January 31, 2008

Things I Have Seen with My Eyes

I AM STILL DEAD OF FLU. I am apparently never going to be well again and will soon resort to wearing enormous feathered hats and setting my mouth in grim lines while being wheeled about in a bath chair.

I did not think of the bath chair myself. Yesterday a friend sent me the picture below and said, I THINK THIS IS YOU NOW, YOU BIG INVALID.


This is what you get in lieu of get well cards when you hang out with novelists. I should hang out with SCIENTISTS. I hear THEY send Harry and David Pear Baskets. I get pictures of angry, sick old women. But I am certain that I feel worse than that lady feels. Perhaps my friend meant she thinks I am the sour looking dog. That dog looks like it wants to use its laser eyeballs to flame-destroy the ENTIRE earth because only then it might be rid of the headache that has plagued it for nine years.

I think I am neither the lady or the dog. I have transcended them both and have become an entire cottage industry. I produce hives and mucus.

I HAVE tried to go to the doctor. I had a 10:30 appointment. I went out to my van at a few minutes before ten am, and turned the key and ABSOLUTELY nothing happened. The van was as dead as I feel. Scott was not home and could not get home in time to get me there. SO! I have a new appointment for Friday. I will try to hang on til then…she said in a faint and pitiful voice, pressing a moistened lace hanky to her fevered eyes. (I chose lace so I can still see things with my eyes by peeking through it.)

Because I have been so unable to get well, I have seen a lot of things with my eyes. I see them mostly on a screen, from a bed or sofa. It is not a very productive life, I must tell you. I am certainly, for example, not writing any books. And yes, Virginia, I need a good ‘nother 20K words done on this book before I leave on tour, and YES, VIRGINIA, I leave on tour in about a month, and YES, VIRGINIA YOU OVER-INQUISITIVE PRAT, I WOULD be totally freaking out and panicking if ONLY I could get up from the sofa and leap about. PS THERE IS NO SANTA. But it is hard to have a truly good panic attack from a supine position. Also, I suspect I will perish before I miss my deadline, and last I checked, perishment is a valid excuse for not finishing your WIP.

One thing I saw with my eyes was MICHAEL CLAYTON. You should see it with YOUR eyes, too. It is a THRILLER..I know because they say so right on the official website, and many reviewers have also said so, but it is a STRANGE thriller. There are no guns. There are no car chases. No one is naked. The violence in it is efficient and understated. In fact, almost no one YELLS in it. Everyone talks quietly and calmly and moves about deliberately in lovely suits. And yet I think my heart slammed along at 150 beats a minute through most of the movie. I was, quite franky, thrilled out of my GOURD. It is more than thrilling---It was RIVETING. They should call it A RIVETER. I could not look AWAY with my eyes, not for even a moment.

Also, speaking of eyes, George Clooney is very EASY on them. Just sayin’.

Another thing I saw with my eyes was TERMINATOR, The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I REALLY wanted to like it. First of all, it has SUMMER GLAU in it. Summer Glau played River Tam in FIRELY and SERENITY, and we heart us some Summer Glau around here. And I loved the Terminator movies and the boy playing John Conner is good and they have RICHARD T JONES who ROCKS OUT playing an FBI agent and the premise is good and whatnot.

The thing is Linda Hamilton is …not there. DO you REMEMBER Terminator 2? DO YOU REMEMBER THE PULLUPS? The BANGS? The TOTAL CRAZY EYEBALL? I looked at her crazy eyeball and absolutely believed that this woman was capable of ANYTHING at any second. She was fervent! FERVENT! And dedicated and alert and crazycrazycrazy. She was the mother-bear-from-hell, every second, and if you LOOKED at her kid in a way that made her think you MIGHT be a robot, she would put a pen through your eye into your brain and scribble OH NO I DO NOT THINK SO on your cerebral cortex. I would have liked that movie no matter what because, well, I like robots, and I like for things to blow up, but I LOVED it because of Linda Hamilton.

The TV Sarah Connor seems…nice. She makes worried eyebrows that let me know she is faintly concerned that robots might kill her son. She is very rational about it. Perhaps she has been gently moistened by a faint mist of crazy-protective, but she toweled it away and made it to the PTA meeting. And maybe it is a deliberate choice because WHO can SUSTAIN Linda Hamilton level FERVOR for a series, and they have to go live in a suburb and have episodes all the time but…welllllll. I wish they would TRY. I do not think they are even ASKING her for crazy. I need to see crazy peeking out a little, you know? Maybe not OVERT EYEBALL BANGS crazy, but the possibility of her going TOTAL BATCRAP should BE there, all the time.

When she says, “It’s gonna be one helluva dogfight” I kinda think she intends to serve COOKIES at it. I want more amped up crazy. This is LENA HEADLEY for the love of Pete. She was GORGO in 300 and she was awesome. She is very talented and capable…I want her to BRING it, and I want the scripts and the director to LET her bring it. She has it to bring, but she feels so LEASHED in this.

AH well, I am going to watch more of it with my eyeballs because I am going to be LYING DOWN in my bath chair producing hives and mucus for the foreseeable future. So. We’ll see. There is not much else ON because of the strike and Richard T. Jones is full of win and I HEART Summer Glau and I think on the whole I give the show an up-thumb.

But I want more crazy.

Posted by joshilyn at January 31, 2008 7:09 AM

No point in wearing the feathered hat unless you are also going to get the cape and a nice lap blanket to go with. I mean you really have to work this look. : )

I sincerely hope you feel better soon. Are you on an antihistamine. Are the hives terribly itchy? I had terrible plague-level hives once and my doctor had me go buy an OTC lotion called Sarna-- it was wonderful-- really made them stop itching. It does not smell very nice, but you won't care because the itching stops. A Venezualan friend of mine later told me that sarna means mange in spanish, but I did NOT care. All I know is that stuff works. The doc also prescribed Atarax, a lovely, sleepy, no itch medicine. It worked wonders. I slept for like 36 hours and woke up hive-free.

