March 18, 2008

MORE Awards from the Road

CRAZIEST PERSON (so far)

Goes to Blonde Lady in the back row at an indy outside San Francisco. Bless her heart and may God walk her carefully across all streets, because she was NOT okay. I could SMELL hot waves of electric crazy crisping the air around her.

She had pulled on a bright yellow terry cloth beach dress. You know the strapless kind with the elastic band around the top and at the waist? But UNDER the beach dress, she had on a long sleeved button down shirt with a couple of layers of T shirts under that, and a pair of jeans. She had long scraggles of witchy-poo hair half tamed by a sun visor. Her eyes rolled around loose and angry in her head, and while I did my little thing, I kept a kind but careful eye on her.

When I asked if there were any questions, she piped up immediately, growling, “You should tell that OPRAH about your book.”

“Yes,” I said gravely. “Yes, I should.” And took another question.

As soon as I was finished, she BOUNDED to the front like a gazelle, leaping in front of folks who wanted to get their book signed.

“I’m blind!” she trumpeted. “I can’t read your book! But I am going to help you with your speech you make by giving you my best joke! Are you READY?”

I intimated that I was ready, and she said, “How can you tell that you are kissing an Avon lady?”

And I said, “I do not know.”

And she said, “Because her lip STICKS. See? SEE? SEE HOW THAT IS?”

I said, “Yes. I see. Thank you.”

I feel terrible for being so LEERY of her, because she was harmless (I think) and trying to be kind (I think) but I have to admit, when she left without putting a fork in my eye or spontaneously combusting, I felt a frisson of relief and called it a WIN for all involved.

BEST BLASPHEMOUS CARTOON BY PERSON UNDER 6

Goes to Maisy. At church yesterday, doing the little “Keep kids busy so you may actually get to hear 1/4th of the sermon” worksheet, she had a dot to dot that was SUPPOSED to make a cross. But she felt the whole thing was sketchy and incomplete. Here is MAISY’s version of the dot to dot:

dot2dot.jpg.jpg

I especially like the CHEERFULNESS. Everyone who has a face seems QUITE pleased about witnessing an execution, and, indeed, Jesus himself seems pretty chipper. I think the TEENY one on the right may be Maisy, time traveling.

MORE AWARDS LATER, I hope--- right now I have to go catch a plane.

Posted by joshilyn at March 18, 2008 5:11 AM
Comments

I like Maisy's drawing. The people along the sides kind of look like they're about to sing "Kumbayah" (sp?). :-)

I'm glad Crazy Blonde Lady didn't gouge your eye with a fork, as that sounds both painful and inconvenient. I like the idea about you visiting with Oprah though. I would definitely TiVo that.

I just finished TGWSS this morning (woke up early and finished it before work, which I need to get ready for, like, um...NOW) and it was fabulous!!!

Posted by: DebR at March 18, 2008 5:49 AM

When you catch that plane would you bring it to Detroit because I need to get home to Florida...

Posted by: pam at March 18, 2008 6:09 AM

Well i'm guessing some of the romans got a kick out of it, So historically that picture is pretty accurate.

Posted by: Lee at March 18, 2008 6:20 AM

Maisy's picture makes me think that we can form a human love chain around the world. And the crazy dress shirt lady would totally lead the way.

Posted by: nik at March 18, 2008 6:44 AM

Maybe the ones without faces are the distraught ones? I, too, love those church worksheets.

I finished TGWSS last week, and yes, it was wonderful! I stayed up way too late to race through it in two nights. Now I'm catching up on lost sleep.

Posted by: marlaroo at March 18, 2008 6:47 AM

I think it kind of looks like Crucifixion: The Musical. Are those jazz hands?

We were at church once and a very big, very bald, very tatooed lady came in, sauntered straight down the center aisle, in the middle of mass, dropped a very large backpack and left. I took my kids home so sure was I that the place was about to go kerblooey. So much for loving all of God's children and having faith. Failed 2 tests that day I think. Of course, if I had gone against my gut, and the place did go kerblooey, I don't think I would find much peace in that either so.... I'm glad both of our weirdos turned out to be harmless.

Boston next, right?? Woohoo! Please don't let me be the weird one here.

Posted by: Em at March 18, 2008 8:28 AM

Yes, well, although we might not have been actually HAPPY to see Jesus crucified, I think he was, to some extent, glad to do it, and I am certainly thankful that he did.

Glad Crazy Lady didn't spork you.

Posted by: Roxanne at March 18, 2008 9:24 AM

Some young friends of mine have 3 little boys - all under 6. Recently, the oldest, who loves to draw and is really quite good at it, was in a Sunday School class in which they learned about Adam and Eve. When "Arts and Crafts" time came, he produced a full-frontal drawing of Adam and Eve, with lots of detail.

Posted by: Jan in Norman, OK at March 18, 2008 9:25 AM

LOL! That Maisy, God bless her!

