April 24, 2008

Happy Dead Raccoon Thursday!

There is a tradition started by some mysterious someone somewhere that on Thursday, bloggers are supposed to blog about love. I don’t know who started it, but I have seen Love Thursday posts on Mir’s Blog and a few others.

Well. It is Thursday, and, discovery channel videos I am STILL not tired of after 75 viewings in a single day aside, I do not love the whole world. I am grumpy. The whole world can, in fact, go suck it.

It is one of those days, and we haven’t even hit 7 am here. I just went to my son’s closet and realized he has NO uniform shirts. Where are they? No one knows. It is a mystery! He had SIX. Now he has ONE that we found in a crumpled heap under the bed.

Where are your uniform shirts? I say
I don’t know, he says, musingly, in a slightly puzzled tone that also conveys to me how VERY little he cares. Meanwhile, I am the one who payed 25 bucks each for the wording word word WORDY things. I care. Passionately. (and here, you understand, the word WORD means MANY MANY BAD BAD CUSSES that I am thinking SIMULTANEOUSLY. I have about 75 curses in multiple languages filing through my brain, a veritable ARMY of enraged profanity, and I can’t wait until my kid is thirty and has a kid. CANNOT. WAIT. I will have these words written DOWN for him in a LIST somewhere because I DO believe in a merciful and just God, and ONE DAY, HENRY HIGGINS, Just you wait, his kid will lose Sam's CAR or fourteen pairs of shoes or BOTH. And I will simply hand Sam my list of cusses and then laugh til my SPLEEN COMES OUT MY NOSE as he searches it for the ONE that expresses the black depths of his parental frustration.)

Where CAN they they be? LAST WEEK he had SHIRTS. This week? Not so much. I have not noticed him coming home in the cool Georgia spring air with a bare and goosebumped belly, so clearly they cannot be left at school. I think I would notice a shirtless boy bounding down to the carpool line, and I would say, WHERE IS YOUR SHIRT and he would say, OH! RUFFIANS TOOK IT! or perhaps he would say A CLASSMATE’S LEG FELL OFF EARLIER AND I USED MY SHIRT TO STAUNCH THE FLOW OF ARTERIAL BLOOD AND SAVE HIS LIFE. Something. Some explanation. But there is nothing. There is only Shirtless Thursday.

Yesterday, he wanted to earn money for a fieldtrip, so he asked for chores. I told him to gather up his school clothes and his sister’s and put them in the washer. LITTLE DID I KNOW that the BACK of the washer contained a portal to a place where pandimensional shirt-eating sentient squid lurk, they were squirting around waiting to suck uniform shirts through to their strange environs. I have no idea if any shirts went INTO the washer, actually, but I can tell you this: none came OUT. Even my daughter is down to two shirts.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED? I say to Sam and he furrows his brow as oif he is thinking about it but I am NOT FOOLED. He is actually only concerned about the froth that is appearing in the corners of my mouth.

Has my mother gone rabid? Like Old yeller? He is thinking. Will I have to shoot her?

I am thinking it might be a mercy.

Posted by joshilyn at April 24, 2008 7:12 AM
Comments

My kid, on the other hand, has lost weight on Strattera and now complains every morning that he has no pants that fit him. Yesterday I folded seven pairs of pants while he yodeled on in a plaintive manner. I inquired as to the possiblity of belting his attire and was informed that he did not know how to use a belt.
HE. IS. ELEVEN.
It's a conspiracy, God help us.

Posted by: Elena at April 24, 2008 7:55 AM

Has anyone told you you're a fantastic writer? Oh yeah you with the books and all... But you paint such a beautiful picture with words. I never tire, nope I don't.

Posted by: pam at April 24, 2008 7:58 AM

If your spleen comes out of your nose, then Sam will have the last laugh. So you might want to exercise just a bit of restraint.

Summoning my mother-of-nine psychic powers, I sense that the shirts are in...(ohmmmm)...his sock drawer. Except the one that is in the bathroom wastebasket.

You're welcome!

Posted by: Kalynne Pudner at April 24, 2008 7:58 AM

I have the same fits every morning where I look for one.single.pair.of.pants without a hole in the knee! Just one! That's all I ask.

