December 17, 2007

Wisdom Has Four Paws and Poops in a Box

I want to be a better person.

By this I mean, if we are speaking overtly, that I want to be virtuous and kind and selfless. That is all true. I want those things. But I have a small and secret bitter black pit at the bottom point of my heart-shaped heart, and when my brain thinks to itself, BE A BETTER PERSON, what that small and bitter hole hears is, “Be a leetle bit… thinner. “

This little corner constantly thinks it would like to be thinner, no matter how thin I am in the ten pound upsy downsy daisy game I play with my body. Even in the legendary summer of 2006, when I was three pounds thinner than the downsiest of all possible downsy daisies I had dared to dream of, there was no thin that was thin enough. There is no goal that can’t be poo poo’d away as NOT goal-y enough. A goal weight is ashes in my mouth two minutes BEFORE I reach it.

This bitter corner also thinks that I MORALLY have the RIGHT to be thinner, that I SHOULD be, truly, the thinnest person IN THE WORLD, the way I work out. My elliptical is a little bit like Elisha Cuthbert, in that it is locked up cruelly in a room, and I torture it every day, and then about 2/3rds of the way through the workout, I realize that the ELLIPTICAL is not the one being tortured, and it is ME, or more specifically my glutes, and Elisha has turned the WHOLE THING AROUND on me, see, and now my gluteus maximuses are the captives. Then I lift weights.

DIGRESSION TO APOLOGIZE: The above terrible, extended metaphor was inspired by a movie SO AWFUL LOOKING not even *I* would watch it, and I OWN Hudson Hawk. Shamelessly, in fact, with crowing DELIGHT AND PRIDE do I own Hudson Hawk. And yet I WILL not watch that Elisha Cuthbert movie. I do not WANT to watch a pretty young girl being kidnapped and tortured by a deviant for two hours, and I am a LEETLE bit scared of people who DO want to watch that. Just sayin’. SO. I heartily apologize for referencing it, much less for making it an extended metaphor, and most of all, I apologize for dual-casting the relatively unknown actor in the black gloves who plays the kidnapping torturous maniac as my butt muscles. That was just low and a little bit like a sideways sort of TMI. I soundly apologize and let’s just pretend I did not do that.

ANYWAY to eventually dither my worthless way to the POINT, instead of talking about my glutes in public like I wasn’t raised right *sigh*, I was wondering why I was not blessed with RIGHTFUL EXTREME SKINNINESS, by which I mean total RUNWAY IN MILAN skinniness, given my unabashed love of the elevated heart rate, the sweating, and the BeeeYOOOOOtiful mental-illness-number-lowering endorphins.

I was casually blaming genetics. Not CONCIOUSLY, but in an offhand way, in the back of my mind, I was having an amorphous genetics-blaming thought-cloud gather while my conscious mind was kinda wondering why I was not thinner and also mostly reading my daily blogs. There was nothing NEW on I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER, so I hit the MAKE ME LAFF button, which is like a dice-roll, you press it and a random page from the archives loads, and I am halfway thinking, “Why am I not thinner? Genes? Can I blame my GENES?” and LOOK what I got, I mean, HAND TO THE LORD, this is the lolcat I got:

funny pictures
moar Borrowed from ICHC

LOLCATs are the new Magic 8 Ball.
And I am not amused.

I think is both a BRILLIANT and HATEFUL thing to be told by all-seeing lolcats RIGHT before I go to my parent’s house later in the week for HAMFEST, a holiday which most of you know as Christmas. There will be fat potato fat fat. There will be pie.

SO. Thank you, stupid, judgmental, prescient lolcats. NOW I have to have a GOAL at my parent’s house, when I had planned a goal-free feastly bacchanalia. And WORSE, my stupid goal at my parents’ house is NOT to become a better person. I am not even going to try to be THINNER. Instead, I am going to promise my glutes to treat the question of PIE or NO PIE as if I had taken the chronic dieters version of the Hippocratic oath: First do no harm. In OTHER WORDS, I shall try to return my glutes to Elisha-the-elliptical in the SAME condition in which they LEFT on Friday. In other words, YES, to pie. NO to THREE KINDS OF PIE AT ONE SITTING. YES to ham, but also YES to treadmill, to weights, to Aim Ball with Scott.

Want to test the wisdom of the magic Lolcat? I would LOVE for you to disprove the idea that LOLCATS have secret messages telling me wisely to NOT scarf down 5,000 calories at a sitting… You cannot know how much I would like that disproved until you have tasted my mother’s fudge and walnut crescents.