Posted by: Jill at January 31, 2008 9:45 AM

I agree with Jill. The fact that the only uncovered part of her that you can see is her face and one hand GRIPPING her arm makes her very formidable. So you absolutely have to have the cape and the lap blanket with the hat or just forget the bath chair altogether.

However you weather it, bath chair or not, I hope the mucus and hives are soon as extinct as the fashions in that picture.

Posted by: Deborah P at January 31, 2008 9:57 AM

I love that old lady. There are days when I definitely feel like her and days when I would like to BE her. She doesn't brook any misbehavior from children, I guarantee you!

I haven't even watched the Sarah Connor Chronicles but I know what you mean about the crazy. She's definitely not bringing it. THIS Sarah Connor has not been chased by Ah-nuld, or done the deed with Michael Biehn, or melted the silver guy -- all things guaranteed to make you cuh-razy.

Posted by: Leandra at January 31, 2008 10:33 AM

I am heartily sorry to hear that you have mutated into a hive-and-mucus machine. That is sad. I hope it will help to know that I placed my order with Alabama Booksmith and can't wait to get my very own signed copy of TGWSS!

Oh! and I just saw Michael Clayton yesterday and thought it was just RIVETING. You're right, they need to invent a new genre. It's a riveter!

Posted by: Aimee at January 31, 2008 10:44 AM

Even whilst degenerating into a cottage industry of mucus and hives (I hope you have a good PR department, by the way, or that industry is never going to take off) you are still funny and obviously the hives and mucus have not affected your ability to string words together in a wonderful fashion. But still, I hope you feel better soon.

PS I feel like that dog.

Posted by: amy at January 31, 2008 11:00 AM

Ohhhh my word, the opening part of this entry made me laugh so hard I cried, right here in my office.

I then read it to my friend, who also laughed rather heartily.

Thanks, Joshilyn!!!

Posted by: Erin at January 31, 2008 2:15 PM

If pre-orders help you to feel better, then know that I called Alabama Booksmith yesterday and preordered the TGWSS book and the audiobook as well as signed copies of giA and BG. The gentleman I spoke to was a sweetheart (and congratulated me on my excellent taste in authors). He gave TGWSS rave reviews-- said he thought it was even better than the first two. I can't wait!

Posted by: Jill at January 31, 2008 2:21 PM

I'm very disturbed by that woman. She looks as if her bottom half is in a body bag like she sat up on the way to the morgue so they stopped the hearse and wheeled her pondside to enjoy the ducks. Maybe that is why the dog looks so annoyed. This will only postpone the reading of the will and that eccentric old hen with the feathers was going to leave it all to him. Darnit!

I hope you feel better soon. I don't have any suggestions to coax out the health but I do know chocolate never hurt. Its called palliative care. In fact, I would suspect hive and mucous producing burns extra calories. Feel well soon.

Posted by: Em at January 31, 2008 2:22 PM

Wonder where we could find us one of those wheelie things? I seriously need one!
I will be praying for you.

Posted by: Heather at January 31, 2008 4:07 PM

No doubt the swell looking lady in the chair had children and family that did NOT believe her when she said, "I really *think* I have the flu."

But alas they insisted she was well, cried heartily when she mentioned they *might* be able to make their own dinner(read warm pizza), and that she would not be able to drive car pool, princess daughter to mall or pick up darling husband's dry cleaning.

She got really, really, TRULY ill. They put her in the chair, and now her only company is the dog, who believed her in the first place!

Get better, lie down, get in a supply of pizza and orange juice and fight this crap off!

Posted by: gin at January 31, 2008 5:14 PM

You have finally stopped eating the ham, have you not? Because, and I am not crazy, but your symptoms mimic mine from many years ago when I was also stuck with too much ham. And now, the hives? They pop out whenever I am NEAR ham.

The eyes, they burn. I do not eat green eggs and ham. No ham. Just throw it away.

Feel better soon!

Posted by: Patti at January 31, 2008 7:24 PM

Thanks for the heads up about Michael Clayton. I'm down with the flu, too....

Posted by: rick mobbs at February 1, 2008 12:52 AM

Ha, see? Someone else thinks it's the ham.

Oh, the dog, you can make me laugh even whilst you are dying.

I only saw a preview for the Sarah Connor Chronicles, but was disappointed that the mother looked kind of frail. She looked like she had not a single muscle on that thin body with which to fight. And she would waste away and die two minutes after going into hiding in a South American jungle.

While Linda, without looking like a steroidal freak, did look physically strong and capable of fighting to protect her son. Linda could indeed BRING IT.

Posted by: Brigitte at February 1, 2008 5:35 AM

Yesss! My husband and I felt the SAME way about TSC Chronicles. It just wasn't THERE. And while we, too, like Summer Glau, we just did not get her char. Why is she this tiny thing? Does she at least get nanomachines like the TX in T3 did? Otherwise the evil Terminator is just going to sit on her, cuz they're both metal and he weighs more. Yanno? And, um, since when are EMOTIONS considered a design improvement? They're just doing it to set up some kind of strange romantic subplot between her and John Connor. *eyeroll*

Posted by: Jess at February 1, 2008 7:35 AM

My dearest Joshilyn...you have had a strong leaning toward feathered hats and their cousins the boas for quite longer than you have had this snotty nose!

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That was absolutely hilarious. I wandered over here via Lani's site, but I had to subscribe to the feed halfway through this post--and I don't even watch TV, so I missed all too many of the references.

Hope you're feeling better by now, and good luck on the word count!

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