May 18, 2008

100 Pounds of Crazy in a 50 Pound Bag

I cannot get this TOUR off my butt. RIGHT before tour I was fitting back in my REAL jeans, and then I must have accidentally EATEN one of the states I was in. Anyone missing Vermont? Because I think it may be on my butt. After noodling around with South Beach and accidentally eating brownies all the time, I have decided to join Weight Watchers.

I know according to my doctor’s chart, I am not TECHNICALLY overweight for my height and age, but according to a line from THE BREAKFAST CLUB, I am “pushing maximum density.” And who are you going to believe? Molly Ringwald and Judd Nelson? Or some DOCTOR? Also that weight chart allows for a HUGE RANGE… I feel like the LOWER portion of the range is where all the truly fun clothes shopping takes place. *nod nod nod* ALSO Beach week is in less than a month and... YARG. I am not bathing suit ready. SO.

I have a friend on Weight Watchers Online and she showed me the interface. If you drink enough water and click the boxes, a water glass smiles at you. If you eat enough vegetables and click the boxes, a tomato smiles at you. You can also get smiled at by vitamins, dairy products, and a little bile-yellow repugnant droplet who represents healthy oils. There is a running man icon, and if you exercise you can click HIS box, and a smiley face EATS HIS BACK LEG so that he is running on one fast FRONT leg and dragging this bulbous yellow grinning appendage. SO CREEPY! I dig it. I need iconic affirmations. Also, it looks like it encourages a near fanatic level of obsession. WHEE!

I am doing it Online. Not in “the for reals”. This is because I would rather lose the weight by having ALIVE JACKALS with terrible filthy jackal breath and disease-y teeth come and BITE UNWANTED FAT OFF ME IN HUNKS than have a weekly meeting where I publicly weigh in. AND YES I KNOW, it is just you and your WW leader person, and I am sure she is a very nice lady named Sharon with soft brown eyes and a kind soul and she never judges or tells, and that is STILL public. I mean, I could weigh in front of her once, but then I would have to kill her. *shrug* Yes. Really.

I am not mentally capable of saying my weight aloud on public or ALLOWING my weight to be said aloud in public by others. EVEN WHEN I AM HAPPY WITH THE NUMBER it is still not permissible to SAY IT. In fact the best way to learn my weight would be to begin counting upwards from 100 and when you get to the right number I will beat your head in with a hatchet and then you will know you were about to say the number out loud in front of me, and you can join Sharon and the nurse who forced me to weigh in my whole first pregnancy under the basement flooring .

I am SO insane on this point that I was willing not only to kill, but also to DIIE to protect it. In Boston, I had to get on a four seater plane, and this woman asked me to SAY MY WEIGHT so they could safely put the luggage in to balance the load so we wouldn’t plummet out of the sky to a fiery doom..

Perky Emaciated Airline Employee: I need your weight please?
Me: My WHAT?
PEAE: (I think this would be pronounced “PAY-ah.” You’re welcome.) Your WEIGHT? And don’t shave pounds---it is a safety issue. In a plane this size we have to balance things.
Me: I am physically incapable of complying with your request.
PEAE: HE HE HE. Um what?
Me: You are saying if I do not accurately tell you my weight, we could all die.
PEAE: Yep!
Me: Okay.
…
PEAE: SO your weight….is…?
Me: No, I meant, I am okay with that. The risking our lives part.
PEAE: Oh! HEEE, well the pilot isn’t, is the problem.
Me: How about this. How about I LIE about my weight. I’ll say what my weight is, but I will shave off ten pounds.
PEAE: No, you need to tell me what it really is because that ten pounds makes a difference.
Me; You're telling me! It’s a whole jeans size!
PAEA: I mean it makes a difference to the PLANE.
Me: Oh. Right, That. But see, I already TOLD you I was going to shave ten pounds off. SO you can SILENTLY add it back in and we can pretend that ten pounds is my SHOES.
PAEA: So you are going to LIE to me about your weight by ten pounds and then I put it back in.
Me: Silently.
PAEA: I think I need to add on an extra thirty pounds for all THE BIG CRAZY you are carrying.

Okay she didn’t say that last part. BUT SHE WAS THINKING IT. So I said the number minus ten pounds and she SILENTLY put it in the computer plus ten pounds and I didn’t have to kill her. Win-Win.

I’m going to sign up for WW now and then go exercise so I can get that SMILEY GUY to come eat the runner’s leg. WHEE!

Posted by joshilyn at May 18, 2008 8:54 AM
Comments

I must note that nobody has seen hide or hair of Eliot Spitzer since the day you were in Albany.

Maybe he's just hiding down there.