Here’s how you can help. Go to I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER and think a QUESTION to yourself, think it hard, and press the MAKE ME LAFF button on the right hand taskbar. Please report any gleaned wisdom to me, or if it is an EPIC FAIL, I want to know that too…so I can discount the message and eat SO. MUCH. PIE.

Posted by joshilyn at December 17, 2007 12:55 PM
Comments

Yeah, it kind of worked for my dilemma too. Dammit.

No pie for you, and no love for me, apparently.

Posted by: redzils at December 17, 2007 1:04 PM

Well it did not work for me. I asked if I should exercise today and got something about a burning kitty. Um, If I workout, I'll get a yeast infection? I don't know.

Eat the pie.

Posted by: jennielynn at December 17, 2007 1:19 PM

so sorry. seemed to answer my question. invisible movie explosion = I am doomed, and no pie for you. =(

Posted by: elizabeth at December 17, 2007 1:37 PM

I think you are on to something about the all-knowing icanhascheesburger LOLcats. I asked if my family will go totally berkserk this Christmas and I got the "OK, NOW URE STARTIN TO BORE ME" LOLcat. It's right too! My family WILL BORE ME this Christmas! They always do. Sorry!

Posted by: Trace at December 17, 2007 1:37 PM

I asked if I was going to have a smooth safe trip home and I got "I is getting good reception" message. I'm going to take that as a positive.

Sorry, I think it worked for me.

Posted by: aka nik at December 17, 2007 1:42 PM

FOUR positives! And ONE negative, which I dispute. Don't you remember that whole FEEL THE BURN thing in the early 90's? BURNING CAT was a CLEAR "yes, go work out," sorry Jennielynn.

Dern those lolcats.

Scott, meanwhile, just finished reading LANGUAGE OF GOD by that guy who mapped the human genome, and he asked the lolcats if he should read another NONFIC book or break out a novel.

He feels the lols failed him because they showed him a picture of a cat sitting upside down against the wall and it said CHCK BRAKES PLS, which he says is NOT an answer, but, see...CATS CAN'T DRIVE. Clearly he is to read fiction next. *sigh*

It appears so far that the Lols are infallible!!!!

Posted by: Joshilyn at December 17, 2007 2:07 PM

OK, I think I got a positive response. I hadn't decided at first whether it was positive or negative, but I think it was positive. So we'll go with that.

:)

Posted by: Erin at December 17, 2007 2:25 PM

I have not made any comments for many moons, but I have shamelessly resurfaced for this one...

...because you are right, LOLCATS DO know all. Grrrr.

I asked it if I would ever, ever, EVER learn to manage my money so that I am not, at the end of every week, scraping the back shelf of the fridge into a casserole dish to get my sustenance.

It showed me a puppy in a hole saying is digging to China, brb.

So...no. I will NEVER get out of my hole. Damn puppies.

Posted by: Casey at December 17, 2007 2:44 PM

The answers I got were all entirely unrelated to my questions. I hope. I can't even think of how I could twist them into answers that had anything to do with my dilemma.

Aside from the fact that icanhascheezburger itself is the main reason I don't seem to be getting work done, and one of the questions I asked was "why am I not getting any work done today?" But the specific answer I got didn't say much about that.

Posted by: Shanna Swendson at December 17, 2007 3:20 PM

I tried it asking "Should Joshilyn eat all she wants at Christmas?" and got back a beautiful black and white kitty looking at a glass, saying "I can has tsty bvragz plz?" so maybe you can't have three different kinds of pie at one sitting, but you can certainly indulge in other types of holiday cheer!

http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/05/26/i-can-has-tsty-bvragz-plz/

Posted by: Fran at December 17, 2007 3:20 PM

Similar to Fran, I asked, "Should Joshilyn eat lots of pie at Christmas?" and I got a baby white kitten in a Barbie airplane saying: I'm in ur plane...playin wif ur barbiez.

So there!

No matter what you eat at Christmas, you will still look like a Barbie to the rest of us!!!!

Posted by: Caren at December 17, 2007 3:28 PM

I asked if I was going to finish my novel any time soon:

http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/07/16/i-r-hard-vorker/

Hmmmm...

Posted by: Sara at December 17, 2007 4:41 PM

I don't like the LOLcats, so I am not going to their site. But I will tell you that Hamfest happens at our house too.

Posted by: Heather at December 17, 2007 6:45 PM

I asked the LOLcats if I would get everything I want for Christmas. I got a cat with it's head turned sideways and an extremely large question mark. So, I think they are telling the truth because I don't even KNOW what I want for Christmas.

BTW, here's what I do for the thin thing. I just picture myself in my mind as very tall and thin. And most of the time it really works. The trick is just don't look in the mirror. Cause then it all comes crashing down on you!

