September 27, 2008

Notes from the Doom-Bed

I have been so sick for 3 days now I haven’t worked at all. I’ve eaten little pecks of dry kashi vive cereal and parceled my time into wildly exciting activities like moaning, watching season one of Mad Men, feeling self-pity, asking Scott to rummage around the kitchen and the medicine cabinet and the dark alleys of downtown Atlanta and find me better drugs, and sleeping. That’s JUUUST about all I have done.

But yesterday, spurred by your comments and the way I can see all faith and hope leaking out of you as if you were a rear tire with a nail in you, I had Scott print out the names of the GORGEOUS HUNDREDS of you who gorgeously signed up for the mailing list just as if you ACTUALLY BELIEVED there might someday be a mailing list.

Then, utilizing the methodology I had promised, I gathered Maisy, a wooden skewer, and a BUTT UGLY silk tie someone gave Scott as a present to wear eight years ago, on the night when that Prince song finally came true. In other words, it was a New Years Eve tie that had little 1999’s and 2000’s prancing about in a wavy print. ( I use the past tense here, deliberately, saying it HAD these things because it no longer HAS anything. I assume it is shreds in a landfill, because ‘blindfold’ was its final job. As soon as Maisy had completed her stab-drawing, I told the tie, “Two thousand zero zero, party over, you are out of time,” and I stuffed it down into the trash.) ANYWAY, I assembled all these things, and then I lay the six sheets of names out on the floor in a grid. It looked like this.


THEN I spun Maisy about all willy nilly and told her to LEAN forward from the waist and stab down…then said OH CRAP really loud and grabbed her arm and stopped her before tragedy ensued and SOMEONE lost ANOTHER eye. Typical cat, standing in the dead middle of the VERY thing you want to stab with a skewer…


BUT I got him shifted out of the way and she stabbed ten times, and I TOLD her to stab randomly---she did a good job. The names came from a variety of the six papers. I include this pic mostly because I like how Boggart is peeking from the stairs down to the basement, as if wondering if he has time to get in on the “being accidentally stabbed by a blindfolded first grader” action.


SO---We have a DATABASE. You see it in the photo above, printed out and lying on the floor.

AND---We have CONTENT. I promised to send the names of the winners and as you can see, we have all ten winners stabbed out.

It seems like (Database) + (content) SHOULD = (mailing list). And yet I am BLOGGING this. Not sending out a MAILING LIST MAIL. SO perhaps you have gathered that PERHAPS there is not QUITE a mailing list. Yet.

Correct. There is NOT. I blame Lani Diane Rich, because HER mailing list comes out GREEN with a DAISY on it, and it doesn’t look like a POO, which is what my TEST mailing looked like. In fact, I thought about titling it “A POO LOOKING THING FROM JOSHILYN WITH DEEPLY FELT APOLOGETIC FEELINGS,” because I felt full disclosure was the best policy. In this case, I was disclosing that I was well aware that my mailing looked like a poo and I was sorry.

But I couldn’t do it. I balked. My fingers hovered on the keys, but the end, they refused to hit send on a poo-looking thing. SO I went and woke up Mr. Husband to work to make it NOT look like a poo. He is doing it RIGHT NOW, writing code at 7 am on a SATURDAY, Best Beloveds, because he loves me. Or maybe he loves YOU. After all, YOU did not wake him up and say, PLEASE MAKE MY MAIL LOOK PRETTY?

EITHER WAY. Soon there will be mail. Betcha. Probably. Maybe as soon as Tomorrow! Or MONDAY. It could HAPPEN.

DIGRESSION: It has come to my attention, Lo! These many weeks later, that a lot of people took the time to send me COURTEOUS NOTES saying lovely things about my blog or, even better, my books, when signing up for the mailing list.

ALAS, I did not respond or even know about 99% of these. The notes went to the mailing list and the mailing list is MOSTLY Scott and some code and a lot of THEORY and HOPE. WHen I realized this had happened I read a few of them and tried to answer but then I realized I could ONLY answer FROM the mailing list address, and that people would likely ANSWER my answer back to the mailing list address, which goes to Scott and I was starting a big mess that would never resolve.

SO! IF you sent me a lovely note when you signed up, I appreciate it, and I am not an ungrateful baggage who is ignoring you. I likely did not see it. A few were CC’ed to my real addy, like the one from Dianna which signed up after the BETWEEN FOXES went up as a prize. Hers said:

“I haiku'd for a fox doll once upon a time.
Here I am, now that you're holding them over the balcony like pop-star babies.

I am SO glad I did not miss that. POP STAR BABIES. ZING!

Anyway, I am sure I missed a lot of other things I didn’t want to miss…If you want to say something to me, I DO read and answer about 80% of my email. The rest Microsoft decides is junk and helpfully discards for me, while forwarding 20 or 30 messages about CIALIS a day and ALSO letting through the plaintive missives of Mr. Simon Bontasabi who truly believes that the good Lord has led him to me as he dies upon his dying bed and he wishes so kindly to seek my assist in the small financial of to move 20 millions of dollars from his undisclosed country to my own, so that for purposes of commission I may keeping 20%. THOSE I get. Thanks Bill Gates!

Also, I always read the comments. Always. In fact, like most bloggers, I check the blog about 50 times a day to see if I have any new ones. SO. Granted, those sometimes ALSO get weeded out by Microsoft, and about every 3 weeks or so I go dig through and approve all the REAL comments it spaminated.

I love technology. When it works.

