July 11, 2008

Things to do While Endlessly Ill: Day Three (Part Two)

Part ONE was mostly about shopping for dishes I cannot afford and am therefore not going to buy, and I had it narrowed down to THREE patterns to not buy, each with pros and cons, and then MIR, that crafty shop-tress extraordinaire, sent me an EMAIL that said:

“... I know just the dishes you should not be buying.

You're welcome.”

AND SHE IS RIGHT! THOSE ARE THE EXACT DISHES I AM NOT GOING TO BUY! I heart them SO much. Whimsical, but not putridly so. Countrishy Frenchishy out the wazoo! Cheerful and colorful without being FEY, and way too vibrant to be twee. AND the bowls have sunflowers. LOOKIT:


ANYWAY As Pink Sockily Sworn, here is the rest of my list of things to do while endlessly ill:

3) Playing the morning scale game. All. Day. Long.

As you may recall from a previous entry, I threw out KINDLY OLD AUNTIE SCALE and got a fancy glass scale named Mr. Taylor, digital liar-pants and known CRUELTY-MONGOR. I HATE Mr. Taylor, who told me that instead of being at the TOP of the proper weight range for my height, I was actually OVER. That meant that instead of needing to lose ten pounds, I had to drop fifteen. *martyred sigh*

DIGRESSION: 8 weeks into Weight Watchers, I am SOLIDLY down five pounds from the HORRID new weight the HORRID new scale gave me. WHICH MEANS even according to that LYING SACK OF CRAP, Mr. Taylor, I am OFFICALLY not overweight, but am NOW a few pounds down from the TOP of the weight range for my height. And there was much rejoicing, if rejoicing is defined as “sour looks that imply a wish for the new scale’s accidental total submersion in lava.”

DIGRESSION 2: 8 weeks? FIVE pounds? Seems like a LOT of diet and exercise for LITTLE return. BUT, I changed scales and had to start over and I can’t do the math on previous stuff before and after or my brain hurts. AND, you have to factor in a week of BEACH VACATION: Buttered crustaceans. My mom’s rum cake. Late night CHEETO fests. REALLY a lot of shiraz. Chocolate Skittles. (for the car! You HAVE to eat chocolate skittles in the car!) and more than one visit to Cold Stone Creamery for Cake Batter ice cream with heath bar and/or cookie dough where I PAINFULLY overused the AND function of that and/or.

ANYWAY, The MORNING scale game goes like this:

1) Get up.

2) Use the facilities.

3) Strip down to my glasses.

4) Step gingerly onto the icy glass surface of the loathsome Mr. Taylor.

5) Scream “NONONO YOU CRAPULANT PIECE OF WADDED JERKFACED DISHONESTY! I REFUTE YOUR POOPY MISCALCULATIONS WITH RIGHTEOUS VIGOR!” This is a paraphrase, of course. In reality, I use MUCH fouler language because the first number is merely an OPENING OFFER. Mr. Taylor is like a used-car salesman, only YUCKIER --- he is a masterful manipulator ---and his opening gambit must be rejected immediately and firmly.

6) Step off and wait for numbers to clear.

7) Get back on. The number is now about one pound lower. Every morning. It’s like I wake up with a POUND of accumulated profanity in my gut and Mr. Taylor reflects the WEIGHT of those UGLY words. This causes me to unleash them ON HIM. Then I step off, and when I step back on I weigh at least one pound less. EVERY DAY. (And yes I am standing in the same spot every time and the scale is in the same spot every time and I am not touching the counter. It is a mystery!)

8) Step on and off 2 – 7 more times to make sure that the SECOND 1 pound lower number is repeated and therefore true. It almost ALWAYS is, and then I am done. BUT...

9) SOMETIMES Mr. Taylor wobbles UP from the lower number by one or two ounces. (Yes, he is accurate down to the OUNCE, the exacting worm.) I CANNOT accept this ounce or ounces, obviously, but I can generally make him drop the issue by removing my glasses.

10) If glasses removal fails, I have been known to resort to trimming my bangs.
(Yes. I know. This is SO. MENTALLY. ILL.)

Well, on day 3 of being sick and bored, I played this game not JUST in the morning, but every couple of hours. ALL DAY LONG. I would try to factor in the weight of whatever meals I ate and not count them. Like, when I was up four ounces, I would say, “But I ate 8 ounces of lentil soup! SO REALLY I am DOWN 4!”

