July 24, 2008

Chigger Bites and Sunburns

Yesterday, when I SHOULD have been working or sleeping or cleaning my rat-infested plagueland of a kitchen or packing my family for their upcoming travels or getting us some groceries or planning my next elaborate bank heist, I was instead sucked into a black hole called FACEBOOK, where I discovered I can try to find everyone I ever went to high school with AND make MUSICAL MONTAGES with out having ANY understanding of CODE. It is like…an episode of WHERE ARE THEY NOW meets interwebs 4 big dumb dummies.

SO Here is my facebook page, and if YOU have been sucked into facebook, then let’s be friends (heart!sparkle!diamond!) and if you have NOT been sucked into facebook due to having a life and some actual accomplishments to accomplish, at LEAST go watch my EXTREMELY cheezzzzzz-whiz laden montage that I made out of PAINT SHOP PRO and four hours of life I will never get back. HEH.

OHWAIT – maybe I can post it here…let me go to facebook and SEE…

View this montage created at One True Media
A Book Thang

Yeah, I CAN post it here. And THAT’S another 30 minutes of life I will never see again. BY THE WAY that’s one of my new author photos! Remember my publisher setup a photo shoot where I had a real alive make-up artist who gave me an upper lip and Fancy Big Girl hair? REMEMBER? I will try to post the two shots they picked later but they aren’t the right size and I may be able to make blurry movies with CHEESEY FADE EFFECTS but I can’t resize pictures. Maybe facebook has a tutorial for THAT, too. Maybe Facebook can walk me through making a SOUFLE that doesn’t turn out looking like an outsize eggy breakfast flap with a saggy middle. If they can teach me to make a MOVIE-esque object, they can do ANYTHING.

ALSO! even if you do not have facebook you can follow that MONTAGE LINK thing and make your own montages. It’s not hard. Even Sam is going to learn how. He got a job puppy sitting and spent his loot on a digital camera to take sleep away camp next week. Assuming he returns home with the camera still in one working piece (or even with just a few dampened chunks of camera that include the memory card), I have told him I will help him make a CAMP montage to send his grandparents.

This is an 11 year old boy we are discussing, so the CHANCES of him returning with the camera in any condition seems about as likely as him coming home with a UNICORN and saying, “Look what I found at CAMP. His name is Rexy. Can we KEEP him?” (For the record, my answer would be, OH HELZYA, YOU CAN KEEP REXY!)

Sam has MANY extraordinary gifts, but like most boys his age, he is not very good at keeping track of the physical objects in his care (and it is VERY hard for me to call him to task on this because I have ZERO street cred on this topic….for two WEEKS now I have had NO IDEA where my keys might have gotten to…tricky little things, keys. Very sly. Mine are SO very gone that I suspect they may have entered witness protection.)

Given his age and his gender and his upcoming week of NO parental follow ups on objects he is on charge of, I fully expect to have the child come home with calluses so thick that his foot-bottoms look like hooves and maybe some vines twined around him in a makeshift loincloth with NO idea where his shoes, clothes, camera, duffel bag, soap, or luckless swim-buddy have gone.

And yes, as you may have guessed, this IS his first time going to sleep away camp, and I AM sure he is going to be eaten by bears. If *I* was a bear and had a whole camp full of 11 year old kids to choose from, I would absolutely pick him to maul and eat. He is clearly the very best one.

We who are about to pack our eldest child up and send off for a week to a place that wants to ARM him (Archery? REALLY? You want to give this child a WEAPON in the vicinity of other children? And their EYEBALLS?) salute you, and if you need me I will be pretending none of this is happening by immersing myself in FACEBOOK.

Posted by joshilyn at July 24, 2008 5:39 AM

I am so happy you are on Facebook. I've had my face in facebook for the last three weeks, facetiously.

Posted by: Rebecca at July 24, 2008 6:53 AM

Love facebook, much more so than Myspace, which is too graphically busy for middle-aged eyes. I like the clean format and am addicted to Owned!, a facebook app.

Have fun finding everyone!

Posted by: parrotzmom at July 24, 2008 7:30 AM

Can Zac go with Sam? His eyeballs are pretty tough, and he Is. Bored. I hear every day after dragging my butt home from work. last night we made volcanoes in the driveway until after eight o'clock. and then I died from exhaustion.