Posted by: Leandra at April 24, 2008 8:35 AM

It is the world over that as the seasons change the children's clothing packs up and leaves. Apparently all the shorts in the house that fit the oldest 2 last year have disappeared. None. And every morning one very cranky 11 y/o whines he has no shorts. And every morning I tell him to look for them when he gets home from school. And yet, I hear nothing more until the next morning. We are talking approximately 8 pairs of shorts. Missing. And my brief yet thorough searching has turned up nothing. Maybe the dog ate them. I have no idea.

Posted by: justAcliche at April 24, 2008 8:45 AM

So - is your mom sitting on the sidelines trying to hand you a card with a long list of profanities she learned while you were growing up - and laughing until her spleen explodes out of her nose?

Posted by: Bob at April 24, 2008 8:51 AM

So glad to know I'm not alone! Why is it that a boy child can stand in the middle of his room where E.V.E.R.Y. piece of clothing he has is laying on the floor, and then ask where some clean clothes are? Where do they get the ability to not only ignore, but be completely oblivious to things? Don't even get me started on dirty dishes...

Posted by: Tammy at April 24, 2008 8:56 AM

I think I know where the shirts are. He SOLD them to earn money for the field trip so he'd have to do fewer chores. He has to earn that money, but he knows you won't let him go to school half-nekkid.
By the way, I'm planning to see you Saturday! :)

Posted by: liz at April 24, 2008 8:57 AM

Oh, Pretty Tulip! I'm afraid that while I feel I should be all adult and supportive of you right now, all that's happening is that I'm making noises sort of like Bagel moistening the A Bunnies while trying not to fall out of my chair!

It's amazing any of us make it to adulthood!

Posted by: Beth at April 24, 2008 9:27 AM

Oh, hon. I feel your pain! Please keep us updated on the status of the missing shirts. It's quite a puzzler there.

Posted by: Keetha at April 24, 2008 10:03 AM

my daughter proudly points out that she "knows" how to speak italian, german, french, spanish and even yiddish...but she'd better watch what she says in mixed company, because about half of the phrases she knows are a bit foul....
i'm an evil mother -- i can't help it. but she's so multi-cultured!

Posted by: dramamama at April 24, 2008 10:56 AM

Rather than fire off another arse kissing email to you, I feel i should say i found "The Girl Who Stopped Swimming" Discreetly tucked into a shelf in Waterstones and i snapped it up. Glad i did, It's damn fine book. Good work Mrs.Jackson.

Posted by: lee at April 24, 2008 11:00 AM

I've seen socks get sucked out of the dryer and deposited wherever the dryer vent is, but FIVE whole shirts seems like too much for one little dryer vent to handle. I don't even know what else to suggest -- is he fiber-deficient? Did he EAT THEM?

Posted by: Aimee at April 24, 2008 11:14 AM

Fear not!

My darling *youngest* son used to have a thing about tennis shoes. I would buy them and we would have a plaintive discussion in the shoe store. "Now Brian, you understand these are SCHOOL shoes. They are not to go in the creek, mud, bathtub and/or under the hose. They are only to be worn at SCHOOL. "

He'd nod his little brown head and look at me as if I had seven heads growing across my shoulders. We'd head home and his little butt would scattered out the door. The porch screen would slam closed about the time his *new* shoes would hit the water in the creek.

This went on for about two years. I thought perhaps it was me. I told him in multiple languages, multiples ways, and we went through NUMEROUS pairs of shoes. Meanwhile I swore my soul to hell and back. Finally, I made him go barefoot. He got it.

That little boy graduates in about 2 weeks from college. Guess where he is going to work? Nike, selling shoes! Go figure!

Posted by: gin at April 24, 2008 11:39 AM

Sorry for your frustration, but you expressed it so well. . .

Posted by: Roxanne at April 24, 2008 11:55 AM

Dude, I am NOT loving the world today, but Love Thursday is a nice distraction from the BLACKNESS OF MY HEART.

But, wait. Am I to understand that a dead raccoon stole Sam's shirts? Am confused.

Posted by: Mir at April 24, 2008 12:38 PM

I totally understand the uniform shirt issue. At the beginning of the school year I bought 5, so I would only have to worry about washing on the weekend. We are down to 3. In a good week. If you find out where they go, just let me know. Myabe my kid's shirts are there too!

Posted by: julie at April 24, 2008 1:34 PM

Bought second son five pairs of jeans so that we could conceivably go the whole school week without doing a load (HAA HAA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!).

My child, like all the children referenced above, apparently eats his clothes.

