May 29, 2008

Sandy Bottom

AS you may recall, I joined Weight Watchers because I HAVE to get this tour off my butt. I am EXTREMELY mentally ill on this topic. The height-weight chart at my doctor’s office SAYS that I am not overweight. And that silly crack smoking chart SAYS I was not TECHNICALLY overweight before I started WW. Hmph. I would like to respectfully redirect the chart’s attention to MY BUTT and have it RECONSIDER. Or kiss it. Either way.

PRE-EMPTIVE DISCLAIMER: Don’t worry! Before I started WW, I scooted into the very top of the range by mere OUNCES. My plan is to lose weight so that I am closer to the BOTTOM of the proper range. I have not in the past nor will I in the future try to get down to a weight that would allow me to, say, do runway in Milan.

At any rate, I am already down over 4 pounds. WHEEE. I was thinking, IF I can peel another 5-6 more off in the 4.5 weeks before I hit the beach, I will be QUITE pleased with myself. I won’t be quite BIKINI READY, but I WILL be smoking hot in the suit I have selected:


You can get yours here

SO anyway, I WAS feeling mildly pleased and hoping I can stay as manic and points obsessed as I HAVE been, BUT THEN! My mother had this FANTASTIC idea to have us ALL WEAR WHITE and get a family photo made on the beach.

I said, “MOM! You know what would be better? If we all wore BLACK and had our photo on the beach. THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX, MOM!”

My mother is not interested in thinking outside the box. She thinks an ALL BLACK beach photo would look like we had come to the ocean sprinkle someone's ASHES.

I tried again: “Think outside the WHITE MAKES MY BUTT LOOK FAT BOX, Mom,” I pleaded.

Then she reminded me that I was TWO WEEKS LATE and took 15 hours of labor to expel. Trump card.

SO my butt will probably be having its big fat white picture taken at that beach. THAT MEANS I HAVE to lose the 5 pounds the camera will put on me so I can have room for the 5 pounds WEARING WHITE puts on, just to look like I look NOW without having lost the five
pounds. <--- This is the new math.

Sara says I should quit trying to do math, and instead simply get killer highlights, turn sideways, and stick a kid in front of me.

Sounds like a plan.

In other news, THE GIRL WHO STOPPED SWIMMING is now bouncing around on the blog-o-phere. I am being sent links to all
kinds of
for GIRL (and sometimes even now for my older titles) and I can’t tell you how AWESOME this is.

Word of mouth is all that matters, all that matters, when it comes to how readers decide what book to buy for THEIR trip to the beach this summer. I am thrilled and touched and charmed that so many bloggers are telling other people about my work. Thanks, guys. For realz.

OOOH ADDENDUM! Just after I wrote this, I went to read my regulalr morning coffee blogs and found a WHOLE another one … THANKS, KIWORDS!

Posted by joshilyn at May 29, 2008 11:02 AM

Those suits crack me up - you'd be too busy drowning from the weight of all that wet fabric to worry about how "modest" you looked.

Also wanted to say I loved The Girl Who Stopped Swimming - best book I've read in a long time, hands down.

Posted by: RockyCat at May 29, 2008 11:26 AM

Unfortunately, my mom has your mom's trump card completely beaten: 20 days late, 27 hours of labor (back labor at that), and I showed up at "3:47 AM in the morning!" as she likes to tell me.

I seriously like Sara's plan!

Posted by: Beth at May 29, 2008 11:27 AM

Sara sounds like a genius. I've lost five pounds so far on WW -- 4 the first week and 1 last week. I fast feel my enthusiasm waning. Stay strong! Don't let it happen to you!

Posted by: Leandra at May 29, 2008 1:35 PM

I like Sara's plan, too. We did those pictures last year and whore khaki on bottom, white on top. I have also seen them with jeans or jean shorts and white tops. Maybe those could work for your crew.

We are going to Destin in 3 weeks, and I will be nowhere near beach ready. I have decided to just accept it. I only hope no one tries to splash water over me to keep me moist until the authorities are able to put me back out to sea...

Posted by: Jill at May 29, 2008 2:49 PM

Seeing as how you have TWO children, you are covered and don't have the lose the 5 pounds that white adds OR the 5 pounds the camera adds. Lucky you!