4) Surfing YOU TUBE to learn valuable lessons like it’s funny when animals sneeze, NEVER follow You Tube Links sent by Karen because she RICK ROLLS, and that I LIKE it when the stride gum guy CROSSES CULTERAL BARRIERS to bring simply dreadful dancing to the many, many cheerful populaces!

Also? Turns out LIONS ARE NICE!

WARNING: The following video perpetrates Whitney Houston.

The number of times I watched the LION video and got all MISTY on day three borders on OBSCENE. If you simply cannot manage Whitney, you can try this shorter, blurrier version which has AEROSMITH wailing that they don’t want to fall asleep because they would MISS YOU babe, and that Steve Tyler in particular does not want to miss a THING. YOU ARE WELCOME! I say you are welcome because you are thanking me even if you do not like Aerosmith because at least it isn’t WHITNEY HOUSTON.

I looked really hard for this same lion vid that was set to a FRATELLI’s song, or that think I know why the dog howls song or something else JUNGLE-Y, or even the superlative Aerosmith/Run DMC hybrid version of WALK THIS WAY, but Aerosmith in Ballad mode was the best I could do.

5) PHILOSOPHIZE. You know, the reason I say perpetrate Whitney Houston is because I never forgave her for THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL. I HATE that song. It was our class song, too, UGH. For the record, I voted for Rock Lobster.

If you listen to the WORDS (I do not recommend it, but if it was voted your class song in spite of the obvious merits of the B-52’s anthem to marine life, and they play it at EVERY POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY for the months surrounding graduation while your spry young brain is mostly EMPTY and thus still defenselessly hoovering up all manner of useless knowledge inadvertently, the words soak in around the edges no matter how hard you try to NOT HEAR), the song is about floppy-quartz-healed-my-soul-crystal-mystic-too-much-therapy-ese love. Puke.

Learning to love yourself is NOT the greatest love of all. Loving yourself is EASY---every sociopath and narcissist on earth can manage it in a dead sleep. We are BORN loving only ourselves and 90% of our problems come from staying there.

Actual love is about service. It’s learning to love other people that is hard. Other people are IRRITATING and they DO NOT DO WHAT YOU WANT. They have NEEDS and SMELLS and STUPID OPINIONS. But when folks can manage it, they find loving other people makes them helpful and kind. When folks are helpful and kind, they love themselves as a by product of ACTUALLY BECOMING LOVEABLE, and that’s a good idea.

We love the thing we serve.
Fresh born babies teach you that, FAST.
Every major religion knows that.
Even FREAKIN’ Aerosmith knows that.

Which reminds me of that video. WAH!!!! THAT LION…so touching. *sniff* Let’s scroll up and watch it again!

(Not whining – really – but JUST SO YOU KNOW? Just in case YOU WERE WONDERING? Here we are on day four and…

My head still hurts.)

Posted by joshilyn at July 11, 2008 7:25 AM

I just got your book and read it in a day. I do not have TIME to read a book in a day but still I did.

So, I hope you feel better so you can get back to writing!

Although I am enjoying the put-apon posts in the meanwhile.

Posted by: ailo at July 11, 2008 9:05 AM

Have you been to a doctor? Cause I am pretty sure one's head should not hurt for that long. I am not saying it is a "rare, virulent form of brain eating monkey", but still maybe you ought to get it checked out.

And I say, buy the dishes! It might make you feel better, and, really, who can put a price on that? ; )

Posted by: Jill at July 11, 2008 9:32 AM

That Mir...she is GOOD! Those dishes are lovely.

Posted by: Melisa at July 11, 2008 10:49 AM

Dishes=pretty! Mir=smart! Lions=*weep*! Your head=bad head!stop hurting Joshilyn!

Posted by: Aimee at July 11, 2008 11:35 AM

Joshilyn, Mr. Taylor must go out the window.
I do not do WW b/c when I have in the past, I GAIN weight; you're always thinking about food!
Since you are subjected to the weekly weigh in there, that should suffice. Otherwise, stick to the jeans method. I know you have yard* stick jeans (*expression for tool of measurement not actual 36," oh no). Bras can also be a good anti-scale tool.
And look, how much does your head hurt? how heavy does it feel? Clearly, any excess weight is ALL THAT SNOT! : ) Feel better soon.

