June 17, 2008

Surround Sound Cereal

My friend Mir is fussing about GRAPE NUTS because she thinks she has to EAT THEM now as she tries to get back in her regularly scheduled extremely slender shape after a happy marriage and being in her thirties have caused ice cream and a slower metabolism, respectively.

more lolcats here

Now, I do not understand the fussing. I LOVE Grape Nuts. LOVE them. But perhaps I am alone in this? Plenty of helpful, non-grape-nut-loving people in her comments are telling her ways to make them palatable:

Dousing them in sugar (Dieting: UR DOIN’ IT RONG, LOLCAT!)

Dousing them in Splenda (chemicals, much?)

Dousing them in yogurt (I HATE yogurt. I hate it so much I even loathe the very WORD. YOOOOOGurt. It sounds like the noise my big cat makes vomiting up hairballs, and quite frankly? Cat puke smells better than yogurt. I can safely clean up cat puke with nothing more than a wrinkled nose, but if I catch even a WHIFF of yogurt smell, I literally gag and if I do not get AWAY from the smell, gagging’s BFF, “heaving,” follows along behind.

When my kids were little, I had this baby nutrition book that told me the VERY best first food, bar none, was whole milk unsweetened yogurt. I wanted to be a good mother, so I FED that thick, vile repugnant white satan-food into the pink and helpless gob-holes of my darling children and it ALMOST KILLED ME. I spooned it in smiling and making yum yum noises and trying not to hurl up everything I’d eaten in the last ten years, and now they BOTH love yogurt, and they eat it and then try to give me sour little yogurt-breathed kisses. If I had another baby I would make his first food PUREED SNICKERS BARS to avoid this, that is how much I hate that smell.)

Dousing them in cottage cheese (which I can’t eat because it LOOKS like it might be yogurt. I also can’t eat glops of sour cream. Or mayonnaise. It all MIGHT be secretly yogurt trying to fool me and get in my mouth and cause me to drop dead of repulse-ed-ness.)

DOODS, QUIT DOUSING THE GRAPE NUTS! Oh, except in MILK, of course. It IS cereal, after all. I myself am not eating them often because they are DENSE and spendy on the weight watchers points, but sometimes I eat them because I LOVE them.

I also like that Kashi GOLEAN cereal. Yes, the one that looks like cat food. I eat a half cup of that with a quarter cup of Grape Nuts to add ZESTY CRUNCHFULNESS, but if you already do not like Grape Nuts, then adding them to an even BLANDER cereal is maybe not the way to go…I like it though, and that’s the key.

Life is too short to eat cereal you hate every day. I refuse to eat things I don’t; like, and I am STILL losing weight. SO. Eat a bunch of fruit and an egg? You LIKE fruit and an egg!

Or, hey, try KASHI VIVE Cereal. You get a LOT for a few calories and it has SCADS of fiber and best of ALL, it is PROBIOTIC!!! It says so right on the box. PROBIOTIC! Wheee!

I have NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS. But it sounds really healthful and digestively exciting. Vive is a little higher than I like on the sugars, but…PROBIOTIC! Which MIGHT mean that it NEUTALIZES the sugar or perhaps it cures scabies or repels brain sucking space alien rays or gives you massively powerful ROBOT ARMS. No one knows.

In other news, my children’s report cards came, and both were HONOR ROLL level awesome. We decided a celebratory excursion was warranted, so we drove over an hour across the state to get to closest IMAX theater. It was showing KUNG FOO PANDA.

Well, no, there is another IMAX theatre much closer--- at the Fernbank Museum of Natural History, but they always show movies with names like LETS MAKE FRIENDS WITH SPACE and EDUCATIONAL PENGUINS, and NO ONE wants to see THAT. Except Mr. Husband.

DIGRESSION: Last night I accidentally asked him about EVENT HORIZON---meaning the MOVIE, but it is also, ALAS, a term that can be related to physics. His EYES began to glow with a rabid, fervent and unholy light, and he told me all about how the universe is expanding faster and faster and therefore the theory that it will reverse and contract seems less likely and eventually we won’t be able to look back and see the beginning of time (I didn’t know we could do that, actually, but OKAY) because there would be an…EVENT HORIZON in a few thousand years that would obscure the universe’s own origin. Or something. It took thirty minutes of detailed and earnest explanation to get to the term, and I have to admit I got interested, but I STILL have no idea if I want to add EVENT HORIZON to my Netflix list.

Mr. Husband, as you can see, is ALREADY friends with space, and he LOVES the penguins to be educational. My children, however, like their penguins animated and chock full of fart jokes. SO. An hours drive to KUNG FU PANDA won the day.

DIGRESSION2: May I say, the GAS for this excursion cost more than the movie tickets or the pizza and salads we ate after.

