July 9, 2008

Time to Call the WAHHHHHmbulance.

I woke this morning to the dulcet tones of Big Cat yacking up a hairball, and as I uncoiled my legs to transfer him and his intestinal ablutions OFF THE CARPET to the more easily cleaned bathroom floor, Little Cat bit the CRAP out of my ankle. My ankle was moving, you see, under the blankets in a COVERT and DEVIOUS manner that made him think it was a STEALTHY BED MOLE who was after the important top secret national security documents we file in the sheets. My ankle CLEARLY needed to be stopped---not just stopped, but murderously stopped with deadly force. Shock and awe, people.

During his patriotic whirlwind ninja attack, he sunk one fang down so low into my flesh that I thought I heard it click against my bone. My ungodly howl pierced my OWN BRAIN MATTER, alerting me to the fact that I still HAVE A HEADACHE, LO, THESE LONG THREE DAYS LATER. I also still have a nose full of snot, muscle aches, and a POOR POOR POOR attitude.

I want to be working on my novel. I am FRANTIC to be working on my novel, if a person who has done nothing but sleep and eat oranges for three days can be described as “frantic.” I am a new kind---lackadaisically frantic. It’s the kind of frantic you can do while supine. I am frantic INSIDE! Where it counts! A free floating, off-the-charts, mucus-riddled frantic.

I feel scenes are ESCAPING me as I lie around WHINING at my husband—sometimes he leaves the room and I lie in a pile, whining in the general direction I saw him go. Scott is the most patient man in the UNIVERSE. He makes JOB look like an unruly little hothead. Any other husband would have put a plastic crock-pot liner bag over my head yesterday and held it tightly until the noises stopped.

Things I repeated more than 9 times each, yesterday:

1) Is it carbon monoxide poisoning? What if it is? A HEADACHE FOR THREE DAYS? I bet it is, and if I go to sleep we will all die. WE CAN’T GO TO SLEEP.

2) Do you think I have meningitis? A HEADACHE FOR THREE DAYS it HAS to be. Can you go print out whatever wikipedia and Web MD say about Meningitis?

3) I have brain worms, and Excedrin is not TOUCHING THEM. Get a drill.

4) Can you rub my head? Softer. No, harder. NO! NO! THERE IN THE OTHER PLACE WHERE IT HURTS. Yes! There. But softer. Not that soft. No, do not SCRATCH just RUB. WAH! WAH! MY HEAD HURTS! MY HEAD HURTS!

5) Yes, now that you mention it, it DOES hurt more when I yell. Interesting.

6) Do you want to lie on the sofa with me and pet my head and watch (Monk reruns/ Super Password reruns/ Scrubs reruns/The Office reruns/CELEBRITY FAMILY FEUD)?

7) I hate summer programming! Where are my beautiful off-season shows? Can you go check TV guide on the computer and see when (Burn Notice/Project Runway/The Closer) starts it’s new season?

And your fingers just sympathy twitched, didn’t they! You were reaching for the crock-pot liner bags. WELL TOO BAD, I refuse to be killed now. You should have killed me last night WHILE I was watching Celebrity Family Feud. That show completely sapped my will to live.

Posted by joshilyn at July 9, 2008 8:46 AM

A headache for 3 days....oh my.

Does it feel like a Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka headache?

Posted by: jean at July 9, 2008 9:35 AM

Oh Poor Baby! I hope you feel well soon. I hope the DH keeps his sanity.

Posted by: JulieB at July 9, 2008 9:36 AM

I can help you out with No.7. The Closer starts next Monday. Which means that since I don't have cable, that I will have to go to the health club at 8:00pm to use the elliptical so that I can watch it.

Posted by: gayle at July 9, 2008 9:42 AM

I once had a dream that rattlesnakes were biting me every time I took a step. Then I woke up and realized my wife's Siamese cat was biting me every time my leg twitched.

Hope you feel better soon. Try getting in the shower and alternating the water from as hot as you can stand for about thirty seconds to then as cold as it will get. Do this back and forth four or five times and see if that helps. My doctor told me about this method back when I got migraines on a regular basis and it actually worke about half of the time.

Posted by: Travis Erwin at July 9, 2008 9:49 AM

I think you need a Golf Club To The Head. Doctor's orders. Hey, it has lemonade in it...that's vitamin C, right? And alcohol, to...sterilize you? Yeah, go with that.

Feel better, Tulip.

Posted by: Amy-Go at July 9, 2008 9:50 AM

Gayle beat me to the punch with The Closer, but I can help with Project Runway -- it's a week from today!! Can. Not. Wait.

Sorry your head hurts. I turn into a whiner when I have a headache too, and I believe that I've had that exact head-rubbing instructional/whining session with my husband. Feel better!

Posted by: Aimee at July 9, 2008 10:33 AM

Pity party tonite? That really sucks that you're sick again. I hope you AND Scott feel better really soon.

Posted by: Lia at July 9, 2008 11:25 AM

A three-day headache = maximum yuckiness. Feel better soon!

(And as a digression, sometimes you and Scott sound like a younger, more fabulous and talented version of myself and my mister. Just yesterday I had a mini-breakdown and burst into tears of woe at the thought of having to cancel three appointments that I hadn't wanted to make in the first place for our daughter at a place where I didn't want to take her. And so he canceled the appointments FOR me, made the reason for the appointments his own special project that I didn't have to deal with anymore, and also totally FAILED to club me like a baby seal when I whined about the fact that I don't know WHY he doesn't just club me like a baby seal when I get like that.

But just in case, I'm hiding the crock pot liner bags.)

Posted by: Badger at July 9, 2008 1:07 PM

The cat vomit is, next to the existence of litterboxes, the crappiest thing about owning a cat, BY FAR. I don't know what it is but they always seem to go for the hard to clean surfaces. My boyfriend's cat has TWICE thrown up on our duvet mere minutes after I washed and painstakingly reassembled it on our bed. *rage*

Sorry to hear about your Mystery Headache... I'm hoping it goes away soon so you can get back to the book! I have to confess, I borrowed all 3 of your books from the library recently on a whim... and I read all 3 in 3 days. You have a rare gift for characterization, I laughed and cried with even the "villains". You have become one of my very favorite authors pretty much overnight.

The only flaw in discovering a fantastic new author... finishing the last book. :)

Posted by: Kimmers at July 9, 2008 1:13 PM

Woman go to the nearest walk-in clinic. It sounds like either and ear infection or a sinus infection.
Take care!
Hope you feel better soon!

Posted by: Heather P. at July 9, 2008 1:59 PM

Feel better, Joss. And thanks for giving us an update to know that you are still alive and with us, albeit with us in a miserable state.

Posted by: nik at July 9, 2008 4:36 PM

It sounds like you need to try an Advil Cocktail. Take 2 (or 3) Advil and 2 (or 3) Tylenol AT THE SAME TIME. Chase with large glass of water or Coke. If that doesn't work, have Scott try it. At least he won't be reaching for the Crock-pot liners...

Posted by: Tammy at July 9, 2008 5:46 PM

You left out one vital bit of information - who were the celebrity families on CELEBRITY FAMILY FEUD????

Burn Notice starts next week but I forget which day. (Got it programmed into ye old DVR so that I don't have to remember the day, I just watch it whenevah!)

Oh yeah....and I hope your headache goes away very, very soon because a) Pain is Bad and b) if Scott's patience snaps at the wrong moment and he uses the crock-pot liner, then we'll never get to read the novel you'll finish writing once you feel better. That would be Bad too. :-)

Posted by: DebR at July 9, 2008 10:19 PM