Posted by: Elena at July 24, 2008 7:34 AM

Oh noes!... you have now added another major time-suck to your life...and I should know, since my facebook page is crammed full of widgets and quizzes and things people thought I might like to try (all of which I did try...and lost countless hours doing so). You however, seem to be a bit more sensible than that - finding something that is actually useful! Kudos for that. The slideshow was lovely.
Also, you can combine two timesucks into one by adding the "I Play WoW" app and showcasing your l33t skillz to the masses (there goes another ten minutes of drafting time!).
*extracts kitten from speaker cord, and ambles off to farm some primal water*

Posted by: Rompompom at July 24, 2008 7:40 AM

I always love your posts, but today I had tears streaming down my face! My 11yo son just got back from camp, and I would swear you had been wearing a wire in my head to write this post.

I'm surprised the digital camera is even allowed, but I hope you get it back. Of course, Rexy the unicorn would be even better! Your son will survive and you might even find yourself checking the prices for 2 weeks next summer.

Posted by: Jen at July 24, 2008 7:48 AM

24 July 2008 - I have finally signed up with Facebook. I hope there is a musical montage. :)

Posted by: KlintD at July 24, 2008 8:49 AM

My eleven yr old is gone to camp this week, several states away. They also have archery. And a bb shooting range. Glad I'm not the one who has to supervise those activities. Connor recognized his own inability to keep track of objects and decided to leave his camera at home :) Or perhaps he doesn't want to chance having any incriminating evidence. It's a toss up really.

Posted by: Laura L at July 24, 2008 9:53 AM

Aww so conflicted...I feel so stalkerish pretending I'm friends with someone I don't actually know just cause her books and blag are super cool...damn you wonderful Facebook for creating such issues!

Posted by: Dani at July 24, 2008 10:00 AM

When I went to add you as a Facebook friend (Because I want people from Osceola High class of '88 to think that I am personal sparkly friends with a famous author. That's okay with you, right?) the "I'm not a robot spammer" code thingy they gave me to type in was - THOSE READS.

I found that odd and am wondering what kind of code people have to type in to friend me. POP TARTS? BIG SOCKS?

Posted by: Becca at July 24, 2008 10:18 AM

I don't have time to make a Facebook montage. I have to go pray for Sam...RIGHT NOW.

Posted by: Amy-Go at July 24, 2008 10:23 AM

First things first: that is a gorgeous picture of you. You're pretty!

Second things second: I am on Facebook, and will go send you a friend invite toot sweet. As soon as I can remember what my password is.

Third things third: I too will pray for Sam. Perhaps he can use the Vizzini trick from The Princess Bride, and if a bear approaches, point behind the bear and say, "What in the world could that be?"

Posted by: Aimee at July 24, 2008 10:44 AM

Cool video!

I went to camp when I was a kid, and we had archery and horses and rivers and even wild treacherous snipes (or so they said, and I totally believed them. When we went snipe hunting and they shined a flashlight into some distant owl's eyes and said "see those glowing eyes? That's a snipe!" and then proceeded to chase a phantom thing through the grass and caught said imaginary beast in a burlap bag and wrestled mightily with the bag, I was convinced for life that snipes were real. And it didn't matter that later when they showed us the beast in a dimly lit cage in a shadowy barn that it was really a bunny with chicken feathers tied all over it, and that later it "escaped" before any of us really got a good look at it. No matter. I knew they were real. I'd SEEN one.)

Anyway, where was I? Camp! Right. Camp was tons of fun, and not dangerous, despite being populated by 11-year-old boys with bows and arrows. And I came home with all my belongings intact. I'm female, it's true, but I was also nine, not eleven, so that probably evens out the losing-everything-in-sight odds. He'll be fine! And he'll have a good adventure!

Posted by: holly at July 24, 2008 12:00 PM

You've lost your keys again? I thought we made a suggestion of a GPS system for your keys?

Sam will adore summer camp, it was one of the great highlights of my life...all nine years of it. A.D.O.R.E. Have fun Sam.

Like I need another website, two blogs, myspace, and a workshop I'm thinking my boss wants me to come into work.

Posted by: Cele at July 24, 2008 12:10 PM

I remember when Facebook was a college thing, and when I graduated high school, everyone joined. I think they were more excited about joining Facebook than starting college. I knew I would get addicted, so I put off joining. I did check it pretty frequently for a while, but now I forget about it for months at a time. People send me messages or invite me to events on there, but by the time I check it, the events have usually already happened. Apparently college students use Facebook as their primary communication resource.