ANYWAY – KUNG FOO PANDA was AWESOME. I enjoyed it as much as the kids did. Scott is a huge kung fu movie junkie, so he got some jokes I didn’t even know were jokes, and he really likes Jack Black, so he may well have enjoyed it THE MOST.

I had never SEEN a pic in IMAX, and when the big rich fruity voice of the IMAX man came on pre-movie to earnestly and loudly explain that THE IMAX EXPERIENCE was about to HAPPEN and I better BRACE MY SELF, BRIDGET because IMAX was going to simultaneously blow my MIND and my little pink SOCKS OFF, I got tickled. I may have MOCKED the big rich fruity voice, just a TEENY bit.

Then the movie began, and…wow. My little socks are indeed pink and they were totally blown off.

I always think it’s hardly worth the theater trip when I could rent something instead and watch it in my basement in my pajamas while cuddling up to my husband on a comfy sofa and eating popcorn that cost 1/100th of the movie theater price with REAL butter instead of hydrogenated terror grease, but MAN! IMAX is a truly immersing experience. The screen is so BIG. And the sound is so…SURROUNDY.

If you haven’t been, I am a convert. It is totally worth the boosted price of admission.
Heck, it is even ALMOST worth the gas.

Posted by joshilyn at June 17, 2008 9:03 AM

I love Grape Nuts. With milk, in a bowl, as the cereal Gods intended. And I agree about eating what you like (within reason, of course) -- food shouldn't be the only reason for living, but neither should it be a death sentence.

Posted by: SaturnCat at June 17, 2008 9:53 AM

Joshilyn, I'll forgive your slightly unnatural Grape Nuts fervor because I love your description of movie theatre butter: hydrognated terror grease. Hee hee hee!

Posted by: tammy at June 17, 2008 10:05 AM

IMAX is great. We have one that is close, so we go often. Harry Potter in 3D was incredible. 3D thestrals - worth every dime.

And Fernbank - I have very fond memories of the place from growing up in Atlanta - the woods, the animal displays, and the planetarium. Thanks for mentioning them - I haven't thought about Fernbank in years.

Posted by: Lauri at June 17, 2008 10:06 AM

I've never been to an IMAX theatre. I tried a few years ago to take Dear Son to see The Polar Express but it was sold out or something. I'd still like to see the IMAX version of that movie, especially after your description of your experience.

I like Kashi Go Lean cereals, too. I don't know that I've ever TRIED Grape Nuts, to be honest.

Posted by: Keetha at June 17, 2008 10:07 AM

"Let's Make Friends With Space"


Hate Grape Nuts unless immersed in YUMMY YOOOOOOOGURT.

Posted by: Aimee at June 17, 2008 10:26 AM

Hmmmm, I would have to say that I have written off those Kashi cereals, after having been several times lured into buying 'em by the high-protein claims on the box. I have given in and eat Weetabix with raisins which is less nutritious but altogether delicious! However, really fruit and an egg is the sensible way to go...

I liked "Event Horizon" when I saw it in the theatre a long time ago, but I believe the SF elitist would say it is a cheap ripoff of "Solaris," so you might be better off watching that instead...

Posted by: Jenny at June 17, 2008 10:43 AM

I was just HOPING that the INSANELY HIGH FIBER CONTENT of the Grape Nuts would keep me feeling full for the morning. (It doesn't.) I've also since switched to the Publix generic, which isn't quite so awful. But I am indeed eating things like fruit and eggs and YUMMY YUMMY YOGURT... would you like me to BRING YOU SOME when we come over?? ;)

Part of the reason I am trying to be VIRTUOUS is that when I see you next I can 1) wear pants and 2) eat and drink like a hedonist for a couple of days. So, really, this may be your (and Kira's) fault, somehow. SIGH.

Posted by: Mir at June 17, 2008 11:22 AM

P.S. Just so we're clear, I will take my FAT AND HAPPY MARRIAGE over the previous SLENDER AND AWFUL MARRIAGE, any day of the week. But society seems to want me to wear pants, is all I'm saying.

Posted by: Mir at June 17, 2008 11:23 AM

P.P.S. It is not the UNSWEETNESS of the Grape Nuts that bothers me, but the TOOTH-CRACKING-NESS.

Posted by: Mir at June 17, 2008 11:24 AM

i think probiotic sounds like a fancy way renaming the fembots Jamie Sommers fought in the version of Bionic Woman that didn't SUCK.

Posted by: debra at June 17, 2008 11:53 AM

I gave UP pants. Fluffy skirts is the order of the day for 2008!

Miss Joss, your blog makes my day better. Thank you!!!!!

Posted by: Kate Setzer Kamphausen at June 17, 2008 11:53 AM

We have *wait for it* grape-nuts ICE CREAM here!

(Really! And...it's yummy! Although probably not dietetic.)

Posted by: daysgoby at June 17, 2008 12:07 PM

I gave up years ago, it was that or wear dentures. Darn that stuff is hard.

