September 15, 2008

Roasted Marachinos

My friend Lydia called me on Saturday night, and my son answered the phone.

Lydia: Oh, hi Sam. Is your mom around?
Sam: No, she’s not.
Lydia: Is she out of town or is she just out?
Sam: She’s out dating.

HEE! I don’t think that sounded dirty in his HEAD. I don’t even think it sounded dirty to him once it was spoken, quite frankly. But Lord. I was NOT Out dating. I was out on a date with my husband, which is a small but important distinction, especially if you are the husband in question.

We had the BEST time. It was a for real date where I wore blue satin ballet flats and lip gloss and he wore an ironed shirt and dress pants and we got a sitter and we held hands all through a movie and then had hibachi dinner at our favorite Japanese place.

The movie we chose was BURN AFTER READING because we are huge Coen brothers fans and would basically shell out 10 bucks each to see a series of Toyota Tundra commercials in the theatre if the Coens had written and directed them. This is a true fact, even though I hate THE TOYATO TUNDRA with a violent burning passion, and if you have one, I am sorry, but YOU DO NOT NEED A MCSUPERSIZED TRUCK. You do not. Unless you are a professional LOG HAULER or somesuch and you actually do, in which case, fine, but accept that your truck is ugly and has all the maneuverability of a trash barge AND is so tall one almost ran over my van at Target today.

But back to the movie… It’s very good, as long as you don’t think about it too hard. I think the movie is MOSTLY about marriage, and it has a bleaker view of humanity and the possibilities of connecting than NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. That said, it is SO funny you do not notice it has totally thrown its hands up in despair over the future of humanity until after, when you talk it over during dinner.

Anyway, we sat down in our seats for the 5:05 show and I said, “I can’t wait to see Brad Pitt get EATEN BY A HIPPO.”

I did not actually SAY I couldn’t wait to see Brad Pitt get eaten by a hippo. I said I couldn’t wait to see Brad Pitt …SOMETHING ELSE NOT AT ALL HIPPO RELATED. I do not, however, wish to SPOIL the film for anyone, so we are going to substitute GET EATEN BY A HIPPO for the thing I actually said.

Scott said, “Brad Pitt is not going to get eaten by a hippo,” in dismissive tones.
I said, “OH YES HE WILL TOO. He will be eaten by a hippo and it will be AWESOME.
Scott said, in infuriatingly certain tones, “He will NOT.”

“Wanna BET?” I said.
He said, “It depends. Do you have insider trading script info? Have you been reading spoilers?”

I had not. I have been looking forward to this film for a MONTH and was desperately afraid someone would spoil it for me before I could see it. I didn’t even cruise by because I was scared some quasi-spoiler would be on the front page.

I am one of those people who can’t STAND to be told too much about movies or books…I even think being told “It has SUCH an awesome twist at the end” is oversharing, because historically, when I have been told that, I spend the whole movie thinking like a writer and plot dissecting instead of enjoying it, and usually before the movie is half over I have figured out the twist and written it down on a scrap of purse paper to show Scott after. I am right about 75% of the time, and the other 25%, we often think MY twist idea is better, or they cheated and the twist is not possible given some things that came earlier.

Anyway, I said to Scott, “I have NO insider info, but I feel in my heart he will be eaten by a hippo. Take the bet?”

It was agreed that if I was right, he would have to buy me Tropical Vacation Drink after. He said, “What one,” and I said, “I do not care as long as it comes in a hollowed out pineapple and has a plastic mermaid on the rim and umbrellas and a live beta fish swimming around under the ice. I want a TRULY FANCY COCKTAIL. Like triple girled out. It should be PINK or PEACH in color, and cherries impailed on plastic dueling swords are MANDATORY.” We shook on it.

Anyway, about HALFWAY through the film….Brad Pitt TOTALLY gets eaten by a hippo. (No he doesn’t, obviously, but the un-hippo-related thing I SAID would happen, happened, exactly as I said it would.)

This is what I got:


No plastic mermaid, but there were hula girls on the rim, and see that VOLCANO in the center with the fruit on it? When it came? That was ON FIRE. So.

I love winning.

Posted by joshilyn at September 15, 2008 6:09 PM

I so want that drink!

Posted by: michellle m. at September 15, 2008 6:16 PM

I split a drink with my best friend that came in that same container! I think they called it a Volcano or something silly, but there was honest-to-Pete flame coming out of that center mountain -- I hope yours was as fun as ours was!

And there's something about the mental image of Brad Pitt being eaten by a hippo that makes me just roll around on the floor cackling like a mad woman. Somebody please write that movie?

Posted by: Beth at September 15, 2008 6:21 PM


Good thing Brad was eaten by a hippo.

Posted by: Mir at September 15, 2008 7:03 PM

We had a date this weekend, was SO nice that I have decided I would like to live in a world where I get to be on a date with my husband EVERY MINUTE. And my date didn't even include a hula girl drink. But there was wine. And singing pirates. Hand to God.

