September 24, 2007

With Apologies to those with TASTE

Some people who read the guest blog entry (link below) wanted to see MY quilts. By some, I mean TWO. I wrote them both back and said:

Dear B. Beloveds,

I LINKED you Pamela Allen’s. Go look at THOSE. You do not want to see my quilts. They are not INTERESTING.

If you want to have an experience that is equivalent to looking at my quilts, I suggest you go outside and a look at a moderate amount of sand. Be careful you do not allow yourself to see too MUCH sand, or your excitement level might rise to high for you to truly understand the “looking at the quilts I made” experience.

Not a good quilt maker

Never the less. They persevered. One said she did not live in a geographic location that allowed her to look at only a MODERATE amount of sand: she has a beach house. I was going to simply suggest that she fill a litterbox and bring a moderate amount inside, but then the second one used MATH on me. I am helpless to withstand math. You talk math, and I smile blankly and give you what you want in the hopes that you will stop talking it.

The math was something about how each of the two who wrote the letters were representative of a percent of the FTK regs, and getting two letters was actually like getting hundreds of demanding petitions, desperate to see some butt ugly (and rather dull) blankets.

Um. Okay. I don’t understand how TWO makes x to the 200th power, but the letter writer assured me that STATISTICS says so, and I am willing to accept it if statistics will only SIT DOWN AND SHUT ITS PIE HOLE.

SO here is the Sam quilt. To make it more interesting, I have COVERED one of the orange squares with something that is NOT a piece of the quilt, but is never-the-less orange. SO cleverly camouflaged is this object that if you guess it, I will give you a PONY and a MILLION DOLLARS and my house.


This is the second quilt. It is at my mother’s house, draped across a chair. You can tell it is not a chair at MY house because its upholstery is not hanging from its sagging arms in shredded tatters and a big chunk of its fuzzy white intestines are not poofing out the back where the CAMOFLAGED OBJECT seen above (and his much larger compadre) have done a feline version of TRADING SPACES where they come in and wreck all my crap and then tell me cats don’t OWN houses so, too bad, the show is over and I don’t get to help THEM redecorate.


This one looks like it might be slightly LESS boring because it has BEADS, but please remember, all I did was sew the squares (and TRIANGLES!!!!! WOOOOO!!!) together. and a REAL Quilter was paid good American dollars to put the beads on and quilt it. So.

Only thing left to say is, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, STATISTICS? Or do you want to see the verra verra fine tumorous chunk of clay I made when I was six? I claimed it was an ashtray and presented it as a gift to my non-smoking parents.

It is ALMOST as finely crafted as my quilts.

Posted by joshilyn at September 24, 2007 7:49 PM

As a novice quilter, I admire the quilts very much. My guess of the object hidden on the quilt would be a lolcat so where's my pony and money and you can keep your house, I have one of those. And my cat must know your cats. I have furniture very similar to the furniture you have. I suppose all cats attend the same decorating academy. Who did the needlework pillow on your mom's chair?

Posted by: Rhonda at September 24, 2007 8:44 PM

I...I...I...well, I suppose I should say something intelligent and smart about now. But I feel rather strange since I have never known this much about a writer that I really, really admire. I mean, I love Alice Walker (I have committed most of THE COLOR PURPLE to memory) but I can't imagine reading about her every day life.

But when I started reading your blog, I could not stop. So now, I feel somewhat like a blog stalker. I spent the weekend reading ALL of your entries, so I feel like anything I say will make me seem like the Crazy fellow in the book store...yes, I write, BUT I also read..a lot...and I always wonder what my favorite writers do when they aren't writing, or talking to editors or sitting at tables at bookstores signing books.

Well, I said all that to say, I really love your books, your blog and your quilts, which I had prepared myself to say nice things about even if they looked crappy, which they don't.

Thank you for being the catalyst for me laughing out loud most of this weekend.

Posted by: Angela Jackson-Brown at September 24, 2007 8:52 PM

Oh, they are wonderful quilts! They are pieced perfectly and I like that you did not go for the usual pastels. I have made a bunch of baby quilts and I think you put a little bit yourself in every stitch. Thank you for sharing!

Of course, an orange kitten makes EVERYTHING 1,000 times better

Posted by: Jenny G at September 24, 2007 9:14 PM

Oh, someday I should show you the blankets which I insisted on crocheting whilst pregnant. They are made of acrylic yarn, and so are just as comfy as a very snuggly piece of sandpaper. Just what every baby needs.

Maybe if I paid someone to put beads around the edge...?

Posted by: Mir at September 24, 2007 9:35 PM

YAY, photos!! I love photos! I have to say, I was expecting these quilts to look worse from the way you described them. I kinda like them and think you're being too hard on yourself!