Having hit menopause and gained a zipcode size butt, I was firmly entrenched in the sorrow of an extra wide butt. I began eating brown rice and raisins...with two table spoons of vanilla yogurt twice a day. The weight loss is slow, but I am losing.

Posted by: Cele at June 17, 2008 12:14 PM

Are Grape Nuts the cereal that was advertised years ago by Eul Gibbons saying "Did you know that parts of the pine tree are edible?"....? I've never tried Grape Nuts because I keep thinking there must be parts of the pine tree involved... :) Also, grape nuts sounds like grape seeds, which are hard and yucky. I'd rather have a granola bar. Great blog post as always! Thanks - you make me laugh.

Posted by: Becky at June 17, 2008 1:18 PM

I have two IMAX theatres within 10 minutes of my house. Jealous? Thats right, I could spend $20 to see RIGHT up the nose of a ginormous panda bear any time I want.

Regarding the cereal business. I made a revelation. Fiber One bars. I resisted them because they say Fiber right in the title and I am not 80 years old nor the type of person that discusses things like regularity but fiber is supposed to make you feel full and get skinny, right? Plus they are very much like a candy bar. A HEALTHY candy bar with 35% of your daily fiber which I suppose means I am 2.5 bars a day away from size 2. Anyway, they are delicious with tea, are gooey and sweet and not at all crunchy like the tooth jarring, can't hear my cartoons grape nuts.

That is my two cents on the cereal.

Posted by: Em at June 17, 2008 1:24 PM

I about teeth breakage when it comes to grape nuts. Maybe I'll give them another try after such a rave review here on your blog.

Posted by: nik at June 17, 2008 2:42 PM

I about teeth breakage when it comes to grape nuts. Maybe I'll give them another try after such a rave review here on your blog.

Posted by: nik at June 17, 2008 2:49 PM

I, too, find Grape Nuts a little too crunchity for my brain. But I like Kashi. I cannot eat most morning cereals because I have a sugar crash around 10 AM and start shaking. Kashi and Fiber One seem to have enough protien to counteract whatever sugar they have.

I am in complete agreement with the Splenda-avoidance. I put it on grapefruit one day and witnessed the chemical reaction. I proceeded to toss out my newly opened box and now avoid anything that has Spenda in it. Scary Scary stuff.

Probiotic: Doesn't that have microbial action? Kinda like beer I think...

Posted by: JulieB at June 17, 2008 2:50 PM

Grape nuts also comes in Flakes and they are gooood!!!!

Posted by: jean at June 17, 2008 5:24 PM

Wait, did she say pink socks... ;)

I agree with Mir-- eating grapenuts is like eating cement chips-- no thanks. I am a fan of low fat granola doused in yummy, yummy yogurt.

Also, we (me, husband, and 3 year old daughter) loved Kung Fu Panda. And we only saw it on a regular screen.

Posted by: Jill W. at June 17, 2008 6:21 PM

firstly Event Horizon the movie is a gore fest...i didn't see the entire picture because i was dragged out by someone who got scared. an adult i think or at least a teen...

I LOVE Grape Nuts too!!!!!!! And GoLean. and sorry yogurt too.

I haven't seen Kung Fu Panda yet but my 6 yr old daughter likes to meditate afer seeing it so thats good right!

Posted by: julie f at June 17, 2008 9:47 PM

Do you have to be able to see 3D to go to IMAX? Because I can't. In my next life, maybe, but in this one, 3D is not an option.

I like Kashi too, gave up on Grape Nuts years ago, and am totally addicted to Boston Creme Pie yogurt. Which is probably not at all healthy, but I don't care.

Congratulations on Honor Roll! Yay Sam and Maisie!

Posted by: Fran at June 18, 2008 12:06 AM

When I was a little, bitty girl child, I tasted the cat's chow once. Yuck! A few months later, I tried Grape Nuts for the first time, and it tasted IDENTICAL. I have never touched them since.

I do loves me some Kashi instant oatmeal, I have to go buy some. Maybe I'll try some Fiber One bars while I'm at it. :-)

Posted by: Brigitte at June 18, 2008 8:39 AM

'Event Horizon' SCARED my little pink socks off... but then, I'm easy to scare...

Posted by: Nikki at June 18, 2008 6:00 PM

I tole Mir to get the VIVE TOO! I DID!
It has BROCCOLI EXTRACT. How can that not be a good breakfast?

Posted by: Kira at June 18, 2008 10:10 PM

I like Grape Nuts. In fact I just bought a box. (To sprinkle over my Y-gurt.) I also like the Kashi one that says something about your heart. They taste like Honet Nut Cheerios, but they are good for you, because, of course, they are Kashi. (Which might mean that Cheerios are good for you too...)

Posted by: RandomRanter at June 23, 2008 1:50 PM