HI! Remember me? Prolly not. Before I tell you where I was, let me say, I am completely fine and it is not to worry.
On Friday I went in for my yearly physical, a small problem was discovered that needed a minor surgical procedure. My doctor decided to perform it right there, immediately, which was SUPER, except I spent the next three days in bed tuned in, turned on, and dropped out, floating in a haze of mild hallucinations and thinking a million different variations on the words, “I love the whole world, boom-di-ah-da, it is so full of pharmacology.”
What have we learned? I shouldn’t eat barbiturates, even in small amounts for minor surgical procedures. I shouldn’t even sprinkle a grain or two on my salads. OH NO I should not.
I have weird brain chemistry. I do not do well with most drugs. I learned this when I went to get my wisdom teeth out as a teen. They gave me some sort of oral sedative, and I obediently ate it, and I might as well of done an ENORMOUS line of coke. I got PERKIER and PERKIER, and there was no getting my teeth out that day.
Eventually, to get those impacted suckers removed, they had to admit me to the hospital and pump me full of enough sodium pentothal to get the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth out of Mata Hari. I remember the anesthesiologist starting to slip the drug into my veins, and she said, “Now, count back from ten…”
I started at ten and got ALLLLLLL the way to one, while the anesthesiologist’s eyebrows contracted and squiggled closer and closer and CLOSER together until they were a single writhing object. In fact, she looked entirely furry and faintly blue, and her mouth was opening and closing on HINGES like a munchy puppet mouth. This did not disturb me; I thought it was distantly interesting. I thought most things were distantly interesting. At that point, had I been Colonel Sanders, she could have had a complete list of ALL 11 herbs and spices in my Original Recipe just by ASKING.
She said, in an irritated voice, “Okay, CLOSE YOUR EYES.” That’s the last thing I remember. EXCEPT I think I cussed in front of my mother as she drove me home and poured me into bed. I think I cussed a LOT. My mother refused to be specific, she simply told me she had not known I KNEW those words. The doctor helpfully told her it was a reaction to the drugs and I probably DIDN’T actually know them. (God bless Southern doctors.)
In any case, I am TO THIS DAY not sure what words I said because my mother would not repeat them to me, both because she refused to SAY them herself under any circumstances and because if the doctor was right and I DID NOT actually know them and had merely been channeling the spirit of George Carlin in a pentothal haze, she did not want to be the one to teach them to me.
At any rate, I LOVE phenobarbitol now, SO SO MUCH, so VERY much, in fact that I am never never taking it again under any circumstances. It joins some anti-anxiety drug that starts with an A that I can never take again…WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT BEAUTIFUL DRUG??? GAH I have talked about here before and how much I heart it…but all I can think of is Albuterol which is that breathing medication that acts like CRANK in my son’s veins---he used to have to have it when he was two and three and had bad allergies. On Albuterol, the child could run straight up the wall like a lizard, that’s how jacked up he got.
When I was pregnant with Maisy and my dentophobic self needed a cavity filled, I checked WEB MD and it told me NOT to take one of the small stock of pills I keep for cleanings and cavities. I am not a big PILL TAKER, but you know how some people can’t look down from great heights or get in enclosed spaces without full fledges heart-hammering terror complete with weeping and puking and passing out? Yeah – I have a high level, uncontrollable, physical phobic reaction to DENTIST’S CHAIRS… (THANKS,
TERRY GILLIAM !) I can’t sit in them without being drugged to the gills and sucking gas.
ANYWAY, I said to my OBGYN, “I can’t get in that chair without medical assistance, but WEB MD says I should not take my usual anti-anxiety pill while pregnant, do you have something MILDER?” And he gave me the Beautiful A-starting drug, which I LATER looked up on WEB MD and found it was about 50 times more powerful than my usual drug, which I kinda already KNEW because when we got home from the dentist that day, Scott tried to put my enormous eight-months prego butt in the bed and I lay there for half a minute thinking, I LOVE THE WHOLE WORLD, BOOM!DI!A!DA! and then I jumped up and starting putting together very FANCY, TRAMPY OUTFITS that wouldn’t go over my Maisy-belly and prancing about LIP SYNCING to MADONNA.
Yeah. SO.
ANYWAY, I am off all meds and awake and all of my brain cells are back, except the one I used to store the name of that A drug I am never taking again. That one was tragically lost, drowned, no doubt, in the lovely pharmaceutical sea where I have been floating for last three days. If you spoke to me on Friday or Saturday, let me assure you I have only faintest memory of the event. If I agreed to time share a condo, I did NOT mean it, and if I said any Very Bad Words, I do not actually KNOW them, you understand. It was the drugs talking.
it's downright wrong to laugh this hard this early in the morning.
Posted by: babelbabe at August 4, 2008 8:17 AMAtivan?
I just finished Between, Georgia and loved it, as I did gods in Alabama. And now I have found your blog to enjoy. Huzzah! ;) Next time I have to go to the hospital I think I'm going to ask for more interesting drugs :P
Oooh, you get the interesting reactions!
We're using gods in Alabama for our next family book discussion book.
Posted by: Erin at August 4, 2008 8:43 AMOh, my!!! I'm wondering what words your kids did NOT learn from you over the weekend.
