May 22, 2008

It May Be Too Late for The Good to DIE Young, but OH! BUT OH! How We Suffer

Today I courageously saved a chipmunk, and tomorrow I have to go to the dentist and get my teeth cleaned. This is SO unfair. CHIPMUNK SAVING HEROES should have the power of their HUGE GOODNESS blast the plaque from their teeth in a lazery beam of glorious minty purity, with no need to get into that CHAIR.

Even for a CLEANING, I need gas and valium and my hand held and I STILL bawl like a toddler and it is UTTERLY humiliating. I fear that chair unreasonably, the way some people fear heights or spiders or, apparently, vegetables. I would quite honestly rather LICK A ROACH than go to the dentist. And you know how I feel about roaches.

MEANWHILE. It is time to REBOOT the swimming pools around here, but my friend Julie is having a hard time getting started because LITTLE TURKLES have taken up residence in her backyard pond. Two of them have been spotted, named Somewhat Small Turkle and Weentsy Turkle. “If it was just frogs and bugs,” Julie said pragmatically, “I would chlorinate the heck out of it and scoop the corpses out later. BUT LOOK HOW CUTE THE TURTLES ARE!”

So we went to look how cute the turtles were, and saw a somewhat small poinky nose and a WEENTSY nose poking up, and no one can stand to murder them with chlorine. And then Julei said, “WHAT IS THAT?” And SOMETHING was bobbing all panicky about the pool-pond, clinging desperately to a little outcropped filter thing, and then leaping up to the edge and failing to get out and paddling unhappily and clinging in an exhausted manner.

SO I went out there and found the net and held it down to the little soaked and horrifed drowning thing, and I thought the poor chipmunk would be all PANICKY about it and try to escape me, but you have never seen a wild animal leap into a net with such hopeful immediacy. I lifted him out and he scurried onto the grass and fled. AND SO DON’T YOU THINK I SHOULD GET TO SKIP THE DENTIST? DON’T YOU?

Don’t you at least feel sorry for me? Julie’s girl GOAT does – Petunia hopped up on the windowsill and lifted a sorrowful paw in goatly solidarity, and then she stood there bleating in mournfully at me.


We who are about to die of terror salute you. As I perish, if you like, check out this podcast on SIMPLE ARTS! It includes a long-n-juicy interview with me and Pamela Allen, the artist who made Laurel’s Bride Quilt, and whose work was a big part of where THE GIRL WHO STOPPED SWIMMING began in my head. Which, coincidentally, is where my teeth are. And since I want them STAY there…I guess I will go to the dentist…

Posted by joshilyn at May 22, 2008 11:13 PM

ok good... Someone else with dentaphobia.
This may sound silly, but if they are doing x-rays, ask them to leave the lead apron on you. I like the weight on me for some reason and it seems to help. Next, take your I-pod or Shuffle or MP-3 or whatever you have to listen to...maybe a little bit too loud. Don't wear lipstick. Keep your eyes closed. Buy new lipstick in apple red to show off beautiful whiter teeth.
We will be thinking of you.

Posted by: jean at May 22, 2008 11:41 PM

Oh Peach, I am SO with you on the dentist fear! They absolutely terrify me, and the kind assistant who gently wipes my face while murmuring, "There there, no tears in ears" doesn't help. Tears WILL be in ears!

And I'm facing a painful dentist dilemma, which I will not share because it'll make your eyes cross, but rest assured that I am right there with you in the dentalphobia group!

However, I am absolutely charmed by Petunia! And I think you deserve extra special pats and praise for being Super Chipmunk Rescuer!

Er, but what finally happened with the turkles? Are there pictures? I hope they are fine.

Posted by: Fran at May 23, 2008 12:15 AM

I love me the turtles.

I fear dentists more than zombies.

I sympathize, empathize, and am thinking of you in your time of terror. Think of the brave little chipmunk when you're in the chair and how someone will stretch a big net towards you and ... well, it's the drill thing probably.... so, probably not helpful anymore.

Posted by: Laume at May 23, 2008 2:50 AM

I love that the little chipmunk jumped right into the net!

. . . could I really get valium next time I go for a cleaning? Especially as I got mad at my old dentist, it's been a couple years, and I still haven't picked a new one, so I KNOW they'll find cavities. I'll just start crying now.

Posted by: Brigitte at May 23, 2008 5:21 AM

You are brave and strong and absolutely the power of your chipmunk-rescuing-goodness should blast any and all plaque right out of your mouth! I wish it worked that way. I really, REALLY do.

Posted by: DebR at May 23, 2008 5:49 AM

Petunia demands you buy fantastic new shoes. Both reward for heroism and happy distraction from unpleasantness.

Posted by: Dianna at May 23, 2008 7:28 AM

You have made my trip to GeogFlori so much better... Since I was supposed to just go to Florida... But thanks.