Posted by: Elizabeth at July 11, 2008 11:53 AM

As a migraines-that-last-a-whole-week sufferer, I recommend Imitrex, which is SPECIFICALLY FOR MIGRAINES. You'll probably have to drag yourself to a doctor to get a prescription (which I, for one, always loathe to do), but trust me it works miracles, even when OTC meds don't. It will also make you totally goofily high, and your elbows and knees will become jelly masses and you will collapse on the couch in a giggling heap and proceed to promptly pass out. But when you wake there will be NO HEADACHE and you will feel fine, at least in that area. The perfect cure.

Posted by: Emily at July 11, 2008 1:07 PM

Those dishes are awfully nice, and how can you properly raise a family if they're eating off of saucers and whatnot? See, it's your responsibility to get new dishes. For the sake of the children!

I misread your sentence just above the lion video and thought it said lions are NOT nice (because I like to invent words in the middle of nowhere). So I watched the whole video with my hands over my eyes and peeking through my fingers expecting the poor hippy guys to be eaten. And then the lion hugged them, and it was wonderful! Sigh. I want a lion that hugs me and introduces me to his wife. (When they patted the wife they patted a wild lion, right? Wild! And they patted her! And she let them! Wow.)

Posted by: holly at July 11, 2008 1:14 PM

note to self: do NOT watch joshilyn's videos at work where people will look at you funny when you are weeping copious tears at your desk.

right after you had been snorting diet coke out of your nose while laughing riotously about the scale game. which i play. every day.

i'm doomed.

Posted by: the planet of janet at July 11, 2008 3:07 PM

The perfect dishes, at more than 50% off! Clearly you cannot resist.

And I would have so totally voted for Rock Lobster. "There goes a sea robin!"

Posted by: Genevieve at July 11, 2008 4:51 PM

1. Mir's dishes are PERFECT. She rocks.
2.I totally expected those hippies to get eaten.
3.When they didn't get eaten, I wept like a SAP. And you know how dead inside I am when it comes to animals.
4.You are absolutely correct about The Greatest Love Of All. Dumbest Song Evah.
5.Go to the doctor. Today.

Posted by: Amy-Go at July 11, 2008 4:54 PM

I wanted to weigh in on the class song. Whitney Houston is still the worst, but mine was "Sad But True" by Metallica. And for the record, I voted for Cat Steven's "Wild World."

Also, I am sorry that you *still* have a headache; as a sinus infection veteran I can sympathize.

Posted by: kate at July 11, 2008 5:41 PM

I used to shout at Sesame Street as George Benson sang "The Greatest Love of All." I thank you, my traumatized children thank you... (George and Whitey maybe not so much...)

Posted by: rams at July 11, 2008 9:40 PM

Kate- you shoudl have come to my school- our class song was Wild World.

Posted by: Jill W. at July 11, 2008 10:09 PM

Our school song was "It's a Small World". Just as bad as Whitney. I voted for "School's Out".

And both Lillian and I expected the lion to be bad even though you said up front it wasn't, and now we're both kinda misty and smiling and say "Thank you, Wise Joshilyn" for sharing that.

Now. Listen to everyone and go see a doctor. Headaches that last four days are Not Right.

Posted by: Fran at July 12, 2008 12:21 AM

Just in case you're wondering if Day 4 headache means it's certainly a brain tumor, I had a loathsome sinus thing/virus/bug and I and many of my family were visited by headaches for a long time. I've blocked it out because it was so dreadful but it was over a week, maybe two. And when i was finally getting over it, it relapsed. And then I was really truly over it and we have had heat and fire and smoke and that made my head hurt all over again because the cheerful newcasters told all us northern Californians that the solution was to stay INDOORS in A/C until the smoke goes away (which they also said will be at the end of fire season which is OCTOBER) and they forgot that some of us don't HAVE A/C so that means we can breath smoke or shut all our windows and melt into little organic puddles, like wax figures would. And now I'm done complaining. And I'm sure youre headache will be gone much faster. But just in case you were worrying, headache viruses can hang around a loooong time.

Posted by: Laume at July 12, 2008 1:42 AM

P.S. re: plates - and they have BLUE on them so they match your kitchen. But just for the record, French Countryside-ish means yellow and blue are best friends so you could also go with those blue-less golden yellow ones, I really liked those.

