June 4, 2008

Conversations While on the Death March

First of all, what kind of MORONS saddle up the dog at HIGH NOON at the front end of an already baking hot Georgia summer and go for a hike when they have a perfectly good elliptical machine in an air conditioned room with a fan and a Netflixed DVD with TWO here-to-fore unseen episodes of HOUSE already loaded in the player?

Oh wait, that would be US.

We march through the blinding yellow sunlit day in grim, sweating silence

Dog: *pantpantpant*

Ten minutes pass. We go by a yard COATED in green plants with seeds on top, each seed with its own fluffy white parachute. They wait fruitlessly for a breeze to carry them to the remaining few square inches of un-weed-infested lawn.

Me: They have a dandelion problem.

Five minutes pass. We march.

Him: I don’t think those were dandilions.
Me: Yes, they were. They had white puffy tops.
Him: I think they were something else with white puffy tops.
Me: Fine, they were Tufted Thistles. Those people have a TUFTED THISTLE problem.
Him: *skeptical* Tufted Thistles.
Me: *emphatic* Tufted Thistles.

Dog: *pantpantpant*

I catch his eyebrow cocking in a skeptical manner

Him: ... *shocked voice* You have sex for money?

Ten minutes pass. We march on. We come to another yard RIFE with Tufted Thistles.

Me: I was wrong. Those are Dandi leopards.
Him: I think it may be clover.
Me: Not!
Him: Then it’s Dandi-lopes.
Me: Dandi-lopes! EXACTLY!

Ten more minutes of sweltering marching.

Him: I should get ALLTHE CREDIT for you becoming a great novelist.
Me: Since you included the word great, I am willing to unquestioningly accept your assertion.

Ten more minutes of marching. Swelterswelterswelter

Dog: *Dramatic panting*
Me: Dude. I TOLD you it was hot. You SAID you wanted to come.
Dog: *More dramatic panting. Goes for the Oscar.*
Me: OH, FINE. *pours out remaining water into palm for dog to lick*

We near the home stretch.

Me: OKAY! I am breaking. Why do you get the credit for me being a novelist?
Him: Because I don’t talk. And you get bored and start thinking things in your head---I just saw you thinking them --- and after a while, a novel comes out.
Me: Hee! Maybe.
Him: You’re welcome.
Me: Except I wasn’t working on a novel just then. I was fantasizing about saving a train from a bunch of terrorists.
Him: Oh. How did you do that?
Me: I was very clever.
Him: I am sure you were.
Me: *happy* Look, our porch! AND THE TRAIN WAS FULL OF BABIES!

/end death march

Posted by joshilyn at June 4, 2008 3:04 PM

Somehow, I don't think you could MAKE that up.

Or maybe you can, which also makes you a great novelist, but that requires a beverage alert. :D

Posted by: Jess at June 4, 2008 3:48 PM

you lost me at unseen episodes of house. how could you bear to leave without satisfying your hugh laurie fix????

i never could.

Posted by: the planet of janet at June 4, 2008 4:04 PM

Yes...summer has arrived in the great state of Georgia! I do my 1.5 mile walk on my morning break before 8:30 these days, something my coworkers appreciate as they sit nearby the rest of the day. And yes, it's amazing what world (and personal) problems you can solve while walking around that track.

Posted by: Bridget at June 4, 2008 5:28 PM

Perhaps the weather has its sense of direction mixed up, because the state of MN has YET to see summer, much less spring. But, apparently the mosquitos aren't paying attention to this diversion as they have already arrived sans warm weather.

Posted by: Tammy at June 4, 2008 6:43 PM

I'm with Tammy, spring ain't springin' here in the Pacific Northwest. I don't remember warm days. I'm sitting here huddled under four layers of wool with thick warm socks, two shirts and I'm about to duck into a pre-heated bed because, dude, I am FREEZING!

But I like the tufted thistles!

Has Bagel forgiven you for being hauled out into the heat?

Posted by: Fran at June 5, 2008 1:13 AM

A great novelist AND a professional horticulturist. Wow. He's a lucky guy.

Posted by: Kalynne Pudner at June 5, 2008 1:15 AM

YES, But did Bagel survive the DEATH MARCH??

Posted by: Heather P. at June 5, 2008 1:54 AM

Did you tell him if you got paid for sex you'd not be on the Great Georgian Death March of '08?

Posted by: Cele at June 5, 2008 2:11 AM

Saving a train, heh! Now I don't feel as crazy for my bored-walking-in-grueling-weather fantasy of hearing a groan from the bushes, first I'm scared but it turns out to be a billionaire that was kidnapped, shot for being an uncooperative victim, and tossed from the car (presumed dead). Of course, after I rescue this person, he INSISTS (despite my protests) on compensating me handsomely . .

Posted by: Brigitte at June 5, 2008 5:22 AM

I should not have read that before trying to heft my @ss out the door to jog in Alabama.

Posted by: Elena at June 5, 2008 8:06 AM

My husband is currently on a business trip to Atlanta. When I spoke to him the day he got there, I think he sounded a lot like Dog. *pantpantpant*

Posted by: amy at June 5, 2008 8:46 AM

Are you *sure* that you weren't beginning work on a future novel that will involve either fantasizing about saving a train full of babies from terrorists, or ACTUALLY saving a train full of babies from terrorists? Or for that matter, saving a train from terrorist babies?

Posted by: Aimee at June 5, 2008 10:47 AM

I may NEVER be able to call them dandilions again. . .they will forever be dandilopes from this day on--and that is a the mark of a GREAT author--when their words become part of the vernacular--even unitentionally.

Tell Scott we said thank you for helping you along your path to writing MORE novels of greatness!!!!!

Posted by: Roxanne at June 5, 2008 11:09 AM

ROFTL! When I'm cranky I just have to read your Blog and I can laugh.

Seems like the over abundance of the dandelion armies are everywhere this year. Even here! The air is bitter with the smell of Roundup and 2-4D.

Hey at least on the Death March you sweat more than on the elliptical and tan! Oh wait...that can lead to skin cancer...DOH!

Posted by: Lia at June 5, 2008 12:31 PM

I've had conversations like that before. Hilarious!

Posted by: nik at June 5, 2008 2:58 PM