if you had not done enough for us already, what with all the mindless destruction...Most stations are out of gas, and as soon as one gets a delivery there are instant lines at that station until they are dry again. Tanker trucks coming into the area often have a trail of cars following them to see where they are going to deliver, hoping to get 10 gallons or whatever ration the station is passing out.

In theory things were sposed to be better this week, but now we are halfway through this week. And here is a picture of the Kroger this morning. Wheeee!


2) Did anyone notice the whole total enormous gallumphing financial crisis? That thing you just heard galloping south on panicky stampede feet? That may have been the economy.

Tucked among the cialis and enlargement ads, today I found this note in my in-box:


Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully
Minister of Treasury Paulson

3) I bring to your attention these enormous messes affecting thouands and millions respectively, before slipping in a TEENY word about a minor snafu that may slightly affect a few hundred. *cough*

SO. The mailing list launched. HEH. And here we understand the word “launched” to mean “nose dived, crashed, burned up in a fire, and then wolves ate the ashes, and the ashes made them sick, and now my office is full of metaphorical ash-yacking wolves.”

First of all, it only went out to about a third of the mailing list. The other two thirds came back, with an error message that boiled down to “You have too many recipients.” ALSO the third or so that DID get the mailing ALL got each other’s email addies. WHOOPS! That was SET to be blind. But not CORRECTLY set to be blind. Apparently.

Please do not sell each other’s addies to the Cialis people. Or Secretary Paulson.

BACK THE DRAWING BOARD. Meanwhile, here is the winner's list from the mailing list sign up drawing, and all winners have been contacted indiviually:

Signed SIN THE THE SECOND CITY by Karen Abbott: Luann M.
Signed WATER FOR ELEPHANTS, by Sara Gruen: Elena G.
Signed AWESOME by Jack Pendarvis: Ben N.
Signed ARC of THE LITTLE GIANT OF ABERDEEN COUNTY by Tiffany Baker: Kathy H.
Signed THE WAIT by Frank Turner Hollon: Thomas G.
Signed EVERY CROOKED POT by Renee Rosen: Jenifer M.
BETWEEN. GEORGIA, signed, with a FOX DOLL: ingmund, Deborah, Sheryl D.
THE GIRL WHO STOPPED SWIMMING signed first eds (2): Mary Craig P, Amy F.

Posted by joshilyn at October 1, 2008 7:38 AM

Hurricane ike, which caused your gas problem, gave us a giant windstorm all the way in louisville, ky. Folks here, and off towards Indy and Cincy, were without power for up to two weeks from all the trees down. Thanks to Ike, we'll be going to school an extra week in May/June. (If they still have school, what with the great financial cliff we're falling off...)

Posted by: dramamama at October 1, 2008 8:40 AM

I know I should be making some wise and cogent comment on the gas shortage, what's happening (or not happening) with the bailout and the economy in general, but I'm sorry - I just can't focus. I WON A FOX DOLL!!!!

And, yes, my Mother did teach me not to boast or gloat or any of those rude things, but that's all flown out the window.



And a signed copy of Between, which means that the copy I already own will be going to a lucky recipient.

Plus I have to do something super nice for someone else. This requires a HUGE pay it forward! Thanks again.

P.S. I didn't get anyone else's mail addresses, but even if I had, I'm super paranoid about passing them along to others.

P.P.S. I already replied to the e-mail thanking you, Joshilyn, and I repeat that one hundredfold, but I also need to thank Miss Maisy. Thank your little blindfolded, skewer-stabbing, cute as a bug in a rug pea-pickin' heart!

Posted by: Deborah P at October 1, 2008 10:03 AM

I'd be mad that I didn't win anything, but sadly, I'm too busy hyperventilating and dying at the thought of Phil Gramm at Treasury. Save us, Obi Wan Kenobi. You're the only one who can. And if not, there's always Amsterdam. I hear they have great health care.

Posted by: Aimee at October 1, 2008 10:56 AM

Nice try with the distractions, but all I read was "You didn't win." I may as well send all my savings to Paulson.

Sorry about the gas shortage - that sounds frustrating!