You and Kevin should go to movies together...he always makes the most outlandish predictions, and he's almost always right! I stopped betting him hula girls years ago...

Posted by: Amy-Go at September 15, 2008 7:10 PM

I was concerned that such a drink does not exist. You came mighty close.

Posted by: Lisa Milton at September 15, 2008 7:33 PM

You crack me up. I no longer want to see the movie because I will be utterly disappointed that Brad Pitt does not actually get eaten by a hippo.

Posted by: holly at September 15, 2008 8:07 PM

Yeah, now I want to see Brad Pitt get eaten by a hippo too. Maybe we should have a petition...

Posted by: alala at September 16, 2008 9:00 AM

Nothing would make me happier than to see Brad Pitt get eaten by a hippo! (Along the lines of Beth's comment, you should totally write that movie. I'd pay $10 to see it. And then I'd send you a big fat tip for writing a movie in which BRAD PITT GETS EATEN BY A HIPPO.)

I was really looking forward to seeing Burn but now that there is no hippo having a Brad-snack, I have no interest in seeing it.

Posted by: tuli at September 16, 2008 9:37 AM

Yes. A film in which Brad Pitt gets eaten by a hippo would be a VERY great thing, indeed. It would be especially great if Angelina Jolie could get eaten TOO.

I can't wait to see Burn After Reading, and will possibly see it this weekend. And I totally agree with you about NOT wanting to know that there is a twist, because I do the same thing. Well, to be honest, because I write screenplays I do that anyway. It's very hard for me to watch a film and not see all the working (or non-working, as the case may be) parts of it.

Posted by: Aimee at September 16, 2008 10:43 AM

We saw Burn After Reading on opening night, and my husband loved it so much he wants to see it again, and he usually does NOT do that. This is totally NOT spoilery, but we have been making the Brad Pitt slit-eyes at each other all week and just laughing maniacally. Hilarious and totally dark and twisty and did I say hilarious movie. But not everyone's cup of tea, to be certain. Only those of us with a dark and twisty sense of humor . . .

Posted by: Gail at September 16, 2008 11:10 AM

My husband and I haven't been out on a date in months, and we got to go see 'Burn After Reading' on Friday night. Loved it! I saw an interview afterwards with the Coen brothers, who said they wrote that role for George Clooney. ;)

Posted by: liz at September 16, 2008 11:29 AM

Phooey. I totally wanted to see Burn After Reading this past weekend, but, alas, we have company coming this next weekend and the House of Remodel needed some urgent attention to make certain parts habitable again for company. So I worked like a dog (except when I was drinking [nice, non-flaming red wine] like a fish) and then my husband (bless his heart)went off to help somebody ELSE with THEIR project - on the house they are RENTING.
I kind of hoped he'd get run over by a Mcsupersized logging truck at that point. Somedays he needs to remember the life insurance policy I have on him.

Thanks for not being a spoiler, honey! Although I'm kinda with the others campaigning for actual hippo-action on Brad.

Posted by: Lulu at September 16, 2008 12:20 PM

I am going to be a fusspot because I saw B.A.R. last Friday. After watching the trailers, I expected a funny silly comedy with great actors and while parts of it were funny, the dark violence ruined the mood. It was cinematic bait and switch and I wish I had had one of those volcanic drinks afterwards.

I would've enjoyed anything with a hippo.

Posted by: Elizabeth at September 16, 2008 1:56 PM

ON FIRE!?!?!??!?! SWEET!!!!!!!

Posted by: nik at September 16, 2008 2:34 PM

I can't wait to see it! My husband and I rarely go to the movies (unless we have free tickets) and we're going to go see this at some point. Our weekends are... busy would be an understatement. What is it with Septembers?!

Posted by: Jess at September 16, 2008 3:04 PM

I so love your "eaten by a hippo" to be cryptic. Can I borrow that? That would absolutely drive my 15 year old insane if I used that when being cryptic in front of him. . . I do love him, but if there is not some revenge through the teen years, well, I might go insane instead of him!

Posted by: lmerie at September 16, 2008 4:17 PM

Ooooh, I hope "get eaten by a hippo" means gets nekked.

And scorpion bowls are dangerous. Mighty easy going down but pack quite a wallop.

Posted by: Elizabeth J at September 16, 2008 4:31 PM

I had the chance to see BURN on Sunday evening and loved, loved, loved it! I, too, was excited by the prospect of seeing B.P. get eaten by a hippo...I have been "mad" at him for awhile - not so much a fan of post-Angelina Brad...but I knew that if anyone could help him find redemption it would be the almighty Coen boys! I am really happy they wrote that part for him. Lastly, WHERE does one find such a fun drink?!?

Posted by: Carmen at September 17, 2008 3:41 PM

I think I am the lone person on the planet that doesn't get the Coen Bros or Quentin Tarantino.

The drink looks deadly good though.

Posted by: Cele at September 17, 2008 7:22 PM

Oh my...I've been abroad but it was quite the pleasant return combing through this old computer and finding this bookmark.

Your writing is as charming as ever ma'am.

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