April 28, 2008

The To Didn’t List, part 1

Not 1) This does not NOT count as number 1 on the To Didn’t List because it is not on the To Didn’t List. This is an introduction and an explanation of what The To Didn’t List IS, and I JUST thought of it and am ALREADY doing it, so CLEARLY it was never To Didn’t-ed:

I have a packed refugee camp of tatty looking, aged, disreputable e-mails squatting in my inbox, needing to be answered. About every tenth one is FROM ME, and the title is BLOG THIS. During Hell Month (for those on a different HELL MONTH schedule, I held mine in April, because Scott was gone for most of it, and he took my sanity and the household’s ENTIRE stock of organizational skills with him) I have let the inbox pile up almost as high as the dust-bunnies have piled under beds, almost as high as an elephant’s eye, almost as high as Cheech, and a good deal HIGHER than my Monthly WORD COUNT on the new book (and APRIL’s word count actually managed to enter NEGATIVE NUMBERS due to a sudden realization the story had to START in chapter 2, and so Chapter 1 went to live in a file called “Pretty Cuts Goodbye Goodbye”).

This fine morning, I’m going to MARCH through my inbox like a mad-eyed conquering army and ROUST them. They shall be ANSWERED, or they shall be DELETED, or they shall be forcefully blogged about and THEN deleted. I am blogging them in ORDER of where I find them in my in-box as I CHARGE FORWARD, which is to say, in the order in which random neurons went off and made me text-message my already bursting inbox from my phone.

Also Not 1) This ALSO doesn’t count as part of the To Didn’t List as it is not in my in-box. This is just a heads up: The Girl Who Stopped Swimming is the ATLANTA AND CO Border’s Book Club pick for Hell Month. I mean, April. If you are local, I’ll be on the show today – it is on 11 Alive at 11 AM.

For those of you with Comcast, this is Channel 6 on your cable box, I believe. Or, if you have a different channel line-up, it is THE PEACOCK network.

AND, as an ASIDE, for those of you with Comcast, COME SIT BY ME and let us have a pity party! I am heartily sorry for you…does yours cut in and out all day, every day, popping off for two or three seconds at a time at least 12 times a day, abruptly ending your phone conversations and causing your browser to stop browsing and your emails to STOP downloading mid-way through and then resume again at the beginning so you get TWO copies of EVERY AD titled “Over The Rainbow Your Girl Can Fly With Your New Rod Enhance” <--- I did not make this title up. This e-mail was ACTUALLY in my inbox. Twice.

And have you noticed that when you call there is a PRE RECORDED MESSAGE that NEVER CHANGES that says “We are currently experiencing an outage in YOUR AREA,” and it never says WHICH area. Just, whatever area you are in, we have an outage there. I can’t decide if the pre-recorded and constant message is saying A) We always have outages in EVERY area, so this is a truthful thing to leave up as the regular way our Robot answers the phone, sorry we suck so hard, or B) does it ACTUALLY mean, we do not KNOW if or where we have an outage or outages, but if we SAY there is one in a nebulous and undefined place called YOUR AREA, perhaps you will hang up and go away without bothering us and we can lay off a few more customer service reps because we are a monopoly and you HAVE to use us. HA! HA ON YOU!

AND also as an Aside, BITTER MUCH? Why yes. Yes, I AM bitter much, thank you. We are into Day 28 of Hell Month, and I plan to be bitter as salted lemon pulp until May comes. I will be better, I Pinky Swears, in LOVELY LOVELY May, a month that is by definition Scott-filled, and therefore also blossoming, balmy, and fresh-scented. May is full of Win. I am ALL about May.

GAH! I am out of time. I have to go get on the elliptical or I won’t have time to work out before I have to head into town for TV…Once again, I completely TO DIDN’T a single thing on the list. BUT I WILL. See the steely way I gaze at the horizon? See my knitted brows? SEE my mighty and unyielding spine stretching upward into a soldier’s posture? WE WILL NOT BE DEFEATED BY THIS INBOX, BEST BELOVEDS. Look, this is ME:

Image courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger.

Posted by joshilyn at April 28, 2008 7:49 AM

Oh, you're so pretty! Why don't you go have a cup of tea and a pedicure before you go on TV?
It was very, very fun seeing you on Saturday.

Posted by: liz at April 28, 2008 9:17 AM

I devoured The Girl Who Stopped Swimming yesterday. Just ate it whole. And loved it. LOVED it. Ready for your new pretty book that you aren't done with yet... but I will wait patiently and then devour it too. Thank you for writing, thank you , thank you, thank you!

Posted by: Happy Hippo at April 28, 2008 10:51 AM

Comcast bought out our cable company and we sacked them within the year. Comcast sucks. *muah*

I am sad. You didn't get to sign at Lemuria this year. Sigh... Am waiting till I know our financial sitch and then I will be ordering my signed copy. :)

Posted by: Heather at April 28, 2008 11:49 AM

Did you know there's a website called Comcastmustdie? People post their problems there, and I hear that Comcast even checks it to see what they need to fix. Needless to say, an award winning author should be bumped to the TOP of their priority list!

You get the Great Enlargement spam. I get the Colon Cleanse spam. Spammers obviously love you more than me.

Posted by: Fran at April 28, 2008 3:58 PM

Ah, Joss, did I tell you how incredibly miniscule your butt looks in those pants? Tiny, yet J-Lo-lov-li-curvaceous.
Also, I DID NOT GIVE SCOTT PERMISSION TO ABSCOND WITH MY WILL TO LIVE ***AND***ALL MY MAD ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLZ!!! (fumbles vainly for scraps of paper flying out the open car windows)

Posted by: Elena at April 28, 2008 9:38 PM