Posted by: pam at May 23, 2008 8:00 AM

Oh, how I dread the dentist too!!!

I get gas when I get my teeth cleaned, had a tooth filled yesterday, took a Xanax when I went in and then hung on to the gas for DEAR LIFE!!

I would birth a child for someone else if they would do my dental work for me!

After years of whining about my crooked teeth, six years ago I made the leap and got BRACES!! You talk about tough...I left there in tears alot, but I am so glad that I did it!

Posted by: Nelson's Mama at May 23, 2008 9:16 AM

You should, of course!, be exempt from the Chair. Just tell the dentist you are a hero, and he'll bring out the magical dental pick and with a twinkle and scoop of fairy dust, your teeth will be harmlessly sparkley.

Can't wait to ask Julie about this little episode:) *hugs*

Posted by: Trish at May 23, 2008 10:47 AM

I'm not the only one who has to take tranqs to make it into the dentist office waiting room?! Then to make it into the exam room, in addition to an extra tranq, I need one person pushing, one person pulling, and one person bribing me with something shiny and electronicy and gadgety upon successful completion of torture. Er, I mean, cleaning. We won't even go into what it takes to get an extraction done.

Posted by: Dory at May 23, 2008 11:42 AM

I hope everything went painlessly for you today and you do something wonderful to celebrate your heroism!

Thank you so much for doing the quilting podcast. The background stories and inspirations for TGWSS are fascinating. You even give us new details about Rose!

Posted by: Elizabeth at May 23, 2008 1:56 PM

OHGOODLORDWHENDIDJULIEGETAGOAT???!!!?!? CLEARLY I have been gone too long...y'all obviously need a dose of normal. A goat...wait, you said GIRL goat. Does that mean there's a BOY goat, too? I think I need to go lie down...While the dentist doesn't scare me one whit, I might need me some valium to deal with GOATS. OY.

Posted by: Amy-Go at May 23, 2008 2:05 PM

Well, it may be too late for this time (and it's probably too late for me, as I'm going to move without having gone to the dentist here, because I never quite got around to it; my horror is not of dentists, per se, but of telephones and making appointments), but one of my friends here got her teeth cleaned virtually painlessly and very quickly by basically a sand-blasting method. So, maybe you can request that?

Anyway, peace and serenity will be yours, and cheers for rescuing the chipmunk!

And Petunia is adorable!

Posted by: Diane (TT) at May 23, 2008 2:19 PM

You give us a picture of a goat, but not one of the half-drowned chipmunk?

And I agree on the turtles. Must relocate them to a natural pond before chlorinating.

Posted by: Laura at May 23, 2008 3:51 PM

Your fear of the dentist > my fear of turtles

Yes. I know. Unreasonable and bizarre. But that's how I roll. I also fear chipmunks and children dressed in Halloween costumes.

The therapists chair for me, maybe?

Meanwhile, I say "Kill the snapping bastards".

Posted by: Angela at May 23, 2008 4:21 PM

Morituri te salutamus! This is most of the latin I remember, as we had to say it before each exam. As I suspect you know it means "We who are about to die salute you!" Also, my latin teacher was a sadist. I salute your mad chipmunk saving skills, and I personally would spend tomorrow under the bed rather than at the dentist....but I don't have your fearlessness!

Posted by: AmeliaB at May 23, 2008 8:22 PM

when I was just a little girl I had the most fun dentist.
He would have us pump up our own chairs and have to get on and off a few times until it ws just right and then if he had to drill or clean or use his devices he would take some cotton and put 2 lumps on the cables. one bigger and one smaller.
we would then have to watch as they raced around ( while he did what he needed to do and watch to see if the little "rabbit" could catch up to the big 'rabbit) we would be so focused he could just get on with what he was doing .
then after we would get to choose a plaster of paris mould of a disney or similar character that we could take home to paint.
It is only now as an adult that I realise how smart he was!!!

in closing i want to say that you deserve a reward for being such a brave girl. And you get to choose the reward!!!

Posted by: Gillian at May 24, 2008 10:08 AM

Okay does Julie have one goat or two goats, because you differentiated that it is her girl goat, so as I'm not confused with her boy goat. Just wondering..really it was go-Amy who got me thinking.

people chloronate their ponds?

Posted by: Cele at May 25, 2008 1:41 AM

Goats are like potato chips: you can't have just one. Her boy goat is named Hank and he is fixed.

We call her POOL the pond. Because there are turkles in it now.

Posted by: Joshilyn at May 25, 2008 6:52 AM

I have something embarrassing to admit. While I am not afraid of vegetables, I am in fact terrified of mushrooms. Not all fungi, just the mushroom variety. Icky, scary stuff. And yes, I am embarrassed but can't do anything about it.

Posted by: Kate at May 28, 2008 1:21 PM