January 29, 2008

All the Many Ways in Which I Suffer

I am STILL. FREAKING. SICK. I was SO sick for so long that I actually BROKE down and went to the doctor to get an anti-viral, and then I had a huge allergic reaction to it and broke out in HIVES. Where are the hives, you ask? OH. JUST MY FACE.

Why couldn’t I have SHOULDER hives, I ask you? Or FOOT hives? I look like Maisy was right, like I am actually suffering from leprosy. I also still have a snot filled nose, droopy-weep eyes, malaise, vague joint pain, and a sour attitude. I have washed my hands so much in an attempt to NOT give this horror-flu to my children that under my wedding/engagement rings, my finger has swollen and cracked with dryness. So now I can’t wear my rings.

I am going back to the doctor today, because GOOD LORD I am falling apart…BUT! AFTER! As soon as ever I get home, I am throwing myself an ENORMOUS pity-party. You are invited. It is fancy dress, though I myself will be wearing a haz-mat suit to avoid infecting you all. Perhaps we can take a BEDAZZLER to the suit to fancy it up.

At my pity party, I will have a champagne fountain and celebrity guests who will wave at me from across the room because if *I* was a celebrity guest, I wouldn’t hug my leprous, hive-coated host with the scabby finger and the tissue stuffed chronically up one nostril, even if she WAS in a haz-mat suit. Fame has its privileges, and since I am one hump and a bulgy eye away from being Disney's version of Quasimodo, if I TRULY want the celebrity guests to come, maybe I should host my party from inside a BUBBLE. OH! I also want an ice swan. After the party I can whack its head off with an axe and then wrap the head in a towel and hold its soothing coolness to my swollen face.

I have no appetite, but when I do eat, I am STILL eating Ham. We froze several HUGE portions of ham but there is still more ham. It is like a magic interdimensional Ham-copia. No matter how much ham you eat, there is more ham under that, and then MORE ham under that. Last night, I made a HAM PIE from an intriguing recipe sent in by Best Beloved Elizabeth.

She said in the cover letter that it would be an insult to call this Ham Pie a “quiche” and she is right. It deserves the title of Ham Pie---maybe even SIR Ham Pie of Awesomeville. I served it with fruit salad and broccoli because it was very rich and needed light sides, and everyone at the whole table ate it, even though we are all violently tired of ham. Everyone includes MAISY, who gobbled down 75% of her portion in spite of the fact that it had “creepy FWAPS” in it. Creepy fwaps, for the uninitiated, are bits of onion.

Here is the recipe if you want to try it – we substituted REAL grits for quick cook ones because quick cook grits are a tool of the devil and I don’t keep them in the house:

1 cup grated Swiss cheese
1 cup chopped ham (I use Smithfield)
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 9-inch deep dish pie shell, unbaked
1 (12-oz) can evaporated milk
3 eggs
1 cup hot cooked quick grits
1 tbls chopped parsley
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp dry mustard

Preheat over to 375
Sprinkle cheese, ham, onion in bottom of pie shell
Beat remaining ingredients together and pour into shell
Bake 45-50 minutes (or until your center is set)

Elizabeth said she could even eat it when she had MORNING SICKNESS. Perhaps we should call it LORD Ham Pie of Awesomeville.

Posted by joshilyn at January 29, 2008 7:42 AM

Just think of it this way. There is always a worse time to get hives then when you have it. I, for example, had them on my entire honeymoon. But at least I didn't have them on my wedding day, right?

Posted by: Jessica at January 29, 2008 8:31 AM

So sorry you are sick (snort . . . giggle) but I must thank you for once again giving me my daily dose of LOL at my computer, making my husband think I have gone off the ole rocker. Lord Ham Pie of Awesomeness indeed. Actually, GUFFAW is the proper term for the sound I usually make while reading your blog. BTW, I ordered a signed copy of TGWSS from the link you provided, paying FULL PRICE just so I could have your signature AND get entered in the drawing for the most amazing postcard quilt! I am in love with that woman's work and wish I could magically know how to DO that! I am hoping to win the Bet in Eden one. Genius. Brilliant. Feel better!!!!

