May 27, 2008

Monsters of the Golf and Polish Varieties

How was your long weekend? We took the kids to glow in the dark animatronic monster golf and Mr. Husband kicked everyone’s buttocks. I cheated relentlessly and STILL came in second, but I think Mr. Husband cheated, too, by ACTUALLY PLAYING REAL GOLF for YEARS which gave him a huge and unfair advantage. ALSO He cheated because he chose DELIBERATELY to be born with some hand/eye co-ordination. I, on the other hand, was born with an innate ability to find the one ripple or crack in a three miles stretch of Silver Comet Bike Trail and trip over it and tumble sideways into prickly gorse. CHEATER, he is.

Sam is, in fact, the only one of us who played fair. Maisy would chase the ball around and stop it with her foot and whack at it several times while it was still moving and finally lose patience and basically HERD it into the hole with her putter. Then she would look up and say “I think that was about a 5? Or a 3?” and her daddy, that cheating sucker, would write down 4 on the scorecard.

It all went really well until an ENORMOUS DRAGON came humping and leering up over a wall at us on hole 15. He SNAIL-LOOMED his way directly upward, toward the CEILING and NOT toward us, and he rose with such AGONIZING slowness that on NO PLANET could he be accused of “Popping out at us,” but Maisy never-the-less let out a long piping scream so SHRILL that the glasses of the nearby golf attendant shattered and my brain melted and came out my ears.

We also went to the movies, and now my husband is experiencing random urges to kill Patrick Dempsey with a hatchet. You know that guy? I think of him as the lead from Enchanted, but he is also apparently on some show where his name is something like Dr. McYummy? He was NOT in the movie we saw, and he was not even in one of umpty-hundred trailers that showed BEFORE our movie, and yet each night since our theater outing, my husband has bolted straight upright in the bed with his big hands reaching forward to curl around McYummy’s throat and rend him in twain.

Perhaps the cardboard life-size advertiser with the cut out of the bride’s face—so attractive to little girls whose favorite toys are her ratty, overplayed with “Dream Bride Barbie” and the matching “Barbie Forever Handsome Groom” Doll – Had something to do with it. The phenomenon began soon after I took this picture of Maisy and “McPervy” as Scott now calls him:


(Aside: Barbie Forever Handsome Groom is CLEARLY a doll. He does not aspire to be an action figure. This is the kind of mealy-mouthed low drive fellow who will hold Barbie’s purse at the mall and say YES DEAR a lot, but I imagine the honeymoon will be a dud. Lord. If it was me, I would ditch his insipid, floppy-haired self and marry GI Joe---certainly all MY Barbies did. My brother would hunt me down, ENRAGED because his toy box had been looted, and poor Joe would be twigged out in Ken’s stolen frock coat, marrying himself some Happening Hair Barbie and grinning like a man on leave.)

IN OTHER NEWS, the POLISH EDITION of gods in Alabama released. HEE! I have not gotten a hard copy of the actual book, but I like the cover…and I FLAT ADORE the TITLE.


Bogowie Alabamy! I do not know how to ACTUALLY pronounce it, but Scott and I say it like “bo-GOW-ee Alla-BAM-ee.” It is a spooky sounding thing, the way we say it. We like to crouch down and then SLOWLY RISE UP and LOOM at each other with our hands shaped like monster claws and our teeth bared while we say the Polish title in a LOW DOWN LOUD BOOMY GROWL! Grrrrrrr! BOGOWIE ALABAMY! GRRRRR!!! You should try it. SUPER fun. Just not if Maisy is around and you wear glasses…

Posted by joshilyn at May 27, 2008 9:09 AM

Been awhile since I spat coffee all over my keyboard! Thanks for starting my morning right.

Posted by: Amy-Go at May 27, 2008 9:27 AM

According to the Polish guy in my office (I swear, I'm the only native-born American here!), it's pronounced "Bo-go-vee-ah Al-ah-bah-me"

Said with a good thick Slavic accent, it's almost as good as your version!

Posted by: Beth at May 27, 2008 9:30 AM

Hi Joshlyn,

I'm a big fan of yours and am POLISH! Of course, I've read you in English but want to let you know how to pronounce the title of Between Georgia properly...


Looking forward to reading it in translation and will pass it along to my POLISH mama who will adore it!


Posted by: Ziggy at May 27, 2008 10:04 AM

Just realized, because I wrote my comment at work in the midst of chaos, that I put down Between Georgia and meant GODS IN losing my mind...


Posted by: Ziggy at May 27, 2008 10:07 AM

Speaking of Patrick Dempsey, that may be the SECOND most random sighting of him I have seen. The first being on the cover of a FISHING MAGAZINE. Wha-?

Posted by: Jess at May 27, 2008 10:53 AM

I'm convinced that GI Joe with the scar is why Tommy Flanagan has always occupied a soft spot in my heart.;-0

Posted by: Sabra at May 27, 2008 11:50 AM

Oh, I also stole my brother's GI Joes to marry my Barbies. (My parents wouldn't buy me a Ken for some unfathomable reason) My brother would descend upon the wedding and scream at me. "GI Joe can't get married!! He has to go to war!!" I thought Joe might need a little love at home.

Posted by: Jo at May 27, 2008 12:04 PM

I refuse to play any sort of golf because my husband cheats the same way.

Oh, and that was hilarious about the Dud Honeymoon Ken Doll.

Posted by: Alison at May 27, 2008 1:34 PM

HEE! That's awesome!

Posted by: inkgrrl at May 27, 2008 1:46 PM

i thought ziggy's first comment was some sort of polish joke, but the second comment cleared that up. brain cloud.....we all get it.
i want to know how the dentist visit went. if you had known the bogowie alabamy grrrrr thing, you could have tried it out to keep the dentist at bay. maybe next time!

Posted by: dramamama at May 27, 2008 8:06 PM

Bogowie Alabamy almost sounds like a greeting or blessing from the LOVE GURU, like him running around saying Mariska Hargitay. Anyhoo, Congrats!!

Posted by: Heather at May 27, 2008 9:12 PM

I still think of Patrick Dempsey as the nerdy guy from Can't Buy Me Love back in the '80's.

My family would LOVE that mini-golf place. (And we would all cheat shamelessly.) One of our ideas for a future big ol' family (as in extended family) vacation involves starting at one end of Pigeon Forge and hitting every deliciously tacky miniature golf course from there through Gatlinburg. And then we would go back to whatever cabin we'd rented and drink mojitos while singing bad karaoke to each other. Yes, we are that lame.

I like the way you say the Polish title better than the real thing. It sounds like a voodoo chant!

Posted by: DebR at May 27, 2008 10:46 PM

"Bogowie" is begging to be entered into my GPS. I think you should use it as the name of your next fictional Alabama town.

Posted by: Kalynne Pudner at May 27, 2008 11:53 PM

Gee, I suffered through "Can't Buy me Love" way back when just so I could look at the already-cute Patrick Dempsey.

I think Scott's "McPervy" is hilariously funny!

Posted by: Brigitte at May 28, 2008 8:06 AM

Well...McPervy DOES look like one of those guys from the soap opera's that sleeps with everyone except and well maybe the family dog.

Grats on the Book in Poland!! Is there a song about it? I bet it would make a great song.

Posted by: Lia at May 29, 2008 1:35 PM

I used to come home from school to find that my little brother had been playing with Barbie and G.I. Joe and that they were doing the nasty inside the Barbie Dream House. And occasionally in Joe's jeep.

Posted by: Cindy at June 2, 2008 12:53 AM