Posted by: Holly at October 1, 2008 11:23 AM

I've lost count of Apocolyptic Signs. I think we're probably at 6. If we haven't already surpassed.
Here in NYC one of them is the presence of a Duane Reade [drug store chain] and bank [usually Chase] on EVERY SINGLE CORNER. And why keep opening more banks? No one has any money.

Sorry for the bummer tone, but *I* did *not* win a fox doll. or anything else, and this is the saddest news of all. :(

Posted by: Elizabeth J at October 1, 2008 11:54 AM

Republic of America? Poor Paulson sounds a bit...er...stressed ; )
Joss, you're too honest. You should have posted thanking everyone who was mis-mailed for taking part in the "beta testing phase" of your mailing list and being part of an exclusive group that helped you "identify bugs at this early stage".
Then when Scott's all done tweaking the code you could roll out the "polished version" for launch.
*grins wickedly* It seems to work for game companies.
The post was comedy gold though, as ever.

Posted by: Rompompom at October 1, 2008 12:06 PM

I can't be too aggrieved over not winning anything when you put it like that.

No gas, no economy. Let's go back to bed...

(Somehow, you keep us afloat. This blog is one of the perks of rising early each morning. Thanks.)

Posted by: Lisa Milton at October 1, 2008 12:18 PM

i'm so sad ... not only did i not win, but i was on the did-not-receive list.


Posted by: the planet of janet at October 1, 2008 3:02 PM

I did not receive anything either. I am so sorry about the unwell inhabitants of your office! I hope that it becomes tidy soon. And that you don't get in trouble for feeding noxious substances to an endangered species.

See, if Jimmy Stewart worked on Wall Street, he would've talked to all those panicking people and some of them would've gone away with just enough to buy gas. And the whole thing would still have gone pfui.

Posted by: Diane (TT) at October 1, 2008 3:10 PM

Okay, you're scaring me. And the truly scary thing is that I'm now slightly more worried about starting a mailing list in the next few months than I am about all those guys up there trying (?) to figure out the financial crisis. Maybe because I (supposedly) have some control over the mailing thingy?

Good luck. We'll all be patient with you, because it could be us someday. :)

Posted by: Becky Levine at October 1, 2008 8:00 PM

I also did not receive anything from the e-mail list.

Posted by: jeninlb at October 1, 2008 8:27 PM

Elena G. is currently without internet access, so I'll send her an email to her work address. This is totally going to make her day!

Posted by: Leandra at October 1, 2008 9:50 PM

Dear Joshilyn,

I regret to inform you that you mailing list has another error, you list Deborah P as the recipient of the fox doll. I believe it was actually mine. Just sayin.

However, I did get a true chuckle at the visionof ash-yaking-wolves. Thank you.

Posted by: JulieB at October 1, 2008 9:51 PM

Not only are you a best selling author but you are vitally important to the Republic of America. Who can ask for more.

Congrats to the winners!

Posted by: Nik at October 2, 2008 3:47 AM

Well, you WERE able to notify the winners (sadly not me), so it can't have been a completely epic fail! ;-)

Posted by: Brigitte at October 2, 2008 10:18 AM

I'm listed as a winner of a signed first edition of TGWSS, which I'm thrilled to receive. However, I didn't receive an email notice from you. It may be due to my last name, could have been mispelled (which happens alot). It's Punt (like punting a football)ney. The first 'n' gets dropped alot. Anyway I think that may have happened. What do I do now?

Mary Craig (yes, my parents blessed me with that middle name)

Posted by: Mary Craig Puntney at October 2, 2008 11:50 AM

A whoo-hoo for this post. Shannon

Posted by: Going Crunchy at October 2, 2008 1:32 PM

Nope. Nada. Zilch. That's a complete description of all the things I won. I'm positive that Miss Maisy (may she forever skewer) poked my name for a least two items, one of which was DEFINITELY THE FOX DOLL, but I'm sure that Miss Maisy (may she forever skewer)was bumped by your disease-ridden, medication-overloaded and generally ill carcass, Joshilyn. Miss Maisy (may she forever skewer) most definitely meant to poke MY NAME!!!

So there. Nyaaah.

Posted by: Chrissie at October 2, 2008 4:28 PM