Would it make you feel any better about your quilts if I posted a photo of the one and only afghan I ever crocheted, an atrocity which I promise you (no, really, I PROMISE YOU) makes your baby quilts look like the height of quiltastic achievement? (Probably not, but I thought I'd offer.)

Oh, BTW, I represent approximately 327 silent readers who would like to see more photos of Boggart. :-)

Posted by: DebR at September 25, 2007 1:16 AM

So those are your starter quilts. You can see a big increase in interest in the Maisie one over the earlier Sam one. (Don't tell Sam I said that. He might take it amiss.) So, stop being all humble and make another quilt. Who knows how exciting this one might be?

Posted by: ZaZa at September 25, 2007 2:10 AM

I actually kind of like the Sam quilt better . . . it reminds me of the purely utilitarian (using up old cloth) quilts my grandmother made, and are all that I aspire to in quilt-making. But then, I never claimed to be a fancy, fashionable, high-falutin' chick.

Posted by: Brigitte at September 25, 2007 5:42 AM

Are you kidding me? Those are beautiful! If I had made those, I would be bragging about them to everyone. Of course, I can't even sew a button, so maybe I have no clue. I do think they are very lovely, though.

Posted by: Jessalyn at September 25, 2007 7:02 AM

I want the little kitten...can I come take him away??? Pretty please? If I say your quilts are pretty?? :-)

More Boggart photos!!!

Posted by: Karen at September 25, 2007 8:37 AM

I demand to see the tray.

Posted by: tina at September 25, 2007 8:37 AM

you put beads on a baby quilt?

Posted by: Dianna at September 25, 2007 9:14 AM

Delurking to say: Um. I really really like your quilts. My mom made quilts, and I don't claim to be an expert but I have seen a fair few, and I like yours a lot. So does Boggart. I can tell.

Posted by: alala at September 25, 2007 9:32 AM

You do realize that by OFFERING to show the clay ashtray, you MUST now show it. Immediately. Yesterday.

Posted by: Casey at September 25, 2007 9:56 AM

Oh, you are too self-critical. These are perfectly nice quilts, MUCH nicer than anything that I, in my thwarted and abortive attempts at crafts, have ever made. I am impressed, and judge them better than 1000 litterboxes of sand! xx

Posted by: diane at September 25, 2007 10:48 AM

Oh! But I have waited ALL my life to see a verra, verra fine tumorous chunk of clay.

Boggart is very clever orange camouflage, indeed. I think he's getting CUTER, too, which is saying something.

Posted by: Aimee at September 25, 2007 10:49 AM

I'm impressed. Considering the fact that I have trouble sewing a button back on, this may not be saying much. But still. ;)

Posted by: Amy-Go at September 25, 2007 11:31 AM

Ohhhh you actually made a quilt. I am so in envy. My mother quilts, they are excruciatingly beautiful pieces of art. I bought the material to quilt, it was too much work to even cut up, then I thought about the sewing and gave up. I'm such a quiter - not no L.

Posted by: Cele at September 25, 2007 11:34 AM

Well, ditto what everyone else said AND, AND, AND. . .your YOURSELF have spoken rather often AND highly of your mother's "eye"--how discerning it is--how attuned to detail it is--and no matter HOW much she loves you, I seriously doubt she'd hang anything on her lovely silk taffeta arm chair with the equally divine hand sewn birdy pillow if it were not truly in keeping with her fine taste.

Just sayin'.

Posted by: Roxanne at September 25, 2007 11:39 AM

Mmmmm.... Quiiiiiilts....

I think the beadedy one looks really GOOD -- you know, fabric selection is 90% of the effort in these matters *wink wink* -- so really, it was all you, all you.

Posted by: Lydia at September 25, 2007 1:08 PM

Dude, more than I could do. I like 'em. I can only make pretty things with yarn and sticks. Needles and thread? Not so much. And your quilts are pretty things, yes they are.

Plus, your kids are going to treasure them, no matter what. You know that, right?

Posted by: amy at September 25, 2007 1:50 PM

Your first quilts are better than my first quilts ;) I used ::shudder:: POLYESTER in my first one. I don't mean the new swanky stuff--like 70's BAD POLY. Oh the horror.

Quilting is hard, and tools make all the difference (IMO). I had to take a few classes before I got the hang of it.

I love the colors in #2!! And the kitten looks SO COMFY on #1, so it must be a good quilt ;)

Posted by: Angel at September 25, 2007 6:15 PM

Do you remember thatI have a set of 4 quilted place mats that you gave me for Christmas? They are very pretty, but I loved the gift because you made them. I am not sure which pregnancy spawned them!!!!

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