Posted by: Leandra at December 17, 2007 8:51 PM

I asked The Great LOLCats if this week at work was going to seem interminably long leading up to the long Hamfest...er...Holiday weekend and I got a photo of a pitiful, semi-drowned looking kitty that said "please to put toylet seat down...kthxbai"

I take that as a big freakin' YES. Sigh...

Posted by: DebR at December 17, 2007 9:13 PM

I asked how to get my act together. I got "ful hoos beets pare" I guess I need to gamble more.

Posted by: Laura L at December 17, 2007 9:22 PM

Um. I asked it if I should quit my job to become a full-time freelance proofreader and got a baby cat saying "Juvenile Diabeetus". I'd say it's not really doling out appropriate answers regularly...

Posted by: JenA at December 17, 2007 9:56 PM

I didn't have a burning question, I just needed a laugh. What I found was a cat, whose lower half was peaking out from underneath a bed. The caption read, "Looks liek u need a new manifold."

Really it made me think of the "Boobs stuck under the bed in Paris" story.

Posted by: Cele at December 18, 2007 2:02 AM

Well, I hate to go against the tide, but I asked the lolcats your question, i.e. "What should Joss do?" and my first result was "Yur glowstix. Wi eated dem." The second was "I haz mah cheezburger." I think the lolcats are telling me that you should eat everything you can, even if it does not at first appear to be actual food. However, this directly contradicts what the lolcats told everyone else.

I don't know. Maybe it's Opposite Day in Germany.

Posted by: alala at December 18, 2007 2:59 AM

I asked if I would always be so freakin' fat: 1st try, picture wouldn't come up. 2nd try, got an upsidedown kitty saying "Oh snap", 3rd try got a cat saying something about masturbation. I was sure I'd get a giant, mutant pillow-kitty.

I would say, epic fail.

Posted by: Brigitte at December 18, 2007 5:42 AM

I asked if I would make it through what promises to be a sucky week. I was given a cat telling a little duck that it liked it so it would eat it last. Perhaps I'm being pessimistic in assuming I'm the duck in this situation?

Posted by: Jessica at December 18, 2007 8:16 AM

I asked "will I ever be cured of my cat allergies?" and I got a glimpse of my future. the LOLcat was a hand throwing a cat out with the caption "Y U frowin meh out, I liek it here :(" Thus I shall never be cured and the future for my cats looks bleak

LOLcats appears to be psychic

Posted by: megan at December 18, 2007 8:37 AM

Ummm... I'll go try to lolcats thing, but mayhap you should read this, in the interim?

http://kateharding.net/2007/11/27/the-fantasy-of-being-thin/

Posted by: Alix R at December 18, 2007 9:07 AM

I asked about how to make Christmas better, happier, shinier for all in my family (because...that is my responsibility of course) and I got...

Accelerate to ramming speed.

Indeed.

Posted by: Megan at December 18, 2007 10:29 AM

Yeah, I think it's a coincidence. I tried four times, and only the fourth time did I get anything that I could even begin to wrangle into meaning.

Posted by: Aimee at December 18, 2007 10:46 AM

My brain is too fried to think of a question, but my most favorite (recent) lolcat was the gorgeous fluffy kitty that said, "I poop rainbows." Hilarious!

Posted by: Roxanne at December 18, 2007 11:41 AM

You breaked it. I just got a message saying their bandwidth is about to pop and would we all please give them money. A little short in the charm department -- I'd call it an abstention.

Posted by: rams at December 18, 2007 4:06 PM

EPIC failure. Eat pie. x

Posted by: diane at December 18, 2007 4:23 PM

I asked it how I can get my kid to stop acting like a snarling hostile alien when I pick her up in the afternoons, and I got "Eek! A mouse!" with totally freaked-out kitty picture:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/12/03/eeek-a-mouse/#top

I'm thinking this is an Epic Fail. Or maybe it means I should wave a mouse at my kid at pickup.

Posted by: elswhere at December 18, 2007 9:26 PM

What will 2008 bring me?
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/10/18/non-returnable-kitteh-stays/

I say EPIC FAIL. EAT PIE

Posted by: ScottsdaleGirl at December 19, 2007 2:06 PM

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Posted by: MikeDoe at December 19, 2007 3:45 PM

Okay, that was kind of creepy.

I asked, "Should I stay up another hour and try to finish sewing my little girl's present tonight or should I go to bed?"

And I got this.
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/08/16/we-be-chilln/#top

Two cats asleep on a chair with the caption "We be chilln'."

SO I'm off to bed because the lolcats seem very wise just now.

Posted by: carrien at December 20, 2007 4:26 AM