March 20, 2008

Pre-Mysterious Doings

I am SICK in BOSTON and one of my FAVORITE authors, Frank Turner Hollon, May Very Well Be Evil. BUMBAH!

Here’s the thing---I have a mystery going on right now on tour – a VERY MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY. The details of which will be explained on Tuesday as I guest blog on THE LIPSTICK CHRONICLES.

Then on WEDNESDAY, I will ask YOU to SOLVE the mystery, or at any rate you can do the Hercule Poirot thing where you gather us all around and tell us your fantastique ---and yet strangely plausible --- explanation for all the facts that fit the case, and if YOUR explanation sounds truthi-est, you can win an AUDIO copy of THE GIRL WHO STOPPED SWIMMING, which People Magazine said is “a treat,” so yay.

Because I have friends and relations and longtime beloved who may want to play, and because I might not be objective, I will get some famous person to judge it, perhaps even Frank Turner Hollon, because I feel he will be amenable to pointing the finger at ANY culprit other than himself. He needs a good scapegoat, because I feel QUITE sure the enigmatic tourly shenanigans that are ensuing are of HIS doing. I am saving the MYSTERY itself for TUESDAY, but Frank’s propensity for devilment against touring writers is well documented, and I forthwith and hereby present one of MANY POSSIBLE bits of evidence against him.

As a lawyer Frank would probably bounce in right about here and say prior bad acts are not admissible blahblahblah, and I would say they ARE TOO if it SHOWS A PATTERN because while Frank is an actual LAWYER, I have read REALLY a lot of legal thrillers, so there.

(PS SOCK ME NO PINK SOCKS! The Lipstick Chronicles Mystery Blog is already WRITTEN and TURNED OVER TO THEM, so you see, it WILL happen. On Tuesday.

PRIOR BAD ACTS: When Sonny Brewer was touring for The Poet of Tolstoy Park
at the very first bookstore he visited, the staff was gathered as he came in, and they were smiling slyly, and as he opened the door they burst into a ROUSING chorus of THE HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG and they had a BIRTHDAY cake there that said HAPPY 70th BIRTHDAY SONNY even though 1) Sonny is YEARS away from 70 and 2) It was nowhere NEAR his birthday.

He just smiled and thanked them and blew out the candles. Because what else do you do. And he decided the y must have been googling around and come upon false information and were trying to be lovely to him. And he kept right on thinking that until the next night, when the NEXT bookstore greeted him with a HAPPY 70th cake ad songs. And then the same thing happened at the next bookstore. AND THE NEXT, at which point he caught an unmistakable whiff of Mr. Hollon’s pungent mischief.

He called Frank and said, “Did you call ahead to every bookstore on the tour and tell them I was turning SEVENTY on the day their event?”
And Frank said, “No.”
And Sonny said, YOU WILL CEASE! YOU WILL DESIST! I AM NOT 70! STOP IT!”
And Frank said, “Okay,” in his most amiable way.

At the next bookstore Sonny stepped tentatively inside and was pleased as all punch to find things business as usual…No cake. No songs. No one saying WOW YOU LOOK GREAT! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE 70! He breathed a sigh of relief and did his signing unmolested until the bookstore owner came over, her face BRIGHT red, with a piece of paper that had come rolling off the fax machine. It was an official looking stationary page from a Doctor’s office in Sonny’s own hometown, and it said, in BIG FAT HIGHLY READABLE AT A GLANCE LETTERS:

Sonny,
You are not answering your cell and I did not know another way to contact you. The test came back and you MUST go pick up the ointment I called in immediately. That rash is HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS!”

After the event was over, Sony called Frank again and said, “Let’s go back to the cakes.”

I rest my case.

Posted by joshilyn at March 20, 2008 11:39 PM
Comments

Ooh, I cannot wait to hear about the mystery - I do love a good sleuthing! And with the evidence re: Frank already shared, I am eagerly anticipating something very devilishly creative. :)

Posted by: This Girl Remembers at March 21, 2008 3:48 AM

Have there been more ass-rat crazy women in weird outfits, mildly frightening you at additional events? Think maybe they were mischievously planted?

(ps... LOVED TGWSS. Stayed up until 4am to finish it. When my kids, who are 1 and 3, get up at 6.)

Posted by: jenn at March 21, 2008 7:00 AM

Sounds like there's no mystery about FTH - he's definitely evil. But funny! :-)

Posted by: DebR at March 21, 2008 7:42 AM

I have "The God File" and "Glitter Girl and the Crazy Cheese" (ok, that belongs to my son), and I think I'm a little bit in love with Frank Turner Hollon.

Posted by: liz at March 21, 2008 8:02 AM

I'm convinced already - HE DID IT!! (whatever IT is).

Posted by: Deborah P at March 21, 2008 9:38 AM

That is hilarious and horrible all at the same time. That cannot be true. If it is, wow--you're dealing with a monster there!

And Sonny Brewer is lovely. He deserves cakes and singing, but simply because he is lovely.

Posted by: Marisa at March 21, 2008 9:52 AM

He may be evil but that is so funny!

Posted by: Tammy at March 21, 2008 10:13 AM

I must meet your FTH. It appears he is my twin and we were separated at birth!! Too funny.

Posted by: pam at March 22, 2008 7:38 AM

I lurk a lot, just thought I'd say Hi :)

I have read and listened to both of your previous books, but your 3rd one (and actually neither of the other 2) are showing up on audible.com - what gives?

Posted by: Candy at March 22, 2008 11:04 AM

I would love to be feted everyday with song and birthday cake. Especially at a time when people would be able to say, "You look great."

Happy Easter!

Posted by: Cele at March 22, 2008 11:14 AM

Cake is not evil. I think you are being very unfair to Mr. Hollon. Personally, I will be very sympathetic to his defense. (Are you listening, Mr. H.? Because I would really like to win that prize.) ;)

Can't blame a girl for sucking up to the judge.

Posted by: Amy-Go at March 22, 2008 12:24 PM

Gaslighting...how fun!

Frank - you're my kind of guy!

Hope Sonny's rash is better. LOL

Funny funny blog.

Oh - wandered over here from Lipstick Chronicles. LOVE the "mystery" you posted there.

But damn it, now I have another great blog I have to read every day. Sigh. I'll never get anything done.

Posted by: ArkansasCyndi at March 25, 2008 11:12 AM

Okay, those pranks made me laugh out loud. Mr. Hollon is awfully mischievous, and Sonny Brewer is a very good sport!

Posted by: holly at March 27, 2008 3:24 PM