January 20, 2008


SO Sick.

I was going to tell you about the furniture saving products, but instead I got ‘flu, REAL alive actual ‘flu, with a fever that topped 103 on the worst day. I am still trembly and weak and spooning up little tastes of soup and sipping feebly at juice-water. You do not have to feel sorry for me, though. I feel PLENTY sorry enough for myself.

ANYWAY, The way Sara has four cats and INTACT chairs is, she uses Soft Paws (Also called Soft Claws)

I got the soft claws in a dramatic shade of black which I thought might look PUNKED OUT and groovy and SPIKE-FROM-BUFFY-ish, plus it would be easy to see when one came off as Schubert has on white ankle socks and Yellow is yellow all over. I put them on the little yellow kitten, and he keeps picking them off, and I keep putting them back on, and we shall go on like that INDEFINITELY because he is an amiable little booger and his will bends to mine like a reed in a strong breeze. And then…there is Schubert.

We do not call Schubert The Pirate because he has one eye. We do not call him The Pirate because he says “ARGH, me hearties.” He is, in fact, a cat and as such he is limited to saying things like “meow” and “hiss” and “purr.” Or so I thought. Until I tried to put the soft paws on him. THEN I discovered he could say WARRRRR WARRR WARRRR WARRRR WARRRROOOOOOOOOOOO, and he says this WAR cry from the bowels of himself, and he MEANS it, and I tell you truly, the reason I am alive to tell this tale is that I took my little tube of glue and my latex nail caps and I Backed. Slowly. Away.

At the vet it says BAC on the corner of his chart. I've written about him before, and one of the Best Beloveds told me to look for it, and sure enough, last time he needed shots, I peeked at his folder, and there it was. It stands for “Bad Ass Cat.” And oh. But he IS. He IS! And that’s why we call him the pirate---because he has a black and cankerous inside filled with meaty violence.

When he got some mats in his long fur and I went to have them cut out, they had to put him under GENERAL ANESTHESIA to cut his fur. Because he absolutely would have killed them all and then set off to destroy their families down unto the seventh generation if they had not. So, he has decided that he should be allowed to shred things with impunity. I STILL do not want him to shred things, but I ALSO want to keep my skin intact.

Come Tuesday, I am going to call the vet and see if they can give me some sort of feline VALIUM or better yet A MELLOW MUSHROOMY POPPYSEED COVERED RIDE THE DRAGON KITTY STYLE OPIATE, something that will make him lie back and fix his one-eyed blank and baleful stare on his friend Lucy as she cavorts across the sky with a bunch of diamonds, and I can slip on the soft claws without him noticing that he even HAS feet. And without me losing a limb.

Come Tuesday, I shall ALSO have the JPGS ready, and I will post about the VIRTUAL BOOKSIGNING and the PRIZES. YAY! But for today, I am going to go lie down and suffer and watch with my fever-glazed eyes as Schubert rips the new chair into bite-size chunks.

Posted by joshilyn at January 20, 2008 1:30 PM

Ohhh, sorry you are sick. Not fun. Hope you feel better soon.

Posted by: Jill at January 20, 2008 3:12 PM

hummm- guess I misunderstood but I thought it was the dog who ate your chair. I too have tried the kitty gloves. They wouldn't stay on my cat either and I finally had him declawed because I am just such a mean heartless kitty mother. Any way, the sweet devil cat that I have, used his teeth once he had no claws and literally ate my leather sofa. I'm just sayin - you can't win. Hope you feel better.

Posted by: Cathi at January 20, 2008 4:09 PM

The dog ate the orange chair.

Schubert ripped the back out of the striped chair, and now has sights on the new chair.

Posted by: joshilyn at January 20, 2008 5:23 PM

Even when you're wiped out by flu, you still have me laughing like a maniac over your latest BAC adventure. You rock!

Get better soon, Peach!