Posted by: Roxanne at May 29, 2008 3:17 PM

And THANK you for the swimsuit link. I think that my very tall, long-legged, blond-haired (also long), blue-eyed daughter would look FABULOUS in one of those suits. Especially when she's 16.

Posted by: Roxanne at May 29, 2008 3:19 PM

I have a solution to big white butt dilemma, from which I also suffer.

Lobby for denim or khaki and white. Everyone looks washed out in all white. The composition of white with khaki or denim with white is so much more you are echoing the colors of surf and sand...bonus!

Posted by: Lisa at May 29, 2008 4:14 PM

I don't like the way "Modesty Suit Girl" is looking at me, all lusty-like. Look at her - kicking her heel up like she's shy...wait, I think I partied with her in high school.

Posted by: Jill at May 29, 2008 5:07 PM

Last time I went shopping for a swimsuit I ended up in tears, calling my mom from the dressing room, begging her to look up the number for Bob's Burka Barn.
I just seems like the PERFECT answer, doesn't it?

Posted by: Kira at May 29, 2008 5:45 PM

I could have used that suit at the beach last week... instead I'm peeling over about 2/3 of my body from sun burn! Seriously, no matter what you decide to wear for the photo op, wear sunscreen!! And yes, my butt is still not ready for prime time, but at 57, I've finally made peace with it... I can even go for my beach walks without a cover-up now, enjoying the way the breeze feels and not worrying about how my thighs look. Well, most of the time. Some habits die hard! Anyway, go for the jeans with white (or pastel) tops for the photo and have a great time! (my beach photos can be seen on my blog post from May 22 or so... not professional ones, just snapshots.)

Posted by: Susan Cushman at May 29, 2008 6:54 PM

I have your mom and Beth beat, one month and 36 hours... you can borrow this if you want.

As for the beach picture I would make sure you have one shot taken where your are bent over with your butt facing the camera, then the next time your mom wants this done you have your own personal trump card. Heck get the whole family to turn butts up. Make sure you're all wearing printed panties.

Other than that, the kid plan definately works.

Posted by: Cele at May 30, 2008 1:28 AM

Even better butt-hiding picture strategy is to stand behind everyone else and just poke your face into the group between two contiguous shoulders, an arm draped around their respective owners. (This advice comes to you from a person who GAINED 15 lbs in 10 weeks on Weight Watchers. Not to discourage you or anything.)

Posted by: Kalynne Pudner at May 30, 2008 2:23 AM

At 42, I am ALL ABOUT the Modesty Suit. Looks great to me.

Here's another one of those blog reviews ... I should have sent you the link at the time.

Posted by: TrudyJ at May 30, 2008 5:45 AM

Hee hee Kalynne, I'd probably gain on WW too, since I'm the weirdo who LOST weight when I was pregnant, then GAINED it all back while nursing!

It's sad that I WANT a swimsuit with that much coverage. But theirs makes the model look FATTER, not slimmer. Plus who knows what religious lists I'd end up on if I ordered such a thing.

Posted by: Brigitte at May 30, 2008 5:47 AM

I have gone the opposite route in bathing suit wear. After years of fretting over my big white whole self and trying to cover it with every style on the planet, I have given up. I have decided to own the fat. SO...I went out and bought two of the teensiest bikinis I could find. My husband is thrilled and so far no one has run screaming away from me at the pool. And my friends? Two have them have been inspired by my bravery and started wearing bikinis too! I am naked for humanity!! Love me love my flab!! Join us!

But I'll admit I like Sara's plan for the photo.

Posted by: Amy-Go at May 30, 2008 10:12 AM

Two of them...not two have them. Proofread much? Not I.

Posted by: Amy-Go at May 30, 2008 10:14 AM

That Sara is a smart one - and you have TWO kids to stand behind - tall enough to cover your butt but not so tall they cover YOU. Killer highlights are always a good thing.

My mom and my sister started WW online in January and have lots bunches of weight. Like you, they were not overweight but prefer the bottom of the range, with all its cute clothes, to the top.

Posted by: JenniferG at May 30, 2008 12:26 PM


I noticed this listing of great reviews for Girl, and I thought I'd send you a link to the review I wrote on my blog:

I also put in a plug for your blog because I love it and whenever I'm having a bad day, I just tune in to Faster than Kudzu, have a laugh, and get cheered up.

Looking forward to seeing you at GABB!

Posted by: Sarah at May 30, 2008 3:12 PM