Posted by: Roxanne at August 4, 2008 8:45 AMIt is Ativan-- I remember you talking about it before.
Posted by: Jill at August 4, 2008 9:25 AMI was going to say Alprazolam. Any of those -lam or -pam drugs are very... mellowing.
Glad to hear you're fine.
I am sure it is Ativan. I used to take a very small dose of the same drug, but it was called something else. Why do they have different names for the same drug? Anyway, that drug did absolutely nothing for me. My doctor kept increasing the dose until she said it was enough to keep a 300-pound linebacker slap-happy (and I am not a very large woman). I guess I have the opposite reaction to drugs from you.
Posted by: Haley at August 4, 2008 11:59 AMI knew a woman who took nothing to have her teeth worked on. Pull a wisdom? No drugs. You say dentist to most people and they need a pill. I'm inbetween, but recently had two molars pulled and then went back to work. Piece of cake. Until the viocdent (nasty nasty drug) made me throw up massive amounts of innards the next day. nasty stuff.
Memory serves me that I'm to be in agreeance that Ativan is the missing A drug.
Posted by: Cele at August 4, 2008 12:22 PMCol. Harland Sanders was my grandparents neighbor. I can fix fried chicken that is identical to his, but I can not tell you what spices are in it. No amount of drugs can make me either.
Hope you feel better soon!
and here i thought you were spending all your time on Facebook having a massive Pimpin Party or attacking folk with your own bad vampire. come to think of it, the hallucinations might have made those activities some of the best fun you've ever had. alas, next time . . .
Posted by: debra at August 4, 2008 1:20 PMHope you are feeling better! What a weekend!
Pain meds, Arrghh.. A LOT of people must have weird reactions to the various commonly used pain meds. Makes you wonder how safe they really are.
Well, I'm glad it was nothing serious and you're okay! I can't stand taking the heavy drugs. In fact, after my last c-section I took exactly one Percocet and then had to figure out what to do with the rest of the prescription. I don't think I'll even fill it this time. With my mouth, though, forget it. I HATE having things done in my mouth. When I had to have gum graft surgery (which is as awful as it sounds) I would have gotten knocked out completely, except my insurance didn't even pay for the surgery and I had to go on a payment plan. So instead I simply cried during the entire procedure. It really freaked out the dentist.
Posted by: amy at August 4, 2008 4:57 PMI'm glad you're back and doing okay! I missed reading here!
Posted by: Julie at August 4, 2008 5:56 PMYou, my dear, are a HOOT!!! And yes, it's Ativan. If you type Ativan in the search box on your blog page, you can read the 3 other blog postings you did that mentioned Ativan. (They were hilarious posts, too. Have you ever thought of writing for stand-up comics????) LOVE to read your blog....really do!
Posted by: Pat at August 4, 2008 9:30 PMWhen I got my wisdom teeth out, I was a complete loon for two days. Sometimes my family likes to remember that time and lovingly mock me by repeating the phrases, "DON'T turn on the light and DON'T touch my face!" and "I can't open the DOOR and I don't KNOW WHY!"
Apparently I said them a lot.
Feel better, pudding.
ps You should email me. I would totally make it worth your while.
Posted by: Kira at August 4, 2008 10:27 PMOH thanks for the laugh.
Especially the part about trampy outfits and lip syncing to Madonna.
I puffy heart you.
Posted by: carrien (she laughs at the days) at August 5, 2008 3:44 AMAh phenobarb....I was on that as a kiddie (convulsions), and am now immune to it. I have had a few operations in my time, and am so used to getting to minus 15 in the "count backwards" routine that I now tell anaesthesiologists to double up...there is eye-rolling but it ends up happening anyway (usually around minus 7).
You would HATE my dentist. He decided to pull out my wisdom tooth, and the tooth being impacted by it in one fell swoop. With no warning. And gave me nothing to take afterwards. It hurt-ed-ed a LOT. I think he got into dentistry because he liked "Marathon Man", and so I too am now officially scared of dentists.
Glad you're back - and thank you for sharing the hilarity!
The doctor wouldn't even tell me the name of the happy drug I got when I had a female procedure done a few years back - I think she could tell that I liked it TOO much. Pooh! Of course I did, it was the only time EVER that I recall the interior knot of tension being gone.
Posted by: Brigitte at August 5, 2008 6:05 AMHow do you make surgery and painkillers so freaking funny?
As others have pointed out, it was Ativan. And now I have to go back and read those posts, because they're really funny.
Anyway, glad (very glad) it was nothing serious.
Posted by: Aimee at August 5, 2008 10:20 AMAtivan allows me to fly in airplanes without clinging to the ceilings of said planes like that cat in teh cartoon who gets scared by the dog going WOOFWOOFWOOF!!! at it.
Posted by: Angela at August 6, 2008 3:27 PMooooh... should have asked me. I overreact to drugs big time myself. A little dab'l do me. Glad you're back to your old self. Or new self. Hope everything got fixed okay:-) btw... today is the one year anniversary of my blog, which YOU INSPIRED ME TO START at the Mississippi Writers Conference in August, 2007. I gave you a shout as Guest of Honor... check it out at http://wwwpenandpalette-susancushman.blogspot.com (August 6 post).
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