If I remember next time Iget on Facebook, probably in September to see if anything important is happening at the beginning of the schoolyear, I will try to add you as a friend. I am hopeless at this sort of thing, though. I avoided it on purpose until I forgot it existed. I went on last week and I had a bunch of old Happy Birthday messages from my birthday in May. Maybe I should try to check more often...

Posted by: Haley at July 24, 2008 2:03 PM

Gorgeous picture of you there, Miss Joshilyn, in that verrry nice, professional-looking montage.

And ma'am, I was a camp counselor for 3 summers, and married the head counselor a couple of years later. So we have a wee bit of camp experience here. Let me tell you, Sam is perfect summer camp material -- he's an 11-year-old boy! Just be sure to send clothes you can burn if any of them make it home - don't bother bringing them in the house. Unless, of course, he didn't actually change his clothes for the whole week. So hose Sam off too, before you let him in the house. One of the biggest treats of summer camp for those boys is being able to get out of bathing for a whole week. (Counselors are supposed to MAKE them bathe & change their underwear at least once in the week, but they don't actually check quality of 'bathing' or cleanliness of underwear.)
IOW, Sam will be FINE. Just picture him contentedly sleeping out under the stars or splashing in the (shallow) pond (with very competent lifeguards!) or sitting at a dining hall table laughing at fart jokes with the other campers. He'll have a great time. And you'll be fine too. Really. Even if you have to spend every waking moment on Facebook. (Or get a new Webkinz for Miss Maisy who may be bereft at home without big brother. Designing, building & running that Webkinz life ought to eat up the week!)

Posted by: Lulu at July 24, 2008 2:16 PM

I worked at sleepaway camp the summer after I graduated college and it was the best summer of my life. Sam is going to have so much fun!

I'll go over and friend you on facebook now. I think you'll appreciate my profile picture. It's me with two of my other writerly friends that I met during NaNoWriMo along with Markus Zusak, author of I Am The Messenger and The Book Thief. Good times in Atlanta. ;)

Posted by: erinanne at July 24, 2008 3:18 PM

Love Facebook! I'm glad you're on it!

Posted by: Julie at July 24, 2008 10:04 PM

I too have added you as friend on Facebook, although I go there about as often as I vacuum. (In my defense, Lillian does it, so we're not really hip deep in dog and cat fur.)

And Peach! You blurbed "The Lace Reader"! I loved it! Maybe three questions with her, please?

Posted by: Fran at July 24, 2008 11:27 PM

I friended you on facebook. I'm so glad you're on there. I <3 facebook.

Posted by: Nik at July 25, 2008 12:59 AM

Have not joined the Facebook thingy, but boy is that an AWESOME photo of you!!!

And even though I am quite sure that Sam IS the very best of everything, I am equally confident after having taught 11 and 12 year old boys for nearly 17 years, that bears are smart enough to know how unpalatable is the pubescent male--and how deadly is the pubescent male's own version of a Mama bear.

Posted by: Roxanne at July 25, 2008 1:12 AM

You were joking about your kitchen, right?


Posted by: Elizabeth at July 25, 2008 8:23 AM

When I went to pick up my two oldest from their first foray into sleep-away camp, there was a big end-of-camp program. A major part of that program was the displaying of items not claimed to the "people who paid for them." That's right, they held up lost items (with lots of fun commentary) and the parents would recognize them and walk to the front and claim them for their children. It was funny even when I had to go claim something. Some of the things that had been lost and unclaimed was baffling. You wondered how a child could go 5 days without something so essential and then you realized you really did *not* want to know....

Posted by: Linda Sherwood at July 25, 2008 8:57 AM

I, too, have befriended you on facebook because I want my friends to see that I am friends with an awesome writer -- that I truly didn't know was so beautiful! You really had me going with your bit about slumping around the house writing in your PJ's -- no one gets skin like yours with a steady diet of writer's block Oreos!

And? the montage thing? Yeah, you totally taught me a new way to waste time on facebook! Yay!

Posted by: Sarah S. at July 25, 2008 7:03 PM

Camp rocks. Went at nine stayed till my mid twenties. Still trying to figure out how to sneak back in. As for your keys my dear, check the freezer. Mine went missing for two weeks at UWF when it dawned on me, you put the fozen food away first when returning from the grocery store.
Love ya,doll.

Posted by: meaghan at July 28, 2008 10:10 PM

Oh, nice! I *love* the new pic. You look fabulous, dahling.

Posted by: Katrina Stonoff at July 30, 2008 12:08 PM