Posted by: Elizabeth at January 20, 2008 10:12 PM

There is nothing easy or safe looking in the application of those buggers. Scary when you're facing a pirate. I'm going to have to investigate that website further, maybe they have a catheter for anal retentive bassett hounds that are retalatory pissers.

Posted by: Cele at January 21, 2008 1:50 AM

Oh, poor Joss. I had that flu. You have all my sympathy. I found that white food seemed to be the best as I worked my way back to eating. /;+) White as in the color, no anti-ethnic or anything. Soda crackers and dry white toast were high on my list of yummy foods for a while there. And make sure to drink lots of liquids, even if you can only tolerate a few sips at a time.

Hope you're feeling much perkier soon. Maybe when you're back to normal, you can quell the Pirate with your will alone. Well, one can hope.

Posted by: ZaZa at January 21, 2008 5:16 AM

Wow, I always thought the vet applied those things! Maybe they usually will if you ask, but they're afraid of your BAC? Your description of his war cries are too funny!

Posted by: Brigitte at January 21, 2008 7:19 AM

I had the flu several years back and can still remember the horridness of it. Hope you feel better soon!

As for the kitty valium. I hope Schubert takes pills better than my kitty does. My kitty chomped down on my finger and *I* was the one who ended up at the doctor's office!

(whispers: I, too had my cat declawed)

Posted by: Leandra at January 21, 2008 8:00 AM

Feel better soon.

Posted by: Lisa Milton at January 21, 2008 11:18 AM

I can't believe you even TRIED to put those things on Schubert. You are either very brave or delirious with fever. Feel better soon, Tulip!

Posted by: Amy-Go at January 21, 2008 11:52 AM

If you think putting the soft paws on him was bad-just wait until you try to give him the kitty valium. My poor little Bonnie Blue cat developed some kind of neurological disorder that gave her seizures, and I had to give her seizure meds. Let's just say that she nearly bit the end of my finger off. I eventually had to have her declawed so I could give her the meds. I felt such guilt over that. Declawing was absolutely the last resort-I only did it so I could be able to give her the meds without her shredding my arms and fingers.
I have five cats and they do not shred the furniture. I do keep their nails trimmed though, because it is easier to keep them trimmed than it is to put eye cream in their eyes when they try to scratch each others eyes out.

Posted by: Heather at January 21, 2008 11:53 AM

ok, here goes Pollyanna...

at least 10 lbs. gone due to the flu.


Posted by: jean at January 21, 2008 12:12 PM

Feel better soon. My son has the flu or something doing a very good impression of the flu, and I fear I'll be next. Already feeling achy, but that may be because I spent half the night on the futon while he whimpered on the couch.

Good luck with the pirate kitty, too.

Posted by: amy at January 21, 2008 1:53 PM

Sorry about the flu and all. Get well soon.

I took two days, yesterday and today, and read gods first and then between today and I have now lost the will to live. Seriously, I feel bereft and can't figure out what to do now that they are over.

You are very good at what you do!

Posted by: carrien at January 21, 2008 9:10 PM

Sorry you're feeling crappy, but just had to let you know that I am #1 on the hold list at my public library to read TGWSS. Can't wait to read it, and if I can get the day off and if the pass is passable I'll see you in Seattle, and of course I'll buy a copy!!!!

Posted by: Wikifay at January 22, 2008 12:10 AM

So sorry about you getting the flu. I've been in bed with it all weekend, and I also battled fevers over 103. Your blog has been the one thing that has kept me chuckling throughout.

Posted by: Angela Jackson Vrown at January 22, 2008 9:17 AM

Ok, I haven't posted in ages, but I have 3 cats and 1 dog, and I know your pain! My two boy cats wear the softpaws (and yellow should stop pulling them off in a month or so) and I also have one female pirate cat. Then we discovered feliway through our vet. It's like a kitty-valium plug in, and it rocks. The pirate is now the sweetest, loviest, playful, cuddlebug.

Posted by: BonnieAnn at January 26, 2008 10:02 AM