And I'm still sort of befuddled how you can still be limping along on the dishware you bought so long ago. I must be a dishware slu.... collector. We've had many styles come and go over the years. Oh yeah, I'm older than you so maybe that makes some of the difference. When the kids were young and breaking things at a faster rate then now, I went with multi-colored, cheap Fiesta wanna-be-ware. If something broke I just bought another color. Now I have some nice plates my mom gifted me mixed in with some blue snowflake plates I've been too lazy to put away until winter. Sitting on the floor still in boxes are eight brand new black and white "Paris shabby chic" style plates that I splurged on last year and am also too lazy to swap into the cabinets.

Posted by: Laume at July 12, 2008 1:48 AM

I'm a bit of a dish horse. I bought my first set when I was a Senior in high school. I've inherited two sets and have had four other sets, the best for longevity being a set of Corelle because they can't break.

But for your current set http://www.replacements.com/webquote/PFANORT.htm

And for all your pretty internets, replacements is the best for discontinued dishes.

Posted by: Sabra at July 12, 2008 7:38 AM

P.S. This is one of the sets I inherited and it would go perfectly with your kitchen- http://www.replacements.com/webquote/WW_COU.htm

Posted by: Sabra at July 12, 2008 7:42 AM

Mir is GOOD. Those dishes are THE dishes, hands down. Like to the point that I think they should be the dishes you buy, not the dishes you'd like to have but don't buy.

That video made me cry. Not just misty. Real, actual tears dripping down my face. I hate that. But I'll allow it, just this once since that was so beautiful.

Now can you share a funny video please?

Posted by: DebR at July 12, 2008 10:11 AM

Hey, DebR (and anyone else), try this in lieu of a funny video:


There is no way not to smile after making this little pipe cleaner man dance-- it is way more amusing then it has any right to be.

Here is how it works: click on one of the round buttons for a song and then use your keyboard or drag your mouse over the keybord on screen to make him dance. Enjoy. : )

Posted by: Jill W. at July 12, 2008 10:59 AM

I have those dishes. I have a new set of dishes from Longaberger, so if you want them let me know. I have to come to Atlanta from Savannah next week for work, so ...


Posted by: jean at July 12, 2008 1:43 PM

Joshilyn, I agree with the "go to the doctor" people. But to totally change the subject, when you recommended books a couple weeks ago, after your vacation, I put in the requests at the library. The new books are in long line-ups, but I have just finished reading The Year of Fog by Michelle Richmond, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I adore it!!!! I had huge arguments with myself about staying up all night to finish reading it. I lost the arguments, by the way, something about having to go to work in the morning. These characters are going to stay with me for a long time. And the library does not have her previous book, so i have suggested they get it.

I am staying out of the dishes discussion. I am still using the Corelle, and think it is fine, although I did get husband one black square plate, since black is his favourite colour, and anything wierd that does not have to be eaten or worn is a GOOD THING!

Posted by: Judy at July 12, 2008 4:58 PM

I am just going to let Amy-Go write for me, because she always says what I would. Brilliant woman.

Posted by: Cele at July 12, 2008 8:22 PM

Awright Fran! I voted for "School's Out" as well.

And watching lion video on major PMS day? WAAAH!!

Posted by: Brigitte at July 13, 2008 7:36 AM

I showed that video at work on my computer THREE times and I CRIED all three times. In front of people! In front of people who sit down with me in performance reviews where I review them and now they think their boss is a bawl baby.

Posted by: Heather Cook at July 13, 2008 12:52 PM

I spent most of the video thinking about how the lion was called CHRISTIAN, and how it would be funny if they...er...cooked him and served him to and actual CHRISTIAN person. Preferably named Lion. You know, because of the whole "throwing the Christians to the Lions" thing...
And I still cried.

Posted by: Kira at July 13, 2008 8:32 PM

ps I would REALLY NOT kill and cook a lion. Under any circumstances.

Posted by: Kira at July 13, 2008 8:32 PM

pps Maybe if my children were starving. But I would FEEL BAD about it. Pinky swear.

Posted by: Kira at July 13, 2008 8:33 PM

Love that every time I go back on Amazon I see your dishes. Just finished listening to The Girl Who Stopped Swimming on audio - it's just the best to hear you read your books! And now weepy after finally watching the lion video. Was afraid to watch with the boys... might be scary lions. Am now going to forward to everyone at the bookstore. Hope you are feeling better!

Posted by: Kym at July 14, 2008 12:06 AM

Hi Joss. I know you don't really do blog award-y type stuff, but I gave you one anyway because it fit so well. Ppppfffttt. ;-)


Posted by: DebR at July 14, 2008 10:13 AM