And maybe the crazy lady too.

Posted by: Melisa at March 18, 2008 10:22 AM

I am rolling the comments dice. Will this one go through? HMMMM. I have sent you a stalkeriffic number of comments, but none have shown up. Always says they must be approved. I sent an email (possibly to the wrong address), however, I am still here to say that I triple double super duper love your books and have read all of your archives and feel slightly like I can say I really really like you even though we have never met. I am slobbering waiting for your next book!

Posted by: Heather Porterfield at March 18, 2008 10:36 AM

Why do the comment gods hate me?

Posted by: Heather at March 18, 2008 10:37 AM

Why oh why do the comment gods hate me?

Posted by: Heather Porterfield at March 18, 2008 10:38 AM

Em-- LOL. I thought the same thing-- it looks like a Crucifixion Chorus Line. : )

Posted by: Jill at March 18, 2008 11:06 AM

I'm feeling a Life of Brian moment here, are you sure Maisy isn't a closet Monty Python fan?

Posted by: Cele at March 18, 2008 11:26 AM

love maisy's drawing.

maybe i should get an award for the most unabashed slobbering on an author at a booksigning? i still can't believe how embarrassing i was. ;-)

Posted by: janet at March 18, 2008 11:47 AM

My husband and I were sitting on the same side as Ms. Electric Crazy that night. After you finished, I went up to look at the quilt, but found her energy too intimidating to stick around.

I R a wuss.

You did good, kid.

Posted by: hollygee at March 18, 2008 12:03 PM

First part: Funny, funny!

Second part: Hee-larry-us!

Posted by: Angela Klocke at March 18, 2008 2:52 PM

I totally loved Maisy's rendition of the Crucifixion! Possibly frame worthy!!

I so empathize with the special lady in San Franciso. I work at a Catholic Church & we have quite a few regulars that pass through our campus! I always worry if I have shown respect & compassion to these wandering souls or if they noticed I was TOTALLY freaked the entire time!!

Now I am freaked that I was the weirdo in Fairhope taking all the pictures!! Please don't let me be the resident weirdo here!!

Posted by: Kimberly at March 18, 2008 3:33 PM

Since I was *THERE* (and so NOT the crazy dress/shirt lady -- thankyouverymuch), I can tell you that I was proud at how you handled yourself with the crazy lady.

But I'm thrilled beyond belief that I wasn't declared "crazy"

Squee -- you came to Cali!!

Posted by: Patricia at March 19, 2008 2:03 AM

Hmm, the comments section on this blog has never told me I needed approval (that I noticed). Let's see if it does now!

Of course, you can only be nice to the crazy people when you know you are immediately leaving town, otherwise they're so thrilled you talked to them that they think you are BFFs. Eeeuurgh.

I have to join the crowd, I also love Maisy's drawing!

Posted by: Brigitte at March 19, 2008 6:13 AM

I'm with Cele--Maisy's happy pretty crucifixion made me think of the "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" number from LIFE OF BRIAN immediately.

And Crazy Lady was a little scary, and VERY overpowering. She didn't seem to cotton to my suggestion that she buy your audiobooks, either.

You handled the Oprah question with grace and aplomb. I think the true crazy person is perhaps Lady O herself, for not having you on her show. YET.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at March 19, 2008 10:23 AM

1. so glad not to be given the crazy lady award at the launch signing.
2. you show much grace in your handling of the crazy.
3. Maisy's drawing is most definitely frame worthy. it may be blasphemous of me to say, but it doesn't strike me as a blasphemous depiction. I think she got it pretty well. he was happy to serve and all surrounding him (with the exception of the one Roman) appear solemn. I suppose no faces will do that though.

Posted by: elizabeth at March 19, 2008 11:40 AM

Maisy's pic is reaffirming somehow. This is good,right? No lightening bolts are forthcoming because I feel this way, right? I really do not like the lightening bolts.

Posted by: timmi at March 19, 2008 2:26 PM

You know, I have to wonder if the crazy lady was homeless. Just judging by what she was wearing, and maybe even her behavior. It sounds like you were very patient with her, and it was nice of her to share her favorite joke. Oh, and the tip about Oprah. Hope that one helps.

Posted by: Caryn at March 19, 2008 6:16 PM

Oh my God. She didn't seem that insane! I'm sorry I didn't protect you from the crazy lady, I don't know what I was doing.

Kath the Independent Bookstore's Host

P.S. - Did you ever figure out what was up with the bike thing?


Posted by: kath at March 20, 2008 12:26 AM

I really like Jesus's outfit, the tunic-length muscle shirt and (probably) jeans. Simple, yet timeless.

Posted by: alala at March 20, 2008 3:56 PM

So I qualify as the crazy one in Boston because I just felt compelled to give you a hug. Sorry - couldn't help it! So nice to finally meet you in person. I'll keep selling TGWSS to make up for it!

Posted by: Kym at March 20, 2008 11:28 PM