At $4,000 an hour, he owes you a heckuva a lot of bread.

Posted by: Ray at May 18, 2008 10:16 AM

I am SO with you on this.
During my pregnancy, the kind nurse and I had an agreement (my docs were also in on it) - they could weigh me at every visit, but had to let me close my eyes during the weighing. She could write it in the chart, but no one was ever to tell me the number.
And since I didn't get into what they would have considered a dangerous range, it was never a problem. (*I* thought my weight was well into a dangerous range, even without knowing the number, but apparently it wasn't enough to offend the docs.)

Posted by: Laura at May 18, 2008 2:21 PM

At least your in the HEALTHY weight for your height. I keep missing it by just a few pounds. It kills me.

Blah.

p.s. I think you're pretty :D

Posted by: aka nik at May 18, 2008 3:42 PM

I signed up too. We can't buddy on the site, where are we going to buddy? I need social networking to go with my POINTS tracking! SNARFBLATT! We need more people to join it. MORE PEOPLE.

On the public nature of weight: This morning I told Dan my actual weight which I have never done ever in all our lives. I had always told him relative weights before. Never actual. Isn't that brave of me? And neither of us exploded. His response to this revelation was completely mathematically neutral. It is as if I had said the word "storage" instead of a number.

Posted by: Lydia at May 18, 2008 3:55 PM

Last week I signed up for the "for realz" WW. I cannot do it unless I'm held accountable to the public weigh in. Otherwise I just cheat a little bit here, cheat a little bit there. It's the public accountability that keeps me honest. And hopefully, thin!

Posted by: Leandra at May 18, 2008 5:26 PM

JJ, you are SO going to do it. I've lost 32 lbs. this year, just by going vegetarian, and if I can do it, you can lose those wee little pieces of Vermont that velcroed themselves to your posterior...in no time! 'Course, you can always just stand next to me and people will say, "OMG; look at that Joshilyn; she is as skinny as a rail...poor thing, bless her heart!"

Posted by: Jill at May 18, 2008 5:53 PM

I am with you on this, I have a hard time thinking my real wieght in my head, let alone telling someone out loud. LOL

Posted by: Angie at May 18, 2008 9:07 PM

I miss you and all that big crazy. Sorry I haven't been here for awhile. S'been nuts. And I weigh 2 pounds more than the most I can weigh and not die, so I'm crazy, too. I think I'll come see you so we can crazy together. How's June 12 sound? Hope it sounds good, 'cause that's when I'm coming. TTFN!

Posted by: Amy-Go at May 18, 2008 9:51 PM

I recently joined a fitness center (yes, really...sigh) and I *almost* backed out of joining at the last minute when they told me that part of the deal was that I HAD to be weighed and measured the day I joined and once a month thereafter. I balked. Big time. I argued. Vehemently. They wouldn't budge. I wouldn't budge at first, but finally I kind of budged. More like a budgelet (and very much like Laura's story).

I told them they could do the heinous thing they were proposing IF (and only if) I could go away in my head and pretend it wasn't happening. I was to be allowed to close my eyes, and hum, and pretend to be on a beach sipping a mojito, and never see or hear spoken aloud any of the numbers. If they let me see or hear numbers, they could give me my money back and I'd leave.

They all think I'm nuts, but WHATEVER, I'm going 5-6 times a week and feeling pretty damn good, without ever knowing their stupid numbers.

I told them that if any of the numbers involved ever go down at future torture sessions - frankly, a big "if" with me and my crappy metabolism - that they could tell me the difference (like "down 5 pounds" or "down 1 inch here") but they still are SO NOT to tell me the starting or ending numbers involved - ONLY the difference between the two!!!!

(Lord, it sounds crazy even to me...but it's how I can deal. We gotta do what we gotta do.)

Posted by: DebR at May 18, 2008 11:39 PM

My youngest son is obsessed with weight, because for him it's GOOD. The heavier the BETTER, and so he (being the smallest) goes around collecting everyone's weight so he can fixate on how much growing he still needs to do to catch up with his enormous 66 pound big brother.
I will NOT tell him my weight, because he also likes to DISCUSS everyone's weight, and I would have to remove his adorable little head, and that would be a shame.
However, he seems to be trying to figure it out on his own, because the other day he got on the scale and it read 50.2 pounds! Huzzah! He was THRILLED. OUT OF THE 40s!
"MOM!" He bellowed, "I weigh HALF OF YOU!"
That's RIGHT, pumpkin! Your little waif of a mother weighs 100 pounds, aren't you the CLEVER BOY?
He's my favorite, the precious little delusional thing.