Posted by: Gail at January 29, 2008 8:45 AM

Oh you poor poor thing. I'll come to your pity party and even bring a can of Lysol to set the room scent ambiance.

Posted by: Liatris at January 29, 2008 9:19 AM

Maybe you've become allergic to ham - ha!

Don't use the bedazzler, it'll break the hermetic seal on the haz-mat suit! I think I actually HAVE a disposable haz-mat suit somewhere my sister gave me as a gag gift, now where did I put it?

Posted by: Brigitte at January 29, 2008 9:38 AM

I will come to your party, coated with a thick gelatinous shell of anti-bacterial matter. ;)

It sounds like you have laid your hands on the 500 Hams of Bartholomew Cubbins! At least if THAT'S the case, there is an end in sight. About 475 hams from now.

Posted by: Aimee at January 29, 2008 10:34 AM

I think Cweepy Fwaps is a good name for this illness you are suffering. Cweepy Fwaps with Hives! Sounds delicious. NOT.

Posted by: Amy-Go at January 29, 2008 10:47 AM

I HAVE a tiara! That is worth the price of an admission..yes? And pity party is so angsty and deep and brooding and frought with promise. I WOULD send an evite to "La Depp" but seeing that I'm just your average "secretly wonderful" southern soccer mom, I don't think I have that one in my contacts list.

So sorry you have barfa*lepro*hamilitus

There is nothing to be done for it but to let it run it's course.

Ham hugs all around...be well soon!

Posted by: Lisa at January 29, 2008 5:24 PM

You can also make Cottleston Pie, which is the first real food I ever cooked, from my Winnie the Pooh cookbook when I was nine.

Bake a piecrust until golden brown. Place one cup diced ham and one cup shredded cheddar cheese on the bottom. Pour one cup heavy cream with two eggs beaten into it over all. Bake until the middle doesn't jiggle, about twenty minutes. It's like quiche, only way better. You could add sauteed onions or spinach or arugula or mushrooms or whatever else you have around.

Also, Spaghetti Mess, which our friend Tiger taught to my mom when we were little and is still everybody's favorite. Toss cooked spaghetti with diced ham, a bunch of Parmesan, snipped chives, and heavy cream. Most excellent.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at January 29, 2008 9:55 PM

Oh I would hug you - gently because hives can be tender - and I would poo-poo the haz-mat suit! I've had hives, over more than 90% of my body one time (combo of allergies and stress), so you have my complete sympathy!

And I would come to the Pity Party, and I would bring a 'Tini Bar, with all kinds of different flavors and I would encourage you to be creative about new designer libations! I'd bring miniature martini glasses so we could taste test everything, all the while hopelessly giggling about teeny tiny 'tinis!

And I would point out that between hives and awful cold, there's no room for calories to lodge so you're free to eat whatever you choose because you're protected!

Oh do feel better soon!

Posted by: Fran at January 30, 2008 12:29 AM

You poor thing! I hope you feel better soon. Have you no antihistamine? When I had the chicken pox (at 29), I took an OTC antihistamine that, while not eliminating my discomfort, alleviated it considerably.

The pie does, indeed, sound awesome! I'll have to try it.

Posted by: Diane (TT) at January 30, 2008 8:10 PM

Have you tried the Neti Pot? i laughed and laughed and poked fun for two years after seeing my little 6 foot 4 brother using this geni's magic lamp-looking thing to give "instant relief from allergy and sinus symptoms" (as it says on the box of the one i have here to save myself from this hamhorrific leprosy-thing that i think i may have caught reading your blog.....)Anyway, i'm now a true believer. my new doc told me to get one, and i snorted -- but yes, i was so desperate to get well that i went to three different pharmacies before i could find one. they leap off the shelves as soon as a delivery comes in, the pharmacy folks tell me....Try the Neti Pot. Behold the Neti Pot. it is your friend.

Posted by: dramamama at January 30, 2008 8:30 PM