Posted by: Sara at April 24, 2008 6:13 PM

Did you, by chance, open up the great maw of Bagel to see if he might be....MOISTENING the shirts?

Posted by: Kristin at April 24, 2008 6:26 PM

I remember one time when I was in high school, I got down to like 2 or 3 pairs of panties. (And I was a GOOD girl, so don't look at me like that... they were not left in the back of someone's car.) They just kinda all went into some black hole in the universe that I guess swallows up panties and socks and uniform shirts.

Anyway... hope they turn up soon!

Posted by: jenn at April 24, 2008 8:42 PM

It's Wring Your Child to Death day. I considered leaving mine out on the porch, free to a good home.

(But really? Where could they be?)

Posted by: Lisa Milton at April 24, 2008 9:47 PM

Honey, I feel and know your pain, but it is not only the little boy, but the big one(husband) too! Lord knows I spend enough and buy them enough clothes, I never can find them to wash them, and have no idea where they go.
There must be some vortex out there where all of the missing boy clothes go. Otherwise I am clueless!

Posted by: Heather at April 24, 2008 10:03 PM

Peach, I wish I could tell you it gets better, but our youngest, who is 18, just found his very own apartment -- well, it's a shoebox, but it's his -- and getting things sorted out for him has left us despairing of humanity's future if left in his hands. We thought it would get better after he left home and we no longer had to scour his room for crusty plates. Sadly, no.

But if he suddenly finds magically displaced uniform shirts in his apartment in Denver, I'll have him send them along to you. And considering how he's setting things up, he just might!

Posted by: Fran at April 24, 2008 11:31 PM

I thought there'd be an actual dead raccoon, so I could rant about the rabid critters dying in my front yard. At least YOU'RE not the rabid critter dying in my front yard!

And no, they weren't wearing any shirts.

Posted by: Brigitte at April 25, 2008 5:34 AM

I too was wondering where the dead raccoon went. Or maybe it's just a deep love of dead raccoon. In a stew maybe? I know we live in the South and eat some awfully strange stuff around here, but raccoon? You simply must send your recipes!

I am SO not looking forward to losing uniform shirts next year. *sigh*

Posted by: Michelle at April 25, 2008 9:40 AM

Uniform shirts! Aargh! We ended last school year with four, so before school got out for the summer I bought a couple more- just in case the price went up in the fall... It did. Hurray for me...except they ALSO CHANGED THE LOGO to a different style. Can't win...

Posted by: JeanEva at April 25, 2008 1:15 PM

Boys. That's all I have to say. Boys. "What shirts? What dirt? What snot hanging out of my nose? Have you seen my [shoe/toy/left arm]?" It's amazing any of them clean up enough to convince us to reproduce with them and spawn... more boys.

Posted by: amy at April 25, 2008 5:04 PM

oh, i know the answer to this, even if i am just humble young college girl. PEOPLE STEAL THEM! no, no, they do. i had purple and white stripped pants (pj pants; my style of dress is not good, but even i am not that bad), and they went MISSING. SOMEONE TOOK THEM FROM THE DRYER.

now, maybe it was not one of my human roommates (of which i technically had about sixty). maybe there is a demon who likes purple pants. but they were STOLEN from below my nose. oh the horrors.

but GOOD LUCK in finding all the missing clothes, people. because i have been there, and *brave face* it was horrible.

now, if i could just get that list of cuss words? :)

Posted by: orangehands at April 26, 2008 8:41 PM

apparently it's not just articles of clothing, but letters and words that have gone missing. there should be an "a" above.

Jeff: very cool site. i like how he picks up a backpack and then a suit.

Posted by: orangehands at April 26, 2008 8:46 PM

Girl, you are killing me with this post. I hope they showed up because with it being the end of the school year who wants to buy a new shirt now!

Posted by: Tiffany at April 27, 2008 10:31 PM

Two thoughts: check his sister's hamper (pile of clothes?) in her bedroom. Perhaps its one of those infamous partial chores--you know, the one where the clothes got collected and carried down the hall, but then, distraction hit, and they never made it to the laundry room?

The other--tell your son to go back in his room and pick up item after item until he finds the shirts. My son seems to think if he walks in the room and does a quick glance around, he's "looked." The joke here now is, "Look UNDER something!" Good luck!

Posted by: Becky Levine at April 28, 2008 11:45 AM