Posted by: Kira at May 19, 2008 12:17 AM

I'm on my own plan... 52 pounds in 52 weeks. Then I get to go to Italy. It's that simple.

Well, there's that 'going to the gym every week' thing, that's not so simple. That's kind of hard to do when everyone else in the office is eating yummy Vietnamese food and fattening rice... and I'm crunching a salad after being half-killed by a treadmill.

But it's been one week and I'm down 3 pounds.

Posted by: Heather Cook at May 19, 2008 1:31 AM

You can make me snort liquid out my nose faster and more consistently than anyone else I read.

Posted by: carrien at May 19, 2008 1:58 AM

You go! Weight Watchers is a great program! I've lost Vermont & Rhode Island so far this year. Started in mid-January. I was a rebel and refused to jump on the "NEW YEAR" bandwagon and waited two weeks to get going. So far, I've lost 27lbs. I still have Maine to go.

WW online is a great tool. I don't like going to the meetings and love the availability of the smiley's online. It's fun to be able to click the veggies, water, dairy, exercise etc. Just wait til you click on your progress charts and you get STARS!!! That's fun too.

Good luck! I know that you can do it!

Posted by: Melissa Black at May 19, 2008 6:30 AM

Okay here's where I bemoan - I have, ehhh, maybe half of Delaware on my heiny, and I joined a free version of WW Online (spark people) but... I can't afford foods that are healthy. We are on a Tight Budget and, well, processed food and no time to cook? Do you really expect me to consume lots of veggies with this lifestyle? I can't exactly just find gobs of time to cook and gobs of money to buy real food with.

I feel your pain. Whenever I go to the doctor, the nurse looks at me dubiously and says, "Weight?" and I say, "Not today", and it's become a routine and now she doesn't even ask.

Posted by: Jess at May 19, 2008 6:48 AM

I figured my gyno felt sorry for me, I've become so obese - I didn't even have to ASK for them to hide the weight from me! They had me stand backwards on the scale, scribbled down that heinous number, and never said a word.

Posted by: Brigitte at May 19, 2008 6:54 AM

I used to do ww online, and I liked it. But thedailyplate.com is free, and the cool things about it are:
1. As soon as you put in your exercise, you get more calories in your allowance for the day. Good motivation for exercise.
2. It uses calories, not points, so you don't need fancy math to figure out things that aren't in the system.
Good luck!

Posted by: Karen at May 19, 2008 7:00 AM

I've recently joined the online WW... I'm really liking it. I, too, balked at the idea of sharing my actual WEIGHT with REAL, LIVE PEOPLE. I whispered it to my sister, and that is the only person alive who knows. And we have too much stuff on each other for her to ever breathe word of it to another soul. Good luck ridding yourself of part of the eastern seaboard.

Posted by: Nikki at May 19, 2008 10:21 AM

*snicker* Seriously, they shouldn't ask any woman their weight and be prepared to shift luggage appropriately in-flight.

Posted by: Trish at May 19, 2008 11:35 AM

This is why I can't check my blood pressure by using the free BP gizmo at the local riteaid store. The freaky gizmo computer voice speaks up LOUDLY, giving directions and then announcing what you program in -- when it demanded "WEIGHT?" I thought "Oh hell no" and walked away.

How accurate could a blood pressure reading be after that anyway??

Good luck with the "numbers project" -- I'm there with ya. Family reunion for me June 6. Ten more pounds to go, so nuthin but water, yogurt & fruit; and miles to go before I eat, miles to go before I eat.

Posted by: Lulu at May 19, 2008 1:32 PM

You can do it sistah! I'm doing WW online too since I'd rather be SKINNED alive and rolled in SALT before I went to one of those meetings. I've lost 9 lbs in 6 weeks and in 8 more lbs I'll be back to pre-pregnancy weight. It'll never happen but I like to pretend. Pretending keeps me happy.

Posted by: Anna Marie at May 19, 2008 2:36 PM

I would have loved to seen you and the stewardess type person.

Yea...I hate worrying about weight. I want high metabolism and stuff!! PLZKTHXBAI!

You've done awesome before you'll do it again!

Raisins cookies out!

Posted by: Lia at May 20, 2008 12:17 AM

I was putting Joshilyn's interview up on WritersNewsWeekly.com and decided to check the blog. The story with PAEA is one of the greatest things I've ever read.

Posted by: NMALLEN at May 21, 2008 12:08 PM

You're doing the right thing. Way to go! My whole family's on it and it's the only thing that has ever worked. It will probably add another 20 years to my grandparents' lives. Don't be like them and read the slider wrong and think strawberry shortcake's free!

- a HUGE fan

Posted by: Sarah at May 21, 2008 3:09 PM