Posted by joshilyn at September 27, 2008 7:53 AM

So glad you are feeling better, Joshilyn. If for nothing else than to stop having to eat gravel, I mean Kashi vive. Thanks to Maisy the Magnificent for not impaling the cat and for hopefully, pointing to my name! I'll be waiting on pins and needles (well, not really, there IS a lot of excellent college football on today - Auburn, LSU, etc)for the email re-coded by Brilliant Mr. Husband...who works on the weekends, too!

Maybe you should have saved the tie to give as a consolation prize? Then again, maybe not.

Stay well!

Posted by: Elise at September 27, 2008 9:04 AM

Maisy is darling...

Posted by: Lisa Milton at September 27, 2008 10:45 AM

Can't wait, am pressing "refresh" on email every five minutes. And NOT because I'm avoiding editing either!

Ok. That's a lie.

Posted by: Heather Cook at September 27, 2008 1:16 PM

this is the first time I've been able to read in blogdom all week and I get the joy and discomboobulation of a sick Joss. Get better girlfriend and take some echineasia

Posted by: Cele at September 27, 2008 1:31 PM

Do you realize that today (9/27) is National
A Bunnies Day? (well, national rabbit day, but i can never say that plain ole word anymore.

I'll be watching for my winning mail, but I bet that since I answered you so early, my name was way up in the corner of a page and didn't get stabbed. *sigh*

Posted by: Sequana at September 27, 2008 3:56 PM

You have GOT to stop feeling sick so very frequently girl! Oh, is it just that time zips by so quickly that it seems frequently. Even if infrequently - STOP IT!

Loved the little photo story of Paper, pricker, and pussycats. I was gonna shorten that last word but somehow that looked very, very wrong and SPAM-ish in print.

Posted by: Laume at September 27, 2008 4:28 PM

OH -- the mail list is now in alphabetical order so WHEN you sent in had no bearing on page placement. ALSO -- there was some SERIOUS stabbing afield going on. Twice she missed the papers altogether and stabbed sidecarpet. It was as random as humanly and felinely possible. The main issue is, HUNDREDS of names, ten prizes.

Posted by: Joshilyn at September 27, 2008 5:12 PM

Hahaha.....I'm quite certain I won't be one of the winners, but most times, reading your blog is a prize in and of itself. I find I often have to read your posts to friends of mine who don't (can you imagine??) get online and read blogs!!! Sometimes I laugh so hard when reading your posts to them that they ask what the heck I'm SAYING and what the heck is SO funny. But.....I know you're funny, so that's all that matters!

Glad you saved the cat from a rather prickly situation!

Posted by: Pat at September 27, 2008 9:57 PM

I have no chance of winning any prizes as I didn't know about it in time to get on the list. But I must agree with Pat. Your blog is a prize-a real treat that never fails to put a smile on my face. I love going through the archives.

Your daughter and kitties are adorable!

Posted by: garnet4earth at September 28, 2008 10:38 AM

So, I know that you live in the South and therefore have no recycling (and fabric recycling is only available in a few places even in the North), but SINCE you are in the South, there is also a huge number of church youth groups. All of this is about the landfilling of the tie - which hit me in the eyeball, which goes to show that You Never Know what people are going to react to.

Perhaps there is a youth group in your area that makes ugly quilts for the homeless, and could use any future ties that must be discarded.

And you and Maisy are both adorable and I'm glad the cats remained puncture-free and I hope that you feel better soon!

Posted by: Diane (TT) at September 28, 2008 12:43 PM

OMG woman you has de funnies here! This post made me laugh out loud more than once, even though I am at work on a Sunday slaving away on an extra-huge, extra-rush, high-priority and high-visibility project that is making me nauseous if I stop to think about it all. Gah.

Thanks so much for the narrative and photos and everything. I needed that.

Also? Am so glad you are feeling better. And more also? Cheers for the superhusband! And kids and cats!

Posted by: Lulu at September 28, 2008 1:19 PM

Ah, the universal law of cat/paper attraction! Our kitty actually hoards the paper by gathering it all up under him. Then he rips and bites it. I took pictures of him doing it, just in case the kids need proof that their cat ate their homework.

Glad you're feeling better. I sure hope it wasn't anything like the stomach bug going around my area!

Posted by: Laura L at September 28, 2008 6:09 PM

I enjoyed the post so much that by the end I'd forgotten you'd been sick. Hope you're on the mend.

Posted by: JulieB at September 28, 2008 10:00 PM

I agree with do come up with terribly funny posts when you're ill. Or perhaps that's the Benadryl talking?? Whatever it is...don't stop!

Posted by: Tammy at September 28, 2008 10:37 PM

Starvation and meds do make for funny posts. And didn't I warn you about the dangers of blindfolded, dizzy children with pointy sticks?

I was reading a book recently that mentioned this site: - the critters on there made me think of some zombie version of your fox doll. *I* was amused, anyway.

Posted by: Brigitte at September 29, 2008 6:25 AM

I'm very glad Schubert's other eye didn't get poked. What is it with cats and paper? I'm a crossword fanatic, and all of my crossword books have bite marks in them. Weird little creatures, they are.

Posted by: Aimee at September 29, 2008 10:45 AM

That second picture is priceless -- you can almost hear OH CRAP when you see it.

I have a cat who so has to be in the middle of everything he is known as The Supervisor. Has jumped into the washer and the dryer (fortunately not when operating) and would like to get in the dishwasher except for that spiny-looking rack thing in there.

He's why we just gave up and started keeping the toilet lid closed in between visits.

Posted by: firefly at October 1, 2008 5:23 PM